brides maid and about to upgrade my computer

I'm just going through the motions. I know nothing I do or don't do wont be

good enough for this world. I'll never be able to function properly for the

way the world works. I'm a loser and always have been and always will be. I

don't ever have the energy to even truly try.




On sunday the 21st Marcie came over and then goofio, his sister natalie,

brianna and bella picked us up and we met john and danielle at sonic. the food

there is not nearly as good as we hoped it would be. john and danielle and

marcie then came back to my place. marcie had to be home by dinner time but

john and danielle stayed until like close to midnight. danielle asked me to be

a brides maid. we looked online at wedding stuff and went to starbucks and

then to a little grocery store i'll never go in again. i bought cough syrup

and cough drops. the store smelled like cats and was dirty and had expired

products.

within the next day or two i plan to upgrade to windows 7. hopefully that wont

be too hard and i'll be back onlne within a few hours. i have no one i can

call for help with this kind of thing tho so i'm scared. i'm almost done

saving everything i want off this computer.

been too long....random snippets

2010 - New Year but same shit.




It's been a long time since I've posted a blog. I guess mostly I have been avoiding trying to form words from the mess of thoughts and feelings that overwhelm my brain.

Christmas came and went. I got a lot of stuff but the one thing I really wanted was an external hard drive which I did not get.






Big Bear trip came and went.


I went up to Big Bear with Danielle, John, Jolie, Eddie, Sergio, Brianna and Bella for the weekend. John and Eddie picked me up around 11am on friday February 5. The three of us went to Taco Bell/Pizza Hut before going to their house. Danielle was meeting us at John's house and we then had to pack the car before John picked his sister up from work and we piled into the car for the long drive. The car was very full. It was snowing and raining most of the trip up there.



It's been so long since I've written that theres just too much to say and I'll never get it said.

Yesterday was valentines. Mom stopped by on her way to work before dawn with a box of chocolate covered cherries and on her way home with 2 cantalopes and 3 bananas. Danielle messaged me on yahoo around a quarter to midnight.

Danielle (2/14/2010 11:46:05 PM): guess what i got engaged
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:46:09 PM): how was your valentines
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:46:12 PM): seriously???!!!!
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:46:19 PM): he finally did it
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:46:21 PM): CONGRATS!!!!
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:46:28 PM): thanks i am excited


When I asked how he proposed her answer made me laugh.
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:47:04 PM): how did he propose?
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:47:06 PM): and the one time he actually listened to me he got exactly what i wanted
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:47:17 PM): in john fashion
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:47:33 PM): lol
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:48:04 PM): we went to starbucks drive through then he parked the car to give me my valentines card and gift the ring was the gift in the bag
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:48:25 PM): ah hehe
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:48:29 PM): first he did tell me to picture a beach in front of me
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:48:54 PM): how did your mom react?
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:49:07 PM): my mom already knew



Danielle (2/14/2010 11:51:01 PM): I know everyone is asking when the wedding is going to be where we going to live etc. I tell them not to rush john still has the figure of the ring in is head and how he going to pay that lets not scare him off
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:51:19 PM): lol
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:51:41 PM): yeah its enough that he proposed. one step at a time. at least you guys are taking steps now
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:51:53 PM): thank you it has been long time coming specially after big bear when we talked he said he thought i was going to break up with him
Jennelle (2/14/2010 11:52:01 PM): you were at a stand still for so long
Danielle (2/14/2010 11:52:26 PM): now kidding i felt like my feet were in cement

Christmas is coming

It's almost Christmas. It's snuck up but now I just want it to be over with. It still hurts when I think about the fact that I wasn't even invited to decorate the tree with my family. I had been looking forward to that. I went to target and dollar tree today and I guess I'm done shopping now even though there is much much more I wish I could buy for my family and friends.

I've had to sign a lot of papers lately. Between housing authority and the mental health clinic I'm being transferred to. I'm waiting to see if the person named Cliff who runs the groups I'm supposed to start gonig to is going to return my call. They want me to start going to two groups on wednesday mornings from 10-11 and 11-12. I have never gotten much of anything out of stuff that early in the day.

I still haven't made a medical doctor appointment. I keep finding ways to put if off still. It probably wont be until the new year when I am able to face a doctor.

I finally have started wrapping presents. My neighbor on the other side of the brick wall stopped by with a bag of homemade cookies covered in cinnamon sugar and a little box of three kids of lip gloss in a box that has a mirror built in.

I am on my period but went shopping two days in a row anyways. Dollar Tree, Target, Kohls, and Walmart. I found the chocolate oranges we couldn't find anywhere last year. I also bought a few boxes of chocolate covered cherries for neighbors and anyone else who gives me a gift.

trying

It's been a long time since I posted a blog hasn't it? I haven't really been able to put things into words lately. My brain does not work.

I'm tired all the time. I ache all over all the time. I'm itchy all the time. I'm just plain miserable. I'm always thirsty. I'm often nausious. I want someone to just sit and hold me. I have no one who would ever do that though and it hurts to be touched anyways.



I feel very unwelcomed. My mom especially makes me feel unwanted. She never wants me around. Doesn't want me to contaminate their home. She don't want me to sit on their new couch or go anywhere near her bed. It hurt my feelings a lot when she didn't even let me know they were decorating the Christmas tree. I found out when I showed up over there to pick up Dillon to take him to practice driving and everything was done. That was always one of my favorite things growing up. We'd get a bunch of special snacks and as a family we would put together and decorate the Christmas tree. It feels like they are trying to make me not part of the family at all. They call me only when I have to take the kids to school.


I know I need to make a doctors appointment. I'm not sure why I haven't exactly. I always have an excuse to put it off. I'm dreading going to the doctors again because it always seems to futile and I end up feeling even more hopeless.

not functioning very well

Been not really functioning lately. Feel like shit all the time. Have been leaning on my friends way too much and am so scared they'll get sick of me and go away forever. That is how life works after all.

I hurt all over all the time. And itch. I feel like a big acheing bruise. And so tired. Never have any energy at all. I just want to die.

My mom and grandma are constantly nagging me about coloring my hair but they just do not understand how bad the migraines are the damn dye causes and according to them the natural ones everyone else said to try aren't good enough. Nothing is good enough.

Danielle and JohnJohn have gone waaaaaaay above and beyond anything I deserve and been there for me a LOT. I need to pull away from them before its too late.


Almost got to go to Disneyland on friday but grandma decided we couldn't. It's frustrating and depressing.

Everything is frustrating, depressing and hopeless.

a very shitty day it took me weeks to post about

I'm acheing. I'm itchy. I'm thirsty. I'm tired. My head hurts.


I went with mom and the twins trick or treating around Glendora.

Afterwards the plan was to go to karaoke with John and Danielle but no one

was having karaoke so we played Wii Fit instead. We laughed a lot. Both

with the twins and with John and Danielle.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taking the kids to school so often is really taking a toll on me. I'm

constantly exhausted. And constantly frustrated. Aggravated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


On thursday (november 5)I had the day from hell. It started with a phone

call saying my intake at the mental health clinic had to be changed. I

have been trying to get into the clinic since about August or September. I

was supposed to finally have my intake this coming monday but now it's been

changed again to december.

Then I went to my appointment at the social security office and was told

theyr'e gonna be taking 10% of my check a month until I make up for the

"overpayment" since I won that sweepstakes a year and a half ago. Theyr'e

taking away the amount I won. I can't ever get ahead. As it is I can't

get all my bills paid each month without help and end up with like $4 in

the bank at the end of the month. I told her there's no way I can survive

with $85 less a month. She said when I get the letter to call and work out

a different payment plan.

After that mom sent me to get a hair cut and then to get the lice shampoo

kit. The stupid hair cut lady asked lots of questions about what I do for

work or school and why I'm not in school or have a job. We spent a long

time making sure there was NO lice in my hair. My back and legs killed me

from leaning over the sink trying to get all of the shampoo stuff rinsed

out.


Housing Authority called while we were working through my hair and wanted

me tocome out to their main office the next morning. I can't get to Sante

Fe Springs on my own. Mom got aggravated that she would have to take me

out there.

My mom sent me on errands to the store and to pick up the H.Salt fish she

ordered. I ate too much and ended up feeling sick. I then had to sit

around forever waiting for Dillon to be ready to leave. He was gong to his

friend's house to celebrate a birthday. It was like nine pm when I finally

got home, exhausted. I then had to take apart the couch and the bed and

vacuum and spray everything and do laundry.

When I got home my computer refused to come on and took a couple hours to

get to work. Then my washer flooded the kitchen again.

week leading to halloween

So slow. Never seem to really do anything. Time just passes by.


Took Hannah and Daniel to school. Took Kylee to school. Let Dillon drive

himself to school. Grandma loaned me her gas card again. I went to the

library and got a Stephen King book called "Gerald's Game" and the Death

Cab for Cutie cd "Plans". Then went to the bank and was there for a very

long time and was charged $8 to be mailed my statement in 5-8 business days

to send to Housing Authority. It's ridiculous to charge that much for a

stupid statement and I only had about $4 in my checking so they had to get

it from my savings which now only has about $20 left in it. I hate being

so damn broke.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Took the kids to school again. It was crazy hair day for the twins school.

Kylee talks about nothing but going into the army now.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Was a long week and I took the kids to school tuesday, wednesday, and

thursday and it takes a big toll on me doing that multiple days in a row.

On friday evening Danielle invited me over. Me and her and John went and

got food at taco bell/pizzahut. I got a cheese pizza meal. Then we went

back to her house and watched tv while we ate then spent a few minutes on

the computer before going and playing Wii Play.


It's Halloween. I'll probably go trick or treating with the twins and then

John and Danielle invited me to go to karaoke with them later in the

evening.

slacking

Been staring at this blank window not knowing what to type. I went grocery shopping after having h salt fish with my family. Kylee and Dillon were not home. It was mom, grandma and the twins. i feel like crap. I over drew my account and barely had enough in savings to transfer to get me out of the red.

I've sat here all night and all morning just staring, and crying and struggling.


\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\




I wrote the above a few days ago. I haven't been functioning too well lately. On Friday me and Dillon went to Disneyland. Mom was supposed to meet us there with the twins but did not. The twins had benchmark testing so she couldn't take them out of school early. I haven't talked to her since. Dillon seemed to be avoiding me at Disneyland. Trying to spend as much time away from me as possible. I slept all day Saturday.

Feeling so hopeless. So lonely. So anxious. Just wanting to go to sleep and never wake up. Been very urgy but trying so hard not to cut.


So itchy. Tired. Itchy. Anxious. Depressed. Achey. Hopeless. Stupid. Lonely. Unworthy of love.

tired but should do stuff

I took the thw twins to school yesterday then took Kylee then let Dillon drive to school. Grandma had me give Kylee $20 because she had no cash and Kylee needed food money and I only had twenties. Then grandma gave me her debit card to get $20 out of her account to replace what I gave Kylee for my groceries money.

When I got home I went and got the mail. I came back to find my neighbor outside. He looked at my car and said that I need power steering fluid. While I was at grandma's yesterday she checked my oil and added 2 bottles of oil to it. My neighbor had pointed out a knocking sound in my engine to me a few days ago and said that he'd check my oil for me and put some in if it needed it if I got some oil. It was the day it was raining when he'd said that and I hadn't talked to him since. I'd been kind of hibernating lately.

I talked to mom on the phone during her lunch hour. She said she'd talked to mando and that he's going to let her have the kids friday so we can go to Disneyland and he'll have them two days next week. I think he's trying to get them for Halloween even though it is her year. He had them last year.

Today I should go grocery shopping and make a doctors appointment. It's been far too long since I tried doing the doctors stuff. The headaches and back pain need help. I should probably go back to the asthma doctor and the stomach doctor too. I hate doing all that stuff.


Pretty much everyone in #bus is having a hard time. It's so hard to believe that meff is really gone. His wife has to go to the funeral home today. I wish I could help her. I'm doing the only thing any of us can really do though. I'm around to talk to.


I wish I could go to sleep and this time when I wake up I really wake up. I wake up and realize that it was just a bad dream. I want to wake up and realize that my meffypoo is feeling better from the flu he had last week. That he's not really dead. That shyla still has the center of her world. I don't want to make the phone calls to doctors and start all that hassle again. I don't want to go grocery shopping. I dont want to think about anything anymore. I just want to curl up and die. Tired of the pain. Tired of the sadness. Tired of the loneliness. Tired of the hopelessness. Tired of wondering how I'll get my family Christmas presents. Tired of being tired. Just so tired.

goodbye meffypoo. how can you be dead??

Went eleven days before I screwed up and didn't write. Just plain lazyness. Didn't do anything. No writing, no cleaning. Nothing really. I slept most of the day away both Saturday and Sunday.

On saturday evening JohnJohn called and invited me to karaoke. I didn't get up until they called despite several efforts on and off for hours to talk myself out of bed. I went to karaoke with them and he paid for my Shirley Temple. I met them at Danielle's house and then Danielle drove and we picked up Emma who lives pretty close to the karaoke place they've been going to.




meff passed away 10/19/2009 at 2:52 a.m. CST - He's at peace now.

I just found out my good friend who I called meffypoo died. Rodney was such a good guy. On friday he had the flu. When I was about to go to bed sunday morning his wife shyla instant messaged me and told me he was in the hospital and had been put on a ventilator. He had pneumonia and his kidney's were failing. She asked me to pray for him and I did. And now he's gone. It was just a few days ago I was joking with him. He was so funny and so smart. Was always willing to listen and was one of those people who would talk about anything. I loved talking to him. He was so selfless. Hated to ask for anything but counted me as a friend and opened up to me and I opened up to him. He helped me with computer problems many many times. Never asked anything in return except friendship. He called me jennellybelly. I called him meffypoo. I just can't believe he's gone. Just gone. He had the damn flu. Everyone gets the flu. Shyla said yesterday it was the swine flu. even so it still was the flu one day and then two days later he's DEAD. how can he be dead? why are so many people dieing? Sergio's dad, danielle's grandma, meff...all so close together. who's next? i wish i was the one to die. i'm sick of watching as people drop like flies.





I feel torn between not wanting to be alone and wanting to pull away from EVERYBODY so that I have no one else to lose. If I have no one in my life to care about then theres no one who can hurt me (whether they mean to or not).

day 11

Went to Night of Music from Film with mom and the twins. Grandma had made spaghetti so I had some of that before before we went. I had to take mom over to get the car from the mechanic beforehand.

It was hot today. like 97F. I want the weather to cool back down. We had one day of rain and then back up the temperatures went.

I haven't done anything around my apartment today again really. I put a new trash bag in the trashcan and threw some empty bottles in the bag they go in. Feel so tired all the time. I'm sick of being tired.

Day 10 and I have light

Ten days in a row.

I broke the lamp this morning. My landlord came over and fixed the celing light and the lamp too. I hope I got all the broken pieces of the bulb off the floor. I found one little tiny piece of glass with my bare foot and it still hurts.

I finished the book Breaking Dawn. I love the Twilight Series and want more. Now. There's a draft of a fifth book on the author's website. It's basically the first novel from Edward's point of view instead of Bella's from the discription. I haven't read the actual pdf yet though. I plan to.

I have not slept and it is after two pm. I guess I better take a nap. Tomorrow I have to go over to mom's house in the afternoon and get her to help me with the paperwork and then me and her and the twins are going to see "A Night of Music From Film" at the college. Marcie decided not to go and I haven't talked to John or Danielle since I told them about it so I doubt they plan on going.



~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~



I napped from like three until almost eight pm. I finally got around to fixing a bowl of soup around midnight and didn't shower until like three pm. I finished the book Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

Didn't work on the list at all really. And it's after four am now and I'm not in the mood to work on it.

day 9

The housing inspector showed up early. Barely even came in the door. Told me to turn on the heater and I did and by the time I turned back around to lok at him he was already on his way out. I let my landlord know. I also told her about my light not working. She said she would check their schedule and call me before they come. Haven't heard back and am still sitting in this crappy darkness of my shadow with a lamp I've knocked several damn times. I don't know what I'll do if I break the damn thing.

I spent most of the rest of the day asleep on the couch. I'm always so tired. I'll probably have to call my landlord again tomorrow about my light cuz this is driving me nuts. I need to go grocery shopping soon too though. I should go over to mom's house today and give grandma her gas and debit cards back and ask mom to help me with the papers I have to send in for jury duty and for housing assistant that I can't make sense of.

day 8

It rained all day. I took Kylee and the twins to school and then went back to grandma's house to wait for Dillon to be ready and took him to school. Grandma loaned me her gas card and her atm card. She told me to fill my gas tank and get money for groceries. I have to give her the cards back when I see her again. After I did those things I came home and laid down because I was really tired and had a headache. I set two alarms so I would get up in time for my appointment at the clinic. I got to the clinic several minutes early and it didn't take very long and I was home by 3:30. When I was napping in the morning a guy from the mental health clinic I'm transfering tocalled twice both times as soon as I'd finally gotten comfortable and fallen asleep. I have an appointment with that clinic for an intake on November 9th at 1pm.

day 7

Mom came by when she got off work at ten am to try to get my ceiling light on but had no more luck with it than I have. I will probably have to call my landlords about the stupid thing. I'm tired but I need to be productive and clean and stuff so I didn't go back to sleep. I got up and put on socks and a sweatshirt and eventually started on my list after wasting time on facebook.

I feel depressed. I feel tired.

I cut my legs. Wasn't enough but afraid to do more because I have to go to the clinic tomorrow and don't want to chance them not letting me go home. I'm just going to get something signed or something to get me out of jury duty. I've been excused from jury duty before by my psychiatrist there. I would not be a good juror. I don't have the attention span or the ability to sit still and wouldn't be able to make sense of the evidence or make a decision if a person was guilty or not "without reasonable doubt".

day 6

The list I'm working on is

1. me
2. kitchen
3. sweeps
4. livingroom
5. breaking dawn
6. blog
7. clothes
8. sbf
9. bath/hall
10. yayas
11. want list
12. bedroom
13. wanted spam
14. floor

I tested out my new vaccuum cleaner. It works well enough. Cleaned out the

large collection of crumbs and who knows what under the couch cushions. I accidently pulled the light on the livingroom light and turned it off and now it is stuck again and cannot be turned on. I grabbed my only lamp out of the bedroom and hopefully I don't knock it over and break the damn thing.

day 5

Today is a pretty boring day. I plugged my new vacuum in but it has to charge for 16 hours before it's ready so it won't be ready until after dawn. I'm starting to wonder what to have for dinner. I'm working on a list and watching tv.

Kylee called. She ran into John and Danielle earlier today and John asked her about the Jo Dee Mesina concert that will be at Citrus next monnth. Kylee will be working consessions for that show. I found the info online and emailed it to Danielle and then called Danielle to tell her. Danielle said she was just about to call me to invite me to karaoke. I decided not to go though. I feel bad about always letting them pay for stuff for me. They just paid for my pizza last night and also gave me a new purse. I don't have any money so I can't buy a soda and she offered to buy me one but I always feel bad for taking anything from anyone. I don't feel I deserve it. I cry alot when I'm alone cuz i feel like shit for always needing and not being able to give much of anything. I talked to Marcie briefly on the phone too before I called Danielle to tell her about the show next thursday and friday that Kylee is invovled in at Citrus. A Night of Music from film. It's a show the school does every year and Marcie was in it before with the orchastra. We'll probably go thursday night tho i'm not sure where i'll get the $10 for the ticket.

I'm itchy always again. It got a little better for a while but it's getting worse again. My head and neck have been the itchiest lately but I itch all over.

Day 4

I'm so tired. I got up by one pm and then took Dillon driving late in the afternoon. I think it was about 5pm by the time I finally got over there and we left. We started out in the college parking lot so he could get used to my car and then drove for an hour or so around town. He drove about twenty six miles or so. Then I went over to Danielle's house. We had roundtabble pizza and then watched some show called eastwitch or something like that. It was kinda dumb. then we went to starbucks and I used my gift card I still had to get a carmel apple cider. We then went and played wii play.

I got three new things today. John and Danielle gave me a new purse! It's sorta a Christmas present but we're not exchanging presents this year so it's a "we felt sorry for you" present. It's a black genuine leather backpack purse that even has a pocket for my water bottle and a pocket for my phone. They bought it at the LA county fair.

At my mom's house were two package waiting for me. Sonya sent me a box with three of the Twilight books in it. A paperback copy of New Moon and hardcover copies of Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. I love those books. The Hoover wet/dry handvac I ordered with my Nielson Homescan points also arrived.

My back is hurting and I'm always tired.

Day 3 (with a link to a shapesoap giveaway!)

I had a hard time getting up this morning and fell back asleep after mom's call and didn't get up til a second phone call made me realize it was like a quarter til seven already. Grandma was in a bad mood when I got over there. The twins were being a pain. I went home after that. Grandma told me not to come back and get Dillon that he was still asleep and could walk to school. I was in a bad mood and so was she so I went home instead of having to deal with any of them anymore than necessary. My landlord called a while after I was home to see if i was home so that her husband could come look at my heater like she said he would when i talked to her last night. He came over with another guy and determined that there is nothing wrong with my heater it was just too hot for the thermostat to work since it has to be under 90 degrees for it to work.

I napped most of the afternoon and finally got up this evening and played on facebook and added sweeps and finally started entering sweeps again and then ate a budget gourmet tv dinner.

I just entered a sweep for Shapesoap over at Leslie Loves Veggies blog. I'd love to win some of those natural soaps. I also tweeted about this contest. Everyone should check out Leslie's blog and all the cool stuff on there.

day 2

Today has been a very long day. I left the house at like seven am and didn't get home until nine pm. Took the twins to school. then went bcack to grandma's. then picked kylee up from the college. then took Dillon to the college and kylee to the dmv with a stop before that for her to run into her girlfriend's house to get something. then kylee failed the written test twice even tho she'd passed it before but let her permit expire. Then back to grandma's. Mom got off work and picked up the twins and then I stayed with them while she went to the grocery store. Eventually mom fed the twins dinner and then sat down with them to do homework. Kylee actually came home which means she probably wants money. She mentioned going to disneyland after class tomorrow. I waited around for dillon to get done so i could go pick him up so mom could get the twins to bed so she could get some sleep. She works six days a week and has to get up at like 4am every day.

i'm exhausted and have a headache. grandma and mom have started in on me again about coloring my hair and said they will only help me with my bills if i let them dye my hair. i get a migraine from the hair color tho and would rather give up food or heat or somehting than deal with any extra pain. they say its just an excuse but they arent the ones hurting.

housing authority called me back to tell me that what i sent from the gas company isn't good enough so i had to call the landlord. the landlord is coming out tomorrow afternoon. i have to take the kids to school in the morning. my apartment is kinda a mess. my sink is full of dirty dishes but i'm just too damn tired to do anything productive.

i asked mom to pick me up a block of cheese at the grocdry store and she did. grandma gave me some butter and some milk and some frozen juices. i have to avoid grocery shopping for the month because i simply cannot afford to go grocery shopping. i hate being broke all the time. i'm tired. i'm broke. i'm a loser.

Day 1 of attempting to write daily

I'm going to try to be more consistant with my blogging. I need to start writing on a regular basis again. Writing in general. Not necessarily just rambling blogs but just writing in whatever form. I don't use my brain enough. I'm going to try to write something on a daily basis starting today. We'll see how long I can go in a row without flaking out on my new personal commitment to write daily.

Today I have to take the twins to school and probably Dillon as well. I have to take Kylee to the DMV for her 10:30am appointment to take the written test again. She let her permit expire so now has to start over again.

I'm tired but it's a quarter to four am and I know my phone will ring around six am because I have to take the kids to school. So if I sleep I'll probably have a hard time getting up. It is going to be a long day. I'm torn on whether to nap or not. My eyes are burning so I want to close t hem but I absolutely HAVE to get out the door before 7:30am and won't be back home til noon at the very earliest, and probably much later than that.

Well that's enough for now. I will try to write more tomorrow.

its been hectic

Been hectic lately. Sergio's dad passed away. I spent one day at the apartment sergio and brianna were living in helpiong them clean up and prepare for the guests who would be coming from as far as Nebraska and el salvador. I went to the viewing and then the funeral. John, Danielle, Emma, Goofio, Brianna and I all went to red robin afterwards. I've started taking the twins to school a few days a week while mom is at work. Housing Authority sent out an inspector on wednesday for my annual inspection. Thursday was a wal-mart trip. Friday was a long day at Disneyland resort. It was the first day of Halloween time. They have a really neat halloween fireworks show this year and changed space mountain to "space mountain ghost galaxy" which is neat. Uses projects of mummy like ghosts that follow you through the ride and a creepy soundtrack.

On monday I will be going to another funeral. Danielle's grandma passed away. She was a very nice woman. On wednesday the gas company is coming out to light the pilot in my heater so that I can get some kind of documentation from them to fax to housing authority saying the heater is in working order.

Today I spent most of the day asleep because the headache was so bad and my entire body hurt really bad. It'll take a few days to recover from Disneyland. I was already sore and achey before the trip.

well i'll try to write more soon. cant think well enough at the moment.

who knows

On friday me and Dillon went to Disneyland with the main purpose/goal of seeing "Murphy" in Fantasmic! We ended up lost on the way there cuz I'm an idiot. We finally go t there tho and the park was not very busy and we were able to do quite a few attractions in both parks.

Fantasmic! was AWESOME. The dragon performed perfectly. The whole show went off really well with only a couple very very minor technical glitches that went mostly unoticed. Kylee, her girlfriend Shay, and that girls mom and brother all met us there and watched Fantasmic! with us.

On sunday Marcie and Eddie came over for a few hours bringing with them Burger King. It's always fun hanging out with them. Anyone who thinks I talk a lot has never spent much time with Eddie.

The sink is full of dishes because I'm too nausious to get them washed lately. I am so sick of feeling so shitty. Feel weak all over and nausious and tired and achey and on the verge of tears like all the damn time.

I just want to die. I don't want to face anymore pain or anymore frustration or anymore blech.

Sometimes I just sit here on the couch and don't even know why I'm crying. By sometimes I mean everyday. I wish no one loved me. I wish no one cared about me. Then I'd have no reason to have to keep going day after day. It could be over.

I am so sick of feeling like shit. I am no good for anyone or anything. I really hate it. I hate what I am. I hate when people who I knew years ago ask me what I've been up to. I hate when people ask what I do for a living. I hate when people ask what do you do with your time. I hate listening to people talk about how great things are. I'm jealous. I look at facebook and see all these people I went to school with. They all seem so happy. So successful. I haven't seen any of these people for 9 years. What have I accomplished in the last year? College? No. Work experience? No. Love? No. Sucess? No.

How do I answer the "what have you been up to?" question. I'm ashamed of the fact that I sit home all day playing stupid games on facebook or just staring at the tv while the governemt sends me money each month and then I have the gall to complain that I don't have enough money. Last week John and Danielle invited me to come to karaoke with them but I didn't have enough money to even buy myself a soda and not enough gas in my car to go anywhere. They changed their plans so that instead of going to the place they wanted to they went to a place near my house and picked me up on the way and then paid for my shirley temple. I don't understand why I'm worth bothering with? I know the answer though. They feel sorry for me. My friends are friends only out of pity. They will deny this but inside I know it's true.

I never ever shut up. I ramble on and on anytime and any place there is. Chatrooms, phone calls to my mom and grandma, in email replies, etc. Yet I never really say anything. I ramble on and on about Disneyland or Darren Hayes. Randomly typing lyrics into #bus etc even though I know I'm just annoying people and they mostly just ignore me anyways. I'm sorry. This is just how I manage to pass the time. I just can't seem to actually do anything useful or productive at all. I fear that this will never end because I was a terrible person and now this is hell. Then I fear that this is NOT hell and how much worse it will be when I really do get there.

I know my mom and my grandma love me very much and will do just about anything for me, and do. And honestly I wish they wouldn't. I do not deserve it. I wish I could do many things for my family. But I have nothing to give even though they deserve it. My mom has made so many sacrifices my entire life and no one knows how much my heart hurts when I think about what she don't have.

New Computer etc etc

This was written several days or more ago but never got around to posting...






Okay so I’ve got a brand new Toshiba Satellite laptop. My mom managed to come up with the money and bought it for me. I have such a great mom. Always making sacrifices and finding ways to get everyone everything they need and want. I hope she knows how much I love her and appreciate all she does for not just me but for the whole family. I plan to figure some way to show her how much I appreciate all she does soon. Not sure how just yet.
I am currently taking Cymbalta and will move up to 60mg dose soon. I already have the bottle of them but have a few days left of taking 40mg I think. I don’t know what is and is not due to medication but I have felt very crappy lately. I am exhausted all the time. All I want to do is just lay down and close my eyes forever. My mouth is always so dry. I just cannot get enough to drink. I hate it. My vision has been kinda screwy lately. I often find myself closing one eye and squinting the other to make out what is in front of me. I keep getting kinda dizzy and just icky feeling. I have spent more and more time lately wishing and praying for death and/or the end of the world. That was the worst when I had no computer. The old one will no longer even turn on and had been harder and harder to use for a long time due to endless problems with it. Some were hardware issues, some software, all annoying and frustrating. I was so alone and empty. I tried sticking to a list each day full of reading and cleaning but it was hard to stay focused. At least I have Direct TV with DVR which means there is always something on tv to watch. It dawned on me today that I watch way too much tv that regularly includes the line “I’m sorry for your loss” but whatever. I don’t like most reality shows so besides that theres a large amount of crime and medical dramas on. I watch the different Law and Order shows a lot and Crossing Jordan (which takes place mostly in a morgue). I also watch Monk and Cold Case and Touched By An Angel which all end up using that line fairly often and of course shows that take place in a hospital cannot avoid death and loss of physical abilities here and there. The only reality tv shows I really watch are a few on the learning channel or whatever like Jon and Kate Plus 8 and The Little Couple. I watch any Star Trek shows that come on. The only talk show I watch is Ellen though when Jay Leno starts his new show in the fall I’ll watch that too.
I don’t like Windows Vista but will get a free upgrade to windows 7 when it’s released which I’ve heard will be late October. Unfortunately MS Agent will not work properly for me in Vista and will not be supported anymore so won’t be any good when I upgrade either. Without irc being read aloud to me I can’t seem to keep up or make sense of it at all anymore. It’s so frustrating. Chat is my primary comunitcation nowadays since my irl friends have no time for me and my family get so bored with me. So this leaves me still feeling alone and lost. I’ve searched for another program that can do the same thing but can’t find anything. NaturalReader was suggested and I tried it but it only works when you highlight a section of text and push the play button. I need something that will automatically read mirc to me. MS Agent was nice because it even took out the crap like the symbols around the nicks such as ops and the “greater than” and “less than” that makes it easier to understand.
It’s been so hot lately. In the nineties every day. I try to use my air conditioner as little as possible because the electricity bill goes up so much when I used it. I do use it a few times a week though. Lately I’ve been sleeping more and more. Last couple days it was close to ten pm before I actually got up. On Tuesday morning I self-injured. Not sure when the previous time was, probably just before getting the new computer but I cannot keep track.
I went grocery shopping on Sunday at Ralphs. Bought a lot of drinks: flavored waters, soda, juice, powdered drink mixes, and milk. I bought a few snacks and a few frozen meals and spent a total of about $160 or so. I of course visited with my family while I was out, both before and then briefly afterwards when I picked up some ice and peanut butter from them. I had been woke up earlier that day by a phone call from JohnJohn asking if I wanted their old tv. I told him that my grandma could really use a better tv and then talked to grandma about it on the phone. After getting home with my groceries I called JohnJohn and he was at Wal-mart with his mom and said he’d call me back when they got home. I got my groceries scanned for Nielson HomeScan and all the perishables put away and then laid down on the couch with the air conditioner on and watched a bit of tv and cooled off and before long I heard from John again. Sergio was going to be at his house within an hour and they’d bring the tv to grandma’s house and I would meet them at grandma’s. So I got myself ready and headed back over there. He called when they were leaving his house and a few minutes later JohnJohn, Danielle, Goofio, Brianna and Brianna’s daughter Bella arrived in John’s family pickup truck with the tv in the back as well as the stand. We all stood around out in the driveway talking a while including my mom and Kylee and Dillon and then finally they got the tv into the livingroom and hooked up. It works good. Bella got a big kick out of Hannah’s “gotta go” doll with it’s potty. It was around 9pm I think when they left and I went home. I was totally exhausted.