Saturday, August 22, 2009

New Computer etc etc

This was written several days or more ago but never got around to posting...

Okay so I’ve got a brand new Toshiba Satellite laptop. My mom managed to come up with the money and bought it for me. I have such a great mom. Always making sacrifices and finding ways to get everyone everything they need and want. I hope she knows how much I love her and appreciate all she does for not just me but for the whole family. I plan to figure some way to show her how much I appreciate all she does soon. Not sure how just yet.
I am currently taking Cymbalta and will move up to 60mg dose soon. I already have the bottle of them but have a few days left of taking 40mg I think. I don’t know what is and is not due to medication but I have felt very crappy lately. I am exhausted all the time. All I want to do is just lay down and close my eyes forever. My mouth is always so dry. I just cannot get enough to drink. I hate it. My vision has been kinda screwy lately. I often find myself closing one eye and squinting the other to make out what is in front of me. I keep getting kinda dizzy and just icky feeling. I have spent more and more time lately wishing and praying for death and/or the end of the world. That was the worst when I had no computer. The old one will no longer even turn on and had been harder and harder to use for a long time due to endless problems with it. Some were hardware issues, some software, all annoying and frustrating. I was so alone and empty. I tried sticking to a list each day full of reading and cleaning but it was hard to stay focused. At least I have Direct TV with DVR which means there is always something on tv to watch. It dawned on me today that I watch way too much tv that regularly includes the line “I’m sorry for your loss” but whatever. I don’t like most reality shows so besides that theres a large amount of crime and medical dramas on. I watch the different Law and Order shows a lot and Crossing Jordan (which takes place mostly in a morgue). I also watch Monk and Cold Case and Touched By An Angel which all end up using that line fairly often and of course shows that take place in a hospital cannot avoid death and loss of physical abilities here and there. The only reality tv shows I really watch are a few on the learning channel or whatever like Jon and Kate Plus 8 and The Little Couple. I watch any Star Trek shows that come on. The only talk show I watch is Ellen though when Jay Leno starts his new show in the fall I’ll watch that too.
I don’t like Windows Vista but will get a free upgrade to windows 7 when it’s released which I’ve heard will be late October. Unfortunately MS Agent will not work properly for me in Vista and will not be supported anymore so won’t be any good when I upgrade either. Without irc being read aloud to me I can’t seem to keep up or make sense of it at all anymore. It’s so frustrating. Chat is my primary comunitcation nowadays since my irl friends have no time for me and my family get so bored with me. So this leaves me still feeling alone and lost. I’ve searched for another program that can do the same thing but can’t find anything. NaturalReader was suggested and I tried it but it only works when you highlight a section of text and push the play button. I need something that will automatically read mirc to me. MS Agent was nice because it even took out the crap like the symbols around the nicks such as ops and the “greater than” and “less than” that makes it easier to understand.
It’s been so hot lately. In the nineties every day. I try to use my air conditioner as little as possible because the electricity bill goes up so much when I used it. I do use it a few times a week though. Lately I’ve been sleeping more and more. Last couple days it was close to ten pm before I actually got up. On Tuesday morning I self-injured. Not sure when the previous time was, probably just before getting the new computer but I cannot keep track.
I went grocery shopping on Sunday at Ralphs. Bought a lot of drinks: flavored waters, soda, juice, powdered drink mixes, and milk. I bought a few snacks and a few frozen meals and spent a total of about $160 or so. I of course visited with my family while I was out, both before and then briefly afterwards when I picked up some ice and peanut butter from them. I had been woke up earlier that day by a phone call from JohnJohn asking if I wanted their old tv. I told him that my grandma could really use a better tv and then talked to grandma about it on the phone. After getting home with my groceries I called JohnJohn and he was at Wal-mart with his mom and said he’d call me back when they got home. I got my groceries scanned for Nielson HomeScan and all the perishables put away and then laid down on the couch with the air conditioner on and watched a bit of tv and cooled off and before long I heard from John again. Sergio was going to be at his house within an hour and they’d bring the tv to grandma’s house and I would meet them at grandma’s. So I got myself ready and headed back over there. He called when they were leaving his house and a few minutes later JohnJohn, Danielle, Goofio, Brianna and Brianna’s daughter Bella arrived in John’s family pickup truck with the tv in the back as well as the stand. We all stood around out in the driveway talking a while including my mom and Kylee and Dillon and then finally they got the tv into the livingroom and hooked up. It works good. Bella got a big kick out of Hannah’s “gotta go” doll with it’s potty. It was around 9pm I think when they left and I went home. I was totally exhausted.