Monday, July 31, 2006

Narcolepsy- Ben Folds

I should warn you
I go to sleep
I know you don't
Know what i mean
Yet
I get upset or happy
I go to sleep
Nothing hurts when I go to sleep
But I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I know it seems that I don't care
But something in me does I Swear
I don't remember all last year
I left you awake to cry the tears
While i was dreaming
Oh I'm drowning
Save Me
Wake Me Up
I should warn you
I go to sleep
You won't know when
I go to sleep
Cause I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I just sleep

Why Georgia

Artist: John mayer
Song: Why Georgia
Album: Room For Squares


I am driving up 85 in the
Kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom
4 more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul

Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still "everything happens for a reason"
Is no reason not to ask myself

If I am living it right
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Desperately wanting to be productive

I've been trying and will continue to try to hide how deep the depression I'm stuck in is. I have to be strong, especially with Harmony. She's going through the worst days of the year for her, the days after her son goes back to West Virginia. She's in a very very deep depression. I have to do what I can to support her. It doesn't matter how I feel. I love her like a sister.

I spend most of the day in bed. I'm not always asleep I just do not have any motivation to get up and do something. Everything is a chore, even getting on the computer, which is what keeps me going most days, feels like a chore sometimes lately. I've been missing clubhouse and SIA (though I did go this week thanks to Marcie), and I haven't been going to the gym. I feel my life is a waste. I feel like giving up completly. I'm hopeing that starting school in a couple weeks will give me a purpose and help pull me out of this hole that seems deeper and deeper with each passing day.

It doesn't help matters that I have $10 in the bank. I can't afford to live on my own. I can't even afford to live with grandma. All I pay here is $300 including utilities and most of my food. How in hell will I be able to survive on my own? I desperately want to get out of here before grandma kicks me out. But everything is so expensive. I'm afraid I'll never be able to live on my own because of money. I'm sure I could live on my own just fine besides the being in debt part. I can take care of myself. I just don't have the money to do it.
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two worlds

Two Worlds Lyrics
Put your faith in what you most believe in
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lies we see

A paradise untouched by man
Within this worlds blessed with love
A simple life, they live in peace

Softly tread the sand below your feed now
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see

Beneath the shelter of the trees
Only love can enter here
A simple life, they live in peace

Raise your head up
Lift high the load
Take strength from those that need you
Build high the walls
Build strong the beams
A new life is waiting
But danger's no stranger here

No words describe a mother's tears
No words can heal a broken heart
A dream is gone, but where there's hope

Somewhere something is calling for you
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
Tu guide these lives we see

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Where You Want To Be

This video made me want to cry. I miss the Savage Garden days and the friend's that I met through the online community of SG fans.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

missed clubhouse

I couldn't get myself out of bed this morning so I had to go down to the clinic in the afternoon to pick up my medicine. I should have went to the gym while I was out but I didn't. I wish I could just go to bed and never get up again. I'm tired of struggling through each long day.



Sunday, July 23, 2006

It's too hot

The last several days it's been over 100 degrees Fahrenheit, it was only about 102 today (only?! haha) but yesterday it was over 110. I'm so hot that I barely move. I'm hot, depressed, tired, thirsty, and lazy. My room is about as messy as it has ever been and mom and grandma are bitching about it but I just can't get myself to do anything. Even getting on the computer is a chore lately. I hate myself. I cut today. Nothing bad, just a few scratches. I've wanted to do more all evening but am too hot to put on dark clothing in case I get blood on my clothing.

I've got my headphones and am listening to Savage Garden rather loudly and singing along with it. Fortunatly when I do that I can't hear my self sing if I turn the headphones up high enough. This is a good thing because I'm a terrible singer.

I havne't been able to quench my thirst today...sodas, kool-aid, oj, flavored water...still thirsty. We don't have any cold bottled water and I hate warm water and I hate tap water.

Both of our refriderators are on the brink so nothing is kept very cold. It sucks and we don't have enough money between the three of us (mom, grandma, myself) to go buy one new fridge, let alone two. I've got like $13 in the bank. I don't know what I spent all my money on.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

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Monday, July 10, 2006

I cut again today

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Mom went off yelling at everyone again today and I cut myself because I couldn't please her. It's my fault, not hers. Everything is my fault. I'm such a loser.

Today I registered for school. Let's hope I don't drop or flunk out again. I went to the financial aid office and turned in a paper they sent me in the mail. I was in line there for like half an hour.

I went to the gym for half an hour

That's pretty much all I did today. The hot sun gave me a headache.

Sunday, July 9, 2006

Spiders

I hate spiders. I found a big one crawling between my toes and a small white one on my arm within a few minutes of each other. I know they were real. I've been seeing spiders all over my room and feel them crawling on me.

My mom had a melt down today because we don't help her enough. I went in my room and cut myself. I still want to cut more. I want to cut the spiders away. I want to cut the feelings away. I want to make the world go away, even if it's just for a short while.

I'm supposed to register online tommorrow (well today now that its almost 12:30am) for Citrus. I'm also supposed to see my therapist at nine am. I don't know if I should skip therapy and register or just register later. I'll let it depend on what time I get woke up in the morning. Sandye and a busser both said I should skip therapy and register at nine so I'm sure to get my classes. I don't know what to do.

Thursday, July 6, 2006

Haven't had the words

I have not journaled, blogged or done much writing of any kind lately. I just haven't been able to get words down. I've been pretty down lately but I haven't cut since either tuesday or wednesday. I've found myself hopeing for death. I want someone to smash into my car while I'm driving alone. I want to fall in a pool and drown. I want to get run over. I want to slip and fall in the shower and never wake up. I just don't want to live anymore. The thing is, suicide isn't an option for me because it would devestate the people that love me. I know there are people who love me. I sometimes wish there wasn't so I could die without guilt. But, due to having friends and family that have told me they care about me, I can't take my own life. I just have to wait for God to decide it's my time to go. All I can do is hope that time comes soon.

I worked at the library bookstore today and didn't go to the gym again. I didn't go at all last week. I had an excuse everyday, doctors visits and such. I worked at the library this monday and the gym was closed tuesday for 4th of July. I went yesterday for only half an hour and today I worked at the library and didn't make it to the gym.


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