Sunday, April 30, 2006

/me sighs

It's been another bad night. I cut again and want to cut some more but I'm staying in #bus and trying to fight the urges and the pushes from inside.

I need to make a list, and actually follow it...

E2/room/write/read/other

E2 vote/search
floor
blog (here or myspace)
bible
email

the animal song - savage garden

When superstars and cannonballs are running through your head
A television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Subway makes me nervous, people pushing me too far
I've got to break away
So take my hand now

[Chorus:]
'Cause I want to live like animals
Careless and free like animals
I want to live
I want to run through the jungle
The wind in my hair and the sand at my feet

I've been having difficulties keeping to myself
Feelings and emotions better left up on the shelf
Animals and children tell the truth, they never lie
Which one is more human
There's a thought, now you decide

Compassion in the jungle
Compassion in your hands, yeah
Would you like to make a run for it
Would you like to take my hand, yeah

[chorus]

Sometimes this life can get you down
It's so confusing
There's so many rules to follow
And I feel it
'Cause I just run away in my mind

Superstars and cannonballs running through your head
Television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Animals and children tell the truth, they never lie
Which one is more human
There's a thought, now you decide

Compassion in the jungle
Compassion in your hands, yeah
Would you like to make a run for it
Would you like to take my hand, yeah

[repeat chorus to fade]

What's wrong with me?

I cut three times yesterday and twice the day before and I'm urgy still. I've been taking my meds. I've made progress on my room. Not a lot of progress, but some. I just don't feel good enough. I just don't feel good at all. I want to die but suicide isn't an option. I keep wishing when I drive that someone will hit me and kill me. I feel so hopeless. I feel so alone. I've been spending a lot of time in #bus, which helps some. Talking to Harmony helps sometimes too. Nothing but cutting actually makes me feel okay though. Even cutting doesn't always do enough. I can't cut deep enough.




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Friday, April 28, 2006

Another bad day

I cut my stomach today. I'm a bit urgy again but I can make it at least a little while without doing anything. People in #bus are helpful. Mom was pissed today. It's all my fault. Everything's my fault.

I've made some progress on my room. The closet is cleaned out and a few things placed in there neatly. The floor is still missing and so is the bed. Before too long I'll clear off the bed (making the floor deeper down) and get in bed to sleep. I have to be at the clinic at about 9:30am for clubhouse and to get my meds. I missed clubhouse on wednesday because I just couldn't get out of bed so I need to get there tommorrow, well today now since it's 2am.

I'm listening to Launch (yahoo radio). I'm using my votes. I'm working on my room. I'm considering taking a shower but think I"ll wait til tomorrow to do that. I'm too anxious to deal with the water right now.

The urge is getting stronger. I wish I could just die. I hate myself. I have it made and I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate feeling the way I feel. I hate depression. I hate my skin. I hate my whole body. I hate zyprexa. I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

I si'd again

Photobucket - Video and Image HostingI cut a little while ago. I was feeling hopeless and helpless and frustrated and just plain ol' upset. I cut my leg. Over an old cut. I'm feeling a little bit better now.

My room is still a mess but my family is all in bed. So I'm a bit more at peace. Not much, cuz my closet has exploded and my room was too cluttered even before that happened.

I wish I could get a node written. I just havne't been able to get in the mood to write one. I can't seem to get in the mood to do anything. I hate myself and I want to cease to exist.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

outta gum and way over my calories

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It's almost 1am. I don't feel the least bit sleepy. I have nothing but my thumb to put in my mouth. I'm completely out of gum and I went over my 1200 calories today by like 400. That's a major failure for me.

My hair is still wet from my shower. I don't particularly enjoy showering. I sometimes panic when I'm under the water.

I am urging to cut but I can't figure out why. Today wasn't a bad day at all. I did forget to go to physical therapy though. Just completly slipped my mind until this evening. Other than that I can't think of any triggers. I went to the gym today. I talked to Harmony, Dawggy, and his daughter Jess. I even made some progress on my scary closet. I got 2 boxes out of my room.

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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

crucify-tori amos

"Crucify"

Every finger in the room
is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell our now
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what God needs
One more victim

[Chorus:]
Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog
Beggin' for Love
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl
If you kill the bird
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start
my own religion
Please be
Save me
I cry

[Chorus:]
Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Hows it gonna be by third eye blind

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder
What are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder
Is there anything I'm going to miss
I wonder How it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there is no one to talk to, between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like...
The hammocks by the doorway we spent time in
Swings empty, don't see lightning like last fall when it was always
about to hit
me
I wonder how's it going to be when it goes down
Hows it going to be
When your not around
Hows it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be.
Hows it going to be
When you don't know me any more
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivian
Wanna taste the soul of your skin
The soft dive of oblivian
Oblivian
How's it going to be
When you don't know me any more
How's it going to be
How's it going to be

Just sitting here

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Mom is giving Hannah a bath and is going to give Daniel a bath when she's done. I should take a shower but I'll wait til everyone is asleep. That's what I usually do. I'm feeling kinda numb today. Not really depressed but not happy either. Just blah.

I've been to Disneyland Resort 5 times in the last two weeks. I'm not burn out on it yet. I can't wait to go again to the happiest place on earth. I always have fun there and it gets me away from my messy room. Going to Disneyland wears me out totally tho. That's the only downside, how tired and achey I feel the next day, but it's worth it.

I've been biting my fingernails a lot lately and I know this sounds childish but I sometimes suck on my thumb or finger. It relaxes me. I don't do it all the time, just once in a while. Image hosting by Photobucket

I haven't been doing very good on my diet. Today I've eaten a Rollo, an Andes' mint, 2 coblets of corn, and french fries. I'm trying to stick to a 1200 calorie/day diet but it's so hard to turn down the sweats. It's really hard to go out and not buy stuff, like a churro or ice cream at Disney.

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Monday, April 17, 2006

always love

Artist: Nada Surf Lyrics
Song: Always Love Lyrics


To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me
Always love? Hate will get you every time
Always love? Don?t wait til the finish line

Slow demands come 'round
Squeeze the air and keep the rest out
It helps to write it down
Even when you then cross it out

But Always Love? Hate will get you every time
Always Love?Even when you wanna fight

Self-directed lives
I want to know what it?d be like to
Aim so high above
Any card that you've been dealt, you...

Always Love? Hate will get you every time
Always Love? Hate will get you?

I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs.
You said?
Hey, you good ones.
Hey, you good ones.

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me...
Always love?hate will get you every time
Always love?hate will get you?

I've been held back by something
Yeah, You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah, You said to me quietly on the stairs
You said..
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Happy Easter

I got a new shirt, the new Rascal Flatts cd, a Verizon phone, and a bunch of candy for Easter. I'm doing pretty good today.


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My Wish - Rascal Flatts

I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

More then anything, more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and you always give more then you take.

Oh More then anything, Yeah, and more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

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Tuesday, April 4, 2006

Rascal Flatts - When The Sand Runs Out Lyrics

I spent the morning at an old friend's grave
Flowers and Amazing Grace, he was a good man
He spent his whole life spinnin' his wheels
Never knowin' how the real thing feels
He never took a chance or took the time to dance
And I stood there thinking as I said goodbye
Today is the first day of the rest of my life

I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here

Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out

'Cause people do it everyday
Promise themselves they're gonna change
I've been there, but I'm changin' from the inside out

That was then and this is now
I'm a new man, yeah, I'm a brand new man
And when they carve my stone they'll write these words
"Here lies a man who lived life for all that its worth"

I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here

Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out

Monday, April 3, 2006

Birthday

I had a good birthday. Mom got me a backpack purse and $25 dollars. Kylee and Dillon each got me a Rascal Flatts’ cd. John and Danielle bought me 2 pairs of workout pants and a shirt. Marcie bought me a hot/cold pack thingy that smells good. I ate 4 pieces of pizza and when we got home I ate a large piece of my chocolate/mint and chip ice cream cake. Tomorrow I’m going back to counting my 1200 calories and going to the gym.

It's my birthday

I went to the clinic this morning. Elaine brought in blueberry bread/cake for my birthday. Several people sang to me. Everyone thought they had to hug me. Caroline gave me a pretty felt bag. Maggie gave me some sticks you put in your hair. Later this evening we're going to Chuck E Cheese's. John, Danielle, and Marcie are all going to go too. My mom and siblings are all going too and I think my aunt Robin and her two daughters are going too. After that I get chocolate cake with mint and chip ice cream from Baskin Robins. I'm not counting calories today.

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