Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Random wish list tonight

Relief from pain
Traffic ticket taken care of
Someone to help me clean my apartment
Membership to Darren Hayes fan club (Delicacy)
A doctor that can actually help me
$$$$$
Life to end
Candy
Costco gift cards
gas station gift cards
grocery gift cards
socks
Mechanic to check out/fix any issues my car is having
ipod touch (mobile internet!  I’m so behind times!)
tablet (computer)

Monday, March 26, 2012

Some things I need to say

I have not really written, especially blogged, in quite some time.
I am not doing well. It is the end of March and like every year around this time i have crashed into a deep depression. It always happens. The inside people get much louder and the spiral downward sweeps me away into my own personal hell. The physical pain has not helped either. It always brings my mood down when the physical pain gets as bad as it has been.
I have things going for me that should keep me out of the depression but they just don’t.
I have friends. Friends that care far more than I deserve. Friends that put up with far too much. Today was a bad day. Very bad. And when John and Danielle realized it and I refused to talk on the phone they showed up at my door to make sure i would be okay.
I have a new friend too. Phillip. A patient man. A religious man, or spiritual. He’s both. He’s Catholic. In the last couple of weeks he has taken me out three times. They were fun nights. The first time he had me meet him at one of his favorite Mexican resturants. After we ate w went to Coldstones for ice cream and then since we were next to the theater we went and saw the film “This Means War” which is a romantic comedy/action film. The following week he came and got me and we went to Northwood’s Inn. He has expensive taste. Much higher class than me. I prefer things like McDonald’s or a cheap pasta place. So does my uncooperative tummy. After we ate we went to Dave and Busters to play arcade games for a while. We then came back to my apartment for a while and listened to songs on youtube and looked through old yearbooks. He was in the class ahead of me at the same high school but I never knew him. He’s lived right next door to Danielle for pretty much forever yet I’d only ever seen him in passing. But he and I both now play Bunco with John’s family once a month and got to talking from there and he asked if I would want to hang out some time. I warned him up front that I can not afford to do anything. I have no money. And then once we went to dinner I warned him that I have issues. I tried to ease him into that but since in the two weeks or so since we first went to dinner I’ve gone from hypomanic to deep depression easing him into is difficult. He didn’t completely run away though, even after today. He came over here and we talked.
There are things I wish I could say, both to him and to others but have a hard time forming into speech. I get to tangled in thought and to confused and do not speak well.
My pain level is really high. Like so high that I am considering taking every pill I could find in hopes of some relief. I cut myself earlier which I know is something that I should not do and it makes people freak out but it helps me in a few ways. The inside people settle down a bit when I bleed. Plus it releases endorphins which help with the physical pain. But the effects do not last very long.
I did not cut alot and I did not bleed a lot and it was not deep. Barely more than scratches with the stupid blade that is not sharp enough. I want to cut more but I try not to. I have too many scars already.
When John and Danielle came over she asked me if I had cut recently and I reluctantly admitted I had. She asked if I had cut today and I even more reluctantly admitted that I had. I was actually still bleeding. I had been cutting my leg when they arrived and had to quickly stash the blade out of sight and cover my leg and hope the blood didn’t show through and that the pants leg did not crawl up enough to reveal the fresh blood. No one should see that. It makes them worry and upset.
There are so many things I wish I could say and I am going to try to write some of them since I can’t actually speak them aloud.
One thing is I do not or cannot really talk about the inside people. It makes it worse. And I do not want to hear things like “Tell them be gone demons!” They are not demons. They are people and they live in this body with me, they share my brain with me. There are some that are bad and some that are not. Some are just small children. They mean no harm. And they have helped and protected me at times.
I appreciate that my friends acknowledge that because of my pain it can hurt to be hugged. But I want to be hugged anyways. Even if it hurts it is still something I crave. I miss physical contact. I grew up in a family that ALWAYS hugs and kisses. I was raised with that kind of physical contact and now I rarely get it but it is something that even when it might hurt some to be touched it is still a craving. I do not at all crave sexual contact. I never have had a real desire for any kind of sexual contact but I do want to be held sometimes. To be touched by someone who cares about me.
I think I forgot to write about the third dinner with Phillip. He was in Anaheim the whole weekend for some kind of religious conference and since his parents had dinner plans he invited me to meet up with him on I think it was friday evening. We went to Downtown Disney and had dinner at the Rainforrest Cafe and looked around the shops down there and then got funnel cakes for dessert.
I feel guilty when I let people pay for stuff for me. I do not feel as if I deserve it. It makes me feel like a burden. But I have let him pay for my meals. It is hard for me to let people do things for me. I want to do for others but I have nothing to offer.
I know this is a mess and not organized but if I scroll up and read what I have written to try to make it make sense I would most likely delete it completely.
Always the closer it gets to the dreaded third day of april the worse it gets. The inside people get so loud. The depression gets so deep. The thoughts go into hyperdrive in a very bad way. I do not know why or how but some how we have always known that birthday and the day of my death will be the same. And the inside people remind me aobut it. On nights like tonight when the thoughts go to suicide it does keep me from trying because “you would fail, you have to die on the third of april”. None of us know what year. It could be this year, it could be next year, it could be several years from now. And I know this makes me sound completley loony. I am loony. I do not deny it. but its a strong belief I have had for many years. i believe this as much as i believe in Jesus. I think I might even be a tab more sure about this than i am about Christianity. But I’m not completely sure about anything. Ever.
I hate the confusion.
And each year when I have not died on that day it does not make me feel better. It makes me sad that I have to get through another year at least. Another long year of pain. Another long year of confusion. Another long year of being useless. Another long year of wasting space, time, resources, etc. that others could be using.
I do not work. I live off of other people’s hard earned tax money and then I have the nerve to complain that its not enough money. People are always telling me I should get a job at Disneyland and i often wish i could. i have such a hard time just keeping up with the volunteer position i have at the library. i spend 2 hours a week at the library. Each wednesday i sit for an hour each with Erick and his brother Jeffrey and get them to do some of their homework for about half of that time and then read a book to/with me for the other half. I usually meet with Erick the first hour and then Jeffrey the second hour. sometimes it is switched. I have not given Jeffrey any homework yet but each week I do give Erick writing prompts and he has to bring back five pages based on the prompts the following week. I do not know why I bother. I have such a hard time coming up with these stupid prompts. And i hardly read anything he turns into me. i always end up waiting until the night before to even write up the stupid assignments. i procrastinate too much.
I hate that my apartment is so filthy and so unorganized. I try to clean it but I never accomplish anything. I am not good at anything. I can never do anything good enough. I can’t clean enough to make it clean. No matter what i do everything is still dirty and messy and i feel hopeless. the more i try to do anythig the more hopeless i feel.
“It’s only money” isn’t funny. “You only live once” sure but money is so hard to come by for some of us that wasting it just to have a brand name or going to high class places seems stupid to me. i’m sorry but i am someone who has never been able to afford anything. so that kind of attitude frustrates me.
I have trained myself to only eat about four meals a week because that’s how I make the groceries last long enough so I don’t have to go weeks at a time with nothing at all in the freezer. That’s life.
It doesn’t matter that I do not eat much since food, like all food, just hurts my stomach eeven with the stupid pill. the pill i take for my stomach does seem to help some but i still always feel icky after i eat. stomach hurts and often the food does not get to stick around very long.
I hate when my brain goes into spirals. it is hard to think straight. it is hard to focus.
I tend to be more honest in my twitter posts than in my facebook posts. None of my family reads my twitter posts. Twitter limits how much i can say at once to 140 characters which is a bit too short. so i dont use it much but when i go through twitter spurts it feels safer to post there than to facebook.
if i’m not on facebook at all, not even playing farmville i’m probably hiding and if i’m hiding i am probbably not doing well at all.
i don’t answer the phone if i am crying to hard to speak.
i work extremely hard to hide how bad i hurt and how i feel. i try so hard to hide that i’m near tears. i try to keep people from knowing im a mess physically and or emotionally because its easier for other people to be around me if they don’t know. and since no one can do anything to make it better why should they have to know. what good with that do anyone? so i spend a lot of energy being “fine” even when i’m not. thats what others need. it is not acceptable when i’ not “fine” so i’m “fine” even when i’m really not, which is most of the time.
i know i talk to much and i know i often do not make sense but i can not seem to stop myself from talking. i hate that i talk to much. i just dont know when to shut up. i ramble too much.
i am not a good writer. i know it.
i am very picky eater and i know that makes it difficult and i’m sorry. i have a hard time eating most foods mostly due to smell.
i get very paranoid. i know i’m paranoid but it wont go away. i feel like i’m being watched. all the time. even when i’m at home. i feel like when i close my eyes they come closer and take my picture with a camera that isn’t a normal camera. i dont know what that camera does.
i break technology just by looking at it. and then i end up dropping it. i think i put off some kind of rays or something that makes technology go haywire.
i am useless. i am hopeless. i know my friends keep standing by me but they really shouldn’t. i’m not deserving of anyone caring. i’m not worth the time and even tho they say i’m not a burden i know i am. thats all i’ve ever really been. i’m a pity case. i’m an extra thing to worry about. i dont want to be that and thats one of the many reasons i wish i would hurry up and die.
There is much more in my head but its all a mess and i dont know what i’ve said and what i haven’t so i’m done. for now at least.
i’m sorry. but this is me.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Spend Valentines day writing with us!

Do you like to write?  Do you want to meet up with other people who write in a casual environment?  Every second and fourth Tuesday of each month is a nice little writing group at the Village Book Shop in Glendora, California.  Every one is welcome at this group.  We meet from six pm until nine pm but people can show up at any time and leave at any time.
Our next meeting happens to fall on Valentines day.  If you have no plans for that silly Hallmark holiday come and join us!
What do we do at this group?  We bring our laptops and we write.  We chat and socialize.  We give each other suggestions when asked, helping each other out of writers block or just stumbling blocks in our writing.  We do some online research as needed.  Some times we drink coffee and sometimes we eat snacks. Some weeks we get more writing done than other weeks.  We are open to suggestions on how to improve the group.  Would you like to participate in writing dares or challenges?  Would you prefer to just work on your own project in a fresh environment with friendly and understanding people around?  We can do that!

The Village Book shop has a locked internet connection but the password is available to those who attend the group.  The owner of the book shop is Deborah Gould.  She is extremely welcoming and enthusiastic.  The most gracious of hosts. The shop is located in the hard of the quiet little town with the Gumdrop trees.  There is ample parking on the street since most of the shops in the area close at six as well as a good sized and well lit  free public parking lot right next to the book store.  The book shop is clean, bright, well organized, and very welcoming.  There are seating options such as a couch or tables and chairs.  There are plenty of power strips available.  There is a machine that makes several types of coffee as well as hot chocolate inside the bookstore.
The Village Book shop offers both new and used books as well as dvds.  If they do not have some thing in stock they will do every thing they can to find it for you.
This sounds like an advertisement for the book shop.  I am not an employee of the shop and do not receive any kind of compensation for advertising for the shop.  I am a fan of the shop and a long time customer. 

 Their website has not been updated in quite some time but they do send out a monthly newsletter by email.  I have copied the February newsletter out of my email and pasted it here (without permission but I do not think the store owners will mind):




February Newsletter



What a way to close out January! Black Box Books' presentation ofThe Elephant Man, a portrayal of John Merrick's life, stirred the emotions of everyone present. This beautifully staged and acted reading touched the hearts, minds and souls of all who attended.

DO NOT MISS Raisin in the Sun, with it's poignant story about an African American family and it's struggles in 1951, on Sunday Feb. 26 at 2pm. Make your reservations early.

2012 looks to be a very spiritual year. Check in on the first Wednesday of the month, Feb. 1, with Phyllis Douglass as we explore individual spirituality. On Feb. 7, a book discussion involving The Call of Sedona: Journey of the Heart will enlighten attendees about Dahn Yoga meditation and spiritual health.
Power of Poetry, Feb. 10, will focus on personal experiences of war in honor of the Glendora War Memorial -- this year's partner with the Wine Walk, held the same evening.

 Local authors, Greg Morton (Fury of the Bear) and Maryann Keck (Vladie: Story of a Trainer's Dog) will be sharing their new works with us on Feb. 11 and Feb. 25, respectively. Those who have great new works inside them need to attend Creative Writer's Workshop, the Tuesday night Write-Ins and Monday night Literary Critique sessions. 

   
Be sure to scroll down to see the rest of the calendar (which is chock-full of goodies) and check out great info about DVDs. 

Please feel free to contribute to this newsletter by emailing us at
villagebookshop1@aol.com. We  look forward to "seeing" from you.

Sincerely,
Deborah Gould - Owner
Ken Salzman - Outreach Coordinator
Village Book Shop 

Latest Deals


Like us on Facebook
 
February Calendar:
Stop by Village Book Shop
and pick up the calendar for February:

Feb 1 - Phyllis Douglass - 7pm  
Feb 2 - Creative writing workshop - 7pm   
Feb 4 - Murder Mystery dinner/show - 6:30pm - Saturday       
Feb 6 - Trivia Club - 7pm  
Feb 7 - Dahn Yoga Book Discussion "The Call of Sedona -  
             the Journey of the heart" - 7pm
Feb 9 - General Book Club 7pm
Feb 9 - Creative writers workshop - 7pm
Feb 10 - Power of Poetry - 7pm
Feb 10 - The Village Wine Walk - 6-9pm  
Feb 11 - Youth Book Club 1pm 
Feb 11 - Author Greg Morton - The Fury of the Bear - 2:30pm    
Feb 12 - Craft Circle - 2:30pm  
Feb 13 - Literary Critique - 7pm   
Feb 14 - Write-In 6-9pm
Feb 16 - Creative writing Workshop - 7pm  
Feb 18 - Creative Writers' open mic - 6pm
Feb 20 - Trivia Club - 7pm   
Feb 22 - Conservancy public Open Forum - 7pm (Call ahead)  
Feb 23 - Murder Mystery Book Club - 7pm
Feb 23 - Creative Writing Workshop - 7pm
Feb 25 - Author Maryann Keck - Vladie: Story of a Trainer's Dog -  
              2:30pm   
Feb 26 - Black Box Books presents "Raisin in the Sun" 2pm
Feb 27 - Literary Critique - 7pm   
Feb 28 - Tuesday Morning Book Club - 10am   
Feb 28  - Write in - 6-9pm 

  

Book Clubs
Bypass the new apps and electronic gizmos for a truly interactive and satisifying experience.  Join one of our book clubs to meet others as intellectually exciting as yourself and get 15% off book club books.
  Tuesday Morning Book Club   

02/28/12  - 10am
Tuesday 

 
    Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese 




Evening Book Club
 
02/09/12 - 7 pm
Thursday
    Mornings on Horseback by David McCullough  

Murder Mystery Book Club 
  
02/23/12 - 7 pm
Thursday  



Slipping into Darkness 
by Peter Blauner 
  Youth Book Club   

02/12  - 2pm
Saturday  

 
The Invention of Hugo Cabret
By Brian Selznick 

This is for 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders who are reading beyond their level. 
    




Author Event
 
02/11/12 - 2:30 pm
Saturday



The Fury of the Bear 
by Greg Morton   

The Fury of the Bear is the first novel to feature Virgil "Bear" Ryan, a seasoned paramedic, sheriff's deputy and mountain rescuer, and his tight knit team from Colorado. A sixty year old plane crash in the Andes Mountains brings Elizabeth Rush, a well polished and well financed woman to their door, with a big job of salvaging the site, but very little information regarding its importance. The salvage of clues at the crash site has also put in motion The Fox, an expatriate American who makes his living in the dangerous world of high level espionage. When their paths collide at high altitude, the race to find an ancient treasure results in an avalanche of action and adventure! 

Author Event

02/25/12 - 2:30pm pm
Saturday 



Vladie: Story of a Trainer's Dog 
By Maryann Keck 
 
I looked at her brown eyes and she was giving me her canine smile. "What?" I said. She closed her mouth and cocked her head to one side while those big ears stood at attention.
This is a story of a dog, my special dog. I hope her story will make you  laugh, too.

Come meet Maryann Keck and share your stories. 
02/07/12  - 7pm
Tuesday   

 
The Call of Sedona Journey of the Heart  By Ilchi Lee

    





"Anyone can become the master of their emotions by experiencing the true spirit of Sedona -- even without stepping onto Sedona's soil, " says Ilchi Lee, author, Dahn yoga founder, and meditation teacher. 

Members of Dahn Yoga meditation circles will be demonstrating the century's-old, energy-based breathing and meditation techniques.  

Come experience this book. Get before and after pictures of your aura.

When we are in control of our emotions through meditation, we create better communities.







 

 

  

Activities
Phyllis Douglass
"Getting in Touch with Spirit"


Feb. 1 - Wednesday
7 pm





Come to an evening of spiritual rejuvenation and growth. A safe place to talk about other aspects of reality. Requested donation $11, but no one will be turned away.  


Murder Mystery Dinner
Feb. 4 - 6:30pm
Saturday
murder mystery


Audition for Murder

Philip Marlowe is taking a break from his detective work
to produce and direct a film he wrote.
He has invited the most famous stars to audition:   
Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Errol
Flynn, Grace Kelly, Peter Lorre and YOU.

Be sure to attend this casting call for what will be the next    Academy Award winning
picture.

Craft services (The Village Eatery) will provide
  a three-course dinner during this MURDEROUSLY fun show!  
 
 Held at Village Eatery
221 N Glendora Ave.

Tickets are $55/person
Ask about group rates 
Reservations call 626-852-1777  

"Raisin in the Sun"
A staged Reading 
with
Talk back with the Actors

Feb. 26, 2012
Sunday - 2pm 


Tickets at the Kirk Douglas Theatre inCulver City: $50 
Tickets at  
Village Book Shop: $15 
Your time and MoneySaved: Priceless 

 Raisin in the Sun portrays a few weeks in the life of the Youngers, an African-American family living on the South Side of Chicago in the 1950s. When the play opens, the Youngers are about to receive an insurance check for $10,000. This money comes from the deceased Mr. Younger's life insurance policy. Each of the adult members of the family has an idea as to what he or she would like to do with this money.   

   
 
   


 

      
 

    
       

DVD's New and Used
DVD Stroe
DVDs  
Buy and Sell
New/Used
DVDs  and Books on CDs
Video Games
DVD Cleaning
VHS transfer to DVD
Repair Xbox 360 Disc with rings  

 See Coupon below  
Allan -   
                               (626)335-4408
Located in the back of the Book Store
Enter from back or front.  

 
Like us on Facebook - Village Book shop DVDs


 
DVD Stroe     $2 DVD SALE CART
Come in and find that movie you been wanting!

Offer Expires:  02/29/12

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

NaNoWriMo time of year

So it is NaNoWriMo month. I have not blogged in forever even though I have meant to many times. It is now day nine of National Novel Writing Month and I have 27480 words as of last night. I have not done a word count run on the little bit I have accomplished today.
I am not feeling well. My whole body hurts and I just feel icky. There is a bump on my neck which has been there for months but in the last week or two has gotten a lot bigger and much more painful. Just the collar of my shirt brushing against this spot on my neck makes tears come to my eyes or when I bump it as I sweep my hair back with my hand. My pain level overall is high but the added ICKY feeling that can not really be described well is the worst part. I am just plain miserable but am working super hard to hide it. Trying really really hard to enjoy NaNoWriMo and other things and not burden others with my issues. It is exhausting.
My Nanowrimo novel this year is about a Vampire who lives in and around Disneyland and will be as accurate as possible when it comes to the facts about Disney. He has a human friend who does not know his true nature who he is sharing his knowledge about Disneyland with and helping her survive some difficult life circumstances in the process. Word count on this is fairly easy but getting the story to actually MOVE is the hard part. The plot stalls easy with so little action happening. I’m working on the lack of action issues now.
In other news I FINALLY GOT A NEW DARREN HAYES CD! I hope to have a review of the album written for the blog some time soon. Most of my writing patience is going into getting nano done so it might not happen soon. We will see. But now I should be off doing other things besides this blog!

Monday, August 1, 2011

August first, less than a week until the twins are 8

So it is a new month.  My computer has been with Best Buy's geek squad for nearly two weeks.  I'm using Marcie's old laptop which is slow but it works for the most part.  There are several things I cannot do with it like farmville or for the most part youtube etc but I have managed to be able to check email and pay bills and such so thats good and I'm very thankful to Marcie for loaning this to me as well as for backing up all the data from mine so it can be restored when I get it back.

My pain level has been extremely high lately.  And the depression has gotten worse and the inside people louder.  SSI has been reduced so there's another stress when I already couldn't afford things like groceries.

I finally received the registration sticker for my car today.  I will have to get it on there tomorrow.  I paid the rent and sent out the check for the car loan today.

I have a new tv.  It is a 32 inch Sony Bravia from grandma.  A brand new, not a hand me down, tv of my very own.  She got Kylee one too since Kylee recently moved out of the family home to live with her friend.  I currently have half a dozen tvs in my livingroom and at least one in the bedroom.  The only one hooked up is the new one.  I need to get someone to help me hook up one of the old sorta-working tvs in the bedroom since I pay for direct tv but have no way to use it in the bedroom since there is not a working television in that room.

I took the literacy training program at Monrovia library and started the application process but have yet to hear back.  I've been helping on tuesdays with the field trips to the movies and the park for the Peanuts Playhouse.  There's usually about a dozen kids ranging in age from 2 to 12 on those trips.  We see the dollar kids movie and then walk across the street to the park where the kids eat their packed lunches and play.  Dinorah's friend owns the day care.  Dinorah usually runs over to wendy's or something and gets us lunch.

I tried to do Camp Nano in July but the computer problems led to that being a failure.  I'm attempting again this month.  I've gotten about 2k words written today into googledocs.  it's slow going and frustrating since the computer is so slow i have to wait for it to catch up to whatever i type and often what i type never actually shows up and i have to back track.

Friday, February 11, 2011

February 10

I spent the day mostly resting.  I talked to grandma a bit on the phone but she was not in the mood to chat.  I am planning on going to Disneyland first thing on Friday morning so thursday night means preparing.  Showering needs doing.  Backpack needs putting together.  Weather needs to be checked so clothes can be picked out.  I talked to John early in the afternoon.  He called and talked to me about American Idol while he was heading to work.  There's a guy on there this season who we know.  Clint Gamboa.  He's the guy that won the karaoke contest we judged.  He was the first one they showed audition in San Fransisco:


I'm going to text my new Disneyland friend Dominick in the morning and we'll meet up at the park.  We met at the Micechat weekend.  I was originally gonna also meet up with another micechatter there but the whole drama llama thing is a bit more than i wanna deal with i think so don't know whats happening there.  Now time to get moving!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

February 9

I did not get to sleep until something like ten am and then didn't get up until sometime around four or four thirty in the afternoon.  I poked around online for a bit and then made a Red Baron fire baked pizza slide.  After eating I suddenly felt really really terrible.  Nauseous.  Light headed.  Headache.  Stomach ache.  Just icky.  When I tried to stand up to go to the kitchen I got dizzy.  So I ended up after a while of laying on the couch looking at computer rolling over and taking a nap.  The computer was hot and misbehaving anyways so it needed a nap too.
I finally got up to stay after 10:30 or so I think.  And of course got on the computer.  So nothing at all happened really.  Need to get stuff done.  I'll go try!


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

February 7 and 8

Monday was a blah day but a decent night.  It was the second time I went to the women's study group.  The lesson was "Winning over Worry"

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
-Matthew 6:34

This is something I really need to work on.  I worry a lot.  A whole lot about about everything.   I'm a worrier.  Always have been.  I'm working on it!







Tuesday was a not much going on day.  I sat up an email account for my mom for mando.  meh.  whatever.
I chatted online.  I'm doing laundry.  Planning a trip to Disney on friday with Lance and Dominick.  I should get some more chores done.  My apartment is such a mess.  Just don't have motivation/energy.  Need a push.



February 5, and 6

Saturday February the fifth was a lonely saturday.  Spent time chatting on micechat and then on facebook when the site went down for maintenance from 10pm until about 3:30am and tried to work on a list.  Was not a good night though.  I have not been feeling well both physically and mentally.  I am a mess.  I am not sure what sent me over the edge but I cut on saturday evening for the first time in a long time.  As I said, it was a bad night.  Was in a mixed hyper/depressed state.  The most dangerous mood there is.  It's when I get into trouble.



Sunday the sixth was Super Bowl Sunday.  I did not watch it.  I'll probably look online for the commercials at some point but I don't care that much really.  It was another not great night.  Did not feel well at all.  Hurting bad, stomach ache, migraine, blah blah blah.  And mentally spiralling.  Struggling bad and it's hard to hide.  I feel so hopeless so often.  I really try to find things to look forward to, like planning trips to Disneyland but it's hard.  I'm sick and tired of feeling like shit.  I'm tired of things not working like they should.  I'm tired.  



Monday, February 7, 2011

February 3, 4,

On Thursday the third I took my car over to a the electrical mechanic to fix my car.  It only took him a few hours and I put the $170.91 charge unto my credit card.  Dinorah ran me over to pick my car back up when he was done.  The mechanic had given me a ride back to my house.
I ended up sleeping from late afternoon until after eight or so at night.  I did not accomplish anything around the house really as usual.
Spent a lot of time on micechat.




The next day was friday.  A weekend night but in my life what does the day matter?  every day is basically the same.  i was home i was alone.  i was online.  i accomplished nothing.  i am useless and hopeless.  I dont know why i bother.  why face any days.  whats the point.  i wish i knew.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

February 1 and 2

So the month has begun.  Tuesday the first I was still too tired and sore to bother doing anything.  Just laid around wasting time.  Put off chores and paying bills or doing anything.  Just spent all day in bed with a bit of poking around online.



On Wednesday the second I was up fairly early.  Dinorah and I went for a short walk with sparky to my mail box.  Talked a bit.  She knew I was awake because she saw me post a farmville thing on facebook.
Later in the day I finally got myself over to pay rent.  Talked to my landlord Lucy for a little while.  She's fun to talk to.  I gave her my rent check and she gave me to alvocados off of her tree.
When I went to leave I could not get my car to start.  It wouldn't do anything so I went back up to the door and asked Lee to look at it.  The battery was the problem.  By this time the mechanics had gone home since it was a quarter to five pm but he managed to get my car working by using jumper cables to reconnect my battery.  The battery was all corroded really bad and the thing that is supposed to hold the battery to the rest of the car was broken.
I prepared myself to have to face a mechanic first thing thursday morning.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Janaury 31

Recovery time.  Did not do much on monday because I was still exhausted from the crazy weekend.  The month has ended and time to wake up to a new month and get into a routine.
Already looking for the next opporunity to get back to Disneyland.
Need to get in touch with the Volunteer director at Foothill Unity.
Bills to pay.  Things to figure out.  Brain needs to get in gear.  body needs to get in gear.
Just have to see what happens at this point I think.

January 29, 30 --- Micechat weekend

What an exhausting weekend!  But it was worth it!
Saturday morning Dillon followed me in his car down to the Disneyland Resort.  We got there early and ESPN Zone was not opened up for us just yet so we looked around Rain Forrest Cafe that is next to it and decided to use the restroom in Downtown Disney before we went into ESPN Zone.  As we were walking up to the restrooms who did we see?  We saw the current Disneyland President coming out from the door next to the bathrooms that leads to the "backstage" area.  I'd never seen him in person before but had seen many pictures of him and he was wearing his Disney name badge that says simply "George"  We tried to see where he was walking off to as we were excitidely discussing "THAT has to be him!"  but did not want to be stalkerish so did not follow and went ahead and used the restrooms.
Dillon found daddy?

By then it was late enough that they were letting us into the ESPN Zone lobby to check in for our pre-paid breakfast.
We mingled a bit with our fellow Micechatters and then found a table.   I went out to the lobby once they had the table set up to buy a copy of Jack Lindquist's book.  That's what this breakfast was about afterall!  Once most people had gotten their food and had a bit of time to eat our leader, Dustysage got up and did some talking and introduced a very special guest....the current Disneyland Resort President George Kalogridis!  So we found out where he was headed!

George K introducing Jack L

George K got up and talked a bit and introduced the very FIRST president of Disneyland, Jack Lindquist.  Then Jack got up and talked a bit.  It was amazing to be in that room.  The room was full of over a hundred die-hard Disneyland fans with two of the people who have played a huge role in making Disneyland what it is.  The co-author of Jack's book also talked a bit.  There was a slide show on behind them that Al Lutz had put together.
Current Disneyland President
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Jack Lindquist
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Dustysage thanking  George K and Jack L.

After the talking there was the book signing.  Long line of people. Jack Lindquist is a bit hard of hearing I discovered but soo sweet and spent a lot of time signing everyone who wanted a signature and speaking and taking photos.  And George K even stayed for a very long time allowing people to line up for pictures with him and signing stuff.  He easily could have bowed out.  He'd agreed to introduce Jack L. for a Disney fan community.  That alone was a big deal.  I'm very please to say that the current Disneyland president really seems to care about the fans and wants more than to just bring in as much $$$$ as possible, he also wants to make the guests truly happy.
Authors of "In Service to the Mouse"

Dillon Jennelle Jack Lindquist Melinda Combs

Dillon Jennelle George Kalogridis

After the breakfast was over and it was time to leave we had a chance to talk to Mrs. Lindquist for a few minutes while her husband was busy talking to other people.  We also got to meet his daughter.  The entire family seemed super nice.

The rest of the weekend took place inside the parks which requires admission tickets.  I have an annual pass but unfortunately Dillon does not so he left after the breakfast.  Saturdays events were all scheduled inside DCA.

We were to meet by the exit of Muppet Vision 3D at 11:30am for Mice and Go Seek.  Five of the moderators were introduced and then sent out to Hide.  We then had just under an hour to try to find as many as possible.  Each of those hiding had raffle tickets to hand out numbered 1-10.  The goal was to get as many tickets with the lowest numbers as possible.  I ended up running around with a guy named Tom who usually partners up with his teenage daughter but was there alone because she had something to do for school that day.  We walked quickly through several areas of the park but never did come across any of them.  Found out later that one was hiding in the locker room, another was hiding inside a tree in Redwood Challenge...don't know how we missed him since we were all over that area.  Another was over by Tower of Terror.  Another was in Pacific Wharf somewhere.  Not sure where the other was or the exact location of a few of them.  The first place winner had found 3 of the 5.  More than half of us did not find any.

After the awards were given out for that people all slowly moved from the Muppet area over to Pacific Wharf area for the lunch meet.  Most of us did not eat much or at all because the breakfast was so filling.
The second game of the day was Eye Spy.  For that we met over at Sonoma Terrace Golden Vine Winery just outside the Blue Sky Cellar.  Tom and I partnered up again but did not do very well.  We just guessed at the last minute.  I wish I could get my hands on an answer key because I still do not know what most of the answers are.

Tom left immediatly after that because he had to go pick up his son.  He did not even get to stay to find out the winners.
Whiel the game was scored we all filtered into the Blue Sky Cellar.  By now it was 4pm.  I have never seen that room so packed.  After a while they started letting people know it was time and we filtered back out to get the results of the game.
There was no official dinner meet but a group that calls themselves RCMC (Royal Court of MiceChat I believe) was having a meet up in Down Town Disney and one of the girls who was organizing that invited me to join them so I did.  The restaurant was Jazz Kitchen Express.  I got a popcorn chicken kids meal and ended up giving most of it away because I did not like it.  The chicken had a weird flavoring.  I think it was some type of cajon type thing.  But the conversations were good even if the food was not.
I was freezing tho because I loaned my jacket to a girl I was hanging out with "m.s. fighter" because she only had a tshirt on and I had a sweatshirt on.  I didn't complain though.  She gave me my jacket back before she headed home.

After dinner I went in the bathroom at the Grand Californian hotel before heading to the meet up in the hearthstone lounge there and put my thermal shirt on.  At the lounge many people were drinking and we played a trivia game.  I made it almost to the end of round one.  I was the third or fourth to the last person on our team.  They split us into three teams and then the last 2 standing from each team made it to the second round. And then the top two of those made it to the final round.  It was pretty fun.
I didn't win anything in any of the games but they were still fun.

After that we headed back into the parks for ElecTRONica.  Though people didn't stick together very well in this part as we did during most of the day there were quite a few of us scattered around the Hollywood Backlot area.
The park was closing at 10pm.  I could have headed over to Disneyland for a short while but since I knew I had another full day ahead of me I went ahead and left by 10pm and headed home.  The tram was a total pain.  I usually park in the Toy Story Lot since I discovered it but since I was starting the day at ESPN zone and leading Dillon to the DTD parking I went ahead and parked in the structure.  The trams were always a pain but since they added doors to the tram it's gotten even worse.


When I got home I talked to Dillon online a bit and to Margo a bit who i'd met at the the meet.  Then i got a bit of sleep.




On Sunday I was in the Toy Story lot bright and early.  I was into the park before the rope drop.  I took advantage of the empty shops on main street...everyone was outside on the street instead of the shops.  I looked around and waiting for the rope drop so I could head to Frontierland to meet up with the Micechatters for breakfast at the RiverBelle Terrace.  I got myself a Mickey pancake and sat with another "newbie" named Ann who goes by ChEars! on the site.  Was a nice breakfast and then we all headed toward the train station in New Orleans square for the grand circle tour around the park.  It started raining as we were on the train.  From there we all headed over to the Mark Twain Riverboat for a trip around the Rivers of America.  It was raining pretty good during most of this.  We still had plenty of time before the big noon hub meet so we all went on Thunder Mountain.  I've never seen so many people try the goat trick at the same time.  It wasn't discussed ahead of time but we all just did it.
By now it was time to head over to the hub.  Margo and I had talked online and then on the phone as we were getting ready before leaving that morning and she had said she would be there in time for the breakfast. But now it was noon and she had yet to show up.  I had tried calling her but just got her voicemail.  I finally heard from her on the Twain and she had locked herself out of her apartment and had to wait for a locksmith.  She called again during the noon meet and asked if I could run over to the monorail and get her.  she's in a wheelchair and was on the monorail already.  So I went over there and found her and pushed her back to the hub.  We arrived back at the hub just as everyone was moving to the castle for the group photo.  It was pouring as we stood there for the photo and the raffle.  When that was done people scattered to get food and meet back at the outdoor tables nearby.  The tables had umbrellas but where i was sitting the table was covered by not my back.
Margo and I went over to first aid so she could use the restroom then got pasta at plaza inn and joined the others at the tables. We sat with Ann.  Because of the rain most of us took refuge as soon as we were done in the Golden Horseshoe where we would be seeing Billy Hill later in the day.  We took up the first two rows of tables, most of the third and a few other scattered tables in there.  The show was good of course, always is.  And I videotaped most of it.  I haven't uploaded the vids (its in two parts) anywhere yet.
From here we all headed back over to New Orleans where we met up with D23's Disney Geek, Jeffrey Epstein.  He gave out some copies of the latest issue of the D23 magazine and did a little trivia game giving winners pins and patches and stuff.
The last scheduled event was going on Pirates and Haunted mansion as a group.  It was Character fan days tho and since with Margo in a wheel chair she woudln't be able to ride it with everyone very easily since she enters from a different way she wasnt going to go on those and asked if i wanted to join her in checking out the character fan day family fun weekend stuff instead.  Unfortunately they closed up the area early due to rain so we didn't get to see the rare characters.
I spent the rest of the day with her.  we rode the carousel and I'm not sure what else we did before we headed over to the other park.  We got fast passes for World of Color, we went on Toy Story Midway Mania, we got back up that damn hill which pushing her almost killed me.  I hate the pier hill.  Then we saw alladin.  sat in the front row.  They were having a meet and greet before hand so we saw some friends coming out from that and spoke to them briefly before we went in.
We then got to SIT for world of color.  Because she's in a chair we were in the disabled area.  There's a bench in there and I was able to snag a spot on it which is great since I was hurting bad by that point.
We watched a bit of the fireworks from the entry way of DCA and i took a potty break and ran into a couple other micechatters and exchanged some contact info with them before heading back over to where margo was parked and then into the other park.  Once inside Disneyland we saw that Ragtime Robert was playing in Coke corner so stopped in fora listen.  Mr. Daps was in there watching so we talked to him a bit.  When Robert had finished his set I was able to finally tell him how adorable his grandchildren are.  I'd seen their pictures on his facebook.  We then headed back to tomorrowland and watched Captain EO before catching the monorail out of the park.  She was parked in the Disneyland Hotel lot and so I went to her car with her and helped her get in her car and then she drove me over to the Toy Story lot.  We stopped on the way to the car to talk to a couple of the security guards who were just standing around.  They were nice.  Pretty much everyone who works for disneyland is pretty cool.

I was so sore and tired when I got home.  but it was worth it.

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