Wednesday, January 9, 2008

CEC and more


That's me and my mom at Chuck E. Cheese yesterday. I was laughing at my mom and at Hannah doing everything she could to mess up every picture. She'd run up and cover the camera lense right before the pic was taken. So we'd try to hold her back and she'd do everything she could to mess up the picture, trying to get away, lifting her leg way up to block the lens with her foot, etc.

I was supposed to go go the clinic today but instead I stayed in bed until after 4pm. I'm so stupid. I didn't get my stupid pills. I didn't go to IOP. I missed my therapy appointment AGAIN. I never do anything right. I cut again a little while ago. My therapist must think I'm avoiding her. I'm not. I just can't get myself out of bed. I haven't even been doing much online lately. I get cold, I get frustrated, I get bored with what I'm doing, I get lonely, or whatever, it doesn't really matter...I just go get in bed. That and cutting is my answer to everything now. And once I'm in bed I stay there for hours and hours and hours. Often from like midnight until like five pm. I don't do anything anymore. I just don't want to. I just want to die.

When asked I say I'm "ok" or at least "ok i guess". I laugh and smile while the inside people chant "die bitch die" or tell me i'm a "fucking loser" or sometimes laugh at me. Elly isn't mean, Helen isn't mean. They're just kids. They uusally just do kid things. laugh and play and be silly. lately they cry a lot. the other inside people scare them. i like some of the inside people like elly and helen but some of them like david are really mean and scary.

I'm there for my friends. I care about and love my friends. I worry about Marcie sometimes. Today I called to check on her and ask her if she or her boyfriend knows how to hook up dvd players and Wii's, but mainly to see how she's doing. Tonight an online friend came into #depressionchat and she was feeling really really bad. suicidal. i gave her all the lies and a few truths she needed to hear to make it through the night. things will get better. people love you and would be hurt if you died (true!). things can't get worse. i care about you (true). Etc. Etc. I'm almost always able to be there for everyone else. I listen. I tell them I understand. I respond to what they say. I agree with them or as gently as possible I tell them why I don't agree with them. I try to give them feedback. Mostly I just keep them company and let them know I'm listening. Nanny says I should major in psychology and help agoraphobics online or something.

Ok, well, I'm done rambling for the moment. I have less than a week before they come inspect my apartment and it's in no shape to have people look at it. I need to try to make progress on it before I go back into hiding.



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