Monday, December 31, 2007

please hate me

I spent most of the day in bed, staring at the ceiling, stairing at the wall, staring at the clock, and at times staring at the inside of my eyelids. I got up at 9am. I was up a short while but I was cold and there was nothing to do so I got back in bed. I got up briefly a few other times but mostly I just laid there, listening. Listening to the music, listening to my computer, but mostly listening to the inside people. Most of which was not pleasant conversation.

John called around 2pm and invited me to his house tomorrow night for new years. That was because I had asked them to come over here for new years. They obviously didn't want to do that. He said he won't be drinking because he had such a nasty hangover on Christmas. I expected as much. He said he's not drinking until the first of the year if ever. He'll drink again. Possibly tomorrow night even. I may drink a little, I don't know. If they have jello shooters again I don't think I can NOT drink cuz I love those. They'll probably have peppermint martinee left over cuz they bought a big bucket of it and no one liked it but me. They all said it taste like cough syrup. I love peppermint. I probably won't get drunk if I do drink. It calms the inside people some when I do drink. If alcohol wasn't so damn expensive I'd drink all the time. Just not when I have to drive. I will never drink and drive. I make sure if I have to go somewhere where there is alcohol I either don't have any or make sure there is someone who will drive me there and home who is not drinking. That's usually Danielle.

I keep crying today. I'm so alone. There is no one who I can really talk to about the hard stuff. Dawggy just says "when you start talkin all bullshity bout your life sux etc i ignore you" "your one negative sumbitch" Sandye says "I can't handle it" . Nanny is always busy helping someone else and then goes back to bed. Like everyone else she don't have time for me. I know I can call marcie but she's got a life now and I don't want to interupt that. She seems happier now than I've ever known her. I don't want to dampin that. And thats it. When I get to my therapist the inside people don't let me talk to her. The keyboard is the only way I can express anything. If I ever lose my computer I don't know what I'd do. I know I'd cut a hell of a lot more.

I put on that mask I use to hide. the i'm ok mask. I try so hard not to talk about the bad stuff with anyone, to not even let on i'm hurting. when my friends call i'm "fine" then I hang up and cry. when I talk to my family on the phone i'm "fine" then I hang up and cry. sometimes i can't cry so i cry crimson tears instead. When I go to the clinic they ask me how I am. Whenever anyone anywhere asks me I usually say I'm ok. That don't mean shit. Sometimes I am "ok" at that moment, but not always. I am scared. I can't say anything to anyone because they'll take everything away from me. They'll put me in the hospital. Take away my music, take away my computer, take away my friends, take away even my shoelaces. I can't stand to be in the hospital and I'll do anything to get out as soon as possible. I'll lie. I'll pretend. I'll not cry. I'll hold it all in until they let me go home, then I'll hide and bleed it all out.

I hate that people care about me. I hate that people say they love me. Especially when the twins say they love me, and Daniel tells me he loves me several times every time he sees me. It makes me want to cry. I don't want anyone to love me. At least Dawggy don't say he loves me anymore. That's one down and several to go. How can I get everyone to hate me? How can I make everyone wish I was dead so that I can die without guilt? THat's what I pray for. I spend less and less time praying for God to take care of those I love and more and more time asking Him to make everyone hate me and want me dead. I pray for the Lord to please let my suffering end. Please let others pray for the end of my life. Please give me the courage to cut "too deep"


Sunday, December 30, 2007

can't take anymore

My back is killing me. Ibeprofin is not helping but that's nothing new. I'm really down. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want to sit here alone either. My family is a phone call away but they are all sleeping and wouldn't know what to say to me anyways. I really really want to cut. I hate this feeling.

The year is coming to an end and here I am, alone, going to a stupid mental health clinic three days a week, and even fatter than I was last year. I almost never see my friends. They forget about me. Marcie remembers me, she talks to me when she gets online but we never really get together and do anything. I never have any money. I never will have any money. I have no future. Just the same shit every day, every week, every month, every stupid year! I don't know if I'll ever work. I have no idea what I want to do. I thought I wanted to be a librarian but I suck at all the librarian tasks and no longer look forward to working in a library. I want a job that I can work nights but I don't know of any. I have no talents. I suck at school. The only way I get decent grades is by getting everyone and anyone to help me with the assignments to the point that it's probably cheating, or is cheating. I just want to die.

I keep crying. I hate myself. I would kill myself but that would hurt my family and my friends too much, but sometimes I wonder if I'm really doing more harm by continueing to live like this. I'm no good for anybody. I always have been and always will be a burden. I wish all the people who love me would quit loving me so I wouldn't feel so guilty anymore. I don't understand how anyone can love me. There is nothing good about me.

I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of the headaches. I'm tired of the backpain. I'm tired of the hurting all over every damn day. I'm tired of the medicines not working. I'm tired of being so damn confused and forgetful. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired of being told not to cut. I'm so tired of having to live with myself and all the people who live with me in my head. I do not know what to do with myself. I just want to take every pill I can find, find a sharp blade and cut until I die. Why did God put me here? To practice suffering so hell won't be so scary? I know that's where I'm going. Only humans who love the Lord, Jesus Christ, will go to heaven. I'm not really human. I do not belong in this world. I never have and I never will. I don't know where I belong. The only place I may fit in is hell.

Oh please God, please make the suffering stop! Why? Why did you let me be born? Why did you let me live to be so old? When is it going to be over? Ever? Never?

I've failed everyone who's ever expected anything from me. I'm a complete loser. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm lazy. I'm a slob. I have suffered enough already. I give in. Whatever it is you want, please tell me! Please?! Please end this somehow. I can't take anymore. I'm not strong enough. I can't do anything right and I'm tired of trying.
Please help me.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas 2007

It was a good one this year. Christmas eve day I had to go to the clinic. I was supposed to be there at 9:30am but I didn't get there until about noon. They let us out about 15 minutes early so I got my meds and went to the lobby to wait for my therapist to call me in. While I was waiting Ricardo called me in and asked me about my money situation because I spent too much on Christmas presents and had trouble paying my car insurance bill but I borrowed some money and will be able to pay it back next month with the clinic's help. After that I saw Dr. Bellman. The session was short because I couldn't think of anything to talk about because I was thinking about that night and all the stuff I had to do and of course the next day. I was in a pretty good mood. When I left there I ran by Wal-mart and got a $10 gift card to take to the party as a white elephant gift. John called me while I was looking for a parking spot at wal-mart and told me to call him when I got home because he was going to come pick me up. So I did. Then I straightened up a bit and ate a quasidilla (how the heck do you spell the word for cheese taco?). John picked me up a short while later and we went to his house and waited for everyone else to arrive. It was about 3:15. Shortly after that we started tasting the jello shots. They had two different kinds. Over the course of about 8 hours I had a few of each. I also had a couple peppermint martinees. I did not get drunk tho, unlike John.

Before everyone else got there we played Wii sports with John's nephew, Eddie. That was fun. We each took the sports fitness test. You play bowling, tennis, and baseball and then it gives you your Wii fitness age from 20-80 years old, 20 being the best. I had never played a Wii before and am also very bad at sports stuff so my age, of course, was 80. Oh well, it was fun anyways.

Eventually everyone else arrived. John got so drunk he started puking. He got sick a couple times in the bathroom before being sat on the couch with a blanket over him. He got sick all over himself and was taken outside to get some fresh air. They gave him some bread because he had refused to eat much of his dinner. That did not stay down. Eventually he was carried back inside and passed out on the couch for the rest of the night. Before that Marcie had come over for a short while. She didn't stay for white elephant or gift exchange but she did bring a few gifts. She didn't bring mine and I didn't bring hers because we are going to exchange gifts when her and her mom come over to my moms house so we can all exchange gifts.

At John's house I got a diary from Emma. I got a Starbucks gift card from Linda (Danielle's mom). John and Danielle got me a game called Last Word. They also got me 2 shirts. One is a long sleeve purple tshirt. The other is a mint green sweater with a hood. Both are very nice. They spent quite a bit on me because they also got me my headphones I like. They have a like 14 FOOT cord and volume control on the cord. They got me the warrenty too. For the white elephant game Sergio and Brianna brought a whip and nipple clips. Nobody wanted them. I ended up with them for a short while but on my turn I stole the wal-mart card from Emma. Fortunatly Brianna traded whatever it was her and Sergio ended up with with Emma at the end so she didn't get stuck with the nipple clips. Sergio and Bri will probably use them. Emma NEVER would. I was so relieved to get rid of those damn things. They're scary.

By one am Danielle (who had only a taste of alcohol, not even an entire drink, and that was early in the evening) took me home. When I got home I got online and watched tv while I poked around on the computer. I talked to nanny a while. Harmony had said she would probably be online but she wasn't so that was a bit disappointing but hopefully she actually got some sleep. Eventually I was really cold so I got under the blankets and watched tv. I set my alarm for 6am and tried to sleep. I think I slept about half an hour or so. At about five am Harmony called me to wish me a Merry Christmas. It was good to hear from her. Shortly after that I got up and ate an orange. Then I ate some toast. Then I started to get ready to go. When I brushed my teeth I gagged and threw up. That was not fun. I don't think it was from the alcohol much because it happens occassionally even without having drank.

I got to my family's home around 7am. Kylee and Dillon were still asleep and the twins were not home yet. I chatted with mom and grandma and ate some malt balls. Eventually Dillon got up and mom had me wake Kylee up. The twins were supposed to be home at 9:30am. The twins were probably driving Mando nuts to come home because he got them home at 9:10am. The twins were wearing their dressy Christmas clothes. She in a pretty red dress and he in some nice pants and a button up shirt under a nice red sweater. They were so thrilled by the presents that they didn't want to change. Mom got Hannah changed into her more comfortable Christmas clothes but Daniel would have no part of it. One of the first things they saw was the ball I got them that have a handle and you sit on them and bounce. They are green and have spongebob on them. Daniel loved his. They each got a small reclyner chair with a teddy bear that tells a four minute story sitting in them. They loved that too. Daniel could not wait to tear open the presents but mom said to wait until she got the video camera going. We did our stockeings first. We always do. I got mint milano cookies (my favorite) and some candy in mine. So did Kylee and Dillon. The twins got some candy and a couple small toys in theirs. Then we opened presents. That took a long time. There were tons of things to open. Everything the twins opened they wanted to play with RIGHT THEN. Eventually we got everything opened.

Me and Kylee each got an 80GB ipod. Dillon got a Wii and some games and accesories to go with it. Dillon also got a digital camera. Me and Kylee already had ones. The twins got kid digital cameras. They do everything the regular ones do plus they have a couple little games on them and are kid tough. It'll be hard to break those things. Kylee, Dillon, and myself all got iHomes, which are docking stations for our iPods. They are speakers, am/fm radio, and alarm clock. It's cool. I'm listening to my iPod on it now. It has a remote but I'm not sure where that is right now. My room is a big mess right now. In a little while I will start cleaning it.

All seven of us got new pillows. They are Joe Boxer brand. They seem like good ones. We all needed them. What else did we get? Quite a bit of stuff. The twins got a lot of toys. Kylee got a guitar hero game for her PS2 and 2 guitars to go with it. I got a new jacket. It's a sweatjacket that is black and says Grumpy across it with a picture of Grumpy from the seven drawfs on it. I like it a lot. I got a nice sweater too. It's one of those ones that looks like it's got a white shirt underneath. It's kinda big on me but that's okay. I got 2 packages of panities. It'll be about a week before I wear any of them tho, I started my damn period today. (Like you needed to know that, right? TMI? Oh well.) I got a black pair of jeans and a blue pair. They are size 20. I wish I wore a smaller size but all my pants that fit me are 20's and 22's. I got a 304 capacity CD/DVD organizer book. It don't hold the cases but mom couldn't find anything that did. Oh well. I got a container of monitor wipes. Dawggy suggested I ask for those. I wouldn't have thought to ask for them. They are good for the tv screen as well as my laptop screen. I haven't used it on the laptop yet cuz I'm pretty sure you're supposed to use them when the computer is off but it worked good on my tv. I didn't realize how filthy it was. I also got several pairs of cute socks. I got a U2 live concert DVD. I can't wait to get my DVD player and stuff hooked up so I can watch it and the Harry Potter DVD's I got last Christmas. I got a powersurge protector bar and an adapter for my tv so now I just need to find someone that can help me hook them up because I have no idea where to start. Kylee got me a stapler and Dillon got me the DVD game of Are You Smarter than a Fifth grader, yet another thing I'm looking forward to doing once I have my dvd player hooked up. I got another clock radio. So now I've got three things to wake me up. Hopefully I won't have so much trouble getting up now.

I got grandma some Oil of Olay lotion cuz she's always liked olay products. I also got her a gift basket of cucumber melon smelling soaps and lotions and such. It's something I would like. I got Dillon and Kylee each a gift card for I also got Kylee some pjs and gave her the gift card for Wal-mart. I gave Dillon an Angels and Airwaves poster and half a dozen little Angels and Airwaves pins. I gave the twins those balls you bounce on and each a little fuzzy ball with a face that when dropped goes crazy, vibrating, rolling, and making noise, talking and singing. They are very amusing to me. The twins got a kick out of them too. I got mom a watch, a camera, and some perfume. Unfortunatly the perfume bottle broke in the package before she could open it. I'd won it in a contest so it wasn't an expensive loss. I told her I'd buy her some perfume for her birthday, which is in March.

I spent the day with my family and we had a good time. I did take a nap there for a while tho. I then got up and helped the twins figure out lots of their new toys. Shortly after dark I went home. Took another nap. Got up and made ramen and watched tv a while then started playing with my iPod and iHome. Presents or no presents it was a good holiday. The presents were great too.

Merry Christmas all. Hope yours was a great as mine.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

the semester is OVER!

I took my cataloging final this morning. I got an 86 on it. In the class I got 971 points in the class. The teacher says that there were 1000 points possible but the website says 1050. Either way I should get an A on my transcripts for this class. In psychology I'll probably get a B. I don't know when the grades will be posted though.

I've GOT to get my Christmas presents all wrapped tonight and tomorrow because the next day is Christmas eve and I'll be gone all day. I have to be at the clinic from 9:30-2pm for IOP then I meet with my therapist after that, then Ricardo wants to talk to me. So I wont get home until at least 4pm. Then I've got to go to Johns that night, and I won't get home from there until like 2 or so. Then I'll probably stay up the rest of the night and then go over to mom's house between nine and nine thirty in the morning before the twins get home from their dad's house. Then Christmas is going to be a LONG day because I'll be tired as hell. We wont get to opening presents until about a quarter after ten. By the time we get everything opened and all the paper cleaned up and all the twins toys out of the packages and working it'll be afternoon. Then Marcie and her mom may come over to exchange presents. As soon as they leave I'm going home and going to bed that afternoon.

Friday, December 21, 2007

cans and bottles

Today I went to the clinic. I got there about 11am. Ricardo had called me yesterday and told me to come today. He gave me a box of food. Elaine (a friend from clubhouse) gave me a pretty little crossstitched pillowcase she made. Jennifer (one of the girls that run IOP) gave me a bathroom set.

After the clinic I went to grandmas house. I ate sketti. I talked to grandma. I went to the 99cent store. I came back to grandmas. Waited for Kylee to get home and finish eating. Then I took Kylee to my apartment and we filled my car completely...couldnt see out the back window and the trunk was full...of empty cans and bottles. I got a little over fifty five dollars for all of that.

Then I took Kylee home and waited for my mom to get back from buying stocking stuffers. Then I talked to mom a little and she helped me take the box of food (minus the few things that I wouldnt eat) to my car and the sketti sauce grandma gave me and a couple other odds and ends I was taking home with me (mail and a thing or two i'd left over there). Then I went home and put some of my food away, and talked to my friends online and ate two more bowls of spaghetti and got it all over me.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

almost christmas/bills

Christmas is like a week from today I think. I've spent way too much on presents and now don't have enough for my bills. I don't know what to do. I suck at manageing my money. I'm worrying about it a lot.

Tonight was Kylee's choir concert at school. Mom, me, Dillon, Hannah, and Daniel went. Kylee was good. She had one solo. She did it good. Kylee's in both choirs. They have different black dresses for each choir so like 3 times during the concert she had to run into the bathroom and change really fast. I think she was wearing the shorter, skimpier one under the other dress but i'm not sure.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

same old story

My head is killing me. Ibeprofen is doing nothing. My tooth hurts. I DID make it to IOP today. Getting home was kind of a pain because I had to back track because of the stupid construction on Valley and Sunset. I'm watching a dateline special about the Septuplets. I want to cut. I've accomplished so little today and I feel like shit. I'm cold and my hands hurt.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

yet again

I couldn't get up and I missed IOP. I've had a bad headache for a couple days now and a toothache. I went down there at like 2:30 and talked to Ricardo and got my meds from Gabby. I have to go tomorrow. After the clinic I dragged myself to wal-mart to get computer paper and flavored water. I want to cut so bad. I don't know how much longer I can keep from doing it tonight. I don't know why I bother to try not to cut. I usually end up doing it anyways. And it seems the more I try not to cut the more I end up cutting in the end.

depression and a toothache

I've been depressed today. I couldnt even get myself to care enough today to get my meds let alone go to IOP. I went to mom's house, found a box, and mailed Dawggy and Harmony's Christmas presents, but didn't even do that until like 4pm. I just hid in bed all day. Sleeping, tossing and turning, staring at the wall. I want to cut. I want to die. I just don't care any more. I have so much homework right now but I just can't make sense of any of it tonight. It's due this saturday. Theres so much to do and I can't do it at IOP cuz I have to use the internet.


I went to class tonight. We got our notebooks back. I got an A+ which helped some. I've had a toothache tonight. I've taken ibuprofen but it still hurts. I had no problems until the dentist filled the cavity, and now it hurts. Why is that? It was a little sensitive before. Now it's still sensitive but hurts and makes my whole jaw and head hurt tonight.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

another week

Another week has come and gone. I've been cold and stressed and clinching my teeth. I've had pretty much a constant headache for a while now. Dawggy's helping me follow a list. Sweeps aren't on the list. It's mostly homework, with a little bit of cleaning thrown in. Lee (my landlord) came and fixed my heater today. Now when I take a shower it won't be AS cold. It's sunday night, I've got IOP in the morning, then mom's house, then school at 7pm. Psychology of religion. I'm pretty sure we have a test. Hopefully I'll get the dishes done tonight and will fix myself a lunch to take with me, or at least fix a drink to take with me. Maybe some popcorn.

I had soup for dinner tonight. That was the first thing I'd eaten today. Since then I've ate a bit of blueberry cereal. I slept most of the day. I'm such a lazy slob. I deserve to be miserable. I deserve punishment.

Monday, December 3, 2007

sunday looking at monday

It's sunday. I spent most of the day in bed. I've got thermals and sweats on and I'm still cold. I've been cold all day. I've completed my notebook for psychology of religion. I haven't even looked at this weeks cataloging assignment or lab yet. I'll have to wait for the teacher to hopefully email me tomorrow about helping me. I'll have to do the assignment and lab (if I can figure them out) tomorrow night. It's already midnight and I still have to get ready for tomorrow. I'm following a list. Jerry got my agent working again. I've got the snottist nose lately. My hands and feet hurt. My back hurts. I've got a long day tomorrow. Mondays are always long. IOP from 9:30am-2:30pm, then moms house. Then class at 7pm. I'm getting a headache again.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

lost the fight

I cut myself. I'm such a loser. I wish I would have bled more.

I'm talking to nanny. Talking to Dawggy. Doing a list. I'm a little overwhelmed with the amount of schoool work I need to get done. I'm listening to music. I still have a headache.

Saturday, December 1, 2007


My headache has gotten worse again. I took some ibeprofen a while ago but it hasn't helped. I want to cut so bad. I'm cold. I'm frustrated with myself, angry at myself. I hate myself. I fell asleep and missed class this morning. Didn't get out of bed until almost four pm. My head hurts bad. I'm cold. I want to go hide, cut, and hide some more. I want to bleed to death but I won't cut that much.

have been busy

I have been busy with end of semestter work, sleeping, and IOP. At the clinic they put me in Intensive Out Patient instead of clubhouse. They said I only have to go 3 days instead of the usual 5 tho. So now I have to go to the clinic Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday from 9:30am-2:30pm. I'll see Dr. Jay every tuesday I think they said. I'll get my meds one day at a time M-W and then meds for wednesday night til sunday night on wednesdays. I'm not sure when I'll be seeing Dr. Bellmen now. Is it Bellman or Bellmen? I don't remember. Oh I've thought of something I can talk to her about. The emails from Rick. Well I'm following a list, trying to get my notebook together for psychology of religion which is due monday. I missed class again today. I haven't cut yet but it's really hard not to.

Monday, November 26, 2007

what do i want to talk to my therapist about?

I'm not sure. I'm not good at actually coming up with a topic to talk about. I wish I could come up with a topic. I just go blank. Someone give me some ideas?

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Sleeping on the couch..

I spent most of the day asleep on the couch, with the heater on and a big, thick, fleece blanket on me. I was sooo comfy. I had bagel bite pizzas for dinner. My back hurts right now and I've got a headache and my nose is running and my ear hurts. So, in other words, I feel like shit. But whatever. My back only hurts when I breathe. I'm ok tho. A little depressed. A lot urgy. I still feel guilty about eating all the pudding and not leaving grandma any the other day. I also feel confused and frustrated about the whole damn cataloging class. I miss my phone. I wanted to call my mom today to ask her something and couldn't. She's signed on a couple times at night over the last few days but she never answers my instant messages. I have a long day tomorrow. Clubhouse, therapy, psychiatrist, mom's house, possibly the mall, talk to Shirley, and have pizza and learn about Christianity in psychology class.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Lonely night

Poor Dawggy is sick. I miss him and pray he feels better tomorrow. I hate when people I care about are sick. I don't want people to hurt or feel bad. My nose is running. I'm hurting all over. I have a headache. My ear hurts. I slept most of the day. I've been cold all day except for a short period of time after I ate. I had ramen for dinner. I had peanut butter and honey this afternoon. I had a raspberry sorbet bar (healty choice brand) for dessert. I also had some life cereal. I took my night meds a few minutes ago along with an ibuprofen.

I finished the chapter of Stand Like Mountain, Flow Like Water (a self-help/spirituality book used as one of 4 textbooks for psychology of religion). Now I have a blank spot on my list. I'll have to go look at old lists and see what I can stick in that spot.

/me misses Big Daddy.

Friday, November 23, 2007

my ear

My left ear keeps clogging up. It hurts. It's hard to hear out of it. I guess I may have an ear infection. If it is still bothering me monday I"ll hopefully have time to call my family doctor and make an appointment. Monday is going to be a long busy day. I have to be at clubhouse at 9:30am. It ends at 11:45am. I have therapy with Dr. Bellman at noon. That ends at 12:50pm. Then at 1pm I have an appointment with my psychatrist, Dr. Policar. After that I have to go to mom's house. Hopefully my new phone will be there. If it's early enough I'll try to go to the mall and ask them to try to transfer the contacts to the new phone. At four pm I have to go to school and talk to Shirley about my missing assignments/labs. Hopefully she'll be in a helpful mood. I'll stay there until I'm caught up or it gets to be seven pm. At seven I have psychology of religion. We're having "Crust and Christ night". We are learning about Christianity and having pizza.

I really like my psychology of religion class...The teacher is funny and interesting. The subject is interesting. Three of the four books are interesting and informative. (The fourth one is over my head). Dawggy and Harmony want to read the books when I am done with them. I hope they enjoy the class work as much as I have.

List all the qualities in yourself you like the least...

1. my physical appearance
2. my personality
3. my attention span and concentration
4. My emotions
5. Everything else.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving Day

I spent the day, from about 11am until about 5pm, with my family. We had a turkey dinner and got along well. I ate 3 plates of turkey and corn. I was and am a little disappointed because the one thing I was mainly looking forward to today was the banana pudding. Grandma said she was too tired to make it. So now I have to drive over there again tomorrow. I don't mind going over there but I've got to buy gas again tomorrow and it's so expensive. I LOVE warm banana puddidng though. And its nice to spend time with my family.

I spilt frosted mini wheats all over my floor a little while ago. I cleaned it up as best as I could be the floor still feels grainy. I dont know how to get it clean. I got upset and cut my leg. I'm a clumsy bitch that can't do anything right.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

This week...


Turkey day. I plan to get up as early as possible and go to my mom and grandma's house and eat banana pudding, turkey, and whatever else they have that I like to eat. I wish they were having cheesecake. I love cheesecake. Not as much as I love fresh, warm, homemade banana pudding though. I'll come home that night and get on the computer and follow a list, study, enter sweeps, and chat like I do everynight.


Sleep. Chat, study, and enter sweeps.

The school is closed for Thanksgiving weekend so saturday will be the same to me as friday this week.


Once again it'll be a day of rest, studying, and being online.


Busy day. I've got to leave here by nine am, which means forcing myself out of bed somehow. I have Clubhouse at 9:30am. I have an appointment with my therapist at noon, and an appointment with my psychiatrist at 1pm. After that I have to go to mom's house and hope my new phone is there. If I have time I'll go to the mall and see if they can transfer my contacts to the new phone. Around four pm I HAVE to get to the school and talk to Shirley about my missing assignments and the final project. At seven pm I have psychology class. It's "Christ and crust night". We are learning about Christianity and having pizza.


Living well group. Then home to study, chat, etc.


I have clubhouse and bloodwork in the morning (I have to be there at 9:30am). Then the afternooon will be spent sleeping or on the computer.

And so goes the next 7 days...

Missed clubhouse again, my phone, etc.

I did not get out of bed until some time after two this afternoon. I wrote a check for my car insurance and put a stamp on it and on my juror summons and walked over to the mail box and put them in it and got my mail from the last few days and brought it home. Then I went to the mall. I went to the Verizon store. After a short wait they called my name, looked at my phone and gave me some information to call about the phone insurance because the phone is insured by a third party. I then went to mom's house and asked her to call for me. She did and they charged my debit card like $59. :(
They said I should get my new phone on monday. Then I need to take both phones down to verizon and ask them if they can transfer my contacts to the new phone. I sure hope they can because I never wrote down the phone numbers on paper.
While I was at grandma's today they gave me a couple boxes of cereal to take home. I have to get up earlyish tomorrow and go over there before the pudding is cold/gone. I don't know what time grandma is making it but I'm really looking forward to it. I love homemade banana pudding, with slices of banana and Nilla wafers in it.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

strawberry mini wheats

I'm sitting here eating strawberry frosted mini wheats and following a list. I'm still a little sore from Disneyland.
I'm talking to Nanny.
I m thinking of nuking some cheese and tortillas. I can't seem to figure out what I want to satisfy my hunger. The mini wheats aren't it. The butterscotch pudding wasn't it either. neither were the cheetos. this is why i'm fat. i hate being fat but i hate being hungry.

Livingwell group

Today I made it to the clinic. I got there in time for Livingwell group. We had a check in group today. I talked about how hard of a time I've been having waking up in time. They suggested B vitamins.

After group I went to mom's house since I haven't talked to any of them since sunday because my phone is broken. I talked to Ricardo before I left the clinic. I have to mail in my juror summons in. He got the doctor to sign it for me so I don't have to do jury duty. He said he'd try to help me financially due to the hardship of having to pay $50 for my phone replacement. I got $60 out of the ATM so I can pay cash for my phone when I go tomorrow to Verizon after clubhouse. Then I got to go to mom's house until four pm when I have to go to the school and get help from Shirley on the two labs I missed.

I'm dreading tomorrow.

The day after Disneyland

As I do more days than not, I slept away the day. Yesterday (Sunday) we went to Disneyland (Me, mom, Hannah, Daniel, Dillon, and even Kylee). It was fun. It's so beautiful there at Christmas time. The castle is breathtakingly beautiful. Snow on the roof, a light purplish color, icicle lighting. The firework show is spectacular which I've come to expect from Disney and I haven't been disappointed so far. It was a good dayoverall except that I dropped my phone and broke it. I didn't get blisters this time because I wore expensive walking/running socks I bought for the marathon. Dillon and I stayed until about ten that night but my mom and the twins and Kylee went home right after it got dark.

Today (Monday) was not a good day. I couldn't get myself out of bed yet again. My back and legs and just all over was hurting to bad. I couldn't call the clinic because I broke my phone yesterday. I was supposed to go to clubhouse this morning at 9:30am and then see my therapist at noon. After that I was supposed to go to the mall and have my phone looked at. Then I was supposed to go to the college at 4pm to get help on the two labs I missed for cataloging class and work on them until class started at 7pm. I made it to class today but nothing before that. We learned about cults and had a test tonight. I hate true/false tests. I hate myself for not getting up. I just hurt too bad to function. I still hurt. From the top of my head to the bottom of my feet I hurt. I feel lonely. I feel depressed. I feel anxious. I feel like shit.

I want to die. I want my ashes spread at Disneyland (like that was a possiblity). I want to be buried wearing a mickey hears hat maybe. I want something Disney to be in my casket.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

7 hours and counting down

In seven hours I have to leave for school. I have to keep myself busy for seven hours. I'm watching Whose Line is it anyway. I'm following a new list that consists mostly of entering sweeps. I'm all alone. I suppose I can go into #bus. I want to eat but I don't want to gain weight. Well I guess I better move on cuz i don't know what else to say...

Friday, November 16, 2007

list all the qualities in yourself you like the least

1. my physical appearance
2. my personality
3. my attention span/concentration
4. my emotions
5. everything

raspberry oatmeal

Today I took two naps. I didn't go to sleep this morning until after 5am. I was going to stay up all night so I would be up for clubhouse but I got tired. Tonight I HAVE to stay up and make it to class. I made it to clubhouse today but just barely. Igot my meds for two weeks today. The clinic is closed next thursday and friday for thanksgiving. I slept a while when I got home and then got up and talked to Harmony and dawggy and then took another nap until like a little after seven pm. i ate ramen for dinner and raspberry oatmeal for dessert.

I'm kinda depresssed tonight. I'm worried about catching up in cataloging. I'm so lost in that class. I can't wait til its over. I hope I pass it. ANd

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The dentist, the school, the house, and the store

Today was a busy day. I had a dentist appointment at 1pm. I was a little late because I had a hard time finding it. Now that I know where it is it's like duh! He fixed my cavity and re-cemented my bridge in. They had this fancy dancy x-ray computer machine thingy. Instead of the flat little x-ray films it was a black plastic thing with a cord and the xrays showed up immediately on the computer screen. After he was done he had me make an appointment for a week from thursday to come in and have a deep cleaning.

After the dentist I went to Citrus College and straightened out my registration problem. I am now enrolled and paid up on my four upcoming classes (Speech 101 in the winter and Library 100 and 101 as well as Bio 104 in the spring).

Then with my nose and upper lip still numb I went to mom's house. I brought with me a few things...Loaned Dillon the Jay Leno autobiography which he's apparently doing a school report on...brought Kylee a copy of Darren's cds, and my mom a copy of Tim McGraw's greatest hits volume 2. I was there for a while, drank up some of their soda then went to the store. As a treat I bought mom some chips and dip, some bananas and Kylee an apple. I bought myself a bunch of groceries too. I went to Stater Bros. I dropped my families stuff off then came home.

Talked to Harmony a short while on the phone while I put my groceries away then she went to watch tv and go to bed. Then when I got my perishables put away I called my mom to let her know I got home safe and such. Then I talked to Jerry,

words (Darren Hayes)

Gimme a taste of what's to come
Give me a medicine
Teach me a lesson, maybe I deserve to know
Cut me down to size and paralyze me
With the contents of your pretty little head

Gimme somewhere else to go
Give me one thing
Tell me something I don't really need to know
I am so afraid of breaking what we made
It is delicate and lovely
But it's a weight above me

And your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen to your words

I'd like to step into your world
Show me a secret
I promise to keep it safe and sheltered from the storm
I would cross the great divide that keeps me swimming
Treading water from your shore

Now I wanna coax you from your hell
Into an alley, the hidden valley
Where the truth can surely spill
I wanna take the weight that drags you to the ground
Spare this treasure that I found

But your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen...

There's a lock, someone's stolen the key
They took it away from me
Somewhere that noone can read ya
I see a bible
I see a bible in your eyes
All those codes and hidden meanings
Full of metaphor
and something for the faithless in me

But your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide
And your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen to your words

peppermint tea.

I'm nauseated again tonight. I'm drinking peppermint tea. I took vicodin and soma tonight cuz my head and back were hurting. I then drank three or four cups of green tea. This is my second cup of peppermint tea. I need to buy a container of peppermint candies. They help better than the ttea for me.

It's almost 1am. Today I have to be up by like nooon. I have a dentist appointment in Glendora at 1pm to have my bridge put back in. Then I need to go down to Citrus College and try to get help registering because the class I need I can't register for because I've attempted it before. I need to go by grandma's house too. I got a couple things I need to take them. Then if I'm not too tired I'll go grocery shopping.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

list what you wish whenever you see a shooting star, blow out your birthday candles, or drop a coin in a fountain.

1. Death/the world ending
2. more money
3. heal sick family and friends
4. I could lose weight easily
5. meet Darren Hayes and have him sing to me. *swoon*

its wednesday

It's 1:13am. So it's wednesday. This morning I have to get up early and make it to clubhouse and alse to get my blood drawn. Then I have to get home and do a little bit of last minute straighting up because Ricardo is coming over for a home visit. I'm a little nervious about this. What if my apartment isn't clean enough? What if he snoops around and finds my blades and takes them away and sends me to the hospital? No one from the clinI ic has seen my apartment.

Last night I had trouble sleeping because the acid reflux was so bad to sleep propped up to an almost sitting up position and could feel the acid in my throat. I threw up once last night. I hate throwing up. It leaves a nasty taste in your mouth even if you brush your teeth and makes you feel shitty.

Monday, November 12, 2007

list your typical daydreams

1. being at Disneyworld with my family
2. meeting Sandye and Jerry
3. Having lots of money
4. having a party
5. having a job

this list

1. journal
2. kitchen
3. email
4. bedroom/closet
5. me
6. blog
7. OLS
8. school
9. music
10. classic heartland/blingo/winzy

My nose is running. I just finished eating a bag of "suicide popcorn" which is popcorn with so much butter on it that it's sure to clog your arteriees.

I'm watching Jon and Kate plus 8. I need to go shopping soon. I'm pretty much out of soda, oatmeal, lightbulbs, snacks etc.

flu shot

Today I did not wake up in time for clubhouse, yet again, but thanks to Dawggy I did get up in time for therapy and meds. Ricardo talked to me for a while. All I had to say was "I don't know" to him and to Dr. Bellman. I just couldnt focus enough to come up anything to say. I hate myself. I go to the clinic every week but it doesnt help cuz I dont say the right stuff. I just don't know the answers to their questions and I do not function well in the morning, period. No matter when I go to bed I still am a mess in the morning.

sore on the roof of my mouth

I don't know how it go there but there's a rough, sore spot on the roof of my mouth that is driving me up the wall. It's bery bothersome. O wello. Its not a big deal.

I've got a test a week from today/tomorrow (Its almost 2am right now) in psychology of religion. I've got all 4 books read and marked. It's an open book test. I hope I do okay on it. I plan on looking over the material a little more during the week so I'll be able to find stuff hopefully pretty easy during the test. Hopefully it's not an all true/false test this time. I always second guess myself on every true false.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

slept all day yet again

I was up a little while to talk to Harmony then went to bed again until like 8pm. Then I got up and ate some pizza. I just finished eating my last two strawberry struddles. They were good. I need to make more koolaid. Tomorrow I have to be at the clinic at 9:30am for clubhouse and meds, and then see Dr. Bellman at noon. Then I'm going to moms house because I have an appointment with my family doctor (Dr. Girgis) at 3pm. I do not have class tomorrow. I think it's Veteran's day. Next week we have a test.

list all the promises you keep making to yourself.

1. I won't cut today
2. I will get up when the alarm goes off
3. I will stay up and not go back to sleep
4. I will get to the clinic/school on itme.
5. I will exercise

Saturday, November 10, 2007


I have to get up in about 3.5 hours but I'm not going to bed. I have such a hard time waking up the only way I'm sure to be up and ready for school is to spend all night up, keeping busy, and then sleep away the afternoon. Hopefully I'll be able to get my assignments done as early as possible. It's gonna be a long day cuz I have to talk to the teacher about making up a couple assignments. I really need to pass this class. I can't stand to take it again. I'd have to petition to take it again too. I HATE this class. I can't wait til its over but I wish the psychology of religion class was longer.

I'm so nausious...I knew better than to eat all that pizza especially hwen i'm out of pills. I've been drinking peppermint tea and 7up and ate a peppermint candy.

The Artist's Way

"The heart of creativity is an experience of the mystical union; the heart of the mystical usion is an experience of creativity. Those you speak in speritual terms routinely refer to God as the creator, but seldom see creator as the literal term for artist."

-Julia Cameron

Friday, November 9, 2007

Marcie, Eddie, Danielle, John, and Sergio

My friends came over tonight and we had pizza and sat around and talked. This was the first time any of us met Marcie's boyfriend. He seems really nice and she seems happy. I thought it was sweet how they held hands while we were all talking. We talked about a lot of different things but most of which I knew nothing about cuz it had to do with people from charter oak and what they did after they graduated (football players etc) and I didnt recognize a lot of the names. oh well

It was fun

didnt make it to the clinic AGAIN

I missedevery group this week. and today i was supposed to get my meds and didnt. i'm a total fuckup. I hate myself. i screw everything up. why cant i ever get myself to get out of bed in time?

Thursday, November 8, 2007

watching grey's anatomy

Dawggy just started helping me wth a new list. I finished a few things on the old list and completely rearranged what was left of the list into a new 10 item list instead of the old 15 item list.

1. journal/blog
2. kitchen
3. desk/dresser/floor/bed
4. email
5. me
6. stand like mountain
7. OLS
8. psych final/notebook
9. music
10. classic heartland/blingo/winzy

slept the day away again

I meant to stay up all night so i'd be up this morning in time to go to the DMV but i layed down early this morning with a backache and a headache and went to sleep. I slept most of the day. When I did wake up when my mom called my phone was dying so I plugged it in and went back t o sleep. by the time it was charged it was too late to go today. I"m such a fuck up.

I hate myself

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

sick and tired

I feel like shit. Headache is bad. Throat hurts. Sinuses acting up. Back killing me. Ache all over. I slept on and off all day. I had scrambled eggs for dinner with a little bit of chives in them. Then I ate some life cereal (dry of course). I feel very depressed today. I want to si. I want to die.

In the morning I have to go to the dmv and get a new drivers licence.

slept again

I screwed up again. I think I talked to my mom on the phone this morning but I'm not sure. I fell back asleep and slept til about 1pm. I hate my self. I can't do anything right. I went to bed early last night and I still couldnt wake up. I took my meds a little early too. I'm so tired. all the time. my throat hurts and i ache allover. i want to die.

list all the people you wish you hadn't trusted.

1. my first therapist
2. my second therapist
3. my first psychatrist
4. my online friend barbara
5. everyone

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

keep the faith (Michael Jackson)

If you call out loud
Will it get inside?
Through the heart of your surrender
To your alibis

And you can
Say the words
Like you understand
But the power's in believing
So give yourself a chance

Cuz you can
Climb the highest mountain
Swim the deepest sea-ee

All you need is the will to want it
And a
Little self-esteem

So keep the faith
Don't let nobody turn you round
You got to know when it's good to go
To get your dreams up off the ground

So keep the faith
Baby yeah
Because it's just a matter of time
Before your confidence will win out

Believe in yourself no matter what it's gonna take
You can be a winner but you gotta keep the faith
Gon' keep it brother
You got

And when you think of trust
Does it lead you home?
To a place that you only dream of
When you're all alone

And you can go by feel
'Stead of circumstance
But the power's in believing
So give yourself a chance

I know that you can
Sail across the water
Float across the sky-i
Any road that you take will get you there
If you only try

So keep the faith
Don't let nobody take you down brother
Just keep your eyes on the prize
Feet flat on the ground

So keep the faith
Baby yeah
Because it's just a matter of time
Before your confidence will win out

I told my brother how to do the thing right
Lift up your head and show the world you got pride
Go for what you want
Don't let them get in your way
You can be a winner but you gotta
Keep the faith
Gon' keep it brother
You got

I know that keepin the faith
Means never givin up on love
But the power that love has
Has to make it right
Makes it
Makes it right

So keep the faith
Don't let nobody turn you round brother
You got to know when it's good to go
Get your dreams up off of the ground

So keep the faith
Baby yeah
Because it's just a matter of time
Before your confidence will win out

Better stand up and act like you wanna do it right
Don't play the fool for the rest of your life
Work on it brother and you'll make it someday
Go for what you want and don't forget the faith

Look at yourself and what your doin right now
Stand back a minute just to check yourself out
Straighten up your life and how your livin each day
Get yourself together cuz you gotta keep the faith

Don't let nobody take you down brother
Just keep your eyes on the prize
Your feet flat on the ground

So keep the faith
Baby yeah
Because it's just a matter of time
Before your confidence will win out

Lift up your mind before your mind gets blown
Some things in life you're best just leave them alone
Go for what you want
Don't let it get in your way
You can make it happen but you gotta keep the faith Gon' keep it brother
You got to keep the faith
Yeah keep the faith
Gon' keep it sista
You got to keep the faith

I told my brother how to do the thing right
Lift up your head and show the world you got pride
Go for what you want
Don't let them get in your way
You can be a winner if you keep the faith

Straighten out yourself and get your mind on track
Dust off your butt and get your self-respect back
You've know me long enough to know that I don't play
Take it like you want it but you got to keep the faith

Don't let nobody take you down
Just keep your eyes on the prize
Your feet flat on the ground

So keep the faith
Baby yeah
Because it's just a matter of time
Before your confidence will win out
But till that day
I said you gotta keep the faith

didnt wake up again

Once again I screwed up and didn't geet up. I was supposed to go to the DMV and to living well group. I didnt get up til 3pmish when my next door neighbor knocked on the door asking if I use my shed. He wants to put a lock on the gate.

I woke up feeling like shit. Throat raw. Cough. Snotty nose. Achey all over.

Well I guess I'll try to study so I a least accomplice something even though I effed up again and slept all day. I hate myself.

dropped the eggs

I went to bed around 5am lastnight/last morning/this morning. I got up late. Missed clubhouse but made it to therapy. Had to do 5 year re-evaluation today/yesterday (monday! this time thing is so confusing to me). Then I had to go to Ralph's grocery store to pick up my ibeprofen perscription. Mom asked me to pick up some eggs for her. I did. When I got to the house they fell out of the bag and made a mess on the floor. I'm so stupid I can't even hold a bag right. I played with the twins. Picked up Kylee from schoool. Ate chicken nuggets, corn on the cob (which is difficult with no front teeth), and french fries. Then I went to class. Was a smart ass in class. He talked about evil. Decorated the room with halloween stuff. then he talked about the next test which we'll have week after next. reviewed a bit for this weeks test. then we took the test. next week there is no class cuz it's veterans day.

it's 4am but I'm not ready for bed. I'm getting stuff done, able to focus and don't want to lose the opportunity to get school work done.

I have to go to the dmv by like 9am tomorrow/today so i wont be there all day. I can't find my drivers license that has not expired so I have to go get a new one. then in the afternoon i have livingwell group.

list the animals that really scare you

1. snakes
2. spiders and other bugs
3. lions
4. tigers
5. bears

Oh my!

Risks (unknonw author)

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out is to risk involvement.
To expose feelins is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams bbefore the crowd is to risk their love.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But the greatest hazard in life is to risk n othing.
The one who risks nothing does nothing and has nothing and finally is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrows,
But he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitude, he is slave; he has forfeited freedom.
Only one who risks is free!

Monday, November 5, 2007

list what usually goes through your mind just before you sleep.

1. Prayer for family and friends
2. Fear of someone breaking in
3. The emptiness in my heart
4. I hope I wake up in time
5. I hope I never wake up again

my stupid mouth (john mayer)

My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change

Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one soon

We bit our lips
She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess
with the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly
An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good,
what just slipped out
and what went wrong

Oh, the way she feels
about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one

I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me

Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now

One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

Oh, the way she feels
about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one

I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me

Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now

Sunday, November 4, 2007

list what consistently worries you everyday

1. not having enough money
2. the cause of my headaches
3. the health and safety of my family and friends
4. losing someone I love
5. getting kicked out of my apartment

hot green tea

I've lost count of how many cups of green tea I've had tonight. Probably close to a dozen, each with 2 packets of splenda in them. Some wiwth lemon.

Dawggy, sick as a dog andwith something inhis eye, is helping me keep up with a list. I'm being productive tonight.

It's hot in here. Probably because I've drank so much hot tea and have been moving around a lot tonight.

why you wanna trip on me (M. Jackson)

They Say I'm Different
They Don't Understand
But There's A Bigger Problem
That's Much More In Demand
You Got World Hunger
Not Enough To Eat
So There's Really No Time
To Be Trippin' On Me

You Got School Teachers
Who Don't Wanna Teach
You Got Grown People
Who Can't Write Or Read
You Got Strange Diseases
Ah But There's No Cure
You Got Many Doctors
That Aren't So Sure
So Tell Me

Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Stop Trippin'

We've Got More Problems
Than We'll Ever Need
You Got Gang Violence
And Bloodshed On The Street
You Got Homeless People
With No Food To Eat
With No Clothes On Their Back
And No Shoes For Their Feet

We've Got Drug Addiction
In The Minds Of The Weak
We've Got So Much Corruption
Police Brutality
We've Got Streetwalkers
Walkin' Into Darkness
Tell Me
What Are We Doin'

To Try To Stop This

Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Ooh Stop Trippin'
Yeah Stop Trippin'
Everybody Just Stop Trippin'

Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Stop Trippin'

Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Ooh Stop Trippin'
Yeah Stop Trippin'
Everybody Just Stop Trippin'

Stop Trippin'
Stop Trippin'
Stop Trippin'
Stop Trippin'

List what always makes you laugh

1. Babies gigling
2. Sandye and Jerry teasing each other
3. My mom trying to be funny
4. Marcie's sarcasm
5. Darren Hayes dancing

poor harmony and dawggy

They're sick. pukey sick. I wish i could make them feel better but theres nothing I can do. I miss them. harmony hasn't been on the computeer at all lately. shes been on the couch all the time. she's always sick.

I woke up with a cough and feel cold. but my mood is up a little compared to most days. i'm following a list.

i ate some jello. i made it last night. strawberry-kiwi.

Saturday, November 3, 2007


I don't really have anything to say. I just turned off my TV and turned on music. I'm currently listening to Hero by Darren Hayes. it's 12am and I'm a little hot. I feel very depressed and lonely tonight. I am disappointed in myself for not making it to class. I hate myself. I always have. I probably always will. I cut my stomach today and now I want to cut my legs. I need to bleed. I need to cry crimson.

I feel so hopeless. So empty. So alone. Even when I'm with people, talking to people I still feel lonely and lost and confused. I'm scared. I might fail cataloging and I can't deal with that. I don't know what to do anymore.

Things to do

hallway cabinets
psych notebook
psych final
psych questions
psych study
classic heartland sweeps

depressed, urgy, and lonely

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I hate myself and I want to die. I screw everything up. I am trying so hard not to cut but I just have to do it. It's either cut or OD. cutting has no permanent effects. OD would end it and I can't do that cuz I'd hurt my friends and family.

Everyone is aggravated with me. It's all my fault. I can't do anything right. I can't even make it to class.

Dear Lord,

please take me home. i love you. in Jesus name I pray.


missed class again

I wanna cut so bad. I screwed up again. I wasn't going to go to bed last night so I wouldn't miss class but stupid me layed down and went to sleep this morning. I emailed the teachers and asked if there is sometime this week that I can come in and get help with the lab. I'm so stupid. I hate myself. I can't do anything right.

words (darren hayes)

Gimme a taste of what's to come
Give me a medicine
Teach me a lesson, maybe I deserve to know
Cut me down to size and paralyze me
With the contents of your pretty little head

Gimme somewhere else to go
Give me one thing
Tell me something I don't really need to know
I am so afraid of breaking what we made
It is delicate and lovely
But it's a weight above me

And your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen to your words

I'd like to step into your world
Show me a secret
I promise to keep it safe and sheltered from the storm
I would cross the great divide that keeps me swimming
Treading water from your shore

Now I wanna coax you from your hell
Into an alley, the hidden valley
Where the truth can surely spill
I wanna take the weight that drags you to the ground
Spare this treasure that I found

But your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen...

There's a lock, someone's stolen the key
They took it away from me
Somewhere that noone can read ya
I see a bible
I see a bible in your eyes
All those codes and hidden meanings
Full of metaphor
and something for the faithless in me

But your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide
And your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen to your words


Dawggy is helping me with a list as usual but I'm sure he'll probably go to bed soon. I don't plan on going to bed tonight so I'll be up for school and not sleep through the alarm. then i'll come home from class and go to sleep. i took a shower. i washed clothes (they're in the dryer now) i finished writing the easiest part of my psych of religion final paper (class experience). i had a thin crust red baron pizza and a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich tonight.

list how you feel when you've been lied to.

1. decieved
2. mad
3. sad
4. scared
5. upset

Friday, November 2, 2007

list your favorite talents

1. reading
2. writing essays
3. researching
4. living on my own
5. i know a lot about disneyland and darren hayes

list the situations that always make you cry

1. Whenever I upset someone that I care about
2. Whenever someone is mad at me
3. When I screw up and don't get out of bed in time to get what I need to do/get where i need to be done.
4. when my back hurts so bad that it hurts to preathe
5. When I want to cut and can't.
6. when the inside people chant
7. when I think about the past
8. when I think about the future
9. when I think about money
10. when i get frustrated

List all the things you've made or built by hand.

1. Savage Garden website
2. 3-d puzzle of Cinderlla's castle
3. The kitchen table (with help from my mom)
4. my blog
5. my e2 page

list the places you go in your mind when you want some peace and quiet

1. whereever Darren Hayes is singing
2. a deserted spot at Disneyland
3. my bedroom in my own apartmment
4. high school
5. at my computer


Today I went to subway while i was waiting for my meds at the clinic. i got a foot long turkey and cheese sandwitch and a bag of baked sour cream and onion chips. i was only going to eat half of it and save the rest for dinner but i ate it all. oh well. it was expensive. nine something. i paid my rent.

list the compliments you receive on a regular basis.

1. You look young
2. Your hair is pretty
3. You're spart
4. You're honest
5. You write well

(all lies of course)

List your "Sunday" rituals.

Sunday is my free day. I'm usually exhausted from the week of doing stuff. I sleep most of the day. I eat several times. lately i spend a lot of time crying. i usually cut out of frustration over the studying i attempt to get done on sundays. i spend sundays just like every other day of the week: praying for God to take me home.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

missed an appt and got people mad at me

Jerry called me SEVERAL times this morning and I effed up big time by not getting up when I was supposed to and not only did I make someone I love upset with me but I also have to go 2 more weeks with my bridge and poligrip all day. yuck.

i saw dr. jay today. they are switching me from dr policar to dr jay. I had him a long time ago and never cared much for me. maybe it'll be different this time tho.

i have to go friday (tommorrow/today) for clubhouse and to get my meds. i hate getting up so early. i really suck at it.

i spent the last couple hours with headphones on listing to This Delicate Thing We've Made (Darren Haye's double album he just recently released). that helped me. i still want to cut but not as bad. i cut my stomach a bit earlier.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

list the activities you would do if you weren't so afraid...

1. go for walks alone
1. drive around town
3. bungie jump
4. sleep in complete darkness
5. go out places alone beyond the absolute necessities

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

list all the qualities you love about being human

My therapist gave me a list of journal prompts from a book called List Your Self today. I'm starting with the first one on the list...

List all the qualities you love about being human:

1. Love
2. Being able to go to amusement parks etc.
3. Learning
4. Friendship
5. Internet/computers

Monday, October 29, 2007

slept through the alarm again

I need a new, louder alarm clock. I'm sleeping too deeply. Dr. Bellman called me when I didnt show up for my appointment. We rescheduled for tomorrow after livingwell group. I want to punish myself by cutting somewhere in which the cutting will cause pain (such as my breast or the front of my leg) I want to cut to quiet the inside people who are taunting me. I want to cut to relax.

I went to mom's house to back up my moms files so she can take her computer in to the shop before the warrenty runs out next month. I picked up Kylee and Dillon and went to the grocery store for mom. The twins are sick. Stomach flu. Especially Daniel.

mad season (matchbox twenty)

I feel stupid - but I know it wont last for long
Ive been guessing - I coulda been guessin wrong
You dont know me now
I kinda thought that you should somehow
Does that whole mad season got ya down

I feel stupid but its something that comes and goes
Ive been changin - think its funny how now one knows
We dont talk about - the little things that we do without
When that whole mad season comes around

So why ya gotta stand there
Looking like the answer now
It seems to me - youd come around
I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out - Im lost and Im hopeless
Bleeding and broken - though Ive never spoken
I come undone - in this mad season

I feel stupid - but I think I been catchin on
I feel ugly - but I know I still turn you on
You seem colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
Will that whole mad season knock you down

So are you gonna stand there
Are you gonna help me out
You need to be together now - I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out - Im lost and Im hopeless
Bleeding and broken - though Ive never spoken
I come undone - in this mad season

Now Im cryin - isnt that what you want
Im tryin to live my life on my own
But I wont
At times - I do believe I am strong
So someone tell me why, why, why
Do i, i, I feel stupid
And I came undone
And I came undone

I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out - Im lost and Im hopeless
Bleeding and broken - though Ive never spoken

I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out - Im a child and Im hopeless
Bleeding and broken - though Ive never spoken
I come undone - in this mad season

In this mad season
Theres been a mad season
Been a mad season

Sunday, October 28, 2007

freaked out

Everything is upsetting me tonight. small things. like dawggy teasing me. i freaked out on him and logged off and went to bed and cried and cut and cried some more. I dont know whats wrong with me tonight. i was fine earlier. just all of the sudden i'm a complete and utter MESS. i hate myself. I'm talking to dawggy now and he's helping me with a list so hopefully that'll help me feel better.

Marcie couldn't do it either.

Couldn't do what? Assemble the chairs that came with my kitchen table. We've all decided that they cannot be put together and are going to put them in the shed and eventually buy new chairs (one's that come pre-assembled!). Marcie and I went to churches chicken. I had chicken strips but they were hard to eat cuz my bridge has fallen out again so I had them poligriped in and they were loose eating. As soon as we got back to my apartment I took them out, washed them, and set them on my desk shell so I can find them for tomorrow.

Tommorrow I have to go to clubhouse, see my therapist then either come home or go to my mom's house and find a dentist that can put my bridge back in to stay. Please pray I find a good dentist that can fix my teeth that is covered by my insurance and won't charge me a bundle to somehow fix my front teethlessness permentally.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

LONG day...

I slept between an hour and an hour and a half this morning. I then got up at 6:45am and got to school by 7:45am. I've had a migrane since yesterday. I fell asleep briefly in class and drooled all over my notebook. The quiz was done in groups and my group members did the work so that was easy. We then practiced what we had to do in lab. Then we did lab. Some people worked in two's but I'm an oddball out and no one talks to me except occasionallly Yvette, but she usually dont pay much attention to me either. The lab was looking up stuff on the computer on a certain site. Then came the OCLC project. The OCLC project supposedly only needed an hour to finish. I was there til almost 5pm!!!!! And that was with the teacher helping me and even doing part of it for me.

I stopped by Grandma's house on the way home to pee. I got my chairs to my kitchen table. All this time no one has been able to put together. Hopefully Marcie can help me figure it out. If not, oh well. Thres not much room for them anyways.

My bridge fell out today while I was working on the OCLC project. I glued them back in. I had been eating caramels but has tried my best not to let them touch my front teeth. On monday I need to call a dentist. I have to go to the clinicin the morning but i dont have class this monday night.

I'm tired but not sleepy. In less than an hour i'll cook some mac and cheese or something. until then i dont know what i'll do.

another song

Time's rollin' forward
I'm gettin' bored
Layin' on my back
I'm loozin' track
Shifting patterns
And nothin' matters
'Cause there's no one here
And I've lost my fear
Well I've got no place left to hide
I'm running out of time
Moving slowly
The walls are closing
In on me
I can not see
Appearing fine, well
That's all a lie
'Cause I am not alright
Extinct inside
I'm runnin' out of time
My mother says I'm fine
A teenage suicide
No place to hide
Well I've got no place left to hide
No place to hide
I'm runnin' out of time
No place to hide
Ya, I've got no place left to hide
No place to hide
A teenage suicide

I Think I Lost Something (Finch)

I think I lost something you gave to me
But I don't remember what it was
There's an empty spot that could be filled
And I can't seem to fill it

If you tell me what I'm looking for
I'll look closer than I did before
And I'll try harder than I did before
To make the picture complete

Describe its shape and size to me
Was it something I carried around?
Was it like a book or radio?
Or was it alive and breathing?

I don't want to look like I'm foolish
But I don't want to care, either
I might be a little misguided
But I know something's gone

I wish that I could take away
This gnawing sense of loss
Boundless freedom can't erase
This trap I've drawn around me

I worry over nothing
And ignore what's really important
I know I'm a little excited
But that's just what I mean

ego (Darren Hayes)

I have been contemplating
Letting go of you ego
Thought I'd let you know
You're getting old

It was so irritating saving face
When I fell from grace
Thought you'd won a race
Without a trace

But you stayed
But you remained
But you..
It's always about you

I have been quietly edging away
To keep the flames at bay
Make this puppy stay
To limit my use of personal
Pro-nouns are the death of me
See I just said me
You're an endless see

The vanity is all for you babe
For you babe
For you..
It's always about you

I have been silently taking offense
And at great expense
As my feeling dent
I'm licking my scratches

It serves no purpose
Doesn't gratify
And you're dissatisfied
And though you're belly's full

There's always more room for you babe
For you babe
For you..
It's always about you

Friday, October 26, 2007

bumper to bumper

I bumped this guys car on the way home from the clinic.. Just barely bumped him. Not even a scratch on either car. He got out and was a total ass and said I gave him whiplash and hurt his back. he took down my info. then he got back in his car and got on the phone. i cried all the way home. called mom and cried a bunch more. talked to sandye and jerry. cried. cut. cried a bit more. calmed down. had redbaron pizzas for dinner. now i'm doing a list and have music blasting and singing at the top of my lungs to drown out the noise of my head.

Sunday, October 14, 2007


I keep dry heaving tonight. it's miserable. my stomach hurts. i have a headache. my back hurts. the ibeprofen doesn't help. i feel like shit. i got all my school work thats due this week done tho and a couple little thingss that need to be done by later in the semester for psychology of religion. i wish i had some lortab and some phenegren.

who reads this?

I wonder sometimes who actually reads my little blog here? I know Marcie, Dawggy, and sometimes Harmony reads it. I know at least one other person has read it. If you read this will you please leave a comment or let me know somehow that you're reading my life story? Thanks.



Saturday, October 13, 2007

bored in class

amI'm sitting in cataloging class. she forgot to pu:t the notes on blackboard so i dont have notes to look at and i can't read the powerpoint presentation on the screen from here. it's a blur. i'm freezing. my hands hurt. i'm tired. i have a headache. i'm anxious. i'm depressed. i want to go home. its 9:17am right now. the lecture ends about ten am then we have lab which looks like a pain in the butt today. after class today i gotta go to moms to get some milk, cheese, eggs, and maybe juice. next week after lab i have to stay and do the OCLC project with shirley which is worth like 50 points. yuck. who kknows what time i'll get home that day. well i guess i'll go back to pretending i can see the screen again...

Friday, October 12, 2007


i started clozaril today. 12.5 mg twice a day. it knocked me out. i have a headache and a tummy ache. i had my last tv dinner tonight. i need to go to the grocery store within the next few days. i paid my traffic ticket today and found an online traffic school that cost $19. it's a comedy one. it was on the list the court gave me. i'm following a list and talking to marcie. its gonna be really hard to go to school tomorrw cuz i gotta get up at 630am.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

stayed in bed til 6pm which point i fell in the floor. I feel like shit. runny nose, aches and pains including headache.

i had ramen for dinner. i'm following a list. Dawggy is helping me again. Poor harmony and him have the flu. sanny has it BAD. I didnt get to talk to her today. dawggy has a eye doc appt tomorrow. it's about time. he needs them.

tomorrow i gotta go to the clinic. i start clozaril tomorrow night. i'm dreading that. i gotta get up at 6:30am the following morning for class. i have a feeling thats gonna be extra hard.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

the vampire got it on the first stick

I don't know the proper name for people who take blood but the woman who took my blood today for a CBC got me on the first stick and got the blood quickly. I went to clubhouse and got meds for today and tomorrow. I have to go back friday to get the rest of the meds and start Clozaril. I'm dreading it. I'm dreading getting up in the morning. I'm dreading driving to the clinic. I'm dreading doing whatever stupid stuff they do on fridays. I really dread starting Clozaril. And then the next morning I have to get up and leave here at like 7:15am to get to class early enough not to get a computer. I need to do the dishes. I need to finish the chapter of Psychology & Religion: 8 points of view. I do not like that book at all. I've got to finish my cataloging assignment. I hate that class. I hate the assignment. I gotta finish taking notes from the taped psychology lecture.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

eating popcorn

I'm sitting here doing a list and eating garlic popcorn. I went to livingwell group today. Several new people. Stephanie from high school is in the group now. I told her me her and Marcie should get together some time.

I had lasagna mozzerella for dinner. oatmeal after that. and now pocorn. thats everything i ate today.

i've got a lot of school work still to do by saturday/monday. its so hard to concentrate. i have to go to the clinic tomorrow for bloodwork, meds, and clubhouse. friday i am supposed to start clozaril.

Monday, October 8, 2007

I think I may have CDO...

It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical
order like it should be.

But anyways, I'm urgy. I want to bleed. I'm almost done with one of the chapters I have to read for psychology of religion. (Stand like mountain, flow like water). The other two books still have quite a bit left of the chapters to read and one of the books is boring and over my head so it's hard to read.

I'm considering giving my new therapist the url for my blog when I see her in the morning or at least eventually. I gave it to Dr. Dimeo but I don't know if he ever looked at it. I don't care either way. I'll prolly give it to Natalie eventually. I think it'll help me communicate with them cuz I communicate much better through text than I do verbally.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

slept til 5pm

I went to bed at like 4 or 5am and didnt wake up til 5pm and would have slept longer than that if Harmony and Dawggy hadn't of insisted I "get yo azz outta bed". For dinner i had a weight watcher brand chicken parmasagn tv dinner. for dessert i had "suicide popcorn" which is popcorn dipped in melted butter (like almost 1/2 a cup of butter before I melted it. maybe a little less). it was a lot of butter with some garlic in it. We called it suicide popcorn cuz all that butter will clog your arteries and give you a heart attack. I've been following a list. I have a headache. Poor Harmony is physically sick and depressed. I talked to her on the phone while Dawggy went and bought her some meds and she cried pretty much the whole time. I hate when she don't feel well. She's like my sister.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

took a test today

This mornings class was shorter than usual. There was no lecture. We had a test then a short lab. I'm not sure how I did on the test. I hope I'm a good guesser. I'm pretty sure I got most of the vocab part right but its the darn MARC codes that get me. Most of the test was on MARC and remembering the exact way to do ISBD. I'm not very good at that either.

I came home talked to harmony a bit then fell asleep and slept til about 5:30pm. talked to harmony and dawggy. ate shells and cheese for dinner. now doing a list with dawggy's help. (thank you dawggy)

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

everything and everywhere

everyting i say upsets her and now i'm not even allowed to talk to her without his permission. i've been crying and cutting a lot. she even called to tell me goodbye. she said when we'd talk on the phone while she was in the hospital i wouldnt even talk to her. i tried but everytime i did she had to hang up for some reason or another. i want to die. i want to cut deeper. i want to take every pill i can find. i got blood everywhere. my clothes my sheets even my pillowcase. i want to cut more. i want to watch the blood drip down my leg. i cut and i cut but it wouldnt drip so i just want to cut more. i still cant stop crying.

can't make sense

i want to cut so bad. i have so much reading and studying to do for school but i can't get any of tthe material to make any sense in my head so there is no point in trying to read the textbooks and handout right now because i just read the same part over and over and have no idea what i just read. if i could just get the control back...

cutting sometimes helps that

or maybe i'll just get back in bed

or cut and go to bed

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Harmony's home!

She got home this evening. I talked with her online for a little while along with Dawggy and someone who works for the hospital. I'm so glad she's home and feeling so much better.

I feel exhausted. I'm trying to follow my list but I am just so tired. I slept til like 3pm and passed out last night at I dont know what time but it was early. I keep getting back in bed. I just want to lay there and do nothing but I have so much school work to get done. I can't focus.

Monday, October 1, 2007


I picked at a cut on my breast and got a big spot of blood on my pajama shirt. I'll try to bleach it out along with the my nice shirt. I washed the spot with hand sanitizer which grandma read keeps stains from setting in. I hate myself. I'm stupid and I want to die.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Marcie came over today

It'd been quite some time since I'd seen her. She came over around 2:30pm and we talked and played Candyland (yes the game for 3-6 year olds). I won 2 out of 3 times. hehe. Then we played Homer Simpson Operation. That was hard and frustrating at times but fun. I won that game too. Then we went to CoffeeBean &Tea Leaf. I had a blueberry pomegranate ice blended drink. It was good. Marcie had a chai tea of some sort. We talked about her first date with her new boyfriend who she says they're "just friends" but the two kisses he gave her and she kissed back say that they are a bit more than friends. He's older than her but we don't see a major problem with that.

Saturday, September 29, 2007


thats all i want to do. i slept for about 4.5 hours this afternoon after class and would have slept longer if Dawggy hadn't called me and told me to get my lazy ass out of bed. i'm trying to follow a list now with Dawggy's help. I just want to give up on school and cleaning my apartment and go to bed and watch tv or listen to music til i fall back asleep. i sleep with the light on almost always. grandma always hated that but now i pay my own electricity bill so i can keep my lights on whenever i want to. marcie and i are going to get together tomorrow and do something tomorrow. prolly play games.

Friday, September 28, 2007

my soundtrack (first try)

This is sorta the soundtrack of my life. There's songs I wish could be on it but couldn't find them on the website.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Best shirt....stupidity

I didn't go to clubhouse this morning cuz I just couldn't get myself out of bed. I suck. I was getting dressed to go get my meds this afternoon and I cut my leg. I bent over and got blood on my best shirt, the shirt I wear when I'm "dressed up" a bit. The white one with the pretty 3/4 sleeves. I tried to cllean it up but i dont know how to get the blood out. then i cried and then i cried crimson a little more. then i went to grandmas. ate a donut. played with the twins and the dogs a bit. grandma gave me some milk, another doughnut, an orange, and 2 bananas to bring home. i'm crying again (crystal not crimson but i want to cry crimson tears) i wish i could just die but thatd hurt my family and my friends and i dont want to hurt anybody anymore than i already have. i know people care about me and love me. i just some times wish no one did so i could end it all and no one would get hurt.

i try to study. i cry and i sleep and i cut and i eat. i sleep. i cry. i sleep. i cut. i try to study. i sleep.... i don't get much done.


Tuesday, September 25, 2007


i got upset by something someone said to me on IM. very upset. cut. talked to my friends in depressionchat. cried hard long time. cut more. talked to tara on the phone. calmed down mostly. still want to cut more. made oatmeal. milk was soured. now i feel like throwing up. called mom. hannah's still awaake. shes got school in the mornning. i want to die. i'm gonna loseoneof my best friends cuz i'm stupid and dont know how to keep mmy mouth shut. i want to die. why wont Godtake me?

Harmony's in the hospital again

Harmony went back into the hospital yesterday morning after cutting herself. I feel like it's my fault. I should have been there for her more. I should have been more careful what I've said to her over the past few months and weeks. I knew and know she was having a hard time but so am I.

I've been cutting pretty much everyday, sometimes more than once a day. My pdoc made me show her my legs and asked why my legs say "BITCH" and "DIE". I HATE showing her my cuts as much as I hate cataloging class. It makes me want to cut more but not tell anyone about it and not let anyone see it. I hate trying to explain why I did it. Then the doctor called in the case manager covering for Grace since Grace quit for a job closer to home (I miss her but I don't blame her. I'm happy she found herself another good job closer to home.) He had his supervisor called in. Dr. Policar (my pdoc) wants to transfer me to another doctor. Dr. Patel (case manager's superviser) said I should see my tdoc (Dr. Dimeo who I like but won't be seeing long cuz they are transfering me to the new therapist they just hired), more often. I don't know how to feel about that.

I had the first test in psychology of religion. It was 35 multiple choice and true false questions, open book. It was so confusing. I didn't look most of the questions up cuz the questions didn't make any sense to me so I didn't know what to look up. I hope I'm a good guesser. I felt like crying. I went home and SI'd.

Today I went to the court about my speeding ticket. $198. Plus traffic school so my record stays clean. Fortunately I got a financial aid check today from Citrus so I'll be able to pay it. They gave me a 2 month extension to pay the ticket cuz I told them I didn't have the money. Now I gotta worry about Section 8 saying I lied about my financial aid cuz at the time I filled out the re-examination packet a few days ago I didnt know I was getting a check. I don't know what to do about it.

After court I went back to bed for several hours. Dawggy called me twice to get me out of bed cuz I asked him to wake me up if I didnt get up in a couple of hours. All I ever want to do is lay in bed and mostly sleep. The only reason I get out of bed is cuz I have school and the stupid clinic to go to and homework to do. I really struggle with school work. The concentration just ain't there and the work confuses the hell out of me.

Well I better go do some homework now...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


that word is now sloppily lightly carved into my lower leg. why? i don't know. i cut to relax so i could lay still and get to sleep. i didnt know i was going to carve. david decided that. i've got the hiccups. my alarm is set for seven. its like three-thirty now. i need to go to sleep but i cant get comfortable. i bled pretty. got blood on the floor tho. i cleaned that up.

/me goes back to bed again

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I HATE cataloging!

I'm so lost. I hate the book. It's falling apart everytime I change the page. I hate the time of the class (8am-who knows when every damned saturday). I don't understand the assignments. I emailed the teacher asking for help. She emailed me back telling me to look at the book. I DID LOOK AT THE BOOK! I've already SI'd twice today. I want to cut again. I want to bleed pretty again. I want to cry crimson and stop the crystal tears that keep coming unexpectedly. I just wish I could die and not have to worry about the future. I hate thinking about the future. I can't do it without getting upset. I can't think about the past either without getting upset.

She's "Gotta go"...

...I've "gotta si".
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
I didnt mean to upset her. I typed without thinking. she asked me "Do you want to live the rest of your life in your bed like Grama?" and I answered "no i dont want to live the rest of my life at all". Stupid stupid me.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

die bitch die...thats what i hear

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketPlease forgive me Harmony!? I LOVE YOU!

Sunday, September 2, 2007

another night in moms room

Today, well officially yesterday since it's like 2:23AM, I slept on the couch til like nine am from like 4:30am or so then got in moms bed for a couple hours. Took Kylee to turn in her cans and the guy went to lunch when we got there and was a jerk to kylee and turned the machine off so she couldnt even do that.I loaned her $10 so she could get something to eat cuz she was spending the day with Tricia (her gf) and another friend. She didnt spend the money and gave it back to me when she got home but i'm not sure where I put it.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

My back is hurting bad tonight.

After taking kylee to her gf's house i went home. sat in front of the ac a while then went and paid my rent. she gave me a honeydew. me and mom finished it off already. it was good. after paying my rent i went home and took a shower and attempted to take a nap but couldnt get to sleep. so i packed and came over here to moms. i took an hour and a half nap on kylees bed then got up and read a little. we had little ceaser pizza (which was icky) and crazy bread (which was good). i got on the computer about midnight. i made dawggy mad at me. i confessed i bought blades the other day and he got mad and refused to talk to me. he wouldnt accknowledge the fact that i was making efforts not to use them. like comiing over here. like calling my mom when i felt like cutting. I"M TRYING DAMNIT!

DARREN HAYES LYRICS"How To Build A Time Machine"

If I have understood correctly
Velocity equals the distance traveled
Divided by time
I've read every word ever printed
On quantum physics
And now it is time to try
I read your book, I found your notes
I dusted this thing off and turned on
The key
The rumbling motors
The buzzing incredible gadgets
The hissing electricity
And now the moment has come
I'm traveling back in time

They're running down the hall
I've started the countdown
They want me to stop
But I don't think so
I'm ready to go
Let's get the job done

Beyond the paradoxical
All the lights are dazzling
Pass the planes, and trains, and satellite navigation
Pass the time I spent today
Through the nearest wormhole
In a stunning ball
Of white
The light explodes and lands on you

And you're five
Always running away
And I was dying to kiss you
And I
I don't want to cry
I don't want to see
Where the moving van takes you
So I travel on
Beyond the stars
At one hundred and eighty-six thousand miles per second
I can fly
Forward a few years
To nineteen hundred and seventy nine
I caught a glimpse of the sky

They're coming down the road
They're coming to get me
I never should have come
I hide the time machine
I'm running down the hall
I think I'm in my old house

Pass the place where I grew up
Number nine Lake Road
Pass the swimming pool
And Mable park
And past Troy Clifford's house
To the Argonaut (?)
To the fish and chip shop
Out the back and down the road
To the place I got beat up

Hey, put that rock down
Can't you see he's half your size?
Hey, he looks familiar
Oh my god, he's me, age nine

Put your shoes on
And run away from here
I can't get involved
This is all so weird
I'm meeting myself
This is all so clear

All the things I've lost
All the people I've hurt
All the times I lied
All the moments wasted
All I never did
All the dreams I had
All the things I would change
I can change them

All the things I've lost
All the people I've hurt
All the times I lied
All the moments wasted

I'm gonna make right
What I did wrong
And change how the future has come
Through appliance of science
I'll take a hold of my enemies
Take their obscenities
Kiss them, and leave them like lovers who've gone
I'll call my dad
I'll tell him I miss him
And tell my reflection: 'it's not your fault'
And now the moment has come
I'm traveling back in time

They're running down the hall
I've started the countdown
They want me to stop
But I don't think so
I'm ready to go
Let's get the job done

Put your shoes on and
Run away from here
I can't get involved
This is all so weird (It's me aged nine)
Let's get the job done

All the things I've lost
All the people I've hurt
All the times I lied
All the moments wasted
All I never did
All the dreams I had
All the things I would change
I can change them

Beyond the paradoxical
All the lights are dazzling
Pass the planes, and trains, and satellite navigation
Pass the time I spent today
Through the nearest wormhole
In a stunning ball
Of white
The light explodes into another moment

Saturday, September 1, 2007

computer in the shop again

it hasn't been working very well since i spilled soda on it. so i took it in friday afternoon. hopefully i'll hear something today, saturday. its almost 4am now and i have a headache. i'll prolly go to bed before too long.

i bought new blades today. they aren't sharp enough tho. thats what i get for buying the cheap ones. i only used one a little bit. called mom several times trying to stay occupied and eventually was told to just come over. sergio and brianna came over last nigt and gave me a bunch of stuff as a housewarming present. thursday mom took me to the clinic to talk to grace then came over and cleaned my kitchen and bathrroom. marcie came over and gave me some school supplies including a digital recorder to record my lectures at school.

i feel so depressed. i dont know what i'm going to do if i have to get a new computer. i have no extra money.

well theres only one song left on this cd then i'm gonnna head to the couch. hopefully i'll blog again soon....ttfn

sing to me

Lyrics provided by LyricsMode

Sunday, August 19, 2007

been a while

Its been a loooooong time since I have journalled or blogged. I haven't been doing very well. I've been physically sick and mentally a mess.

I think I either have some sort of acid reflux or ulcer or something going on. I sometimes throw up but I often dry heave. I often can taste acid in the back of my throat. Especially at night. Nauesa most of the time. I'm miserable all the time. I feel like shit.

Mentally I'm not doing too well either. I've been very depressed and the inside people have been loud and I've been seeing and feeling bugs a lot.


Blog Archive