Sunday, September 30, 2007

Marcie came over today

It'd been quite some time since I'd seen her. She came over around 2:30pm and we talked and played Candyland (yes the game for 3-6 year olds). I won 2 out of 3 times. hehe. Then we played Homer Simpson Operation. That was hard and frustrating at times but fun. I won that game too. Then we went to CoffeeBean &Tea Leaf. I had a blueberry pomegranate ice blended drink. It was good. Marcie had a chai tea of some sort. We talked about her first date with her new boyfriend who she says they're "just friends" but the two kisses he gave her and she kissed back say that they are a bit more than friends. He's older than her but we don't see a major problem with that.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

sleep

thats all i want to do. i slept for about 4.5 hours this afternoon after class and would have slept longer if Dawggy hadn't called me and told me to get my lazy ass out of bed. i'm trying to follow a list now with Dawggy's help. I just want to give up on school and cleaning my apartment and go to bed and watch tv or listen to music til i fall back asleep. i sleep with the light on almost always. grandma always hated that but now i pay my own electricity bill so i can keep my lights on whenever i want to. marcie and i are going to get together tomorrow and do something tomorrow. prolly play games.

Friday, September 28, 2007

my soundtrack (first try)




This is sorta the soundtrack of my life. There's songs I wish could be on it but couldn't find them on the website.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Best shirt....stupidity

I didn't go to clubhouse this morning cuz I just couldn't get myself out of bed. I suck. I was getting dressed to go get my meds this afternoon and I cut my leg. I bent over and got blood on my best shirt, the shirt I wear when I'm "dressed up" a bit. The white one with the pretty 3/4 sleeves. I tried to cllean it up but i dont know how to get the blood out. then i cried and then i cried crimson a little more. then i went to grandmas. ate a donut. played with the twins and the dogs a bit. grandma gave me some milk, another doughnut, an orange, and 2 bananas to bring home. i'm crying again (crystal not crimson but i want to cry crimson tears) i wish i could just die but thatd hurt my family and my friends and i dont want to hurt anybody anymore than i already have. i know people care about me and love me. i just some times wish no one did so i could end it all and no one would get hurt.

i try to study. i cry and i sleep and i cut and i eat. i sleep. i cry. i sleep. i cut. i try to study. i sleep.... i don't get much done.

I HATE ME, MOST OF THE INSIDE PEOPLE HATE ME, AND WE ALL WANT ME TO DIE!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

upset

i got upset by something someone said to me on IM. very upset. cut. talked to my friends in depressionchat. cried hard long time. cut more. talked to tara on the phone. calmed down mostly. still want to cut more. made oatmeal. milk was soured. now i feel like throwing up. called mom. hannah's still awaake. shes got school in the mornning. i want to die. i'm gonna loseoneof my best friends cuz i'm stupid and dont know how to keep mmy mouth shut. i want to die. why wont Godtake me?

Harmony's in the hospital again

Harmony went back into the hospital yesterday morning after cutting herself. I feel like it's my fault. I should have been there for her more. I should have been more careful what I've said to her over the past few months and weeks. I knew and know she was having a hard time but so am I.

I've been cutting pretty much everyday, sometimes more than once a day. My pdoc made me show her my legs and asked why my legs say "BITCH" and "DIE". I HATE showing her my cuts as much as I hate cataloging class. It makes me want to cut more but not tell anyone about it and not let anyone see it. I hate trying to explain why I did it. Then the doctor called in the case manager covering for Grace since Grace quit for a job closer to home (I miss her but I don't blame her. I'm happy she found herself another good job closer to home.) He had his supervisor called in. Dr. Policar (my pdoc) wants to transfer me to another doctor. Dr. Patel (case manager's superviser) said I should see my tdoc (Dr. Dimeo who I like but won't be seeing long cuz they are transfering me to the new therapist they just hired), more often. I don't know how to feel about that.

I had the first test in psychology of religion. It was 35 multiple choice and true false questions, open book. It was so confusing. I didn't look most of the questions up cuz the questions didn't make any sense to me so I didn't know what to look up. I hope I'm a good guesser. I felt like crying. I went home and SI'd.

Today I went to the court about my speeding ticket. $198. Plus traffic school so my record stays clean. Fortunately I got a financial aid check today from Citrus so I'll be able to pay it. They gave me a 2 month extension to pay the ticket cuz I told them I didn't have the money. Now I gotta worry about Section 8 saying I lied about my financial aid cuz at the time I filled out the re-examination packet a few days ago I didnt know I was getting a check. I don't know what to do about it.

After court I went back to bed for several hours. Dawggy called me twice to get me out of bed cuz I asked him to wake me up if I didnt get up in a couple of hours. All I ever want to do is lay in bed and mostly sleep. The only reason I get out of bed is cuz I have school and the stupid clinic to go to and homework to do. I really struggle with school work. The concentration just ain't there and the work confuses the hell out of me.

Well I better go do some homework now...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

"BITCH"

that word is now sloppily lightly carved into my lower leg. why? i don't know. i cut to relax so i could lay still and get to sleep. i didnt know i was going to carve. david decided that. i've got the hiccups. my alarm is set for seven. its like three-thirty now. i need to go to sleep but i cant get comfortable. i bled pretty. got blood on the floor tho. i cleaned that up.

/me goes back to bed again

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I HATE cataloging!

I'm so lost. I hate the book. It's falling apart everytime I change the page. I hate the time of the class (8am-who knows when every damned saturday). I don't understand the assignments. I emailed the teacher asking for help. She emailed me back telling me to look at the book. I DID LOOK AT THE BOOK! I've already SI'd twice today. I want to cut again. I want to bleed pretty again. I want to cry crimson and stop the crystal tears that keep coming unexpectedly. I just wish I could die and not have to worry about the future. I hate thinking about the future. I can't do it without getting upset. I can't think about the past either without getting upset.

She's "Gotta go"...

...I've "gotta si".
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I didnt mean to upset her. I typed without thinking. she asked me "Do you want to live the rest of your life in your bed like Grama?" and I answered "no i dont want to live the rest of my life at all". Stupid stupid me.
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die bitch die...thats what i hear

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketPlease forgive me Harmony!? I LOVE YOU!

Sunday, September 2, 2007

another night in moms room

Today, well officially yesterday since it's like 2:23AM, I slept on the couch til like nine am from like 4:30am or so then got in moms bed for a couple hours. Took Kylee to turn in her cans and the guy went to lunch when we got there and was a jerk to kylee and turned the machine off so she couldnt even do that.I loaned her $10 so she could get something to eat cuz she was spending the day with Tricia (her gf) and another friend. She didnt spend the money and gave it back to me when she got home but i'm not sure where I put it.
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My back is hurting bad tonight.

After taking kylee to her gf's house i went home. sat in front of the ac a while then went and paid my rent. she gave me a honeydew. me and mom finished it off already. it was good. after paying my rent i went home and took a shower and attempted to take a nap but couldnt get to sleep. so i packed and came over here to moms. i took an hour and a half nap on kylees bed then got up and read a little. we had little ceaser pizza (which was icky) and crazy bread (which was good). i got on the computer about midnight. i made dawggy mad at me. i confessed i bought blades the other day and he got mad and refused to talk to me. he wouldnt accknowledge the fact that i was making efforts not to use them. like comiing over here. like calling my mom when i felt like cutting. I"M TRYING DAMNIT!

DARREN HAYES LYRICS"How To Build A Time Machine"

If I have understood correctly
Velocity equals the distance traveled
Divided by time
I've read every word ever printed
On quantum physics
And now it is time to try
I read your book, I found your notes
I dusted this thing off and turned on
The key
The rumbling motors
The buzzing incredible gadgets
The hissing electricity
And now the moment has come
I'm traveling back in time

They're running down the hall
I've started the countdown
They want me to stop
But I don't think so
I'm ready to go
Let's get the job done

Beyond the paradoxical
All the lights are dazzling
Pass the planes, and trains, and satellite navigation
Pass the time I spent today
Through the nearest wormhole
In a stunning ball
Of white
The light explodes and lands on you

And you're five
Always running away
And I was dying to kiss you
And I
I don't want to cry
I don't want to see
Where the moving van takes you
So I travel on
Beyond the stars
At one hundred and eighty-six thousand miles per second
I can fly
Forward a few years
To nineteen hundred and seventy nine
I caught a glimpse of the sky

They're coming down the road
They're coming to get me
I never should have come
I hide the time machine
I'm running down the hall
I think I'm in my old house

Pass the place where I grew up
Number nine Lake Road
Pass the swimming pool
And Mable park
And past Troy Clifford's house
To the Argonaut (?)
To the fish and chip shop
Out the back and down the road
To the place I got beat up

Hey, put that rock down
Can't you see he's half your size?
Hey, he looks familiar
Oh my god, he's me, age nine

Put your shoes on
And run away from here
I can't get involved
This is all so weird
I'm meeting myself
This is all so clear

All the things I've lost
All the people I've hurt
All the times I lied
All the moments wasted
All I never did
All the dreams I had
All the things I would change
I can change them

All the things I've lost
All the people I've hurt
All the times I lied
All the moments wasted

I'm gonna make right
What I did wrong
And change how the future has come
Through appliance of science
I'll take a hold of my enemies
Take their obscenities
Kiss them, and leave them like lovers who've gone
I'll call my dad
I'll tell him I miss him
And tell my reflection: 'it's not your fault'
And now the moment has come
I'm traveling back in time

They're running down the hall
I've started the countdown
They want me to stop
But I don't think so
I'm ready to go
Let's get the job done

Put your shoes on and
Run away from here
I can't get involved
This is all so weird (It's me aged nine)
Let's get the job done

All the things I've lost
All the people I've hurt
All the times I lied
All the moments wasted
All I never did
All the dreams I had
All the things I would change
I can change them

Beyond the paradoxical
All the lights are dazzling
Pass the planes, and trains, and satellite navigation
Pass the time I spent today
Through the nearest wormhole
In a stunning ball
Of white
The light explodes into another moment

Saturday, September 1, 2007

computer in the shop again

it hasn't been working very well since i spilled soda on it. so i took it in friday afternoon. hopefully i'll hear something today, saturday. its almost 4am now and i have a headache. i'll prolly go to bed before too long.

i bought new blades today. they aren't sharp enough tho. thats what i get for buying the cheap ones. i only used one a little bit. called mom several times trying to stay occupied and eventually was told to just come over. sergio and brianna came over last nigt and gave me a bunch of stuff as a housewarming present. thursday mom took me to the clinic to talk to grace then came over and cleaned my kitchen and bathrroom. marcie came over and gave me some school supplies including a digital recorder to record my lectures at school.

i feel so depressed. i dont know what i'm going to do if i have to get a new computer. i have no extra money.

well theres only one song left on this cd then i'm gonnna head to the couch. hopefully i'll blog again soon....ttfn

sing to me


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