Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Take a class at Citrus?

I got a catalog and filled out the application to go back to Citrus college. I don't know what class to take though. I don't know if I can even handle a class right now. I don't know what to do. I want to prove I can handle stuff on my own. I want to move out of grandma's house. Iwant to have something to do that matters, like homework. I feel really depressed and want to die. I am trying really hard not to si.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I wish suicide was an option

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I know I can't quit. I'd hurt too many people but I can't stop wishing death would come.

lithium - nirvana

Im so happy cause today
Ive found my friends ...
Theyre in my head
Im so ugly, but thats okay, cause so are you ...
Weve broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And Im not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
cause Ive found god
Yeah (x6)

Im so lonely but thats okay, I shaved my head ...
And Im not sad
And just maybe Im to blame for all Ive heard ...
But Im not sure
Im so excited, I cant wait to meet you there ...
But I dont care
Im so horny, but thats okay ...
My will is good
Yeah(x6)

(x2)
I like it - Im not gonna crack
I miss you - Im not gonna crack
I love you - Im not gonna crack
I killed you - Im not gonna crack

Im so happy cause today
Ive found my friends ...
Theyre in my head
Im so ugly, but thats okay, cause so are you ...
Weve broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And Im not scared
Light my candles in a daze ...
cause Ive found god
Yeah, yeah, yeah(x2)

(x2)
I like it - Im not gonna crack
I miss you - Im not gonna crack
I love you - Im not gonna crack
I killed you - Im not gonna crack

nothing matters

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I have nothing in my life that it matters whether I do it or not. E2 doesn't matter. Blogging is just a way to whine and complain. I thought about going back to school but I don't know if I can do it. I don't know what to do

withdrawing

I want to be alone. No friends. I want to be left all alone. I want to fade into insignificance. I want to be forgotten. I want to have a different life. I want to cease to exist. I feel lonely but afraid of contact. I want to SI and no one know about it.

I wish no one cared

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If no one cared about me I could kill myself. I wouldn't have to feel guilty all the time. I wish that I had no friends. I wish the people at the clinic like Grace and Kelly didn't care about me. I know they care. They wouldn't have driven all the way over here just to talk to me last friday. Why can't I be forgotten by everyone that cares about/loves me? Why can't I fade into insignificance and then quietly die?

Monday, May 29, 2006

lost gas card

Grace gave me a gas card and I some how lost it between starbucks and the car. I looked all over my car and couldn't find it. I called Grace and she said not to worry about it but I am. I can't stop thinking about it. I cried. I want so badly to cry crimson tears.

at starbucks...

I’m at Starbucks on Lakes in West Covina. I’m waiting for Grace. She called and said she was running about half an hour behind. But she was supposed to be at 4…

She and her 15 year old son showed up finally. He got a drink then went to Best Buy. She’s gone to get something to drink now. I’m glad I came here. I like talking to Grace. She’s nice and she cares.

I drank a large Strawberries and Cream but now I’m debating whether or not to spend more of the money I can’t really afford to spend on a caramel apple cider. It might warm me up a bit. I’m cold.

What do I do now?

I don't really know what to say. I'm lonely. I'm bored. I'm urgy. I could call Grace but I think I'm driving her nuts. I called a lot this weekend. It's been a really long, hard weekend. I've been trying really hard not to cut. It's really hard. I feel the need to cut myself. The urges won't go away. I wish they would. I don't even know why I need to cut, only that I need to.


I hate myself and I want to die. I wish suicide was possible. It's not though. I hope someone smashes into me while I'm driving or a big earthquake hits and something big enough to kill me falls on me.







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one - u2

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You say

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One

One

been up since before 7

Its like 9:30am now. I've been awake a couple hours and haven't been able to get back to sleep. I called Grace around 7:30. She told me to try to go back to sleep and I could call her in two hours. I feel bad about calling her so much. I'm going to ask her if we can go someplace today so I have an excuse not to go to the BBQ at John's house. I don't know why I don't want to go but I just don't feel like going today.

I'm cold. I have my blanket on my lap and my bedspread around my shoulders. I cut earlier hoping it would help me get back to sleep but it wasn't enough. I really want to cut some more but I'm trying really hard not to.

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Sunday, May 28, 2006

Where do we go now?

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I feel so hopeless. I feel so helpless. No one can help me. Grace is so nice and spent a lot of time talking to me on the phone this weekend. I still want to cut though. I haven't since this morning.

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I wish I could die without hurting anyone. I can't commit suicide. One reason is that I'd fail at it again and just end up in the hospital and not trusted to be on my own. Another reason is my family and friends. I would hurt them badly.

My internet won't stay connected and it's getting me really frustrated.

went for a hike and to the movies

I haven't cut since this morning. I didn't sleep much last night/this morning. I took a nap though. I went hiking with John and Danielle. It wasn't a long hike, only about an hour or so. Then we went to Jack N The Box. I had a chicken strips kids meal that came with french fries and applesauce. I don't know how many points it was. Now I'm eating a blueberry Special K bar. it's 2 points. Grandma was in a good mood when I left this afternoon but she wasn't and isn't in a good mood when I came home. After Jack in the box we went to Danielle's house so she could change and find her free pass to AMC theatre. Then we ran to John's house and my house so we could change pants cuz all three of us got our shoes soaked and our pants legs muddy from hiking. Then we saw United 93. I didn't care much for it and neither did they. I'm glad we didn't pay for the movie. We each had a free ticket.

I want to cut myself. I want to punish myself for going out with my friends. I want to cut because I feel lonely. I want to cut because I want to bleed. I just want to si. I don't even have to have a reason anymore.

not doing very good

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I cut many times last night/this morning. I want to keep cutting. I can't think about anything else. I'm in #bus trying to get my mind off of it. I've got headphones on and music turned up. I'm writing. I don't want to bother Grace anymore. I'll probably call her later though, she told me to if I needed to. *sigh* I don't know what else to say...

guilty

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Grandma made me feel really guilty and urgy. I went out with my friends even though grandma told me to stay home. My mom said I could go. Grandma wanted me to go to Kylee's performance again. I went last night. It's not my fault her friends couldn't go. It is my fault that I wasn't there for my little sister. I chose Chuck E Cheese with my friends over seeing Kylee's recital a second time. I've already cut some tonight but I want to do much worse. The whole time I was out I felt guilty for being there. Danielle wouldn't let me go to the bathroom because she read my journal and knew if I went in the bathroom I'd cut myself.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Again

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Grandma's in a bad mood again, which puts me in a bad mood and I want to SI. It feels like everything is my fault. I know not EVERYTHING is my fault, but I find myself believing that most things are my fault. Grandma burned the potatoes cuz my mom and me were on the computer reading her email together. If I hadn't of let mom use my computer the potatoes probably would not have burned. If I hadn't hooked up the internet in the first place grandma wouldn't be able to complain that internet is all anyone does in this house. If I could keep my room clean grandma wouldn't ALWAYS be mad at me. I want it clean but I have a hard time keeping it clean enough for her. I'm far from perfect. She seems to expect perfection.

*sigh* I really want to SI. I really want to cut and bleed. I really really am trying everything I can not to give into the urges because I don't want to give them an excuse to lock me up. Going IP has never helped me. It just made things worse. What I need is a place of my own and some sort of treatment designed to help people not to SI.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Artist/Band: Allan Gary
Lyrics for Song: Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Lyrics for Album: Tough All Over
Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

[chorus]
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way


But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

Writing cuz I promised to...

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Today I met with Grace and Kelly at Denny's. They made me write and sign a safety contract that said I would try to write and try calling Grace before I give into cutting. So here I am, writing. I don't really know what to say. I feel frustrated because no matter how much I clean and organize my room will still be imperfect, not good enough.

David won't shut up. He's one of the inside people. He's scaring Elly. I hate when Elly cries. He wants me to die, but he quiets down if I SI.

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I've got headphones on with music playing loudly. That sometimes helps. My back hurts and I've got a slight headache. Not bad enough to resort to vicodin but I think I'll take an ibeprofin for my back....


Ok 800mg of ibeprofin go down the hole.

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Hmmm, well I've tried blogging now...I can't find the write-up I was working on for e2 and that's really pissing me off. What do I do now? Call Grace? I don't want to wake her up. It's after 11pm...but maybe I'll call anyway.

Mom and grandma angry

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Kelly and Grace were supposed to come today and confiscate my blades. Fortunately mom was going somewhere so she told them not to come. Mom and grandma were both angry at the idea of them coming here. I know I'm going to catch hell when they come next friday.

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Thursday, May 25, 2006

bad day

Photobucket - Video and Image HostingMy mom called the clinic today. Grace and Kelly took me in the crisis room and made me show them my legs stomach, and breasts. They talked to my mom on speaker phone. The doctor changed my med from seroquil back to risperdal. kelly and grace are going to start coming to my house every week to confiscate my blades but i'm not going to tell them where they are. i've been in a bad mood all day. i wish my mom and siblings had internet working on their computer so they'd leave me and my computer alone.

santa monica - savage garden

In santa monica in the winter time
The lazy streets so undemanding
I walk into the crowd
In santa monica you get your
Coffee from
The coolest places on the
Promenade
Where people dress just so
Beauty so unavoidable everywhere
You turn
Its there I sit and wonder what am i
Doing here

But on the telephone line i
Am anyone
I am anything I want to be
I could be a super model or
Norman mailer
And you wouldnt know the
Difference
Or would you

In santa monica all the people got
Modern names
Like jake or mandy
And modern bodies too
In santa monica on the boulevard
Youll have to dodge those
In line skaters
Or theyll knock you down
I never felt so lonely
Never felt so out of place
I never wanted something more
Than this

But on the telephone line i
Am anyone
I am anything I want to be
I could be a super model or
Norman mailer
And you wouldnt know the
Difference
On the telephone line I am
Any height
I am any age I want to be
I could be a caped crusader or
Space invader
And you wouldnt know
The difference
Or would you

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Dublin Sky - Darren Hayes

I've been down a lonely street tonight
And I don't know what's wrong with me
I don't know what's wrong with me

But clouds cover up a Dublin sky
I don't know what's left of me
I don't know what's right with me

And I tried to keep my distance
And I've sung Amazing Grace
I've tarnished all our memories
But there'll always be a trace of you
Of you

I remember laughing on that river's edge
Trying to get you to jump with me
Trying to get you to fall for me

And your trembling heart it beats so fast
Holding hands you promised me
Holding hands we counted to three

And I felt your slipping fingers
And I saw you change your mind
If I hadn't dragged you in with me
You would have left me dive without you
Without you

Yeah they send you all the way from Hollywood
And maybe that Dublin sky was changing you
It put diamonds in your eyes
I always thought we were gonna make it through
But I wanted to hear it first from you

How many days am I gonna regret you?
How many nights till I forget you?
Have I been wasting all those years
Held down by these tears
How many dreams have I left deserted?
How many hopes have been diverted?
Have I been buried in the dirt
Held down by this hurt
And how many lows did I let you highjack
How many ways can I study the playback
How did I end up lying here
Crying underneath a Dublin sky?
How many days am I gonna regret you?
How many nights till I forget you?
Have I been wasting all these years?
Drowning in my tears
How many nights am I gonna regret you?
How many days till I forget you?
Have I been wasting all these years
Drowning in my tears?

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Slipping into eternity


Nothing interesting happened today. I picked up Kylee and Dillon from school. I went to the gym. I cut. I got bawled out by grandma. Same shit, different day.

So why am I bothering to blog? I honestly don't know. I have nothing profound to say. I have nothing important to tell anyone. I have no purpose in life. I am a lucky sumbitch. I have friends who care. I have friends who love me.

Tommorrow I will most likely be spending the day at Disneyland Resort with two of my friends and my little brother. I kinda wish my brother wasn't going but I feel bad about leaving him home. Kylee don't want to go.



Aren't they adorable? I wish Hannah wasn't so mean to me. She hardly ever loves on me. She likes to kick, hit, and bite me for no particular reason. This picture was taken today at Babies R Us.

Friday, May 19, 2006

"Wash Away Those Years -Creed

"Wash Away Those Years"

She came calling
One early morning
She showed her crown of thorns
She whispered softly
To tell a story
About how she had been wronged
As she lay lifeless
He stole her innocence
And this is how she carried on
This is how she carried on

Well I guess she closed her eyes
And just imagined everything's alright
But she could not hide her tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years

My anger's violent
But still I'm silent
When tragedy strikes at home
I know this decadence Is shared by millions
Remember you're not alone
Remember you're not alone

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years

For we have crossed many oceans
And we labor in between
In life there are many quotients
And I hope I find the mean
the mean, the mean

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years
I hope that you can wash away those years

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

A Thursday at Disneyland

We had a pretty good day. Disneyland wasn't very crowded. The twins went on Monster's Inc., Mike and Scully to the Rescue for the first time. I think they liked it. Kylee and Dillon went off on their own for most of the day. Poor Daniel was constipated and had a stomach ache most of the day so I carried him a lot. I started my period this morning, and my backpack was heavy today...so my back is killing me now. Oh well. It was worth carrying the backpack for the snacks and drinks and it was worth carrying Daniel to make him more comfortable. Sitting on the ground for the parade and sitting on the floor for Playhouse Disney Live didn't help much either.

I've been eating WAAAAY too much lately. Starting tomorrow I'm counting calories (or points if I can find my book and calculator). I'm going to get serious about losing weight. I'm going to go to the gym 5 days a week (unless I go to Disneyland during the week) and doing some sort of exercise at home at least 6 days a week. I'm going to county points. I WILL lose weight. I WILL control my eating. I WILL exercise. I must.

I missed Sandye today. I usually talk to her EVERY day but today I went to Disneyland with my family and didn't get a chance to call her.

I didn't cut at all at Disneyland but I cut when I got home (after everyone went to bed). I put ointment on the cuts that are possibly infected and on some of the fresh cuts. I used a fresh, good, blade. I didn't cut too deep though. I want to SI more. I'm in #bus which helps some. I don't know if it'll be enough to keep me SI free for the rest of the night. I really really want to cut.

Monday, May 15, 2006

A day at Disneyland with Elaine

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Elaine and I spent the day at the Disneyland Resort. We started off at California Adventures and then went to Disneyland in the early afternoon. We went on all the big rides in both parks except for the Matterhorn bobsleds. We ate cotton candy and churros. She bought her 4 year old grand daughter a pretty Minnie Mouse ear hat. We both had Ravioli for dinner. She liked the same rides I like. We went on Soarin' Over California and Astro Blasters twice each. It was a good day. I didn't cut myself all day until I got home. I waited until everyone was asleep before I did it. I didn't cut deep. I wanted to but I restrained myself from doing any serious damage.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

"...mutilation out of sight and I'm contimplating suicide..."

I know suicide is not an option but I can't stop thinking about death. Ways to die. Reasons not to go on. I'm not going to kill myself. I just can't stop thinking about that. The only thing that helps relieve some of the tension of these thoughts is SI. I haven't done it at all today and it's 11:30pm. I really need to but I've tried and am trying every coping mechanism I know. I've got headphones on, turned up high to drown everything out. I'm listening to my favorite band, Savage Garden. I'm singing along and ignoring the world. I've been in the #bus chatroom all day/night. I'm writing. I don't know what else to do.

T
R
I
G
G
E
R

W
A
R
N
I
N
G


I want to cut so bad. I want to cut deep. I want to cut a lot. I want my arms and legs, stomach, and chest to drip blood. I want to play with the blood. I want to carve words into my legs. Die Bitch Die.

E
N
D

T
R
I
G
G
E
R

WTF is wrong with me? I have no reason to feel so depressed. There was no trigger to make me want to cut so bad. Or at least, there are no external triggers. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so hopeless. I feel an emptyness within me. Part of me is missing. It's been missing a long long time now. Someone took it away from me when I was just a little girl I think. I don't know. I don't know anything for sure besides the fact that I'm miserable and don't want to live but can't kill myself because it would hurt too many people too badly. I have to keep reminding myself that there are people who care about me and would be hurt if I died. I don't want to hurt anybody...

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while my internet was down...

I don’t know what to do right now so I’m just going to type whatever my fingers want to type. I really want to go cut myself but I don’t want to get caught so I’m trying not to give into the strong urges I’m having. I have my headphones on blasting Savage Garden. I’ve drowned out the world completely. It’s just me and my music and my computer. Nothing else matters right now. Just keep typing. Just keep listening to the music. Feel your fingers move across the keyboard. Hiccup. I hate the hiccups. I really miss having the internet right now. Three more days. Three more long days.

The dish network guy is in my room. I’m sure he heard me singing but I don’t care. My headphones are up as loud as they go so I’m sure he can hear my music. Just keep typing. Ignore the world. Do not listen to anyone. Inside or outside. Just shut it all out. You can do this. You’ve done it before.

A thousand words will give the reason why I don’t need you anymore.

The cable guy left. I feel kinda hungry but don’t know what I want and already cheated on my diet today by eating a couple of junior mints and 2 thick pieces of cheese. So I shouldn’t eat anything else until dinner. More gum. Bubblegum.


5/8/2006 11:26 PM
I’m in a phase where cutting is enjoyable. It’s fun in a way. I’ve gone through a phase like this before, back when I first started SI’ing. I’m sure I’ll get over it in time. I’m sure my legs will heal back up and I’ll be able to go weeks at a time without SI. Right now I can’t go a full day without SI. I SI at least 3 times a day now. I want to do it right now. I wonder why I bother to attempt not to do it. I almost always end up doing it anyways lately. I need to see myself bleed. Just sit and watch the blood drip down my leg. I so wish I could cut up my arms but its summer weather now, which means short sleeves. Short sleeves means questions. I don’t want to try to answer the questions. If I tell the truth people are afraid of me and want to see me locked up. If I lie I feel guilty. It’s better just to force myself to stick to places easily hidden by my clothing.

5/8/2006 11:57 PM
I didn’t even try to stop it. I just cut. Only one cut this time, which is unusual for me, I usually cut in fives. I used a brand new blade and cut my lower left leg. It bled good. Unfortunately some of the blood got on my blue pants. Grandma will probably notice it tomorrow. I hope she don’t. I hate them knowing I do it. I only talk about it with my close friends and my therapists. I don’t like talking about it with my therapists but I do it so that they can help me. I want to quit cutting eventually. I’m not ready to give it up right now though.

5/9/2006 1:05 PM
My pants leg is covered in blood. Mom hasn’t noticed it yet. Hopefully she wont notice it at all. I didn’t realize I’d bled that much until I saw my pants leg when I crossed my legs a few minutes ago while I was eating a cherry yogurt.

5/9/2006 5:21 PM
I haven’t cut yet today. I really really REALLY want to though. I’ll have to change clothes to do it though. I’m about ready to put my pajamas on and cut my legs up some. I got to get on the kids’ computer today while mom went to pick Dillon up and take him to the dentist. I got to talk to Sandye for like 45 minutes or so. She made me feel guilty for cutting. Said I’m messing up God’s temple. Told me to pray for strength not to cut. I tried but the best I could do was pray I don’t cut to deep or get caught cutting. I’m sorry. I’m not ready to give up cutting right now.


5/9/2006 7:31 PM
I’m so fat. It’s my own fault. Like for dinner I had 4 cheese tacos with lots of cheese and a little bit of chicken. FOUR cheese tacos is way too much. I just put my pajamas on. I had to go pick up Kylee from school earlier. Then we had to go to the El Pollo Loco by her school so she’d get extra credit because the wrestling team was doing a flyer fundraiser today.
I just cut myself. Only one cut. I want so bad to cut four more times. You know what, I don’t care, I’m going to do it….

I’m such a loser. I feel like such a failure but the cutting is the only thing that calms my mind like that. Blood is dripping down my leg. I like to watch the blood drip down my leg. I’m sick, I know it. I need help. I need to work on accepting the help I’ve got.

5/10/2006 12:23 AM
My hair is still wet from the shower I took a little bit ago. I didn’t cut while I was in the shower but I cut a little before the shower. I washed most of the blood off but my leg started bleeding again when I was in the shower and I put one of my last couple bandaids on the kinda deep cut that is bleeding. My lower stomach was also bleeding a bit and it got on my granny underwear. Owello. It’s bound to happen from time to time when I’m in this phase.
The inside people are still around of course. They don’t come out like they used to though. Sometimes I miss that cuz it meant giving up control and just letting someone else do whatever it was for me. Other times I realize this means I’ve gotten better.
I just sit, wordless, a lot lately. I don’t know what to say but I have nothing else to do and my heads a mess and needs organizing. Cutting and writing are the only things that help to organize my mind.


5/10/2006 10:37 PM
Today was a long day. It started when I rolled out of bed just before 9:30am…the time which I should have already been there at the clinic. I got to the clinic a little after 10am. Dr. Mark was in there talking to the group. Normally it’s just the clients talking to each other from 9:30-10:30am. He was asking what could be done to improve clubhouse and what we like and don’t like about how clubhouse is now. After that clubhouse went on as normal on a Wednesday except the group was smaller than usual. Grace pulled me out of group toward the end of it to discuss how I was feeling about the “incident” on Monday. I didn’t and still don’t think of what happened as an incident. The facilitator on Mondays now is Dr. Cruz, a psychologist. She’s filling in for Sue, a nurse, because Sue recently had surgery on her hand for carpal tunnel. Dr. Cruz is a bitch and thinks she’s better than us. I told Grace the truth, I don’t like Dr. Cruz and will be skipping clubhouse on days I don’t have to be at the clinic anyways to see my therapist, Kelly. After clubhouse Grace said the doctor would meet with me at 12:30pm so I went to Subway’s next door and got a 12 inch cheese sandwich, a bag of green onion baked Lays chips, and a soda. I ate the chips and half the sandwich and saved the other half for dinner.
The doctor didn’t see me at 12:30 but did see me after Living Well group. I admitted in group and to the doctor and Grace that my cutting has increased to as much as 4 times a day on bad days. The doctor, Grace, and Sue all had to look at my legs. They said they’re infected and I need to see my family doctor. So I have to remember to call Dr. Girgis tomorrow. The doctor took me off Zyprexa and I’ll start taking Seroquel Friday. I forgot to take my meds today. But I didn’t miss my night time dose just the Buspar this morning and afternoon. My night meds are the important ones.
Danielle and John picked me up around 5:30. We went to McDonald’s. I had already eaten my sandwich so I sort of cheated and got a small hot fudge sundae. I don’t think it put me over 1200 calories by very much though since the chips were low fat and the sandwich was quite a few but not THAT much, I’m sure. We went to Target so Danielle could get her mom her mother’s day gift. She got her 2 DVDs. Then we went back to Danielle’s house and went walking. After we walked we played on her computer until American Idol came on. I showed them a couple of Group X songs. It made them laugh. Then we watched American Idol and Unanimou$e. After that she took us home.
I managed not to cut most of the day. I finally gave into the urge when John was checking his email on Danielle’s laptop. I went in her bathroom and cut my stomach 15 times. Very shallow cuts. I want to cut my arm right now, but I’m fighting it as best as I can.
Grandma walked in on me while I was putting on my pajama pants a little while ago. She asked “why do you do that to yourself?” I said “I don’t know”. I really don’t. it’s just something I feel compelled to do.

5/10/2006 11:44 PM
I cut my arms a little bit. I can’t cut as deep on my arms as I do my legs because I can’t pull the skin tight.

Monday, May 1, 2006

As soon as I got home (poss triggers)

I went to the clinic today. I saw my therapist and went to clubhouse. As soon as I got home I went in my room, closed the door, and cut my leg. It didn't bleed enough. I want to cut more. Deeper. Longer. Wider. I want to punish myself for cheating on my diet again. I ate a honeybun and a bowl of oatmeal. The oatmeal was 200 calories so that was okay as my breakfast but I shouldn't have had the honeybun. I want to cut my breasts to punish myself. It usually hurts when I cut my breasts. Other places don't always hurt.


I just cut my breast. I'm so stupid. What's wrong with me? Why am I suddenly so screwed up when I was doing so "good" before?!

Train - Give myself to you

When I find out who I am
I'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I'm gonna give myself to you

Is this forever
This feeling I've got
Not enough and too much
So free and cornered
And something and nothin
Both at the same time
I'm either out of my head
Or I'm out of my mind

When I find out who I am
I'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I'm gonna give myself to you

Is this forever
This feeling that I'm not movin at all and I just cant stop it
It's like I'm dreaming
And I'm wide awake too
Will you remember me
Cause I wont forget you

When I find out who I am
I'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I'm gonna give myself to you

I guess I was savin my life for later
Or maybe I should have been givin myself to you
Now I will but I got to find out who I am before I do
Before I do

When I find out who I am
I'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I'm gonna give myself to you
When I find out who I am
I'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I know, I'm gonna give myself to you
I'm gonna give myself to you
I'm gonna give myself to you

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