Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Finished my AV project!

Today I finished editing my video for the AudioVisual library class I'm taking. It's such a relief to be done with it. I showed it to Dawggy and he said it's awesome.

I need to go Christmas shopping soon and birthday shopping for Marcie and John. I hate shopping. Inever know what to get anybody.

Thursday, November 9, 2006

Not much to say...

It's about a quarter to two am. Dawggy's helping me with a list. I havea dentist appointment at 3:30pm. I'll be glad when thats over with.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Lately...

I haven't posted much recently. I'm halfway through the semester and am doing fine in both of my classes. I'm getting an A or B in both classes as far as I know (and hope). Next week I have to meet with Vince from DSP&S about a priority registration appointment for next semester. I plan on taking three classes (English 100, Typing Fundamentals, and a psychology class). If I feel too overwhelmed I may have to drop one of the classes, but I'm hopeing to be able to complete all three. The psycholoogy class is online and the typing class is partially online.

Mom has decided to not buy any more soda because we drink it too fast. I can't wait until I move out. Section 8 called me yesterday to tell me they need a few more papers from me. They're sending me a letter stating everything else they need. The hard part is going to be finding some place close that accepts Section 8.

I wish my back would stop hurting. I took a naproxen in class and an ibeprofin a few hours later. Neither has helped. Oh well. I can live with it.

Friday, September 22, 2006

I don't know what to say...

Dawggy said "blog" cuz it's on my list. Well umm what to say? I went to the dentist and had a rootcanal. Before that mom and me went to subway. For dinner I had a pasta trio tv dinner.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Back not hurting as much

Last few nights have been really bad for me physically. Today howver my back isn't spazzing as much and is only a mild ache. My hands hurt some but thats because i had a code red mt dew at school.

Jerry's helping me with a list. He's keeping me going. He knows I'm trying not to SI or give in to the physical pain and give up. He takes care of me.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Wednesday and thursday

It's wednesday now. I should go to clubhouse this morning but I prolly won't . On thursday I have to have a root canal. If I feel up to it after that I may go to the fair with my friends.

I'm starting to get tired so as soon as I get my bed cleaned off I'll prolly go to bed but I'm doing the bed a little at a time so it may take a while.

Back hurts

My back is killing me tonight. I took some Lortab which is helping some but my back still hurts. I decided to take Lortab (the strongest pain medication in the house) when the tears from pain began to leak from my eyes. I don't know why my back is so bad tonight, I didn't do anything strenuous today. In group today I had a hard time concentrating because of the pain. I'll prolly sleep in tomorrow and skip clubhouse. I just don't feel like getting up so early.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Following a list

Blog is on my list and we're at that point once again in the list. I don't really know what to say. I'm depressed. I want to cut myself oh so deep, but I'm working hard not to. Dawggy is helping me. Poor Harmony is sick as a dog. I never understood that phrase. Dogs aren't usually sick. Maybe when dogs do get sick its usually really bad? I don't know. Oh well. If anyone that reads this prays please pray for them to have a safe trip to see Dawggy's daughter and well health for the trip.

Another "down" day

I've been really depressed lately. I only get out of bed to talk to Dawggy and Harmony. I've been skipping the gym most days. I do study. Dawggy has been helping me with a list so I get stuff done. I have to get my room clean by wednesday so mom lets the cable guy come in and install cable internet in my room cuz Verizon DSL sucks.

to the moon and back - savage garden

Shes taking her time making up
The reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smile
And the look in their eyes
Everyones got a theory about the
Bitter one
Theyre saying mamma never loved
Her much
And daddy never keeps in touch
Thats why she shies away from
Human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now shes waiting for the right
Kind of pilot to come
And shell say to him
Shes saying

Chorus

I would fly to the moon and back if
Youll be
If youll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we
Belong
So would you be my baby

She cant remember a time when she
Felt needed
If love was red then she was colour
Blind
All her friends theyve been tried for
Treason
And crimes that were never defined
Shes saying love is like a barren
Place
And reaching out for human faith is
Is like a journey I just dont have a
Map for
So babys gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that shes hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
Just saying

Chorus

Hold on hold on

Mamma never loved her much
And daddy never keeps in touch
Thats why she shies away from
Human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now shes waiting for the right
Kind of pilot to come
And shell say to him
Just saying

Chorus twice
I'm not having one of my better nights but i've managed to hold back the tears tonight. i really want to cut my leg but i'm trying not to. i should go to bed soon cuz i gotta get up at 8 and its a quarter to 4. dawggy is helping me follow a list. i dont know what i'd do without him.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Second week of class

Today was the second class for Children's services. We got some handouts on how to do the reading assignment and the other major assignments in the class. Before class, at 4pm, I met Cindy and we did the lab work together. Tomorrow or wednesday I need to go take the quiz. The lab for AV that we did today was hard. We had to splice audio tape. Cut it, and tape it back together. It was very frustrating. My hands shake and my hand eye coordination has never been very good. We also had to record our name, the date and about 15 seconds of the third song on a cd. That part wasn't hard but I hate the sound of my voice on tape. After we finished the lab work Cindy and I went to McDonald's for dinner. We both had fish sandwhiches and fries.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

not having a great night

I feel depressed and urgy but I shouldn't. There's no reason for me to feel so shitty. I just want to cut and make myself feel better. I havent cut in a long time, weeks. School went ok this first week. I've been studying. My room is a mess which is frustrating becuase I just don't know what to do with it. I don't know where to put stuff. I want to put my stuff in my own place but that's probably never happen.

*cries without knowing why*

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

my throat hurts

I have a sore throat and a bit of a cough. I think it's just post nasal drip. I hope its just pnd and not something else that'll last longer. I started school yesterday. The Children's Services class don't look too frightening. The other class, Audio/Visual, starts tomorrow night (well it's after midnight so technically it starts tonight). That one feels scary. We'll find out soon enough how bad that one is.

Friday, August 11, 2006

just hold on

BOYZ II MEN LYRICS

"Just Hold On"

I know you've been going through some things
The pain you hold inside's written on your face
I know you're 'bout tired of the rain
Well, baby, so am I, but I know things can change
Well, you can die, you can sigh, you can cry, to your midnight blue
But that's not you, no, no
Cause I know you're stronger
It's apparent to me so do you

[Chorus:]
If you just hold on
I swear everything'll be okay
I know you're nervous
I know, but baby, give it some time
Things will go your way, my love
If you just hold on
I swear everything'll be okay
I know that you're nervous
Baby, give it some time
Things will go your way

I know it's been heavy on your mind
Baby, give him up, he's not worth your time
Where is it that says you need a guy
Well, you don't need his love to justify your life
So, he can go, let him go, make him go
You should want him to
So can you
I know that you're stronger
It's getting clearer to me
So do you

[Chorus]

So, don't let your defenses down
I know that somehow you'll work it out
I know
You should just believe in yourself, yourself

[Chorus]

I know
I know
[Fade out]

Monday, July 31, 2006

Narcolepsy- Ben Folds

I should warn you
I go to sleep
I know you don't
Know what i mean
Yet
I get upset or happy
I go to sleep
Nothing hurts when I go to sleep
But I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I know it seems that I don't care
But something in me does I Swear
I don't remember all last year
I left you awake to cry the tears
While i was dreaming
Oh I'm drowning
Save Me
Wake Me Up
I should warn you
I go to sleep
You won't know when
I go to sleep
Cause I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I just sleep

Why Georgia

Artist: John mayer
Song: Why Georgia
Album: Room For Squares


I am driving up 85 in the
Kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom
4 more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul

Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still "everything happens for a reason"
Is no reason not to ask myself

If I am living it right
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Desperately wanting to be productive

I've been trying and will continue to try to hide how deep the depression I'm stuck in is. I have to be strong, especially with Harmony. She's going through the worst days of the year for her, the days after her son goes back to West Virginia. She's in a very very deep depression. I have to do what I can to support her. It doesn't matter how I feel. I love her like a sister.

I spend most of the day in bed. I'm not always asleep I just do not have any motivation to get up and do something. Everything is a chore, even getting on the computer, which is what keeps me going most days, feels like a chore sometimes lately. I've been missing clubhouse and SIA (though I did go this week thanks to Marcie), and I haven't been going to the gym. I feel my life is a waste. I feel like giving up completly. I'm hopeing that starting school in a couple weeks will give me a purpose and help pull me out of this hole that seems deeper and deeper with each passing day.

It doesn't help matters that I have $10 in the bank. I can't afford to live on my own. I can't even afford to live with grandma. All I pay here is $300 including utilities and most of my food. How in hell will I be able to survive on my own? I desperately want to get out of here before grandma kicks me out. But everything is so expensive. I'm afraid I'll never be able to live on my own because of money. I'm sure I could live on my own just fine besides the being in debt part. I can take care of myself. I just don't have the money to do it.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

two worlds

Two Worlds Lyrics
Put your faith in what you most believe in
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lies we see

A paradise untouched by man
Within this worlds blessed with love
A simple life, they live in peace

Softly tread the sand below your feed now
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see

Beneath the shelter of the trees
Only love can enter here
A simple life, they live in peace

Raise your head up
Lift high the load
Take strength from those that need you
Build high the walls
Build strong the beams
A new life is waiting
But danger's no stranger here

No words describe a mother's tears
No words can heal a broken heart
A dream is gone, but where there's hope

Somewhere something is calling for you
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
Tu guide these lives we see

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Where You Want To Be

This video made me want to cry. I miss the Savage Garden days and the friend's that I met through the online community of SG fans.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

missed clubhouse

I couldn't get myself out of bed this morning so I had to go down to the clinic in the afternoon to pick up my medicine. I should have went to the gym while I was out but I didn't. I wish I could just go to bed and never get up again. I'm tired of struggling through each long day.



Sunday, July 23, 2006

It's too hot

The last several days it's been over 100 degrees Fahrenheit, it was only about 102 today (only?! haha) but yesterday it was over 110. I'm so hot that I barely move. I'm hot, depressed, tired, thirsty, and lazy. My room is about as messy as it has ever been and mom and grandma are bitching about it but I just can't get myself to do anything. Even getting on the computer is a chore lately. I hate myself. I cut today. Nothing bad, just a few scratches. I've wanted to do more all evening but am too hot to put on dark clothing in case I get blood on my clothing.

I've got my headphones and am listening to Savage Garden rather loudly and singing along with it. Fortunatly when I do that I can't hear my self sing if I turn the headphones up high enough. This is a good thing because I'm a terrible singer.

I havne't been able to quench my thirst today...sodas, kool-aid, oj, flavored water...still thirsty. We don't have any cold bottled water and I hate warm water and I hate tap water.

Both of our refriderators are on the brink so nothing is kept very cold. It sucks and we don't have enough money between the three of us (mom, grandma, myself) to go buy one new fridge, let alone two. I've got like $13 in the bank. I don't know what I spent all my money on.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

.gifs

myspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphicsmyspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphicsmyspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphics
myspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphicsmyspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphicsmyspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphics
myspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphicsmyspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphicsmyspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphicsmyspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphics
myspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphics
myspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphicsmyspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphics
myspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphicsmyspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphics
myspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphics
Photobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Monday, July 10, 2006

I cut again today

myspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphics

Mom went off yelling at everyone again today and I cut myself because I couldn't please her. It's my fault, not hers. Everything is my fault. I'm such a loser.

Today I registered for school. Let's hope I don't drop or flunk out again. I went to the financial aid office and turned in a paper they sent me in the mail. I was in line there for like half an hour.

I went to the gym for half an hour

That's pretty much all I did today. The hot sun gave me a headache.

Sunday, July 9, 2006

Spiders

I hate spiders. I found a big one crawling between my toes and a small white one on my arm within a few minutes of each other. I know they were real. I've been seeing spiders all over my room and feel them crawling on me.

My mom had a melt down today because we don't help her enough. I went in my room and cut myself. I still want to cut more. I want to cut the spiders away. I want to cut the feelings away. I want to make the world go away, even if it's just for a short while.

I'm supposed to register online tommorrow (well today now that its almost 12:30am) for Citrus. I'm also supposed to see my therapist at nine am. I don't know if I should skip therapy and register or just register later. I'll let it depend on what time I get woke up in the morning. Sandye and a busser both said I should skip therapy and register at nine so I'm sure to get my classes. I don't know what to do.

Thursday, July 6, 2006

Haven't had the words

I have not journaled, blogged or done much writing of any kind lately. I just haven't been able to get words down. I've been pretty down lately but I haven't cut since either tuesday or wednesday. I've found myself hopeing for death. I want someone to smash into my car while I'm driving alone. I want to fall in a pool and drown. I want to get run over. I want to slip and fall in the shower and never wake up. I just don't want to live anymore. The thing is, suicide isn't an option for me because it would devestate the people that love me. I know there are people who love me. I sometimes wish there wasn't so I could die without guilt. But, due to having friends and family that have told me they care about me, I can't take my own life. I just have to wait for God to decide it's my time to go. All I can do is hope that time comes soon.

I worked at the library bookstore today and didn't go to the gym again. I didn't go at all last week. I had an excuse everyday, doctors visits and such. I worked at the library this monday and the gym was closed tuesday for 4th of July. I went yesterday for only half an hour and today I worked at the library and didn't make it to the gym.


myspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphics

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

urgy and don't know why

Today I slept until about 4:30pm. Thats when Harmony called. I woke up very sore. Yesterday I was up at 6am. Marcie and I went to the Self Injury Anonymous meeting in Passadena. After that I dropped her off at her church. Then I went home for a while and took a 2 hour or so nap. Then I got up and got ready to leave again. I had to drop Kylee off at her girlfriend's house and then pick up Marcie and go to John's nephew's (Eddie) 6th birthday party. They had a giant water slide and most of the adults, including myself and my friends, all went on several times. We had fun. After that I ran home (taking marcie with me) and changed clothes then headed off to karaoke. We were at karaoke until about 1am then I took marcie home and went home, did a few small things, and went to bed a little after 2am (I think).

Right now I'm urgy to cut but I'm not sure why. I just feel this need to bleed. I'm not real anxious. I'm not really angry. I am a bit depressed and feel purposeless. My internet isn't working very well so I can't really keep up with the chatroom or read stuff on e2 cuz it takes forever to load. I want to bleed to feel human.

Lasted a week

I cut today. It was the first time I SI'd in a week. I want to SI more. Everyone in my house has been in a bad (angry) mood. I just couldn't stand the way I was feeling and I gave in and cut.

My mom told me today that she's looking for a place to move to and grandma said when she moves I have to move out too. I need to talk to Grace. I need out of this house sooner rather than later. I can't take much more of this life here in this house. Everyone walks on eggshells around here. Everything anyone does pisses off grandma or mom or both. I just wish I could die.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

one am

Marcie, John, Danielle, and I went to La Fiesta for karaoke. We got home like an hour ago I think, or at least half an hour. We had fun.

I still want to cut. Grandma made my mom cry earlier and I feel like it's my fault that grandma was mad.

I've got a headache. I've been having a lot of headaches lately. I think most of them are cauased by my sinuses now that I'm out of sinus medication. I should make an appointment with my family doctor and ask for something for my allergies.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Hot

It's hot today. I haven't written much lately. I went to Disneyland on tuesday with Elaine, Christine, and Robert from clubhouse. We had a good time. We went to both parks and went on several rides. We saw Fantasmic and the fireworks show. We played Uno while we waited for the shows.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

good enough - hoobastank

Artist: Hoobastank
Album: Every Man For Himself
Year: 2006
Title: Good Enough Print
Correct


I only wanted you to feel,
How I thought you deserved to feel.
The way you always said you wanted to.

You wanted all we have to be real,
And every word we say to be true.
Still after all I gave it's not enough for you.

Well, I can't give any more,
So now I'm ginving up.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

And the more I try to pour,
The less I fill your cup.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

I only wanted you to see,
That you can be who you wanted to be.
And fill the lonely void inside of you.

I gave you everything that you need,
Did what you always wanted to do.
Still after all I've done I can't get through.

Well, I can't give any more,
So now I'm ginving up.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

And the more I try to pour,
The less I fill your cup.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

Good enough!

I've wated my time!
Go find someone!

Good enough!

Well, I can't give any more,
So now I'm ginving up.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

And the more I try to pour,
The less I fill your cup.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

Enough, enough, enough!

Knott's Berry Farm yesterday

Me, Danielle, John, Jolie, Eddie (Jolie's John's sister and Eddie is her son) and John's cousin Julie, one of her sons and her husband, all went to Knott's yesterday. We went because Julie had a company picnic there. They let us all in with her so we had free lunch. I had a piece of chicken, two rolls with butter, and some ice cream and of course soda. I dumped one of my cups of Mt. Dew all over my lap. Besides that it was a pretty good day.

Julie had a handicap due to a car accident and rented a scooter. We didn't wait in any lines because we got to go in the handicap entrance. We went on a lot of rides including: xcelerator, Timberline Twister, Camp Bus, Lucy's Tugboat, Jaguar, Montezooma's Revenge, Dragon Swing, Hat Dance, Ghost Rider, Timber Mountain Log Ride, Silver Bullet, Big Foot Rapids, and Wilderness Scrambler(twice). We also saw Mystery Lodge.

Thursday, June 8, 2006

I can't take anymore of grandma's bitching

I'm crying. I can never do anything good enough so why should I even try to do anything in the first place, since I'm just going to do it wrong or not good enough. I hate my life. I feel guilty when I leave the house for any reason, grandma makes sure of that. I want to cut soooo bad. I'm trying to at least wait until everyone goes to bed first tho. I don't know if I can go that long. I can't stop bawling.

I don't know what to do. I just can't take it anymore. I just want to die so I never have to do anything wrong again.

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

Haven't cut since yesterday morning

It's been a pretty "normal" day today. I went to clubhouse. I saw Grace. She gave me a Vons $50 gift card. I used it. I went to the gym but was/am achey today so I only did the machines and not a video. I made dip and ate almost the entire thing. I talked to LostWarrior, Kiana, and of course, Harmony. I'm really tired today. I've got a headache. I didn't do anything particularly exciting really today and don't have any plans for tommorrow except to go to the gym.

Sunday, June 4, 2006

3am - Matchbox 20

MATCHBOX 20 LYRICS

"3 AM"

She say it's cold outside and she hands me my raincoat
She's always worried about things like that
She says it's all gonna end and it might as well be my fault
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams and her voice is straining

[chorus]

She says baby
It's 3 am I must be lonely
When she says baby
Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes
Says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it

She's got a little bit of something, God it's better than nothing
And in her color portrait world she believes that she's got it all
She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams and her voice is straining

[chorus]

She believes that life is made up of all that you're used to
And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days
She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway
But outside it's stopped raining

[chorus]

Away from the sun - 3 doors down

3 DOORS DOWN LYRICS

"Away From The Sun"

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

Oh no...
Yeah...
I'm gone...

Friday, June 2, 2006

it's hot

It was 100 degrees today. It's after midnight, I've got my fan on high and I'm still sweating.


Mom went with Kylee tonight to Kylee's banquet. She recieved her letter for choir and drama. She also became a thespian. I'm very proud of her. I didn't get to go because I had to stay home and help grandma with the twins. The twins were not on their best behavior. Grandma bitched the entire time mom was gone. I ended up cutting myself not long after mom finally got home. Dillon was at his friend's birthday party.

I can't stand being around grandma anymore. She's just so hateful. She makes me feel terrible. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to live at all, really. I hate myself and I feel totally stuck here in this house with grandma's constant bitching. I think I'd want to live if living on my own was an option.












Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Take a class at Citrus?

I got a catalog and filled out the application to go back to Citrus college. I don't know what class to take though. I don't know if I can even handle a class right now. I don't know what to do. I want to prove I can handle stuff on my own. I want to move out of grandma's house. Iwant to have something to do that matters, like homework. I feel really depressed and want to die. I am trying really hard not to si.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I wish suicide was an option

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I know I can't quit. I'd hurt too many people but I can't stop wishing death would come.

lithium - nirvana

Im so happy cause today
Ive found my friends ...
Theyre in my head
Im so ugly, but thats okay, cause so are you ...
Weve broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And Im not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
cause Ive found god
Yeah (x6)

Im so lonely but thats okay, I shaved my head ...
And Im not sad
And just maybe Im to blame for all Ive heard ...
But Im not sure
Im so excited, I cant wait to meet you there ...
But I dont care
Im so horny, but thats okay ...
My will is good
Yeah(x6)

(x2)
I like it - Im not gonna crack
I miss you - Im not gonna crack
I love you - Im not gonna crack
I killed you - Im not gonna crack

Im so happy cause today
Ive found my friends ...
Theyre in my head
Im so ugly, but thats okay, cause so are you ...
Weve broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And Im not scared
Light my candles in a daze ...
cause Ive found god
Yeah, yeah, yeah(x2)

(x2)
I like it - Im not gonna crack
I miss you - Im not gonna crack
I love you - Im not gonna crack
I killed you - Im not gonna crack

nothing matters

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I have nothing in my life that it matters whether I do it or not. E2 doesn't matter. Blogging is just a way to whine and complain. I thought about going back to school but I don't know if I can do it. I don't know what to do

withdrawing

I want to be alone. No friends. I want to be left all alone. I want to fade into insignificance. I want to be forgotten. I want to have a different life. I want to cease to exist. I feel lonely but afraid of contact. I want to SI and no one know about it.

I wish no one cared

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

If no one cared about me I could kill myself. I wouldn't have to feel guilty all the time. I wish that I had no friends. I wish the people at the clinic like Grace and Kelly didn't care about me. I know they care. They wouldn't have driven all the way over here just to talk to me last friday. Why can't I be forgotten by everyone that cares about/loves me? Why can't I fade into insignificance and then quietly die?

Monday, May 29, 2006

lost gas card

Grace gave me a gas card and I some how lost it between starbucks and the car. I looked all over my car and couldn't find it. I called Grace and she said not to worry about it but I am. I can't stop thinking about it. I cried. I want so badly to cry crimson tears.

at starbucks...

I’m at Starbucks on Lakes in West Covina. I’m waiting for Grace. She called and said she was running about half an hour behind. But she was supposed to be at 4…

She and her 15 year old son showed up finally. He got a drink then went to Best Buy. She’s gone to get something to drink now. I’m glad I came here. I like talking to Grace. She’s nice and she cares.

I drank a large Strawberries and Cream but now I’m debating whether or not to spend more of the money I can’t really afford to spend on a caramel apple cider. It might warm me up a bit. I’m cold.

What do I do now?

I don't really know what to say. I'm lonely. I'm bored. I'm urgy. I could call Grace but I think I'm driving her nuts. I called a lot this weekend. It's been a really long, hard weekend. I've been trying really hard not to cut. It's really hard. I feel the need to cut myself. The urges won't go away. I wish they would. I don't even know why I need to cut, only that I need to.


I hate myself and I want to die. I wish suicide was possible. It's not though. I hope someone smashes into me while I'm driving or a big earthquake hits and something big enough to kill me falls on me.







Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

one - u2

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You say

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One

One

been up since before 7

Its like 9:30am now. I've been awake a couple hours and haven't been able to get back to sleep. I called Grace around 7:30. She told me to try to go back to sleep and I could call her in two hours. I feel bad about calling her so much. I'm going to ask her if we can go someplace today so I have an excuse not to go to the BBQ at John's house. I don't know why I don't want to go but I just don't feel like going today.

I'm cold. I have my blanket on my lap and my bedspread around my shoulders. I cut earlier hoping it would help me get back to sleep but it wasn't enough. I really want to cut some more but I'm trying really hard not to.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Where do we go now?

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I feel so hopeless. I feel so helpless. No one can help me. Grace is so nice and spent a lot of time talking to me on the phone this weekend. I still want to cut though. I haven't since this morning.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I wish I could die without hurting anyone. I can't commit suicide. One reason is that I'd fail at it again and just end up in the hospital and not trusted to be on my own. Another reason is my family and friends. I would hurt them badly.

My internet won't stay connected and it's getting me really frustrated.

went for a hike and to the movies

I haven't cut since this morning. I didn't sleep much last night/this morning. I took a nap though. I went hiking with John and Danielle. It wasn't a long hike, only about an hour or so. Then we went to Jack N The Box. I had a chicken strips kids meal that came with french fries and applesauce. I don't know how many points it was. Now I'm eating a blueberry Special K bar. it's 2 points. Grandma was in a good mood when I left this afternoon but she wasn't and isn't in a good mood when I came home. After Jack in the box we went to Danielle's house so she could change and find her free pass to AMC theatre. Then we ran to John's house and my house so we could change pants cuz all three of us got our shoes soaked and our pants legs muddy from hiking. Then we saw United 93. I didn't care much for it and neither did they. I'm glad we didn't pay for the movie. We each had a free ticket.

I want to cut myself. I want to punish myself for going out with my friends. I want to cut because I feel lonely. I want to cut because I want to bleed. I just want to si. I don't even have to have a reason anymore.

not doing very good

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I cut many times last night/this morning. I want to keep cutting. I can't think about anything else. I'm in #bus trying to get my mind off of it. I've got headphones on and music turned up. I'm writing. I don't want to bother Grace anymore. I'll probably call her later though, she told me to if I needed to. *sigh* I don't know what else to say...

guilty

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Grandma made me feel really guilty and urgy. I went out with my friends even though grandma told me to stay home. My mom said I could go. Grandma wanted me to go to Kylee's performance again. I went last night. It's not my fault her friends couldn't go. It is my fault that I wasn't there for my little sister. I chose Chuck E Cheese with my friends over seeing Kylee's recital a second time. I've already cut some tonight but I want to do much worse. The whole time I was out I felt guilty for being there. Danielle wouldn't let me go to the bathroom because she read my journal and knew if I went in the bathroom I'd cut myself.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Again

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Grandma's in a bad mood again, which puts me in a bad mood and I want to SI. It feels like everything is my fault. I know not EVERYTHING is my fault, but I find myself believing that most things are my fault. Grandma burned the potatoes cuz my mom and me were on the computer reading her email together. If I hadn't of let mom use my computer the potatoes probably would not have burned. If I hadn't hooked up the internet in the first place grandma wouldn't be able to complain that internet is all anyone does in this house. If I could keep my room clean grandma wouldn't ALWAYS be mad at me. I want it clean but I have a hard time keeping it clean enough for her. I'm far from perfect. She seems to expect perfection.

*sigh* I really want to SI. I really want to cut and bleed. I really really am trying everything I can not to give into the urges because I don't want to give them an excuse to lock me up. Going IP has never helped me. It just made things worse. What I need is a place of my own and some sort of treatment designed to help people not to SI.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Artist/Band: Allan Gary
Lyrics for Song: Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Lyrics for Album: Tough All Over
Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

[chorus]
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way


But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

Writing cuz I promised to...

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Today I met with Grace and Kelly at Denny's. They made me write and sign a safety contract that said I would try to write and try calling Grace before I give into cutting. So here I am, writing. I don't really know what to say. I feel frustrated because no matter how much I clean and organize my room will still be imperfect, not good enough.

David won't shut up. He's one of the inside people. He's scaring Elly. I hate when Elly cries. He wants me to die, but he quiets down if I SI.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I've got headphones on with music playing loudly. That sometimes helps. My back hurts and I've got a slight headache. Not bad enough to resort to vicodin but I think I'll take an ibeprofin for my back....


Ok 800mg of ibeprofin go down the hole.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Hmmm, well I've tried blogging now...I can't find the write-up I was working on for e2 and that's really pissing me off. What do I do now? Call Grace? I don't want to wake her up. It's after 11pm...but maybe I'll call anyway.

Followers

Blog Archive