Monday, April 30, 2007

"I gotta go"

I hate it when she says that. It always makes me cry. i dont mean to trigger her i dont mean to hurt her. i try really hard not to say the wrong thing but i always say something wrong and get the "I gotta go". i cant stop crying again. i already cut and crying crystal. she told me she hopes i get in touch with reality. this IS my reality. the inside poeple are myreality. pain is my reality. lonliness is my reality. life sucks. i hate myself and i want to die. die bitch die make the pulse stop. so much snnot. i hate crying. ihate being such a terrible person. i hate hurting my friends. maybe losing me would actually be easier on my friends and family than dealing with me...

Sunday, April 29, 2007


The chant of die bitch die is relentless. the "you need to make the pulse stop" isn't helping either. i've been crying. crimson. i've been hiding in bed. i am a mess today. i want so bad to be a selfish bitch and die. i don't havea plan tho. I don'tknow how to successfully kill myself so i can't even try. i have to get my school work done cuz i cant handle flunking again. i dont knowif i can do it. i'm gonna go hide and maybe cry some more dont know what kind of tears

Saturday, April 28, 2007


i hate the fact that i feel angry at the people i love. why? cuz i want to die. i've been called a selfish bitch many times, especially by my mom but if i were really a selfish bitch i'd be dead. the only reason (besides the fact that i'd just fuckitup and make things worse) that i'm not dead is because i dont want to hurt the people i love like my family and harmony, dawggy, and marcie. i keep crying. both crystal and crimson tears. dawggy told me i need to quit fucking up but i'm trying and i'm failing. :'( i dont know how to keep myself from cutting and crying. i dont know how to keep myself from saying the wrong thing. i dont know how to be a good person. i dont know how to get all my school work done without flipping out. i'm scared. i can't handle flunking out again.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

didnt go get my meds

i was supposed to go to the clinic today to get my meds but its almost 4pmand i just cant getmyself dressed and out the door. its not like the meds are helping anyway. i've already cut twice today. i want to cut again. its the only relief i have the longer i'm able to bleed the better it feels. i wrote die bitch in my blood on my leg. die bitch die keeps being repeated in my head. david wont shut up elly wont stop crying helen screams i have to make it through the weekend without making a fool proof plan. i'll go to the clinic on monday and be at least somewhat honest with them. i just wont mention the fact that if i had a fool proof plan to die, one i just could never survive, i would do it and just fuck my family and friends. i dont want to kill myself. i'm scared. i dont want to hurt my family and friends. they love me for reasons i have never understood and probably never will. i have been trying to get homework done today but i've spent most of the day going back to bed and listening to the stupid tv. i'm haveing a really hard time writing an essay for english and a terrible time trying to understand the directions in the typing book and typing without too many errors. as for psych i keep reading over the answers. i know they're in that section cuz of the headings but i'm just not comprehending what i'm reading. i hope no one reads this. i'm so pathetic.

Home from school

I know I've been blogging a bunch, mostly short shit revealing shit I shouldn't talk about. I'm sorry. I have no one to talk to right now that I won't trigger. I'm lonely. I'm a basketcase. I'm a loser. I'm FUBAR.

Today in class we had to get up in front of the class and debate abortion. One group gets an A the other group gets an F. We got an F. I then had to go buy a blue book for the EPE I have to take ontuesday. more homework. have to plan an essay that i can have very little notes for that i have to write in class. i suck atinclass essays even when i'm at my best. right now i'm a mess. depressed. even thinking that suicide would be ok if i could just figure out a fool-proof plan, something I just cannot ever survive. i have no idea how i can do that tho so if anyone actually reads this shit i type here don't worry. i'll still be alive tomorrow.

i want so bad to cut right now. cut alot. bleed alot. iwant tokillthis damn spacebaronmy laptop! I can't keep my mind off of doing "something stupid" likecutting or writing a suicide note. i'm scared of myself. i'm also scared of the bad man. even tho dawggy told me he's notreal. i know dawggy is prolly right. he usually is but he exists to me. i can see and i can hear him, tho not usually at the same time. i'm scared of him. he wants to hurt us again. he wants to make me miserable but i'm already miserable enough.

i dont even know what triggered all this. i've been cutting at least once a day all week and i had gone like a month without. i'm typing now to keep my fingers busy until i can get my thoughts onto schooland off of the blade thats so close yet so far from me at this very moment. i have run out of crystal tears and now have to cry in crimson...i'm sorry.

Really frustrated

i can't get past the stupid 5 minute timed writing with lessthan 5 errors. i get like 20 errors and thatstyping really slow, like 26 wpm. i just cant do it. i cant do anything. i cant find the answers for psych i cant get my englsih shit organized. all i want to do is go to bed and cut more. i already cut a little bit today. i gotta stop cutting. i was doing good and now i'm overwhelmed and cant stop thinking aqbout blood and death and my own failures. my therapist called yesterday and cancelled todays appointment without even asking me how i am. my dentist put my front teeth thingy in crooked. i'm pissed off. wanna cry but cant which makes it even harder not tocry crimson tears. its the only way i can get it out

bad night

I cut again last night, just a little. I was in bed early but not sleeping much. The bad man is back. I'm scared. I wish I had someone like Harmony has someone to be there with her and protect her. I don't know what to do with myself. i'vebeen taking my meds. i'm a mess.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

i want to give up

i want to give up on life and i want to give up on school and i want to give up on trying not to cut

idont know whattodo. i've got my teddy bear and princess in my arms. the tearshave stoppedfor now. my leg keeps bleeding. i hanve't cut today still but i really want to. i cut my leg yesterday and it keeps bleeding every so often. i got blood on my slippers.

feeling like shit

iache all over. i want to si. iwant to gohide in bed. i'm hot. i have a headache. i dont feel like doing anything. i'mscared i wont get my school work all done in time because i'm having such a hard time working on it. what the hell is wrong with me? i'm such a failure. i'm such a loser. i can't ever relax and be happy. i understand why people turn to drugs. I wish i could do drugs and feel different. the feelings would probably last longer than those from cutting.


I went to covina dental today to get my bridge put back in again. its in crooked now. that pissed me off. and she don't explain anything to me she tells my mom. i'm 26 not 6 i'm old enough and smart enough to comprehend what needs to be done if she'd just tell me.

i havent cut today but i really wantto. kellycalled and cancelled my therapy appt tomorrow. that pissed me off too cuz i was going to be honest with her about how i've been this week. i didnt get to talk in group and now once againi can't talk toher one on one. i've got nowhere to turn. idont want to end up back in the damn hospital again. damnit i'm crying again

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Every day again? *don't read*

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. I cut, I cut, I cut. I want to cut more. I got blood on my sheet again today. They are my newest sheets too. I've been biting my fingernails worse than usual. I have a few sore fingers from the nails being bit off too short.

Harmony and Dawggy can barely talk to me now. Not just because I'm a basket case but because of their own depression. The storm they have over their area isnt' helping Harmony. I wish I could be more supportive for her but I have no idea what to say. I keep crying. I don't want to live anymore. I'd kill myself except for I'd fuck it up and even if I didn't it would hurt my family and friends more than what I can do by faking my way through the day. I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be fine when I'm around my family, at the clinic, and at school. I know I shouldn't pretend at the clinic but I'm scared not to. If they knew the kind of stuff going on in my head they'd say I need to be IP. Going IP has never helped me. It just puts off the inevitable. I eventually get released and figure things out on my own. They put me on new meds but most of the time they get changed again when I go back to my regular pdoc. I have no idea why I'm crying so much. I have no idea what has triggered all this shit. Iwas fine, thinks are going well i even got my rent reduced. then BAM my head was flooded with dark images sounds and feelings. i want to cut more. deeper. bleed more. i want to feel the relief that comes with the cutting, the crimson tears.

i cant get thoughts of dying out of my head. i cant get thoughts of how lucky people who've died are. i don't know what to say to anybody especially harmony. she can't handle my shit right now and i cant think of any happy shit to talk aboutwith her.

Monday, April 23, 2007

i cut again

after dawggy said have a nice life i was even more upset and despite marcie trying to help me i ended up getting dizzy and having to go lay down then i got up once it passed i cut a lot. most are not deep but theres several of them. i'm not blaming him or anyone. i just coudlnt take anymore. i feel a little better now but really lonely and depressed but not as freaked out.

I want to die

No one can deal with me. Not even me. Dawggy told me to have a nice life. I keep crying. I didnt mean to make him mad.He said I'm not sorry that he hates that word. I don't know what else to say. Europa is talking to me. She's trying to figure out whats wrong with me. I'm trying so hard not to SI but I don't even know why I'm trying not to at this point. I wish I could just die. I'm not going to try to kill myself because it'd just make things worse cuz I'd surely fail and then everyone would be even more mad at me. I never meant to upset anyone. I don't know what is wrong with me all I know is its more than I can handle.

alone by edgar allen poe

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were — I have not seen
As others saw — I could not bring
My passions from a common spring —
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow — I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone —
And all I lov'd — I lov'd alone —
Then — in my childhood — in the dawn
Of a most stormy life — was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still —
From the torrent, or the fountain —
From the red cliff of the mountain —
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold —
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by —
From the thunder, and the storm —
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view —

Sunday, April 22, 2007

The noise surrounding my silent tears

The tv is on. I've got my agent on in #bus and the conversation there is going quickly. I've been pretty much ignored in there tonight. Harmony don't feel well and Dawggy can't type because he's probably broken his right wrist from not one but two falls today. I don't want to call my family. I don't want to bother Marcie. I don't want to bother any of my other friends. They all have their own lives and don't need the burdon of listening to me. I don't even know what's wrong with me today. I was doing good this morning and early afternoon then I got triggered bad somehow. I have no idea what triggered me but there was a flood of thoughts, voices, and fantasizing of death and blood. I cut my leg a few times. It helped for a while. Now I'm crying again and I am all alone. No one to turn to. I need to do homework but I just cannot concentrate. I have no one to help me and that's how it should be. I'm just a burdon to everyone. I just want the world to end. I want to cease to exist. I want to stop feeling. I want to stop crying. I want to stop the crimson tears forever. Yet, I want to cry crimson tears all night. I want the relief it brings. I don't know what else to do. I know SI is not the correct solution but it's the only one I can think of. Dear Lord, please help me...

Depressingly calm

In a mood*major TRIGGER warning*-DO NOT READ

I'm in a dark mood right now.
"...and if all the world were perfect, I'd only want to see your scars..."

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I have no reason to bleed but I want to anyways. Just for the pleasure of it.

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I feel empty and lonely. I feel at a loss for words. I feel like I am drowning...

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What is wrong with me this afternoon? Why do I find myself fantasizing about death and blood?

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No one can save me from myself...not even me

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My ears, especially the left one, feel like they are full of water. I feeel like i'm drowning even tho i can still breathe. I hate this feeling and I don't know what to do about it. I tried using a qtip but that didn't help much.

Poor Dawggy hurt his wrist this morning but he'sstill on the computer talking and doing whatever it is he does on the computer during the day.

Poor Harmony don't feel well. She's recovering from surgery. I know at some point today she'll make an effort to talk to me no matter how icky she feels.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

A little accomplished

  • I've got a couple questions for psychology answered.
  • I've got a few clothes put away.
  • I've entered a few sweepstakes.
  • I've got a few dishes washed.
  • I've written a sentence or two for one of my English papers.

I want to go to Disneyland

I haven't been to Disneyland in a while and it's been quite some time since I've been without these three lovely people...(meaning only with big kids/adults and no kiddie rides)I love the look on Daniel's face in this picture. I wish I could remember why he was making that face. It was taken in line for the Winnie The Pooh ride. That day we stood in a like fifteen to twenty minute line for that ride, the longest line I've ever seen for that particular ride. It's off in a corner of the park with the only other ride near it being Splash Mountain which has been closed for refurbishment. The only other things over there is one store that sells fudge, Pooh stuff, and general souvenirs and then there's a place where Winnie The Pooh characters take pictures with guests for half an hour at a time with guests who stand in lines to see each character.

I would love to go on the Rockin' coasters once more before they change them back to regular. It's most likely not going to happen because we have no money to go.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Blades of Glory

Yesterday mom called at like 6:30 or so AM! Like, YUCK! I went over there. We took Dillon to school then went and picked up moms car from Toyopros. Then I atesome chocolate before going to the clinic. When I got to the clinic I found out we were going to the movies. We saw Blades of Glory. Kinda dumb but funny in a couple parts.

My heater ain't working. Lee came over and tried to figure out why but couldn't figure it out. It was too late for him to get ahold of anyone that can fix it so I've got thermals on. It should get fixed monday.

I need to get some homework done and organized this weekend. The end of the semester is coming next month. I also need to get my place straightened up at least a little.

Got my rent straightened out

Mom took me down to the Housing Authority building all the way in Sante Fe Springs ad we got my rent lowered by proving I didn't get that much in financial aid.

Harmony had a bad day today and in the morning she has to go to the hospital for her surgery. As always, but with special attention tonight and tomorrow, she will be in my prayers. I'm sure her sugery will go fine. Her son will figure his stuff out. Her grandpa is in heaven. It's a tough time for her but as she always tells me "This too shall pass".

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


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I feel drained. I have a headache. My back has been bothering me all day. I'm not really nausious tonight, I didnt eat much. I only ate oatmeal and toast tonight. I don't think those have salt so maybe Paula was right and it does have something to do with sodium.

A dog in class

Today I got up at 1pm, two hours after I had intended to get up, rushed around getting my laundry and school stuff together, and went to LivingWell Group. I talked in group today. It was suggested that my nausea and headaches are due to anxiety or sodium allergy. So tonight I didnt eat dinner. I ate some toast with butter a little bit ago.

After groupI went to grandma's house and started my laundry and ate some chocolate. then I went to school. One guy in the class brought his boston terrier. The teacher thought it was cool. I think it was a bit of a distraction. But not enough so that I would complain. The dog was cute. After a few minutes of oohing and awwing over the dog the guy put the dog in his lap and class went on.

the headache, the backache and the nasea

Yup, I feel like shit and don't want to do anything. I'm trying to follow a list. Dawggy's keeping me on track with that. I just want to give up and go hide from the world forever. Why do I always feel like shit at night anymore? This just ain't fair. It makes getting school work done difficult and my apartment is getting messyfrom my lazyness. I'm lazy cuz I feel like shit.

Monday, April 16, 2007

yet another stupid blog entry

I am writing here because it's on my list. The thing is, I don't know what to say. I'm watching a special Dateline on tv about the massacre at Virginia Tech today. It's sad that so many people had to die from one guy that must have had a lot of hate in him and didn't want to live anymore. I understand why someone wouldn't want to live anymore but not the desire to hurt and kill other people.

left over ravioli

I'm eating left over ravioli from olive garden. It's not nearly as good as it was fresh. I had ramen for dinner a few hours ago and corn after that. The ramen left over was just a little bit and the nausea is not very bad yet. I forgot to get my medicine from the pharmacy.

Igot a letter from financialaid at citrus college to give section 8. I also got my password reset for my voice mail. I bought the babies each a hotdog at the mall because mom didnt have enough money and they were hungry. I had $20 from Marcie's mom that was part of my birthday present. I bought myself a drink at orange julious so i only have a few dollars left now. oh well.
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I wish my space bar wasn't messed up. Sergio and Danielle both tried to fix it but got no better tha I had. At least it works now as long as you hit it just right.

I'm a bit nausious. Not as bad as I was the other night but not feeling well. I need to go to the pharmacy tomorrow and get my refill of prevacid. It helps to keep me from getting nauseated.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Olive Garden

Goofio took John, Danielle, and me to Olive Garden for our birthdays. I had three samples of different wines. I had a mozerella triangle, several breadsticks and the best Cheese Ravioli. It was marinera sauce with three types of Italian cheeses melted on top. I brought some home.

Afterward Danielle and Sergio tried to fix my space bar but couldnt. That was dissappointing. I think it's going to be broke forever.

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Hungry or bored?

I feel hungry a bit but I think its just something to do not a real hunger. I had a hungryman tv dinner (chicken parmasan) and some jello after that. I donn't need food but I want to eat. but then again i dont want to eat cuz i want to lose weight. what shall i do?

My back hurts

The medicine the doctor gave me for my back might be helping some but not tonight. My back hurts again tonight and I wish I had some vicodin or lortab. It's hard to concentrateonanything when I'm in pain. It's hard to concentrate even when I'm nnot in pain.

I'll make a wish, send it to heaven, and make you want to cry

What would you wish for if you had just one wish? What if you had three wishes? Would you wish for world piece? Would you wish for money? Love? Or simple things like a day without pain? A week or a month without a headache? I don't know what I would wish for. Perhaps to be free from backpain and/or headaches. Perhaps a lot of money for myself and my family (including Harmony and Dawggy). Maybe I would just wish for peace of mind or for my prayers to come true. I would probably wish for the world to end. I want to die but I don't want to hurt anyone when I die so I want the world to come to an end. Then there would be nobody left to miss me.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

space bar

I kinda broke my space bar. it's working for now but its not really attached to the keyboard. I'm gonna ask Goofio to try to fix it tomorrow. It's been really frustrating trying to get it back on there. I cried a lot. I wanted and still want to si but I'm not going to.

Friday, April 13, 2007


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I spend every day pretending to be fine. I hide the depression from almost everyone. I get so tired sometimes. It takes a lot to be "happy". It takes a lot to even get out of bed. The only thing that seems to keep me out of bed is talking to Harmony and Dawggy. I try to get to the clinic all 4 times a week that I'm supposed to be there but it is so hard to get and stay out of bed that early in the day and for that long. I just want to hide from the world. I want to hide so that I don't have to pretend to be fine and laugh at all the jokes. I am sorry I'm not what you want me to be...


Well it was a pretty boring day. I slept on and off most of the day. I talked to the financial aid director at Citrus and she told me I have to fill out a form for them to be able to release information. So I'll go down there after clubhouse on monday. I walked around the block to check my mail. I got nothing. It was a wasted trip. Oh well, I guess it's exercise. I talked to Marcie online for a while. Of course I talked to Harmony and Dawggy too online. I haven't got much accomplished today. I'm feeling depressed. I just want to go hide from the world. Hide from everyone and everything. I don't like life. I feel like such a waste of space and time.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

What's the point in ever trying? Nothing's changing anyways

I made jello. Sugar free strawberry kiwi. I'll get to eat it tomorrow after class, after dinner.

I'm itchy. I don't know why. I can't wait for this semester to be over but then again I like my english class. Psychology is okay too. I just hate the typing class. The directions make me feel confusedalot.

I'm following a list, Dawggy is keeping me going on it. I don't know how I ever got anything done before I knew Dawggy and Harmony. Psych is on the list twice cuz i'm studying for a test. Typing is on there somewhere too. Blog is obviously there too.

Well I guess I better move on...


I accidentally sat down with my foot some how got under the chair leg. It hurted. It's dinner time soon. I just finished a cup of decaffinated green tea. did i mention my foot hurts?


I ate a thin and crispy red baron personal pizza for dinner. It was good.

Tommorrow I have to go to school and before that I have to go to the pharmacy and get the medicine for my ears.

too many lifesavers

My tongue is icky because I ate too many lifesavers today.

I talked to Grace about the housing and she said that she can't help me. I have to go back to the housing authority office in sante fe springs and appeal. My current rent is $414 but my income is only $856 plus a couple hundred a year for financial aide for school. I can't afford the rent now. Grandma and mom cannot afford to keep paying for some of my bills. I'm very thankful that they have been helping me with my car insurance and groceries this month.

I tried calling section 8 housing but all u get are machines. i left a message and if they don't call back today (which they won't cuz it's after 6pm now) and don't call back by tomorrow afternoon i'll call them again.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Feel like shit

My head is pounding. My back is acheing. The light is too bright. I ache all over. The world is too loud. I just want to go get under the blanket and hide from it all but I have shit I gotta get done for school. I should go take a shower too. I hate myself and I wish I were dead. I'm not having a very good night. I can't think straight which makes school work really really hard.

my back hurts

Nothing new. I've taken my meds for my back but they don't reallly help much. I want to go hide in bed but I know I need to get my typing homework done, study for psychology, clean, and work on English.

I hate life. I don't want to do anything but hide.

Sunday, April 8, 2007


My mom called me around eight am this morning. I got up and went over there before the twins woke up. We each had a basket, all five of us. They all had some candy in them and there was a bowl of candy too. I got 4 twelve packs of diet soda. I left one of them over there and brought the other three home with me.

After I got home Marcie and her mom came over. They brought me housewarming and birthday gifts. They got me a cheese slicer, electric can opener, tea, some garfield stuff, headphones, windshield wipers, $20, a case for my flash drive, 2 cds, and a couple other things.

I ate ziti parmasana for dinner, then ate the left over dip and now I'm eating a can of corn. My electric can opener works good. I've been eating candy all day.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Diet Dr Pepper Berries and cream

That's what I'm drinking tonight. I don't have much to say right now. I'm following a list with Dawggy's help. I hope to stay up a while tonight and work on some home work and some cleaning. I just realized its midnight. It's Easter.

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Friday, April 6, 2007

“I can't wait to figure out what wrong with me, so I can say this is the way that I used to be”

-John Mayer

Today hasn't been a bad day like most days lately. I got to clubhouse on time. We had food. I had a blueberry muffin and a piece of my birthday cake. It was chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and strawberries on top. It was good. Lorraine gave me an extra large Tinker Bell mug that is white with a picture of tink on both sides and says TINK and the inside is green I think. It's cute. Shirly send me some large kitchen towels through Christine.

After clubhouse Christine took Pauline and Maggie home then met me at grandma's house. She helped me move a book case here. I gave her $5 for gas money. I wish I could give her more.

I called grandma to let her know that I was safely home and got a dog treat in the mail and to see if today was the day my mom and I were going to go grocery shopping but mom is still gone buying easter stuff and drain-o and who knows what. Me and grandma talked awhile, mostly about how stupid Mando is and how he treats my mom and the twins.

Now I'm following a list...


Another lazy day

I didn't get out of bed until about 4:30pm. I then got up and rushed around to get to school on time. I made it but just barely. Class went ok. I've got a couple of papers to do. I then went and got some of my clothes from there and played Nintendo with mom and Dillon.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007


Today I went to clubhouse in the morning. Annette gave me my meds early because she won't be there friday.

No cake.

After clubhouse and talking to Annette I went to grandma's house. I took grandma to get her almost dead car and followed her back to the house. A few minutes later I left to get to my 2:45pm doctor appointment. I went to get some pain meds for my back and to find out why I keep getting dizzy and my ears ring. The doctor gave me Naproxen and samples of a muscle relaxer called skelaxin that's not covered by Medi-cal. He looked at my ears and said they were inflamed which didn't surprise me cuz they hurt and the ringing. Dizzyness can be caused by a problem with your ears.

I went back to grandma's and after a while we went to sizzler. Grandma gave mom $60 for us to eat and give me the change. So I've got about $5 and some change now from that. I paid my $3 dues today at clubhouse so I have two five dollar bills now and some change. I'm trying not to spend any money unless I really have to.


I'm scared. I just know someone is waiting to hurt me. They follow me on the streets. They make the radio talk to me. They lurk everywhere I go. They hide in the corners in my apartment at night. I don't know what to do with myself.

“And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.”

-Abraham Lincoln

Nothing matters. No need for a cake. No need for candles. No need for gifts. No reason to celebrate. No reason to cry any more tears. No "happy birthday" needed. It's just another miserable day.

Technically my birthday ended an hour ago. But mom's taking me out to dinner tomorrow for my birthday and this weekend Marcie may come over and bring me a gift. I want to get my birthday behind me and forget about it for the rest of the year. I want to die and can't.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

My birthday

Today is April 3, 2007, my 26th birthday. A reminder that I have to live yet another year. I have always hoped to be dead before I got any older. I wish I could just die but suicide is not an option and that leaves me here miserable. I shouldnt be miserable. i've got friends and stuff. i even have my own apartment but i cant afford it.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes

parts of my apartment:

fold up table
tv cabinet
filing cabinet


Dax book
daily bread
want list

the fiction, the romance, and the technocolor lights

Well its about 2:45pm. It's April fools day. Mom had the the twins tell me that grandma's car was stolen. They thought that was really funny. In two days I will be 26. I'm not sure how I feel about being in my late twenties. I always thought and hoped that I would be dead by then.

John, Danielle, and Sergio came over last night. We had Hungry Howie's pizza and played Yahtzee then watched TV a while until they all left around eleven-thirty.

I couldn't sleep last night in bed so I layed on the couch and slept there until seven this morning when I woke up to go potty. I tried going back to bed and couldn't get to sleep so I went back to the couch and slept there until about noon.

I feel down today. It's a normal day. I tried burning my mom a mixed CD and it kept messing up. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I'll ask Dawggy when he gets home, if he's got the time. They're busy with Jessie and Nick (their daughter and grandson).

I need to go through the rest of the boxes. I need to get some English work done. I need to clean the kitchen. I need to clean the bathroom. I need to clean the bedroom and fix the damn bed that keeps sliding off the box springs. My apartment is not a disaster area like my mom assumes it is. It's presentable but little things like theres a ring around the toilet and there is toothpaste splattered on the mirror and facet in the bathroom. The kitchen has a couple things in it like a couple spoons and a butterknife. I still haven't washed all the dishes that Christine gave me because I'm not sure where to put them. I don't have a lot of cabinet space. My livingroom isn't bad but I really need to get through the boxes that are in there. I worked on that a little bit today and threw a bunch of papers and odds and ends in the trash. My bedroom looks kinda like a tornado hit it this morning because the blanket is on the floor and the sheet is coming off my bed again, the closet is open and my tv tray is full of school stuff.

Dawggy and Harmony and their daughter and grandson are at a barbecue. I don't know what time they'll be home. I've got headphones on and turned up so I can drown out some of the noise in my head. At the moment I'm listening to Matchbox 20's CD, "Mad Season".


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