Last night, Friday night, john and Danielle picked me up and we, after stopping by Boomers to pick up Emma, went to the karaoke place they like in Upland. I do not like it there. I sang three songs very badly. "I want you", "Time after Time," and "Hold Me". There were a group at the table closest to where you sing that included 2 very inebriated men who heckled all. They scared me. I think it was the third time I sang one of them put his arm around me and I kinda freaked. "Let go of me! Don't touch me!" I had to drink alcohol. It was just one drink, a Scooby Snack, and I had to go in the bathroom and cut myself. Why did I have to do these things? Because I was trying not to lose time. Elly became though. I was mostly still aware, but not in control. In the car, on the way home, talk turned to Cancer. Danielle's mom recently found out she has cancer, and her father has to have heart surgery again. I think the conversation had turned back that way because of a new country song they were discussing, something about living life like you are dieing. I'm not quite sure because I was barely aware. Helen became. Both Helen and Elly are little ones. I had not realized that it is Helen that bears most of the memories her Pa's struggle, deterioration, and death from lung cancer that quickly spread. I do not know for sure how much else she remembers of him.

It was not one of my better days. The entire day had been a "blah" day. I felt sleepy and worn out. Slept on and off throughout the entire day. Accomplished nothing, which increased the already deeping depression. Today, it is Saturday, and I am determined to be productive. To set goals. To follow a list. To accomplish something.

Yet more lyrics...Everclear "Chemical Smile"

She lost her focus yesterday
She lost her focus in the sun
She sits and stares at it for hours
She says she likes to go outside
She gets hung up on the wind
She gets lost inside the happy noise
Sometimes I don’t understand her
Sometimes I don’t want to understand her

She says no no no no no
She don’t want no double life
She says I should know why
She seems happier at night
Her color tv and her chemical smile

I don’t wanna know the reason
I don't wanna know the reason
I don’t wanna know the reason why

She says she says she says
Jesus owes her money
She says she says she says
The angels are her friends

What the hell does that mean?

She’s got the chemical smile
Yeah she's got the chemical smile
baby's got the chemical smile

she says she says she says she says
yeah

Long Distance Love

Well it's Thursday now. It's been a manic week. I think I'm beginning to settle now though. At least the overwhelming sexual desires have calmed, due at least in part to starting my period most likely.

I think it's time for me to openly talk about Sam. My boyfriend. We have been in an "exclusive long distance relationship" for a while now. I have not denied I am in this relationship but have not declared it to the world either.

So who is this Sam I speak of?
Samuel Roland Kennedy

He's a wonderful guy. Sweet. Smart. Considerate. He's got a great job. He's helped me in many many ways. My family knows that he helps me with my computer and my homework. They do not know that I love him. They would never understand this. They would punish me for saying it. Prevent me from communicating with him. I need him. I miss him when he sleeps. I miss him when I have to leave the house. I think about him all the time.

I know he feels the same way.

He has treated me much better than I have treated him. Yet, he didn't leave.

He has overcome many problems in his life. He is extremely successful in many ways. I am proud to say this:

(¨`·.·´¨)* I
`·.(¨`·.·´¨)*Love
`·.¸.·´*You
This dedicates to My Life
Samuel Roland Kennedy


Thank you for being so amazing Sam

Strawberry-Everclear lyrics -(Thinking about my love)

NOW!

Never been here, never coming back
Never want to think about the things
That happened today
Want to lay down on the warm ground
I think I’m going to need a little time to myself

Don’t fall down now
You will never get up
Don’t fall down now
Don't fall down now
Don't fall down now
You will never get up
Don't fall down now
Now

I ask you for a slow ride
Going nowhere
You look like satan
You ask me if I want to get high
Couple of bags down in old town you tie your arm and
Ask me if I wanted to drive

Don’t fall down now
You will never get up
Don’t fall down now
Don't fall down now
Don't fall down now
You will never get up
Don't fall down now
Now, Nooww

Now...

Last thing I recall
I was in the air
I woke up on the street
Crawling with my strawberry burns
Ten long years in a straight line
They fall like water
Yes, I guess I fucked up again

Don’t fall down now
You will never get up
Don’t fall down now
Don't fall down now
Don't fall down now
Don't fall down now
You will never get up
Not going to go fall down now
now
now
now

More lyrics again: Overcome By Live

Overcome even now
the world is bleedin'
but feelin' just fine
all numb in our castle
where we're always free to choose
never free enough to find
I wish somethin' would break
cuz we're runnin' out of time

and I am overcome yeah
I am overcome
holy water in my lungs
I am overcome

these women in the street pullin' out their hair
my master's in the yard
givin' light to the unaware
this plastic little place
is just a step amongst the stairs

and I am overcome yeah
I am overcome baby
holy water in my lungs yeah
I am overcome

so drive me out
out to that open field
turn the ignition off
and spin around
your help is here
but I'm parked in this open space
blockin' the gates of love

and I am overcome yeah
I am overcome baby
holy water in my lungs yeah
I am overcome yeah, yeah

I am overcome oh Lord
I am overcome baby
holy water in my lungs holy water, holy water
I am overcome

beautiful drowning
this beautiful drowning
this holy water
this holy water is in my lungs

and I am overcome
I am overcome yeah, yeah
I... I... I am overcome
I am overcome

Everclear-dont know the name of this song...some one tell me please...

Sometimes I get to a point
Where I don't give a damn
About anything anymore

Sometimes I get to a point
Where I feel numb and
I just don't care

Sometimes
I feel like I just don't care

Yeah sometimes I feel like i just don't

I sit in my car and listen to the radio
I think about the past and it seems so long ago
I know the pain is slowly gonna fade
This life is gonna get better
(Things are gonna be better)

I wait until my ex-wife has gone away
I walk around the house
Getting lost inside the old days

I see a picture where everybody's smiling
I know...I got to keep it on the inside

I want to get lost from my life sometimes
Sit on the side and watch the world go by
I want to get lost and I don't know why
Sometimes
I want to get lost and I don't know why
(Sometimes
I want to get lost and dream for awhile)

Waiting for my little girl
Waiting on the school bus
We're going to the movies
Yeah just the two of us

Sit inside the dark and just dream for awhile
Our life is gonna get better
(Yeah it's gonna be better)

I wake up weird in the middle of the night
I walk the floor until my mind gets right
I think about the past
And it makes me want to cry
I know...I got to keep it on the inside

I want to get lost from my life sometimes
Sit on the side and watch the world go by
I want to get lost in the dark and just dream for awhile
Just sit inside a dark room and dream for awhile

The only thing that ever makes sense to me
Ooo, is the words to a song from an American movie
The only thing that ever made sense in my life
Ooo, is the sound of my little girl laughing
Alive and happy in the summertime

Alive and happy in the summertime
Oh-oh...alive and happy in the summertime

I am just like everyone I know
I am afraid of things that I don't know
I am afraid of ever really being alone

Whoa, whoa, I want to find myself a brand new start
I want to find a girl and make a brand new start
I want to find a girl and get lost in the dark
(I want to find a girl and get lost in the dark)

The only thing that ever makes sense to me
Ooo, is the words to a song from an American movie
The only thing that ever made sense in my life
Ooo, is the sound of my little girl laughing
Through the window of a summer night

I sit alone in the backyard
Wishing I could be inside

Just the sound of my little girl laughing
Makes me happy just to be alive

WHOA-OH...

Sometimes I am happy
Just to be alive
Just to be alive
Just to be alive
Whoa-oh...Whoa-oh-oh...

Headphones turned up high...

Trying to drown out both inside and outside. Wanting to hurt myself, to cut and bleed but don't know why. Feeling aggravated and irritable for no real reason I can identify.

The most we accomplished was writing a paper for Zachary. Heh, and we mainly just reworded an article I found on "The Cold War." Three page paper spit out in I think it was like an hour if not less. Not sure. Time is confusing.

Frustrated. Don't know how to focus. Don't want to lose any more time. It's scary and confusing.

Goo Goo Dolls - Acoustic #3 Lyrics

Goo Goo Dolls - Acoustic #3 Lyrics


They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming?
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you're hiding here alone
And your mother loves your father
Cuz she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
Cuz the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying?
Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
Cuz the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming?
You're not listening anyway

Saturday night....

Went to La Fiesta but the Laker game delayed Karaoke. So Europa and I went to Chuck E. Cheese to pass the time. It was fun. Then we went back and waited. Eventually got to sing one song. I sang "I Want You". Danced. Was freaky. lol.

OKies...my attention span...way too short...Let's Ride Bikes!

Almost 7am, umm Saturday?

136 hours until the semester will be completly finished.

7am
8am
9am
10am
11am
12noon
1pm
2pm
3pm
4pm
5pm
6pm
7pm
8pm Get ready for karaoke?
9pm Karaoke?
10pm
11pm
12am It'll be Sunday
1am Leave Karaoke?
2am
3am
4am
5am
6am
7am
8am
9am
10am
11am
12noon
1pm
2pm
3pm
4pm
5pm
6pm
7pm
8pm
9m
10pm
11pm
12midnight It'll be monday
1am
2am
3am
4am
5am
6am
7am
8am
9am
10am
11am
12noon
1pm
2pm
3pm
4pm
5pm
6pm
7pm
8pm
9m
10pm
11pm
12midnight It'll be Tuesday
1am
2am
3am
4am
5am
6am
7am
8am
9am
10am
11am
12noon
1pm
2pm
3pm
4pm
5pm
6pm
7pm Psychology final
8pm
9m
10pm
11pm
12 midnight It'll be wednesday
1am
2am
3am
4am
5am
6am
7am
8am
9am
10am
11am
12noon
1pm
2pm
3pm
4pm
5pm
6pm
7pm
8pm
9m
10pm
11pm
12midnight It'll be thursday
1am
2am
3am
4am
5am
6am
7am
8am
9am
10am
11am
12noon
1pm
2pm
3pm
4pm
5pm
6pm
7pm Library final
8pm
9m

Boredom at school

I'm tired. I wanna go home. I need music but this puter is slow and I'm not even gonna fight with trying to get stream radio like launchcast to work. I wanna nap. I wanna go home and talk to Sam and see how he's feeling. Probably pretty shitty.

Eh, n e ways I have to go fix something on the daftness blog.

Can I go home yet?!

I'm at school. Long day. Took Access final. Didn't do very well. Don't even know if we have class next week or not. forgot to ask.

Met my goals!

Got all five goals of the day hit. The room is still messy but there is some improvement! Woohoo! I set goals and reached them!

2 more goals reached!

I finished the chapter 12 assignments for library class AND the bibliography.
I will print them at school so i can save on my own ink.
I think those are the very last homework assignments that have to be turned in for any of the classes this semester at all.


Why do I feel so shitty? I should be thrilled. In a way I am, but then well. I don't know. Maybe it's at least partially fear, becuasse i've promised to try to get meds and therapy and a better living semester when the semester is over and i simply dont know how.



I feel dumb, hopeless, useless, crappy. I did the assignments, but I didnt do a very good job, but I tried.

I just want to be good enough.

A goal accomplished!

I went grocery shopping!



I spent about one hundred dollars and bought mainly juice and tv dinners (most of those are different kinds of pizza.)

Lyrics: "Lean On Me"

Some times in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow.
But, if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow.

Lean on me, when your not strong, and I'll be your friend,
I'll help you carry on. For it won't be long, 'till I'm gonna need
somebody to lean on.

Please, swallow your pride, if I have
faith, you need to borrow. For no one can fill those of your
needs, that you won't let show.

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand,
Wwe all need somebody to lean on.
I just might have a problem that you'll understand,
we all need sombody to lean on.

Lean on me, when your not strong, and I'll be your friend,
I'll help you carry on. For it won't be long, 'till I'm gonna need
somebody to lean on.

You just call on me, brother when you need a hand,
we all need somebody to lean on.
I just might have a problem that you'll understand,
we all need sombody to lean on.

If, there is a load, you have to bear, that you can't carry,
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load, if you just call me.

Call me
If you need a friend
Call me Call me
If you ever need a friend
Call me Call me
Call me call me
call me call me
if you need a friend
call me call me
call me
call me call me
call me call me
call me

Goals for today

Today is Wednesday, and I do not have any classes today.
Goals for today:

Go grocery shopping. (I made a list!)

Finish Chapter 12 of the Library class homework (The LAST book work for the semester!)

I have to finish the bibliography for library class. (How many times did I have to redo this?!)

Finish at least one node for E2 (I want to get three done so my total number of write-ups will be divisible by 5 again)

Make at least a dent in the mess my room has become.

More lyrics: "I don't care" written by Darren Hayes

I ride this train
In the windswept afternoon
And the sunlight warms the faces
Of the faithless who are waiting
I ride this train
But I need a conversation
Mozambique or was it Veronique?
How about you pick the subject
and I`ll listen to you

People tell me that I feel too much
But I don`t care, I don`t care
People tell me that I need too much
But I don`t care, no I don`t care

I ride this train
In a dreamlike state of mind
Through a field of frozen memories
Imagination racing
I ride this train
But I need to make connections
No I wasn`t staring, I was only trying
To get some substance, to get some meaning

People tell me that I feel too much
But I don`t care, I don`t care
People tell me that I need too much
But I don`t care, no I don`t care

People tell me that I feel too much
Oh no `cause I don`t care, no I just don`t care anymore
As I ride this train

People tell me that I feel too much
But I don`t care, no I don`t care
People tell me that I need too much
But I don`t care, no I don`t care
People tell me that I feel too much
Oh no `cause I don`t care, no I just don`t care anymore
As I ride this train
As I ride this train (People tell me that I need too much)
As I ride this train
Can you ride this train? (People tell me that I need too much)
As I ride this train
As I ride this train
(People tell me that I feel too much)
(People tell me that I need too much)

Just messing around with this...procrastination

Perhaps I should eat, perhaps I should sleep. Perhaps I should work on my Library Science homework, perhaps I should go to the grocery store. Perhaps I should study for psychology.

Eh...

I'm thirsty and hungry. But i'm tired and achey and lazy. Dont want to get dressed and brush my hair and teeth and get in the car and drive to the grocery store and spend $100 dollars that grandma gave me to use and then some. Besides, I need to make a list first.

Lyrics: "Don't Let Me Get Me" Pink

Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take direction, and my socks are never clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin' right

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

I wanna be somebody else, yeah

LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me

Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe somethin'
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe somethin'
A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me

I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
Yourself
So irritating
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
Down down
I wanna be somebody else

Don't let me get me
don't let don't let me get me....

Quotes out of my textbook "The Research Process: Books & Beyond"

"I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way." -Franklin P. Adams

"The most original authors are not so because they advance what is new, but because they put what they have to say as if it had never been said before." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"I don't pretend we have all the answers. But the questions are certainly worth thinking about." -Arthur C. Clarke

"I used to think that cyberspace was fifty years away. What I thought was fifty years away, was only ten years away. And what I thought was ten years away...it was already here. I just wasn't aware of it yet." -Bruce Sterling

"This is the best book ever written by any man on the wrong side of a question of which he is profoundly ignorant." -Thomas B. Macaulay

"Knowledge is of two kinds: we know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information upon it." -Samuel Johnson

"The hand that rules the press, the radio, the screen and the far-spread magazine, rules the country." -Learned Hand

"Just be thankful you're not getting all the government you're paying for."-Will Rogers

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." -Benjamin Disraeli

"There has rarely passed a life of which a judicious and faithful narrative would not be useful." -Samuel Johnson

"What we become depends on what we read after all of the professors have finished with us. The greatest university of all is a collection of books." -Thomas Carlyle

taken off of my homenode as it is no longer appropriate

As for an explination of my [nick]...well I tried to [register] Bluebird but it was taken...as it was when I got my email address...so now I became [bluebird_is_sad|a sad bluebird]. That was fine at the time, I was used to being sad, having been "mentally ill" as far as anyone can remember. Since then I have wanted to not be defined by an illness. I want to be my own person. Not an emotion. [skybluefusion] is who I have become, or perhaps, am becoming.

i fail

worked all night sam helped a lot

i still fail.

eportfolio too much

and case manager called. i told her i didnt have time for her and hung up on her

cant stop crying been crying for hours

cut myself pulled out hair banged head threw things total baby i give up

I'm a girl

You know me but I know you better. you're hand it slides up my sweater. my lips they keep getting wetter. so we talk about things that matter. i ask if my ass looks fatter. who cares, pass me the butter. boy I gotcha!! I’m a girl I have no brain dumb enough to think you’d change but smart enough to get your attention I’m a Girl I have no brain dumb enough to play this game when I say jump you stand to attention I smile sweetly while you go at ‘em takes longer to split the atom I’m a rocket scientist on white satin So I gent-i-ly burst your bubble Oohh baby you’re deep in trouble the game is cat and mouse and I gotcha this pussy wants ya! I’m a girl I have no brain dumb enough to think you’d change but smart enough to get your attention I’m a Girl I have no brain dumb enough to play this game when I say jump you stand to attention Yes I'm a girl and i have no brain but neither do you. You know me but I know you better your hand it slides up my sweater my lips they keep getting wetter keeps getting better I’m a girl I have no brain dumb enough to think you’d change but smart enough to get your attention I’m a Girl I have no brain dumb enough to play this game when I say jump you stand to attention I’m a girl I have no brain dumb enough to think you’d change but smart enough to get your attention I’m a Girl I have no brain dumb enough to play this game when I say jump you stand to attention attention

time after time

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you. Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new. Flashback, warm nights. Almost left behind. Suitcase of memories. Time after Sometimes you'll picture me I'm walking too far ahead. You're calling to me. I can't here what you said. And you say, go slow. I fall behind. The second hand unwinds. If you're lost, and you look and you will find me time after time if you fall, I will catch you i will be waiting time after time if your lost and you look you will find me time after time if you fall i will catch you i'll be waiting. time after time yeah. After my picture fades and darkness has turned to gray watching through windows you're wondering if i'm okay secret stolen from deep inside the drum beats out of time. if your lost and you look you will find me time after time if you fall i will catch you i'll be waiting. time after time oh. you say go slow i fall behind. this second hand unwinds if your lost and you look you will find me time after time if you fall i will catch you i'll be waiting. time after time if your lost and you look you will find me time after time if you fall i will catch you i'll be waiting. time after time yeah. time after time yeah time after time hoo time after time time after time after time after time hmhum