Sunday, May 9, 2010

My brother Dillon on Jimmy Kimmel

He can sorta be seen several times but at 1:51-1:53 into the video is a close up of Dillon watching his favorite band perform.  Not quite 15 minutes of fame but 2 full seconds on national tv ain't bad.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

"HURT" by NIN also performed by Johnny Cash

WARNING:  May be triggery.  

This song is how I feel.  I don't do drugs and never have but I do self-injure.  A needle doesn't tear a hole for me but a blade does.  





I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way





What it means to me:

I hurt myself today 

To see if I still feel 
I focus on the pain 
The only thing that's real 



I made myself bleed because I needed to feel something.  The sting of the blade on my skin is the only thing I know for sure is real.

Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

I don't want to hear anyone say that I can't do anything to make them leave.  I don't want to hear that you'll be my friend forever because you won't.  Everyone will get fed up with me and cut off all contact, just sort of drift away or will die and I'll be alone as it's meant to be.  The less contact I have with anyone the better because the less it'll hurt in the end when they're gone.

I will let you down
I will make you hurt


I am always letting people down.  I'm always hurting people.  I don't mean to.  I try so hard to be just how people want me to, and do what others want but I just can't do it.  I'm just not good enough.  


I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair


Yes I have a negative attitude and I know it but I have tried to be positive.  I really really have tried but I just can't find anything to be positive about.  I cannot stand to be called a liar but me acting positive is lying.  I'm not positive.  I'm NOT happy.  I try so hard to be but it is not the truth.  My head is all messed up.  My thoughts get all mixed up and I can't fix it.  



Beneath the stains of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

Time keeps moving.  I'm not.  Everyone moves on.   I'm left behind.  All my long time friends have gotten lives and interests and I have nothing.  I just sit at home staring at the wall.  I have disappeared and no one even cares.  




New template

Was tired of my old blogger template so played around a lot tonight with templates and finally settled (at least for now) on a Finding Nemo theme.  Dory, Crush, and Nemo.


Still feeling totally shit.  Lonely.  Wishing for the world to end.







Update:  Managed to change the little Nemo's on the side to little Dory's!  Didn't even have to speak whale to do it just shift through a lot of HTML.  

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Hopelessness

I am unable to deal. I can't face the world. I have stepped away from facebook as it was my connection to the world. I just can't read about people's happy fun times now. I just can't pretend to care. I sit here alone and cry. I cannot be a friend. I cannot take the disappointment. I cannot smile and nod. I just can't be who I'm expected to be. I'm not okay. I never really was. I never will be.

I'm alone. I'll always be alone. It has to be that way. I am not good for anyone. People occassionally talk to me but only when they have no other options. I am the pity case. I'm tired of being invited just because they feel sorry for me. I'm tired of people only calling me because they have a dozen missed calls from me and just want me to stop calling. I'm tired of feeling left out. I'm tired of being alone even among a group. I'm tired of being the outcast.

I am useless. I am a waste. There is no help. I'm beyond any kind of help, beyond hope.

I thought I was going to be a bridesmaid in John and Danielle's wedding but I am stepping away. I do not belong in their wedding. I do not belong in their pictures. I cannot become that person they expect. I cannot be the happy and dressed up friend with dyed hair. How do I tell them tho?

I just dont know what to do anymore. I've searched the internet for help in every way I can think of and am left even more hopeless than ever. I'm tired of going through the motions but i'm tired of laying here staring at the wall, the ceiling, the tv, my eyelids, etc. I really wish I could end it but I know I can't. I've failed before and that'll just lead to being locked up and making things even worse.


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