Sunday, April 25, 2004

@ TheDeadGuy: All these ideas and thoughts bouncing around in our minds, demanding we take a pen and write them down, and yet, the curse of the writer is always trying to focus those thoughts and energies. It is why we all go crazy in the end.(19:37:28) DreamerA00: *nods in agreement*
(19:38:21) DreamerA00: except i tricked them, and i was crazy before hand and flipped it and said long ago that the insane ones were only such because they saw the way things were and are trying their best to cope

The time for crying,
It is here again
My eyes keep trickling
Tears roll down to my chin

Saturday, April 24, 2004

more /msgs

These were from Ed, in response to a discussion on self-injury in the bible. I still haven't looked these up.

2003.10.06 at 23:45 EggZ says Luke 8:26-39 speaks of a madman.
2003.10.06 at 23:49 EggZ says Mark 5:1-20 speaks more of said madman. Note 5:5 especially.
2003.10.06 at 23:54 EggZ says Matthew 8:28-34 speaks more of madmen not sure if they're related to the other two passages.
2003.10.07 at 00:00 EggZ says I learned about the Madman of Gadarenes on one of the bus rides to or from church this past Sunday. I only remembered the Luke passage mentioned but I did Google research, cuz I could not find where it said he was a cutter, and found mentions to the other
2003.10.07 at 00:00 EggZ says two. I hope you and me can share in the knowledge of such a good book. Love, Ed.

Friday, April 23, 2004

e2tv group conversation

2004.03.24 at 19:54 (e2tv) Servo5678 says bluebird_is_sad has joined us.
2004.03.24 at 19:55 (e2tv) TanisNikana says Good day to you. Now, have a seat over here on the couch, and stare into the bluish glow...
2004.03.24 at 20:02 (e2tv) skybluefusion says /me panics...she's misplaced her tv remote! She'll have to step away from the computer to turn the tv back on!
2004.03.24 at 20:06 (e2tv) Servo5678 says The only rule of e2tv is that you must spend most of your time in front of glowing screens.
2004.03.24 at 20:07 (e2tv) TanisNikana says Gameboy Advance SP, computer, TV, wristwatch, phone, microwave, I think that's all the screens I got.
2004.03.24 at 20:36 (e2tv) skybluefusion says well i sleep with my computer (laptop) on the bed with me, and always on. Does that qualify me? ;P
2004.03.24 at 21:20 (e2tv) Servo5678 says I'd say that qualifies. Bonus points for cuddling with it ;-)
A conversation from the [distracted noders] group:
(it's fun!)

2004.03.29 at 03:12([distractednoders]) [nocte] says I was just curious if there was anyone else who says "SCREW ALCOHOL! I’m Gonna hit the NUTRASWEET hard tonight!" *shrugs* =)

2004.04.04 at 12:20([distractednoders]) [TanisNikana] says I would just like to remind you all that Ernie could kick Bert's ass in a fair fight. Oh, yeah. And you lot are also in distractednoders.

2004.04.04 at 13:24([distractednoders]) [skybluefusion] says NO WAY! Bert wyoud totally turn around and hit ernie into last week! it's always t he quiet ones...

2004.04.04 at 18:00([distractednoders]) [briglass] says Let's ride bikes!

2004.04.04 at 19:02([distractednoders]) [bishopred1] says ]Snuffy the Snuffle-upagus|SNUFFY SMASH!]

2004.04.09 at 04:47([distractednoders]) [TanisNikana] says So, how long do y'all think we can talk about stuff before we stop?

2004.04.09 at 05:51([distractednoders]) [skybluefusion] says Oh for a long time! i'd say for a whole hour...oooh what's that? shiny....

2004.04.09 at 06:26([distractednoders]) [TanisNikana] says Well, last time, we got to 7 messages before we stared at the fire.

2004.04.09 at 07:29([distractednoders]) [bishopred1] says fire? no one said anything about a fire? where's the fire?

2004.04.09 at 07:30([distractednoders]) [TanisNikana] says /me stares into the fire

2004.04.09 at 07:35([distractednoders) [skybluefusion] says oooh Smores!

2004.04.09 at 15:56([distractednoders]) [bishopred1] says smores = bears!

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Something is seriously physically wrong with me. I'm sposed to be at school. I'm ditching because I feel so weak and in pain and lightheaded. Adam said something I need to share and keep forever cuz it makes sense. It's obviously a response to "I'm sorry"

(17:10:28) DreamerA00: sorry is like sorrow, see how they are so close, and i don't like sorrow spread, so never be sorry on my acount

I"ll try to write later on what is happening to me. I'm going to try to follow one of my lists now.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Adam: never plucked a rooster, and i'm ok at pingpong. i've thrown mashed potatoes at the wall and at my crew, i've kissed a dog, and i'm lice free. and i've been to boston in the fall!
i've licked a spark plug and sniffed a stink bug and painted dasies on a red rubber ball, and i've thrown yogurt at myself and i've been told i look fuckable in leggings
Coz I don’t know which way this road is gonna turn
But I know it’s gonna be fine
But there are some days no matter how much I’ve learned
That the road gets tough
And I don’t feel good enough
But if you’re giving me some of that loving
Could you pass some over
Let me cry on your shoulder and tell me baby
I could be good enough for you
-Darren Hayes (Good Enough)

It's just one of those days...
I'm not doing too well today. I feel confused. I feel frustrated. It's noisy inside my head. Inside people are having both conversations with each other that I feel like I am ease dropping on and some are actually talking to me.
I know I just sound insane. I probably am. i don't care. Insanity is just another one of those words that just means I'm not like most people in this frame. I don't care. I don't like this world and am glad i'm not like what's normal here.
i feel guilty. Sam, he needs me. I can't deal tho. I'm sorry. It's just too overwhelming today. Everything feels so overwhelming today.
I actually had a neat dream, and was going to do a dreamlog, since it involved several noders, but then several people needed an ear. And I couldn't deal. I turned off IRC quickly, and even tried to run from AIM. I can't help but feel overwhelming guilt for not being able to help people I care about. I need some time alone. Not long. Wouldn't even have to be alone really, just time when I'm not expected to answer questins, not expected to know anything.
Talking to Keith was fine. He didn't want anything from me. Instead, he made me feel good. I will thank him here, now, because I know he will be reading this blog today, as I showed it to him because of those TheDeadGuy quotes.
For Keith:

How lucky I am to have a friend in you. You make me laugh. You make me cry. Your words hit my deep inside my soul. You don’t tell me the inside people are not real. You are a guide to many. You lead well. Never stop. The words don’t exist in this frame. And my spelling of their words, it loses it’s meaning. Don’t give up on me. Don’t let me give up on me either.
You understand.

Friday, April 16, 2004

Europa, Myself, and my lilttle sister Kylee went and saw "The Prince & Me" staring Julia Stiles. I liked it i think. I want the soundtrack, or AT LEAST the song that was "their song" I dont know the name of it or who sings it, but if someone knows what it is and has it PLEASE let me know! I soooooo want that song! I want to hear it again.
Oh, I got a really cool CD today, Oyster by Heather Nova. It's great. I went to the grocery store today. Yeah, a full day. Now I'm going to go use my votes on e2, reread the next 50 of [TheDeadGuy]s writeups and paste the quotes i like into my document. so...weeeeeeeeeeeee
Just one of those things that made me laugh:

(17:23:23) Confusedalotly: my family is driving me nutters
(17:23:47) sam rol ken: Oh, well, as I understand it isn't a short drive for you, so you should be there shortly. Just sit back and enjoy the ride!
(17:24:12) Confusedalotly:
(17:24:20) Confusedalotly: you're in a goofy mood today lol

[TheDeadGuy] quotes (from first 100 writeups)

The following is a LONG list of quotes copied and pasted from Keith's oldest 100 write-ups (unless he objects when he finds out about this, quotes from the rest of his write-ups will appear here later). When pasted into MSword, the links remain links, but I do not yet know, (and honestly doubt) if they will remain links once posted here, so for that reason I have put the pipelinks in. Most other links I didn't bother with.

The [nature of the delay], like an [hourglass], is measured by the growing length of ash at the end of her cigarette. Conversation tends to stop as the [burning] of the [tobacco] becomes the center of attention.

The relevant nature of intimacy. Staying the night is a far greater commitment than the act of lovemaking. The cigarette continues to burn. She reaches for her jacket.

"It's okay. I've been waiting for the phone to ring all night. Don't hang up. Talk to me."
"I don't care if you called the wrong number. Tell me what you would have said if you called the right number. We both need the closure."
-wrong number

Sometimes even a ripple can disturb [Gulf of Mexico|the mightiest of oceans]. Unspoken, unmentioned, uninvited... this ripple stayed [kingdom on the bottom of the sea|below the ocean's surface] for almost a week.

Lock the doors. Bolt the windows down. Never feel safe. The world is splitting. Two halves of a concentric hole. Fore!-[People who have animals kill their kids]
If you're going to leave
Sooner is better than later
But if you want to stay
Staying means forever.
-[seedy neighborhood bar]

The past was not the present. It never is. Just as tomorrow never comes. One can only wake up within the brackets of today. We all travel in time this way. We just forget we are doing it.
"This world is not capable of understanding your duality. To be but a man and to be but one person is what they know. For you, this life is a preparation for an upcoming tomorrow.
"You have great talents, but they must be suppressed. Success in this world is predicated by meeting and exceeding the expectations of others. It has nothing to do with success within."
He was deeply troubled by the seductions and temptations of the living, breathing world. For one with so much talent, intelligence, wisdom and energy it was difficult to resist the empty drone of worldly success.
"To go into this world and dominate with your abilities would be a critical error.”
“Your legacy is not for [Los Angeles|this place] in which we now exist. [The only winning move is not to play.|They must forget you] in order for you to [who am I?|learn your true identity] elsewhere. Otherwise this world's history will own your soul."
[My skull is but a padded cell, the walls of which my inner demons bounce off|Honestly, it isn't easy] being creepy and different. Physically, there are no discenable characteristics that would make me stand out in a crowd of 40,000. My legs are intact and [lazy eye|my eyes don't wander off in different directions]. It is just that I cannot handle the glare of warm, rosy, friendly nothingness
I don't need any of this so-called socialization. I'm too far advanced. I can stare at a pine cone for six hours. That should tell you something. Yet I can hear their shrill, whiney voices constantly. Even when they aren't there [voices in my head|they are there in my head].
We go through our lives consciously or unconsciously keeping the various circles we travel through life in seperate from each other. They develop into what can be called different worlds. We even develop personality adjustments for these different worlds. For example, one may be known to [fuck|swear] on a consistent basis when with friends at the [seedy neighborhood bar|pub], but at grandma's Thanksgiving extravaganza the harshest word used might be "overcooked."
“...damned nodeshells speak to me in my sleep...”(tiny in the bottom of [So we drank their blood...])

No mercy has the sea when we are nowhere near its angry clutches.

"Dammit, boy, you must've been born with the stupids. Got that from your mom's side."
Eventually something would have to happen. A pattern in life eventually has to be broken.
I wasn't sure if it was her voice I heard or if it was only in my imagination. The wind and the rain were growing more fierce and they were known to play tricks with the audio track that runs constantly while we live our little lives.
The chameleon method of adapting to your environment is not the same as giving up who you are and [if you weren't stupid, you'd agree with me|thinking like everyone else]. There are very few places where such toadying is embraced and commended, it makes you highly expendable. No one really loves an empty shell of a human being. Yet, those already established in an environment expect you to earn your wings before you fly around the room.
Life is not that unlike theatre. People have grown accustomed to seeing the show the way it is. A new character that comes along slowly and develops stands a greater chance of finding a warm place in the heart of the audience. One who flashes onto the stage might find immediate approval and favor, but his shelf life is more limited. Flashy and revolutionary material from the outset requires the actor constantly outdo himself. To retreat into subtlety now will disappoint the audience. How much energy do you have for the long run?
Blend, observe and then act.
Be like the chameleon, blend in amongst the trees, the cubicle walls and the water cooler. Sit and drink your beer quietly and get an idea about who these people around you are. Leak your personality slowly, like Three Mile Island, not rapidly like Chernoble. Soon your time will come. Eventually everything changes and you'll find yourself evaluating the newcomer who drops her pants and shows off the tattoo of angry bees on her left buttock the first day on the job... and at that point you'll realize it is time to move on to the next rest stop on the highway of your life.
The first kiss will taste the most delicious. Perhaps this is only due to the surprise it presents.
"Nothing can ever make up for the loss of a loved one, but you deserve something for your pain."
Passing over to the other side after our own demise, perhaps we will be greeted with a similar presentation. The video screens may be more artistic than your average 17" television. The colors could very well be more vibrant. The weather in the room might be unpredictably predictable. Does that mean everything will be different?
"Have you reason to believe that your death was unjustified? Shulmanackoff and Biedeviedes is here for you. We care. We specialize in unjust death, especially in cases where you were not given time to make peace with your God and your loved ones. Talk to us. We'll get you the compensation you deserve. The first consultation is free. Don't spend another night worrying about what might have been. Call us."
Time to leave. There is a lot more on the road ahead. Despite your experience, you'll be back. Something draws you back again and again.

not a great day. feeling anxious and crappy now. it's 5am now?! Well then school was yesterday (thursday). i don't remember large sections. i know i was seeing him and no one else saw him. i know after comperclass i wans't me and we had to cut. i know europa was mad cuz she coudlnt give blood. for lunch we ordered pizza and went to stephanies house. afterward we went to sav-on and i bought easter candy that was really cheap and a pina colada. yeah, i was drinking alcohol (AT SCHOOL!) not alot i am drinking the drink now. hoping it slows my racing heart. i couldn't stay awake in library class. i slept on and off for a few hours after i got home too :-/
i hate feeling this way

Thursday, April 15, 2004

For those of you who ever cared

For those of you who ever cared:

Thank you for the times we shared.

This pain I can no longer bear.

This life just isn't fair.

I tried so hard for so long,

But everything I did was wrong.

My time has come to say good-bye

I'm tired of living a big fat lie.

Copyright ©2002 Jennelle Marie Bluebird

From the homenode and the scratchpad

The following section and the information it refers to located on my scratchpad will be removed soon, may find a new home for it if I do the location will be here for a short while.

Please accept my great thankfullness for everyone's help. Most notably of course is [siouxsie]. So many wonderful people...

I will write a daylog or [E2 Scratch Pad|something] later, i am still gathering details on the aftermath of her suicide attempt and my interference.
I do know this: She would not have told us what she had done if she had really not wanted help as she claims. She will be fine now. Was taken to hospital. I have not spoken to her personally since. She refuses to speak to me out of anger. That's fine. I'd rather her be okay and hate me than to have her trust me and be dead or worse. Others have spoken with her and say she will be okay. I'm sorry for any problems I caused here on e2. It was not a joke and it was not, as someone seemed to have thought, me asking for help for myself. I am not feeling well today...I am confused and need to gather my thoughts some more. I will be writing something later and depending on what i end up writing it will either be in this spot or posted as a write up. if i am not making sense i apologize. when/if i can make sense i'll explain better.

Thanks again all involved in any way. i looked at catbox archive and realized how much people cared. thanks

I have received tons of /msgs and IM’s asking “What happened?” and you all deserve an explanation. The names and identifying details have been changed, but the following is based on the actual chartroom conversation that took place in a bipolar support room. Please note the typos are left for a reason. The only nickname listed that was actually used in the room is my own. I am not including any of the private messages. I will explain what was said in them however.

Session Start: Mon Mar 29 03:26:02 2004 PST

Milly: wb [bluebird_is_sad|birdy]

Genny: hi bridy

jbirdy: hi

Milly: Genny please call EMS if you can't

drive or call a friend and get to the hospital

Genny: > i dont drive anyway

Milly: please i'm begging you. i

care about you and don't want to see anything bad

happen to you.

Genny: > i don'thave a [friend|firend]

Genny: > [mental illness|i don't believe in hospitals]

Milly: this time you need to believe in


Genny: > i lost my glasses in the [drowning|surfd]

Genny: > surf

Milly: that's ok you can get new glasses

Genny: > i [almost|alosst] choke in enought water to


Genny: > die

Genny: > but it[scared|scred] me and i turned around

Genny: > i'm a wuss

jbirdy: i'm glad you turned around

Genny: > i was lucky i made it home ok

Milly: but you didn't. you didn't want to

die. but if you don't get to the hospital you might

or you might wind up with permanent liver or [kidney

Genny: > i [want|wanmt] to die. [Overdose|let's het tjay]

straight this just wasn't the way to do it

Milly: what if you don't die from the

pills and just damage your liver or kidneys?

* Joins: mitch

{irrelevant conversation}

Milly: birdy call oscar and see if he has

genny's phone number and have him call her

Genny: why would i want to [damage|damamahe] my

liver [or|ofr] [kidneys}kidkneys>] so [WTF?|uvk faster waus of dfimt ot]

Milly: genny you're not making any sense

Genny: oscar [doesn’t|doewsn't] have my phone number

jbirdy: are u just saying that genny cuz you

don’t want me to call him or does he really not have


Genny: he doesn't [have|habe] it

Milly: mitch we got a situation going on

with genny right now so hang on ok

mitch: oh okay, i understand

jbirdy: ok genny

jbirdy: Genny where are you?

Genny: at home

jbirdy: is there anyone that lives with you?

Genny: nope

jbirdy: do you have family nearby?

Genny: nope

jbirdy: can you walk next door and tell them

you are sick and need to go to the hospital?

Milly: gen has taken an od

Genny: i'm [all|allll] alone in [the big|th ebig] [Hell if I know|fity] with

nothing to [do|fo] bit [figure|figire] out [suicide methods|ways to die]

jbirdy: Genny, there is help. there are

reasons to live

what did you take Genny

Genny: no [hospitals|hopisatalis]

Genny: [klonopin] and atibam

Milly: klonopin and [ativan]

Genny: hasn't [even|vene] kicked in yet

jbirdy: when did you take it?

Milly: you're typing says differently

Genny: about an hour and a half ago

jbirdy: then it has kicked in, and if you

look back on the way you are typing you will see it

Genny: but i don't feel funny

jbirdy: i bet if you really thought about it

you'd realize your breathing is shallower than usual

Milly: genny you need to call [EMS] and at

least let them come and check you out

Genny: no

Milly: why not?

Genny: [because|bedcause] [I’ve|i'be] had too [many|meuy] [emergency medical services|ems] guys,

and cops and [?|bultureas] and [hospital|hspital] er rooms picking [over|ober] me [recently|refcetnly]

jbirdy: Genny you need help. you know

this, or you wouldn’t be in a support chat room

Milly: why was that?

Genny: [psychosis|osychosis] and [depression|deressions]

Milly: and your depressed again

Genny: yes

Milly: then you know you need to go

Genny: no i don't

jbirdy: Genny how much of the medications

did you take?

Genny: [I don’t know|idunmoo] 25 .5 mg ativans, and 15 1mg klonopin

Genny: [I think I’ll live|i tihink i'lll libe]

Genny: live

jbirdy: but if you don’t get treated you may

seriously injure your liver.

Genny: i [hope|hoipe] i kill [liver|it]

jbirdy: Genny you are not making much


Genny: how am i supposed to [make sense|maek semse]


Genny: bordy?

Genny: birdy:

jbirdy: Genny, please pick up the telephone

and call someone, anyone.

Milly: genny we know you came here for

help and support and the best help and support we can

give you is to tell you to get to a hospital ER to be

treated for your overdose and depression

Genny: no i don't want to

jbirdy: Genny, WHY do you want to die?

Genny: mainly [because|bedcuase] [I’ve|i'be] wanted to die
for14 [years|uears] [on and off|on a nd orfrf], and [nothing|nothgin] ever gets

better [Losing hope|than doesnt get worke again]

things get better Genny, it just

takes time, yes it seems like things dont, but they

do. death doesnt solve anything. it only causes alot

more problems.

Genny: [each|easc]h time it gets [worse|wirse], it gets [a lot worse|a

oit wors]

jbirdy: Genny, if you die i and many other

people would be very upset. things do get better, and

you know it.

mitch: what is it that is the worst right

now Genny

Milly: maybe oscar has tappers phone number

Genny: i have tappers phone number

Genny: what does that solver

hun, what state do you live in if

you dont mind me asking

Milly: does tappers have your phone number

Genny: i live in [California|an=lifronia]

jbirdy: california?

mitch: i live in california too Genny

Genny: yea that one

jbirdy: me too Genny

what city are you near?

jbirdy: where in california?

Genny: norhtern

i see, what major city do you live


Genny: [San Fransisco|san franfisco]

mitch: how far do you live from that

Genny: i [live|libe] in it

mitch: oh okay

* joins brownie

Milly: hi brownie

jbirdy: hi brownie

Genny: hi brony

[suicide hotline|(415) 781-0500]

Genny call that number

Genny: [What is it?|whts is it>]

its a help hotline. in your area

Genny: idon't want to [deal|feal] with a help

hotline [excuse|esxceuse] my rudeness

mitch: i understand, but they will tell

you what to do and can direct you on what you can do

Genny: they all =say the same things [have|jabe]

the same training

mitch: well listen to them, they might say

something useful, i use the one here in LA

mitch: they really want to help you

Genny, and so do we, thats why you should call that

number or check your self in the ER.

genny, i am so sorry you are having

a hard time right now

Genny: yeah me too

jbirdy: Genny if your sorry that means you

know you need help

jbirdy: please call that phone number

Milly: genny what ever you do don't go to

sleep ok

Genny: [I almost killed myself tonight|i almost kid=lled muself toniite]

so sorry love

mitch: Genny, do it for us :) call the

number. you will feel alot better i promise, then come

back here and we will take it from there

Genny: doubt that's going to [happen|happrn]

wish we could do more than listen

Genny: milly

mitch: listen to that part of you Genny

that wants to get help.

jbirdy: Genny does anyone from this chat

room have your phone number?

Milly: you need to stay awake

Genny: just nutter and tappers and marge

jbirdy: ok does ANYONE here have a way of

getting ahold of any of them?

Milly: birdy see if oscar has any or their

numbers. he may have nutter’s

jbirdy: i can't use the's not mine

but i have a friend who can call him for me

Genny: i have meeem's too

Milly: ok

Genny: but they're all [asleep|asleeo]

Milly: genny we all want what is safe for

you right now and since going to the hospital is out

of the question per you then you need to stay awake.

make yourself some strong coffee

* Joins: tapper

hi tapper


Milly: tapper please call genny right

away. she took an od

so tired word down exhausted

spoke with her two hours last


she is determined to do this

Milly: she took klonopin and ativan and

won't go to the hospital

if we want to send 911, I have

her address

I cannot do it

Milly: yes please do that


I will give you thi information

Genny: (((((((((((((tapper)))))))))))))))))

Milly: ok

genny, what the hell isup?

aside from you I mean

Genny: i don't want you to do any mor3e

that you are capable of

jbirdy: give the address in a pm

Milly: tapper pm

Genny: no no address

Genny: no hopital

genny, you knowif I do this

there wiill be ambulances etc

Genny: no fuckintg emtos

Genny: emtos

Genny: fuck that

jbirdy: Genny please just accept the help

Genny: tapper, i will never speak to you

aahin if you gibe my address out

Milly: tapper please pm me

do not break Gennys privacy

jbirdy: i think it's necessary for her own


Milly: it's no longer about privacy

it's about a life and her safety.

jbirdy: Genny is very important to us. we

need her to be okay and the only way we can insure her

safety is by breaking her privacy.

Genny: that's bullshit milllly. i'm tying

you perfectly rationallly although my typos leavge

somthing to be siesired. EMTS wiol not help

Milly: you guys don't understand we are

running out of time here?

Milly: please pm me

tap, what is yoour call on


mitch: i agree with brownie

I am exhausted, nothhing makes

sence tome

you have level head

jbirdy: tapper if you don't get an ambulance

to Genny she could die

if you break her trust she will

never trust any of us again

mitch: brownie is right

Milly: tapper she took these meds 2 hrs

ago. she could face possible permanent liver or

kidney damage

Genny: tapper, if you call EMTs i will blam

nutters for giving you my ane

Genny: name

this is a horrific fucking game

I am out of it

Genny, please just call the

number i gave you, it will solve everything

* Quits: tapper

mitch: we want to help you, we dont want

to break your trust, we dont want anything to happen

to you, please call the number

Genny: whta is the hnhukber agian

mitch: (415) 781-0500

mitch: its the right thing to do

Genny: what is it mitch?

mitch: it is (415) 781-0500

Genny: i;m going to go

mitch: Genny are you going to call

jbirdy: are you going to call?

Genny: do what you all want

mitch: Genny, call that number

Genny: since none of you lnow my name


jbirdy: Genny we can find out

Genny: take fare

jbirdy: we care about you Genny

Genny: ad if i see the EMTs I will never

truse anyone of you again

jbirdy: we don't want you to hurt we want you

to get help

jbirdy: Genny i dont care if you never

trust me, at least i'd know you were okay

don't go Genny

stay here with us

mitch: stay with us Genny, :)

jbirdy: i'd rather lose your trust than lose

your life. you are an important person who has helped

me and many others here just by being you.

* jbirdy is now known as [Dissociative Identity Disorder|bluebirdy]

Genny are you still with us?

mitch: Genny please answer

Genny: i [think|thin] [you|yoyu] alll have to decide

which is moreimortant to upiu, my truest, or a

uqwestionae hopstial stary for whoifh i would holf all

of you resonisbile foir

Genny: i would hte t o habve to shun you


mitch: the only thing you should hold us

responsible for is trying to help you Genny

Genny: hlep schmelp

mitch: good poetry gersh

Genny: ty, i thought the cadence was

quite melodic myself

mitch: here is the number one last time. i

hope you call (415) 781-0500

Genny: mitch, if you don't tell me whjay

the freaking number is i will throttle uyou

mitch: i told you, Genny, it is a help

hotline for overdoses

Genny: it's been 3 hours and i don't feel

an overdose

mitch: but you still took one

mitch: call them, and just see what they


stay awake and stay with us and the

pills will wear off

Genny how are you feeling right


Genny please answer

Milly: maybe she's on the phone

i hope she is

Genny: i'm not in the kind of trouble you

guys sseeen ti think

Milly: i'm just sorry tapper bailed

he was exhausted

Milly: so am i

Milly: been up since 2:30

Genny: yesw i tookquite a bit if klon and

ativan, but the point waskk tat i wetn tito the ocean

Genny: and almosr drownderd'

Genny: it was touch and go

Genny: and [I finally tried to save myself|dinally i tried to sab=ve yself]

Genny: it wasn't east

Genny: easiy

we know Genny that was very

difficult and brave

but the amount of pills you took

can cause serious damage to your body

i am proud of you for coming home

from the ocean though

Genny: i dont' care aout the numjber iof

pills i took

but am worried about you still and

think you need medical help

mitch: you must have come up with strong

reasons to save yourself



Genny: thx or, you aare hte only onewho has

hugged me since this wole thing statrted

RedStem: genny is prolly more afraid of san

francisco general than hospitalization itself

RedStem: Genny: what up ... did you

take more pills than supposed too

* bluebirdy huggs Genny, now that she knows

that okay to do

Genny took a large amount of

both klon and ativan RedStem

Genny: i tried to drowmn myslef

RedStem: Genny: ah... well i am glad

to see you didnt

Genny: the poills were only inscinetdental

RedStem: Genny: i enjoy seeing you

here and seeing your posts...

Genny: ty red

RedStem: Genny: r u going to call

911 and go to the hospital

Genny: sameto upi

Genny: you

RedStem: Genny: btw... i am not

saying that justto say it... i do mean it

Genny, no matter how the pils

came to be in your system, they are the current

problem, the problem that can be helped.

the resst of the stuff will come


Genny: jo i am not calling 911 anf goinn

tro hispouitak

Genny: howpital

the pills are in your system now,

and need to be the immediate concern

the other problems can be dealt

with later, and they can be dealt with and you can

feel better

RedStem: Genny: please go... i know

that ativan and klonopin in regular dose are to

relieve pain... but the liver can only handle so much

the first step is making you safe

though and that involves you getting real, and

immediate assistance from a doctor

Milly: that's right genny. the rest will

follow. don't worry about anything else

RedStem: Genny: you are an

intelligent, friendly and valued person... i would and

do not like you to see you hurt yourself.. i

understand the reasons for od... i have done it


Genny things WILL get better but

they will take time and steps. the first step is

seeing a doctor immediately before the medications you

have taken too much of cause you any more harm

RedStem: Genny: things do get better

in time... even though it does not seem like it at the


Genny: ok, thaks alll for the

recommensations; i willl take them unders == serious


Genny: nite all

Genny, stay please

RedStem: Genny: pleaseee...

Milly: don't leave genny

Genny you should stay awake

Genny: i; getting tired

RedStem: Genny: if you cant call 911

give me address so i can

Milly: you must stay awake gen

Genny: no red

Genny that is because the drugs

you took have a tranquilizing effect. you need to

stay awake right now

Genny: i am sick of the [hospitals|hspitasl]

i understand that Genny, *huggs*

but please just stay awake until

the drugs work through your system.

Milly: we all get sick of the hospitals

RedStem: Genny: i can understand

that, but right now the hospital is the only thing

that can help with excess meds

Genny: why, transquizig effects usually

wera off the nedt day after ny=uch sleeoping

Milly: the problem is the klonopin has a

half life of between 19 and 55 hours

with the amount of klonopin and

ativan that is in your system right now, sleeping is

very dangerous.

Milly: and you have to stay awake for a

minimum of 19 hours

Genny: i dont' belibve do

Genny: and i will show you all tmoroow when

i rreturn to the fary

Genny we have all agreed not to

force you into going to the hospital by breaking your

privacy, but we need you to stay awake


Milly: fair

i'm a bit confused here.

Genny, [keep her talking|please explain to us]

about the fair.

Milly: we all are and i'm getting more

confused by the minute

Genny: have a good nite all'and din;t think

it' son't appriraicate your effordts to keep me sane]

Milly: it's an old term. [return to the


Genny, if you will not go to the

hospital at least stay and talk to use

Genny: birdy, i ajm tired.

i know Genny, but sleep is not

good right now

please stay here with us

Milly: Genny go make some coffee

or tea

Milly: got any no doze

Milly: dumb question. what would a [bipolar|bp] be

doing with [no doze]

Genny: thanks fo your si=ejitiity but i

muswt go now

Genny: nite all

Genny please stay

Genny: i will report in thr morni

i don't want to lose you

Milly: no genny you need to stay awake.

please stay

* Parts: Genny

Milly: omg

-> *Genny* are u there?

Milly: i'm pissed

* bluebirdy sighs

there is nothing more we can do

unless you get ahold of the three people that have her


missy the other night she was

dangerously drunk and i stayed with her 3 hours

Milly: dammit to hell with privacy. we

could have done something!!!!

all we can really do is wait and

pray, and hope.

RedStem: bluebirdy: well if you know

who they are shoot off an email or msg the on the


Milly: i'm drained. been at it since 5am

* bluebirdy hugs Milly

someone get tapper

doesnt he know

yes he knows and nutter and ummmm

i think marge

Milly: forget tapper. he knows and he


i dont know how to contact them

...i have nver figured out the boards.

Milly: i begged him to pm me. he could

have passed the buck to me and i would have taken it

from there

i know milly, you did all you

could do

RedStem: bluebirdy: let me give them

quick pm on boards then

ok RedStem good idea

Milly: i really don't care if she got mad

at me or not as long as it saved her life or kept her

from permently harming herself

hello Guest

Milly: hello guest

i agree Milly

{irrelevant conversation in room}

There was much talk in PM’s and phone calls were made. I did not have access to a phone, but went instant messaging. In the PM’s I was begged by Genny’s best friend to please call 911. She was unable to do it herself because she does not live in the USA. I Instant messaged every person I could find and was unsuccessful. Wertperch then used the catbox to help.

<[wertperch]> Serious request : Anyone in North

Americans there who know how to contact emergency

services? Please /msg [bluebird_is_sad]15:36 just get in toucvh with her, there

is a reason, a SERIOUS reason

i have a friend in san

fransisco who has overdosed and is in need of an

ambulance. i do not have access to a phone but have her

real name/address can some one please help. she is

runnig out of tmie

Many people offered help. I am very appreciative of all the /msgs I have received and many of you have even found me on the IM’s. [siouxsie] deserves most of the credit. She is the one that made the phone call. She may have saved Genny’s life. I hope everyone here throws lots of love at [siouxsie|momma Susie] for this.

During this time we finally were able to contact “Nutter” who called Genny on the telephone. There was no answer. Nutter however does not live within the states and could not find a way of contacting any help for “Genny”. Genny had called all of her friends and her family and made amends the day before.

jbirdy: she did not kill herself as she

planned. she went to the ocean to die and turned

back. at least part of her wants to live

jbirdy: i would call if i could for you

nicola but i cannot use this phone here

nutter: so she went to the water and

came back

jbirdy: yes

jbirdy: but when she came back she overdosed

on klonopin and ativan

nutter: someone needs to call 911 for me

jbirdy: but i do not have access to a phone

jbirdy: i really wish i could

jbirdy: i was even trying to IM people i knew

earlllier to get them to call someone for me to call


jbirdy: have we found someone who can call?

nutter: no

nutter: 911 cant be long distance

nutter: is it?

nutter: cant be

jbirdy: i believe you can call local 911 and

tell them where u need to be connected to

nutter: ifeel like i have enough info to

do something address and phone number and real name

nutter: but i dont KNOW what to DO

jbirdy: nutter, give me the info and i'll risk

it…I’lll find a way

nutter: ok

nutter: ill pm you

jbirdy: k

jbirdy: i have someone calling 911 now

jbirdy: gave close online friend her
name/addy and she is on phone with emercengy services

jbirdy: so sorry it took so long

jbirdy: could not find anyone for long time

jbirdy: ambulance on way now

Genny was taken to the hospital, treated, and released. I have since spoken with her. She will never speak to me again and plans to send me her $900 hospital bill if she can find my address. I am no longer going to be going into that channel on IRC, or any other chat room for that matter. I am not well myself and cannot deal with such things. I feel overwhelmed with my own struggle and feel both guilt and anger toward “Genny”. [I’m sorry].

I know she can't read this, she don't know about e2, but if she were to read it I hope she would realize that I only meant to help her, not cause her any problems.

i think that's all for now

I've skimmed the entire list of writeups of mine and decided on those 16 to have nuked. /me sighs

Now I need to finish some homework ( a bibliography that's a total pain in the butt) and work on my homenode.

October 8, 2003

I am NOT Okay.

I didn't think I could [mental illness|feel any worse].

[I Was Wrong]!

[Suicidal|I need help] but there is none for [bluebird_is_sad|me]. I'm beyond help. I can't remember the last time I showered, or brushed my hair or even changed clothes. I feel disgusting. I was [sex is bad|violated] last weekend. [the horny bastard|He] called me yesterday. He wanted me to drive all the way out to his work and "[sexually please|entertain]" him!!! He doesn't get it. No one does. [Please help me|Is there no help for me?]

October 6, 2003

Please excuse my grammer and capitilization and all that, i'm a bit upset as i write this.

Something [bad] happened. There's no one i can talk to.
I went with sergio and john, and danielle, and emma
on [friday]. we went to [karaoke]. well vanessa (an [mental illness|Inside person] and
sergio did something. when "I" do something and am
not there i get like snapshots and there was a
policeman with a flashlight. just sergio and me in
the car. his [penis].(sergio's penis, not the cop's) my face
was really close to his
penis. everytime i think about it i want to [throw up].
i dont know what exactly happened. i know he was
trying to coax me in the backseat but as far as i know
he didn't get me back there but he did have his pants
down. and i felt soar and icky in my panties. i dont
think we had actual [intercouse], dear god i hope not.
i'm not sure of anything anymore though. i think he
pushed my haed onto his lap, with his pants down. my
hands felt like sticky wet. i had had a few drinks but
wasn't really drunk. i dont know if he managed to get
his huge penis in my mouth or not. i hope not. i
know he wanted that, he's tried to get me to blow him
before. i'm so [confused]. i dont
even know what exactly happened. the little ones have
been crying a lot. we cut a lot. i tried to tell
marcie about it a little but had a really hard time.
marcie has been really out of it
lately. me and her have trouble having any
converastion at all. we're both so stressed with
school and both been [cutting] a lot and we only seem to
be able to talk about how frustrated we are with
school. she's depressed again. her ex-boyfriend, robert, keeps
calling her over and over. last time he called her
she cut her legs up pretty bad from what she said and
the night after the math teacher gave us our grades
marcie carved a [D] in her leg, then realized the
printout was all screwed up and she's really getting a
B. the only class i'm doing ok in is english, i have
a b. but i have an essay due tommorow that i havne't
even started and i didn't go to bed at all last nihgt
because i was up until 7:30 this morning finishing the
library report. then it's too long and i can't figure
out the bibliography for the websites so i just bs'd
it. i'm rambling again aren't i? i have a midterm in
about 2 and a half hours. i bought those cafeene
pills even though i'm not supposed to even have
caffeene cuz it makes my hands hurt so much. i'll
prolly take a few of them not long before class. and
then a few more after class. ever since friday i
havne't been able to [sleep] more than like 20 minutes
at a time because of the bad man, and the crying of
the little ones and the snapshots that don't make much
sense. even before that i wasn't able to sleep well.
i need to find some kind of therapist of
something that can work around my school schedule and
will deal with me without sending me straight to a
hospital every time and won't cost me anything.
theres not very many locally that take medi-cal. it
sucks. [life sucks]. [i wish i were dead]

I'm just scared. I need help [where|when] there is none. I'm sorry.

October 24, 2003

My [math class] was cancelled today. So here I sit. I'm typing this silly [daylog] because I'm trying to stay here. I'm trying not to [dissociate]. It's been bad lately. [I've been really stressed out] with [Citrus College|school] and stuff. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I feel icky all the time. I've been [cutting] a lot more again. It keeps me "sane" at least kind of. A few people on E2 think that I have been [NFN] lately. [That's not true]. (At least I don't think it is. I have put several write-ups on recently. That is because I found the [floppy disk] where I'd saved them from when I had a computer but no internet and lots of time.

I know many people don't like me on here. That's okay. People in the [real world] don't like me either.

Oh well. I'm really cold today. And I'm disconnected today. Just kind of lost. [Dazed]. [I don't know].

[I'm sorry]


October 11, 2002

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and attempted to make sense.
I’ve had several [ups and downs] since the last time I spent any significant amount of time online. Life has been a [roller coaster]. Now I’m living away from my family. I have an upstairs [apartment] (I can barely get up the stairs) with a long time male friend. I think we’ve worked out the issues of him wanting to be more than friends and me not being able to handle a sexual relationship. I was doing pretty good for a while but am quickly [I cut again|slipping] back into a [depression]. I’m now on [Zyprexa], [depakote], [Wellbutrin], [Lexapo], and [Buspar]. I am now on [Weight Watchers], which is being paid for by [Zyprexa].I’m currently attending [day treatment] five hours a day five days a week at my local mental health clinic. Lately I’ve been having a very hard time. [Confusion]. [Losing touch with reality]. [Cutting]. [Lack of motivation]. Et cetera. Et cetera.

March 8, 2002

I told myself I wouldn't [daylog] for a while but I guess I lied. I did something last night that I need to write out in hopes it'll help me understand it.

Last night [I cut again.] I meant to cut. I needed it. But I cut more than I meant to and I used the [blood] to write. In my journal/notebook that I use to write everything, and I mean everything. School work goes in there, phone numbers, appointments, random thoughts, song lyrics, just anything and everything. It's just a standard spiral notebook. Well now there is the word "[BEAUTIFUL]" written in [blood]. I don't know why I did that and regret it horribly. I'm so scared now. What if my mom or someone, anyone happens to pick up the notebook and sees that in there??? I don't want to go back to the hospital again. I know what I did was wrong. Very wrong. None of the cuts are bad but there are several and I'm afraid someone will see them. The worst part is the [blood] stain in the notebook though. I can't just rip that page out either.

Something really scary is that I have the blade with me. It's sharp. The [restroom]...well I can't help but think how good it would feel to cut just a bit. I probably won't but I might. Just a little to vent the [frustration] of the day. I am just so confused and [demented|twisted].

Good news though is that I have a check. It's for $72. Not bad for sitting with a bratty second grader for a total of 12 hours while he does his homework and help him when he needs it. The kid don't like me much. At first he thought I was [funny] but now he realizes I mean it when I correct him. The only way I can get him to do his work is by bribing him with cookies and candy and such. It works and I don't really feel that [guilty] about it. He's not well behaved because his parents let him and his younger brothers get away with anything. I don't. I'm pretty strict. I have yelled at him. Anyways, now I just have to figure out how to cash the check. I think I may buy myself something. I shouldn't. I should save the money and I may do that, unless a [CD] or some [candy] catches my eye. hehe.

Ok so I'll shut up now. I think I have a thing or two in my [notebook] that could be turned into a decent node or two. I'll go see.

I told myself I wouldn't [daylog] for a while but I guess I lied. I did something last night that I need to write out in hopes it'll help me understand it.

Last night [I cut again.] I meant to cut. I needed it. But I cut more than I meant to and I used the [blood] to write. In my journal/notebook that I use to write everything, and I mean everything. School work goes in there, phone numbers, appointments, random thoughts, song lyrics, just anything and everything. It's just a standard spiral notebook. Well now there is the word "[BEAUTIFUL]" written in [blood]. I don't know why I did that and regret it horribly. I'm so scared now. What if my mom or someone, anyone happens to pick up the notebook and sees that in there??? I don't want to go back to the hospital again. I know what I did was wrong. Very wrong. None of the cuts are bad but there are several and I'm afraid someone will see them. The worst part is the [blood] stain in the notebook though. I can't just rip that page out either.

Something really scary is that I have the blade with me. It's sharp. The [restroom]...well I can't help but think how good it would feel to cut just a bit. I probably won't but I might. Just a little to vent the [frustration] of the day. I am just so confused and [demented|twisted].

Good news though is that I have a check. It's for $72. Not bad for sitting with a bratty second grader for a total of 12 hours while he does his homework and help him when he needs it. The kid don't like me much. At first he thought I was [funny] but now he realizes I mean it when I correct him. The only way I can get him to do his work is by bribing him with cookies and candy and such. It works and I don't really feel that [guilty] about it. He's not well behaved because his parents let him and his younger brothers get away with anything. I don't. I'm pretty strict. I have yelled at him. Anyways, now I just have to figure out how to cash the check. I think I may buy myself something. I shouldn't. I should save the money and I may do that, unless a [CD] or some [candy] catches my eye. hehe.

Ok so I'll shut up now. I think I have a thing or two in my [notebook] that could be turned into a decent node or two. I'll go see.

March 5, 2002

What's happening with me? well I wish I knew. I'm [lost]. I'm [anxiety|frightened] and I'm afraid to leave. I've been told by many noders that I should stay and they like my writing and such. That is nice. It makes me feel a bit better when people tell me they want me here. Part of me thinks it's all a [conspiracy] though. What am I being set up for? When does the major pain come? Part of me knows that the whole conspiracy thing is all [BS] made up by the inside people which are really just parts of me. Part of me believes them though, and believes in them. They talk so they must be real. I always thought everyone had inside people. I know now that that is not true. This makes me even more scared and [lonely]. I don't know what is true now. [Truth] scares me. I just don't [understand] it. I'm always being told I'm lying but I [honestly] don't know if I am [lying] or not because I no longer understand what [truth] is. I used to, but after being told so many times that I was lying when I was sure I was telling the truth I am [confused] now. What is truth?

March 17, 2002

Arg. I don’t know what to do anymore. Thanks to [cbustapeck|Christopher] I have [laptop] again. It’s nice to be able to be in the nice bed with my nice [flannel|flannel sheets], two blankets, and three comforters and still be able to type. It’s nice to be able to be less [helpless]; to be able to at least try to pass school, instead of simply wait to fail. Unfortunatly I’m having all kinds of problems with getting online. I can’t get [MSN] to work at all and have resorted to [Juno]. Juno will let me sennd/receive email but not actually access the internet so the very special [eggZ] has offered to put things on here for me until I get this straightened out. I email it to him preformatted and hope all my links work and he copies and pastes it into my account.

I got in trouble. Now I have no car. My mom took my car key as punishment. She found my [March 8, 2002|notebook with the word] written in [blood] in it. I don’t know how I’m going to return the videos to the [library] now. I have two still checked out and they are due on [Monday]. It’s a dollar a day per video if they are late. *Sigh* I don’t know what to do. I’ve also got to figure out how to get [A Bright Red Scream] back to the other library. I want to buy that book but that’s easier said than done. The book store would have to order it for me and now I can’t leave the house so I can’t get it anyway and besides that I’m really stingy when it comes to spending money on myself. Twelve dollars for a book just because I want it is a lot. Plus the other book I want, [Prozac Nation], would also have to be ordered and I think that one is $13. I wish I could just buy them online but I have no credit card or even a bank account and besides that I’m not allowed to be online at all.

My family thinks the internet is evil. I’m not allowed to use it at all. I’m not allowed to talk on the phone either, especially to people that know me from the internet. I’m not allowed to leave the house either. I’m completely [alone]. Will be even more alone if my mom decides to snoop some more and maybe read things like this and get mad at me. Then she’ll take the computer away too. No matter what I do or don’t do someone will become angry with me and I will be punished.

My step dad saw me with the laptop today and he asked me if I bought ANOTHER one. I told him no. He knew I’d broke this but didn’t know I’d mailed it back and the wonderful Christopher had fixed it for me. Not only did he fix it but he put [music] on here too! I always have to have music, or at least the television on. I think the hard drive is bigger now too.

My step dad’s main goal in life is to make sure I am [miserable]. There are a lot of people that want that. I am afraid to like, let alone love, anything. It’ll disappear. Whether this be a person, or even a specific type of cookie, or anything, it doesn’t matter. If I consider a specific [food] to be my favorite it will no longer be made. If I like a certain [television show] it will be cancelled. If I want a certain book all the stores will suddenly stop selling it. If I show someone I care they will change and go away. (It hasn’t happened yet with [eggz|Ed], or [cbustapeck|Christopher], but it will. It always does.) It’s all a [conspiracy] to make me insane. Well it doesn’t matter, I’m already there! I can’t make the inside people shut up! I hurt myself, on purpose! I enjoy watching myself [bleed]! I hate myself. I have lost any faith I once had. I am alone, sad, and scared. Keep trying to push me. [I don't care]. I’m too far gone already, it don’t matter what you do now. The person I once was is dead. She’s not coming back. I am trying to accept that. The me that was me, the real Jennelle, the girl before she became [bluebird_is_sad|Bluebird], before she became more, is gone, long gone. Never coming back. Death is forever.

Thoughts of death have been on my minds far too much lately. I’m running out of options all too quickly. [Suicide] is murder. [Murder] is wrong. I understand why people do it though. Sometimes that’s all that is left. When you look around and watch your world crumble into dust the [suicide|final sin] actually becomes an option, even sometimes to people who once cursed those who did it.

Note from [EggZ]: Any errors please [/msg] me or email:
Some may be caused by [Windows] to [Mac OS] [character set] translation.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

February 3, 2004

Two words:

[Life Sucks]!

My car is a piece of crap. I behind in school because I live with my grandma and she won't let me use the internet at home and the school computers suck. Half the time I can't even get to school to use them! I smell like [sour milk] right now because I was at my mom's house watching the twins all day and Daniel [spit up|puked] on me like 4 times. They're almost six months old now and are getting heavy. Well the stupid computer lab is going to close in ten minutes so I have to go now. I hate life. Sometimes I wish I were [dead].

I don't want to hear I sound like a whiny bitch. I know this already. Thanks.

February 25, 2002

I'm [depressed]. Nothing new there.

I'm [lonely]. Yeah I know, old news.

I'm [frightened]. Boy I'm full of news aren't I? *sigh*

[Life sucks]. I'm once again at the public library. I hate this. I sit in my room all night, watching stupid movies, thinking about death and [blood], writing notes for the things I need to type up even though I know I won't be able to read most of what I write down anyway because my coordination is so bad my writing is equivilant to that of about a seven year old. I *had* a laptop. It lasted what? three days? then I dropped it. Now it don't work. What do I do now? My mother won't let me use the family computer at all. It's hard to get to the library everyday and hard to get a computer and get everything done in the one hour I get, if I'm lucky, on a computer. It's noisy here. I broke my brother's [headphone]s. I was using my brother's because I broke both pairs I had. It was so hard to get him to let me use them and now they're broken and I have to try to find enough money to buy him a new pair. I'm low on money this month. My own fault.

My mom hates me now. I don't mean to make her hate me. I just want to die. I don't have the energy to even try to kill myself though. I just hide and cry.

I have been trying so hard not to [self-injury|hurt myself] and have been pretty successful but now that I don't have a phone card anymore and no internet and so behind in school and just so frustrated and shattered inside...I just don't know how much longer I can go without at least [bleed]ing a little. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm failing [psychology|school] and falling apart inside.

February 15, 2002

I felt ok most of the day. I actually felt [happy|good] part of the day. I don't know what happened, but suddenly I wanted to cut. I'm not even sure if it was suddenly. It just kind of snuck up on me, this [desire]. I was working on school work and going through stuff on a disk and came across this:

Thou who drink thine own blood be true

By Bluebird


With the shiny blade

She slits her skin

And watches the blood,

[blood|Crimson tears] drip so softly

She wipes one tear from her skin

On her pinky now, [blood|one red tear]

Into her mouth, her tiny finger

The crimson sky she sees

For one brief moment

She can [taste] her pain

And the thought returns:

Thou who drink thine own [blood] be true

...And now the desire is even stronger. A lot stronger. [Cbustapeck|Christopher] was there for me when I needed someone to talk to and I thank him. He's a good friend. There are a lot of good people on [E2]. Now I have to get dressed and go down to the [Social Security] office because I got things all screwy with them but I think it's all straightened but I have to go down there and make sure and I'm just not in the mood to leave the house. I have no choice though. My mother makes all my decisions.

I have a sore throat today and am a bit tired. I was happy this morning but now I'm feeling depressed again. [Depression] is a way of life, I just have to remember that.

February 10, 2002

Do you ever feel [unloved]?

Have you ever felt it’s all your fault?

I [wonder] why I bother to face another day

Each day is worse than the last and I [feel] [bad]

[I don’t] want to hurt anyone ever again but [I do]

I hurt people every day I’m alive, I can’t stop

All my family’s problems are all my fault.

I’m trying so hard but no one sees

I’m so sorry I screw up.

[Life sucks]. I want to die but that's not an option. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired but I can't sleep so I'm all [alone] [all night] long. My parents won't let me near the computer between 11pm-6am. I'm almost 21 years old but I have no where to go. I want to leave. They don't want me here. They make that more than clear. I'm so [miserable] and only being allowed to use the computer at the times when everyone is in here, watching tv and stuff, makes my online class almost impossiple. I just wonder what the point is in trying. I can't write decent essays for school and my nodes all suck. I just want to give up. I want to go hide in the corner with my [blanket], and just [closet thumbsucker|suck my thumb]. No more eating because I'm [fat]. Just sit in the corner, with my [blanky] and rock [back and forth] and let the inside people do whatever they want inside my head and rot away till I die, slowly and painfully.

April 3, 2004

[Don't node drunk]!?!?!?!?!

Ah! Screw You! LOL

[It's my birthday] [I'll cry if I want to|I'll node if i want to!]

Very depressed most of day. Was finally convinced to go to [karaoke] and went and dissociated and had fun I suppose.

[April 2, 2004|Friday night] we went to school dance at the college. Supposedly and 80s dance but most of what was played was 90s. Dissociative then too. But oh well. We were sure today would be the day of death and we are alive as we were before.

[don't drunk node]!
watch me!

node node node node node node node node node node node node node node node node node node node node node node node node node


watch for sober update below! should appear in couple hours! LOL

Soberness shall follow...

Bah! This soberness just sucks! But...well [soberness] is the cheapest way to get through life. Alcohol is expensive! Most of my drinks were bought for me this time, however.

I'm not used to going out like that. Two nights in a row I went out. On friday night my college was having a dance to kick off the [spring break]. Danced long and hard. I am not a good dancer and made a total fool out of ourself. Oh well. [wishful thinking|Maybe no one will remember.] Then came my birthday. I hate birthdays more than anyone can understand. This year was especially hard because of an internal stuggle. I am unable to explain it. I am sorry. The inside people have a language not like the one of this frame. The words for birth and death are one and the same. If my interpretation is correct I will die on my birthday. Obviously, this is not the year. Not sure I'm glad. I guess I am. At least some of [bluebird_is_sad|bluebird] is.

It's spring break now. I've got lots of school work to do. A paper for psychology class, which I will use a [schizophrenia|node I wrote long ago] as a basis. A bunch of stuff for the library class, including an essay I just don't understand, and a powerpoint presentation. Then there's trying to get all the stuff for the stupid computer class done. /me growls.

Well I'm terribly sore from all this weekends dancing. I'm going to go take more pain pills and curl up. Actually I'll probably take more pain pills and come use my votes. heh. I'm [e2addict|addicted], I admit it.

April 3, 2003

I promised myself I wouldn't write any more daylogs until I'd put up a couple of real factual and good nodes. Today, however, is my 22nd birthday.

How did I spend this day?

  • Well I stayed in my room with my nice warm blankets and my tv remote control until my mom, sister, and brother came over a little after 3pm. My sister and brother brought me a bottle of [adidas|perfume]. My mom gave me a card with a gift certificate for Best Buy. She brought me an [ice cream cake] from [Baskin Robins]. It was a [chocolate cake]/mint ice cream cake which was good but the decorations were [Barney], and Barney scares me, and she knows that. My mother thinks she is funny. While we were eating the cake my best friend called me to wish me a happy birthday. That was nice. Soon my mom took my sister and brother to their [catachism] class or whatever it is, and grandma, the dog, and I each went to our rooms. I tried calling my friend Ann. She answered but I could tell she didn't want to talk to me. I'd asked her if she'd gotten the card I'd sent her and what she wanted for her birthday (which was last week). I mentioned that we had cake and that tommorow I'm going out to dinner with my family at [Sizzler]. She didn't make any kind of notice of my birthday at all, which didn't surprise me, but did disappoint me.

    I then called the Bargain Network thing I signed up for to call about cars. I called all the cars the lady gave me. Left some messages. Then I got ready for school, which is where I am now. I'm supposed to be doing something in [Excel] that will eventually go into [PowerPoint]. Eh. I just do enough class work anymore so it looks like I'm doing something. I'm on the last chapter of the book. The teacher said he's never had a student complete the entire book in just one [semester]. Well the semester doesn't end until the middle of June. Oh well...

    Tommorow night my mom is taking me to dinner at Sizzler for my birthday and then to Best Buy. Saturday I'll just be sitting in my room like every other day, with no computer, no cable tv, just a few books and some paper. Sunday I might get to go out though. My best friend said she's got a present for me and that she's going to try to get out of [Pathfinders] so that we can go out somewhere. We don't know where we'll go. It depends on who is driving us. Neither of us drive right now so even at 22 and 21 we have to get out mom's to drive us around. It sucks.

    What did I want for my birthday

  • Well, nothing I can really have. [Death] was on the top of my list. A [computer], and [internet]. A car. My own place to live. To get completly plastered was also high on the list. Well I got perfume and a trip to sizzler and whatever little toy my best friend bought me....most likely something with [Rugrats], or [Garfield]. My mom, grandma, my sister, brother, and best friend acknoledged my birthday. Other than that it is just as shitty as every other day.

    At 2:30am last night I began my "celebrating" by cutting. I cut a lot and played with the blood, which I hadn't done in a long time. Then I took a shower. Then I shivered my way into my bed and watched tv until about seven am. Then I slept on and off until my family came over. Typical night really.

    Okay so I'm rambling on. I don't have much time in class to research/type/post write-ups. I have some notes on paper but I need to search e2 to see what is already here and what should be. Until I manage to get my laptop fixed you prolly won't see much from me. I check in every Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday evening. Most of class time is spent pretending to care about school work and then checking my email. Sorry for so much dayloging and so little good writing.

    Thank you everyone who reads this and cares. I do appreciate it.

  • Daylog: January 12, 2002

    My struggle with depression is once again a tough one....

    It can't be now

    The [silver] [blade]

    The [shine] will [fade]

    The [pale] [skin]

    She will [Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned|commit a sin]

    Slice the [flesh]

    [Don't be mean|Don't make a mess]

    [Sometimes I want blood|The blood does drip]

    Her mother would flip

    She watches the [blood]

    It is not quite a [flood]

    Just [a few drips]

    [Orange juice] she sips

    To keep up her [strength]

    The cut is of [great length]

    She wonders if her [life] will ever change

    She knows the [world] thinks she is [strange]

    At [twenty] years old [I have no work to do|she has no job]

    She lives with her [mom] and [How to stay up all night|all night she does sob]

    The thought of [suicide] does occur

    The only thing that stops it is amour

    [She Loves You|She loves] her family, they can't bury her now

    [there must be worse lives|She must wait for death] but she don't know

    [When] or [where] or [who] or [how]

    [All she knows] is it can't be [now]...

    Self-Injury Node

    This node is very [personal] to me. I actually wrote this [a long time ago], and just recently found it and decided, after much internal debate, to node it.

    The first couple times I [cut] myself it hurt. It [hurt] a lot. I did
    it to [punish] myself. I need a lot of punishment.

    Over time it changed though. I started to [ENJOY] it! I'm a [freak]. I'm [stupid]. I'm [crazy]. Some would say I deserve to be put to [death] but I'd enjoy that too! That's [what I want]! I don't [deserve to die], and I only
    [deserve to live] if my life is [miserable]. I'm [evil].

    Now when I [cut] myself I sometimes go away. I don't know I'm even doing it. Other times [I know] exactly what I'm doing. [Sometimes it hurts]. The reason [I'm still alive] is the [fear] I won't be able to cut [deep enough]. If I fail and get caught [life just gets harder]. The doctors and my mom think they're helping but all they seem to do is make that [craving] worse.

    That great need to [hurt] myself, and the need to kill myself.

    It grows and grows.

    I've tried [pills]. I've had my [stomach pump]ed twice. Makes you [feel like shit] for weeks. Worse than that. [Shit] is how I feel now. When I try to [kill] myself and fail it feels like that [fly] that got stepped on and [squished deep] into the shit or like that dead fly's shit.

    [I cut]. Then I go back the next day or the day after and use a [blade] to dig under the [scab] and make that cut just [a little deeper] and [a little wider]. Once that has scabbed and [dried] I do it again. And again. I will never be able to wear [shorts] or [dresses].

    I wish I didn't cut myself, it always makes people [upset] but [I need to bleed]. "It hurts me when you hurt yourself." I don't understand that.

    I cry [crimson tears] almost every night. [Slicing] my skin, [bleeding]…I actually take [pleasure] in it now. I have forgotten how to cry those clear [tears] [from my eyes]...I can only cry those tears of the crimson variety.

    Sometimes I wish I'd never started. Cutting is the only thing that
    has kept me from killing myself.

    My [mom] thinks it's my [best friend]’s fault. (Yes my best friend is also a [self-injurer]). What I do is nobody's fault by my own. I'm just [screwed up] in the head. I was born this way. I have no [purpose].

    I spend [night after night] making myself more and more [ugly] and [fat]. I eat and eat. All [junk]. [Popcorn] and [donut]s. [Chips and dip]. [Candy] bars.
    [Cookies]. [Ice Cream]. [Cheese]. [Peanut Butter]. [Nuts]. [Sugar]. [Salt].
    Everything fattening.

    I get [scared] over everything. [Scared of the world] I guess. I am never [calm] except when I'm bleeding.

    I wipe the [blood stains] off my [skin] and hide the [evidence]. Everything I've ever enjoyed is [wicked]. "[Computers] are bad." "[Internet] is evil." All my friends are "[the devil in disguise]."

    [Burning] ones' own skin is [sinful] [Slicing] up ones' own body is a [crime]. I've never been able to do anything right. Perhaps it is not the things I enjoy that is the [devil in disguise]…perhaps, just maybe, I am the evil one?

    I have made a difficult decision. I am going to have a lot of my more personal nodes nuked. and i'm going to change my homenode significantly. I am going to put the stuff being nuked here. things in [ ] are links. thinks in brackets that appear [here|there] are pipelinks. the second word appears but it really linked to the first word. okay well I'm gonna go start pasting the w/ups. and have them nuked off of e2. i'm crying. but i need to do this.
    It was a long day. Was a hard day but don't know what made it so. I lost large chunks of time again. It sucks.
    By the time I got to psychology class I was totally exhausted and my back killing me . I coulnd't stay awake in classs at all. the teacher was mad. told me if i'm that tired i need to leave. i wanted to cry .
    i was embarrased, frustrated, scared, and ehausted. I slept when i got home too. dreams were not good.
    when I was sleeping I dreamt they locked me up in the hospital again and that the bad man got me there and there was no help because i was in the hospital so i couldn't get help from my friends.

    Tuesday, April 13, 2004

    My Schedule (continued):
    Time don't exist. I used to have a piano class on wednesday but was forced to drop it. Now the only mention of time throughout the day is when the E2 server time hits midnight I get votes. weeeee. That is I think 4pm here, or it was. Daylight savings time made me all confused of course. What doesn't confuse me?
    But anyways...

    Similar to tuesday, but busier...
    11am: My best friend, "Europa", calls. At this point I get jump up and get all my stuff together, get dressed (sometimes I am already), brush my teeth and hair and whatnot, and am just about ready when she arrives at my house twenty or thirty minutes later.
    Once I'm ready we head out the door, to our college. It's a short drive and then we drive around in circles in the parking lot trying to find a spot. Generally we have about twenty minutes from the time we get out of the car until my class starts.
    Often times we will go to the student store or the cafeteria and buy ourselves a drink. I usually get a Sobe. Then we head toward my classroom.
    12noon: From the Citrus College Catalog:

    Strongly recommended: Reading 099 if reading score is below level 2.
    Use of Windows, Word, Excel, and Access for personal and professional
    productivity. Concepts and applications of common microcomputer
    computer hardware and software. May be taken two times. Recommended
    for all students. CSU;UC

    The class is scheduled for 12:00pm-1:50pm.

    The Book Club. I somehow became the secretary. Europa somehow became the treasurer.
    We are currently reading Dandelion Wine By Ray Bradbury.

    The meetings are over by 3pm, usually earlier. Europa and I head back to that computer lab. (Heh, what else is there to do?)

    4pm: "Linner" with Stephie and Liz. Seems more than half of the time we have pizza. I love cheese pizza.
    Usually back at the school between 5 and 5:30pm
    Guess what we do then? Yep, we get on the computers...but not in the computer lab. In the library.
    Liz has a class at I think 6pm.
    Stephanie and I have a library class together.
    Europa has her math class.
    Students will survey and evaluate a broad range of reference materials,
    databases, Internet search engines, and websites. They will prepare a
    bibliography, present a library orientation, learn how to conduct the
    reference interview, and formulate search strategies for answering user
    queries. CSU

    By 9:50pm we're out of there. Europa drops Stephanie home usually. Then me. I rush in and turn the tv on. ER. Then I'm back on the computer.
    Time loses meaning again....

    Between 8 and 8:30pm phone call is made. Karaoke at 9pm most weeks. It ends at 1am. Europa usually drives. None of us drink much or often. We go home when it's over and time goes back to its meaninglessness until 11am Tuesday moring.

    So No I must get ready. It's close to 11am Tuesday. The week has begun!

    okies i'm gonna try to continue what i was doing...I'm a bit distracted and it's about 10:30am so i've got about half an hour...
    I have decided, because I don't want to do any homework and I certainly don't feel like cleaning right now I would put my schedule here:

    My week starts on Tuesdays:

    11am: My best friend, "Europa", calls. At this point I get jump up and get all my stuff together, get dressed (sometimes I am already), brush my teeth and hair and whatnot, and am just about ready when she arrives at my house twenty or thirty minutes later.
    Once I'm ready we head out the door, to our college. It's a short drive and then we drive around in circles in the parking lot trying to find a spot. Generally we have about twenty minutes from the time we get out of the car until my class starts.
    Often times we will go to the student store or the cafeteria and buy ourselves a drink. I usually get a Sobe. Then we head toward my classroom.
    12noon: From the Citrus College Catalog:

    Strongly recommended: Reading 099 if reading score is below level 2.
    Use of Windows, Word, Excel, and Access for personal and professional
    productivity. Concepts and applications of common microcomputer
    computer hardware and software. May be taken two times. Recommended
    for all students. CSU;UC

    The class is scheduled for 12:00pm-1:50pm.
    I have a friend in this class, Zachary. Good guy. We spend a lot of time on AIM. I have not been doing much of the work for this class and will soon need to scramble to pass it.

    Europa's class is Literature of the Bible and starts at 12:30pm but she's also out of class by 2pm. I meet her in the main computer lab after class. I'm generally on AIM or ICQ at random times between 2pm and about 6:30pm on tuesdays. At some point we usually go to get food.

    6:30pm: Log off and head toward my Psychology class.

    Strongly recommended: Reading 099 if reading score is below level 2.
    An introduction to the field of psychology through a study of facts and
    principles involved in learning, motivation, intelligence, personality,
    and adjustment. CSU;UC (CAN PSY 2)

    The class is scheduled from 7pm until 9:50pm but I don't think it has ever run that close to 10pm. We usually get out early. Europa's class NEVER gets out early though. She has Trigonometry from 8pm-9:50pm. I usually go and log on in the computer lab and wait.

    10pmish: Headed home. I usually go potty, grab some oj and plop down on the bed in front of the computer. I'm online from then on. I do take naps, but can usually still be reached even while sleeping. My computer is a laptop that sits on a small table on top of the bed. I generally hear the IM's unless I'm in too deep of a sleep.

    ummm my attention span is short....Let's ride bikes!

    To be continued....
    Okay. Now. Let's start this now. Hmmmmm. Who is this Confusedalot/Bluebird/whoever the heck is writing this? I dunno.
    I'm me. I'm sometimes called Blue. I've got many names.

    I am a college student and spend most of my time online, most of that is spent on Great place. Anyways...I should be doing something right now. Homework and cleaning my room and such. Hmmmmm. The fact that I can post to this right through my IM which is always on and I'm pretty much never without a "buddy" or two on there, I'll prolly post fairly often. Now I just have to let my friends know....

    Oh, If you're trying to find me on e2 I'm bluebird_is_sad.

    P.S. I'm new to this so don't know if the teensy bit of HTML I used here will work. I'm a novice with coding anyways. Learning as I go....
    Testing how to Blog through GAIM. I'm new at this stuff bear with me. I'll actaully put info in these stupid posts once i know what i'm doing. okies people. weeeeeeeee.
    I got a blog?! okay *me goes to explore new blogging abilities*


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