Friday, September 12, 2008

lost confused

I wish the world would end. I’m so lost. I’m so sick of crying. I’m so sick of hurting. My back hurts so bad again. Everything hurts. I have to see the psychiatrist next Tuesday. I don’t even know what today is but I know I’m dreading Tuesday. I always dread seeing him. He makes me feel so stupid, so fat, so shitty. He says I’m not depressed. Why do I cry all the time? Why do I want to die? Why do I hate everything, especially myselfs? Why do the inside people have to be so loud? I don’t know what happened tonight. I was struggling and I gave up. That was at least four hours ago. I wasn’t asleep. At some point I took a shower. I don’t remember. I’m not even sure who does. I’m scared. This can’t start happening a lot again. I can’t take it. No one understands. I can’t tell anyone. It doesn’t make sense to me how would it make sense to anyone else? I’m trying so hard not to SI again. I feel so bad though and it’s the only thing that might help me for at least a little while. I keep crying. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy like everyone says I should be? I can’t go on like this. I’m so scared. No one can help me. We’re so alone. So lost. So empty. So stupid. I stay logged into #bus all the time just so I can pretend I’m not alone. I talk a lot but no one really listens to me. They tell me I talk to much. They say I’m boring. They’re right but I can’t shut up. Most of the conversations in there are way over my head. So many of the regulars there are grad students and stuff. I’m a junior college flunk out. I feel so stupid all the time. Not just in there but whenever I talk to anyone anywhere. I’m always so confused. I hate it. My pdoc is going to tell me to lose weight, get out, and get a job. He always done. I can’t make my head or body work well enough though. I hate seeing him so much. I want to quit going to the clinic at all. I want to quit going to any doctor. I want to just quit eating. I want to quit hurting. I want to quit. I’m so messed up and no one can help me. Yes I’m lazy. Everyone tells me that too. I know it. I’ve always known it. I just don’t have the energy and I don’t know where to even start even when I manage to get up. I sleep a lot. I also space a lot. I don’t know whats going on a lot of the time. I’m lost inside my head with all the inside people arguing. Sometimes things happen and I don’t know it like taking a shower earlier. I don’t remember taking a shower buy my hair is wet and I’m in clean clothes and stuff. I feel so lost. I don’t know anything for sure anymore.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

A productive morning

I started a list around a quarter til 5am and worked on it all morning, well past time I should have gone to sleep. It's 10:30am now and I should really give up and go sleep soon since I have to make phone calls today. I got my bed cleared off, sheets and all as well as the kitchen table. I also got a lot of the stuff from the box separated and sorted and some clothes put away. I've also added a bunch of music to itunes.
I got 10 tickets to the Dodger game this sunday and emailed my friends. My sister and brother got jobs at a Halloween store and won't find out til saturday if they have to work sunday or not. Well I better clean off the couch and sleep a while.

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."-Fred Allen

Monday, September 1, 2008

I'm being productive for a change

I've gotten into a funk again lately. Happens a lot. Tonight I've managed to be productive though. I've been meaning to write a blog post for a while now but I haven't done anything lately but sit and lay on the couch and babble in #bus. I haven't done sweeps all week. My apartment is a total disaster area but I have been following a list tonight and getting a little bit done finally. I'm having a little trouble breathing now and should probably use my inhalor. I guess the heat, movement, and dust from some of the stuff I've been going through is getting to me.

I don't think I've blogged anything at all anywhere all month if not longer and there were a few exciting things in August. On August 2 John and Danielle came over. We ran to tacobell/pizza hug and got dinner then came back here to eat. After that we went and found the local starbucks. Me and Danielle both had gift cards. I'd had mine a long time. I had three, at least one of which was from this past Christmas. Another one was older than that I think. We played some Uno and then we played a game they got me for Christmas called Last Word (i think that's the title) for the first time. It was a lot of fun but after 8 games Danielle had won every single time and it was after midnight so they went home. I didn't sleep that day at all because I was taking Dillon to Disneyland early the next morning. The alarm was set for like 6am or so and I never got to sleep. I haven't been going to sleep until dawn.

We had a good time on that trip, we always do though. We got there right after it opened and did a few things there, got fastpasses, then headed over to DCA right after it opened, probably at 10am. We were meeting people in the picnic area at 11:30am from That was a bit awkward because most of them knew each other and neither me and Dillon had met anyone before and are not active on the site. They have a meet-up every sunday at noon. This particular week they were having cupcakes first though to celebrate a few birthdays. Most of them went to lunch after a while and we weren't hungry so went off to use our fastpasses and such. Throughout the day we passed many of the micechatters and waved.

The twins' birthday was this month as well. We had planned to get a jumper but plans changed at the last minute and the jumper was canceled and we used some of the money I won from a sweepstakes to stay 2 nights at the Plaza Inn Hotel and Suites across the street from the Disneyland main pedestrian entrance...well down a bit, more across from DCA. We got there late in the day on the 6th and had dinner at IHOP then went over to DL for a few hours. The next day were were back there by 10am and had hoped to do a character breakfast but it was $30 a piece for that and IHOP had come up to a ridiculous $90 or so the night before. We did have breakfast on main street though, just not the chracter one. The twins were pretty cranky that day from getting to bed late and up early. We all still had fun though.

We got home late on the third day and then the following night Kylee's girlfriend came over and I went over and grandma made spaghetti and we had cake. The twins finally got to open their presents. They had a pretty good birthday this year.

On August 17th Sergio, Dillon, and I went to Warped Tour in Carson. Dillon had been dieing to go to this all day concert. There were like 8 stages and around 30 bands I think. Katy Perry and Angels and Airwaves were the only ones I really knew. Some of the other bands were pretty good too though. I had won 2 tickets in a sweepstakes and Sergio agreed to go with us so I wouldn't have to drive so I bought his ticket and mom gave him gas money. I got really sunburned and so did Dillon. I had put lots of sunblock on that morning but I should have reapplied, and wore a hat.

I was sick too. When we got home from DLR I had a sore throat that got worse and wouldn't go away. I went to the doctor and was given an antibiotic and she did a throat swab to test for strep. The antibiotic was a 5 day one and the doctor's office called me the day I had finished it to tell me it was strep and I wasn't any better by then so they called in a second, different, antibiotic. By the time I finished it I was fine. The concert was when I was still taking the first one or had just started the second one though so I was pretty miserable. The sun burn did not help things. Sergio was also miserable. He has gallstones and has surgery scheduled for late september because he can't get off work before that.

Thanks to Labor Day I got my check on friday and was able to go grocery shopping saturday. I spent a lot more than usual but at least I have plenty of food for a while. Which reminds me...There are oranges in my fridge. I may have one in a little while.

It's almost 4:30am and I would like to get some more done before I sleep. I did not sleep well at all yesterday. Had reflux and couldn't lay down. Around 10am I finally managed to get comfortable propped up and slept about 2 hours. I got up and went to the bathroom but after a short while was able to get back to sleep. I had nightmares the rest of the day though. Waking up on and off. I didn't actually get up and on the computer until after 6 though. I was really tired and slept from 9pmish until almost 11. I've been doing a list since about 2am I think. I should get back to it now...