Monday, November 26, 2007

what do i want to talk to my therapist about?

I'm not sure. I'm not good at actually coming up with a topic to talk about. I wish I could come up with a topic. I just go blank. Someone give me some ideas?

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Sleeping on the couch..

I spent most of the day asleep on the couch, with the heater on and a big, thick, fleece blanket on me. I was sooo comfy. I had bagel bite pizzas for dinner. My back hurts right now and I've got a headache and my nose is running and my ear hurts. So, in other words, I feel like shit. But whatever. My back only hurts when I breathe. I'm ok tho. A little depressed. A lot urgy. I still feel guilty about eating all the pudding and not leaving grandma any the other day. I also feel confused and frustrated about the whole damn cataloging class. I miss my phone. I wanted to call my mom today to ask her something and couldn't. She's signed on a couple times at night over the last few days but she never answers my instant messages. I have a long day tomorrow. Clubhouse, therapy, psychiatrist, mom's house, possibly the mall, talk to Shirley, and have pizza and learn about Christianity in psychology class.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Lonely night

Poor Dawggy is sick. I miss him and pray he feels better tomorrow. I hate when people I care about are sick. I don't want people to hurt or feel bad. My nose is running. I'm hurting all over. I have a headache. My ear hurts. I slept most of the day. I've been cold all day except for a short period of time after I ate. I had ramen for dinner. I had peanut butter and honey this afternoon. I had a raspberry sorbet bar (healty choice brand) for dessert. I also had some life cereal. I took my night meds a few minutes ago along with an ibuprofen.

I finished the chapter of Stand Like Mountain, Flow Like Water (a self-help/spirituality book used as one of 4 textbooks for psychology of religion). Now I have a blank spot on my list. I'll have to go look at old lists and see what I can stick in that spot.

/me misses Big Daddy.

Friday, November 23, 2007

my ear

My left ear keeps clogging up. It hurts. It's hard to hear out of it. I guess I may have an ear infection. If it is still bothering me monday I"ll hopefully have time to call my family doctor and make an appointment. Monday is going to be a long busy day. I have to be at clubhouse at 9:30am. It ends at 11:45am. I have therapy with Dr. Bellman at noon. That ends at 12:50pm. Then at 1pm I have an appointment with my psychatrist, Dr. Policar. After that I have to go to mom's house. Hopefully my new phone will be there. If it's early enough I'll try to go to the mall and ask them to try to transfer the contacts to the new phone. At four pm I have to go to school and talk to Shirley about my missing assignments/labs. Hopefully she'll be in a helpful mood. I'll stay there until I'm caught up or it gets to be seven pm. At seven I have psychology of religion. We're having "Crust and Christ night". We are learning about Christianity and having pizza.

I really like my psychology of religion class...The teacher is funny and interesting. The subject is interesting. Three of the four books are interesting and informative. (The fourth one is over my head). Dawggy and Harmony want to read the books when I am done with them. I hope they enjoy the class work as much as I have.

List all the qualities in yourself you like the least...

1. my physical appearance
2. my personality
3. my attention span and concentration
4. My emotions
5. Everything else.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving Day

I spent the day, from about 11am until about 5pm, with my family. We had a turkey dinner and got along well. I ate 3 plates of turkey and corn. I was and am a little disappointed because the one thing I was mainly looking forward to today was the banana pudding. Grandma said she was too tired to make it. So now I have to drive over there again tomorrow. I don't mind going over there but I've got to buy gas again tomorrow and it's so expensive. I LOVE warm banana puddidng though. And its nice to spend time with my family.

I spilt frosted mini wheats all over my floor a little while ago. I cleaned it up as best as I could be the floor still feels grainy. I dont know how to get it clean. I got upset and cut my leg. I'm a clumsy bitch that can't do anything right.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

This week...

Tommorrow:

Turkey day. I plan to get up as early as possible and go to my mom and grandma's house and eat banana pudding, turkey, and whatever else they have that I like to eat. I wish they were having cheesecake. I love cheesecake. Not as much as I love fresh, warm, homemade banana pudding though. I'll come home that night and get on the computer and follow a list, study, enter sweeps, and chat like I do everynight.


Friday:

Sleep. Chat, study, and enter sweeps.


Saturday:
The school is closed for Thanksgiving weekend so saturday will be the same to me as friday this week.



Sunday:

Once again it'll be a day of rest, studying, and being online.


Monday:

Busy day. I've got to leave here by nine am, which means forcing myself out of bed somehow. I have Clubhouse at 9:30am. I have an appointment with my therapist at noon, and an appointment with my psychiatrist at 1pm. After that I have to go to mom's house and hope my new phone is there. If I have time I'll go to the mall and see if they can transfer my contacts to the new phone. Around four pm I HAVE to get to the school and talk to Shirley about my missing assignments and the final project. At seven pm I have psychology class. It's "Christ and crust night". We are learning about Christianity and having pizza.


Tuesday:

Living well group. Then home to study, chat, etc.


Wednesday:

I have clubhouse and bloodwork in the morning (I have to be there at 9:30am). Then the afternooon will be spent sleeping or on the computer.

And so goes the next 7 days...

Missed clubhouse again, my phone, etc.

I did not get out of bed until some time after two this afternoon. I wrote a check for my car insurance and put a stamp on it and on my juror summons and walked over to the mail box and put them in it and got my mail from the last few days and brought it home. Then I went to the mall. I went to the Verizon store. After a short wait they called my name, looked at my phone and gave me some information to call about the phone insurance because the phone is insured by a third party. I then went to mom's house and asked her to call for me. She did and they charged my debit card like $59. :(
They said I should get my new phone on monday. Then I need to take both phones down to verizon and ask them if they can transfer my contacts to the new phone. I sure hope they can because I never wrote down the phone numbers on paper.
While I was at grandma's today they gave me a couple boxes of cereal to take home. I have to get up earlyish tomorrow and go over there before the pudding is cold/gone. I don't know what time grandma is making it but I'm really looking forward to it. I love homemade banana pudding, with slices of banana and Nilla wafers in it.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

strawberry mini wheats

I'm sitting here eating strawberry frosted mini wheats and following a list. I'm still a little sore from Disneyland.
I'm talking to Nanny.
I m thinking of nuking some cheese and tortillas. I can't seem to figure out what I want to satisfy my hunger. The mini wheats aren't it. The butterscotch pudding wasn't it either. neither were the cheetos. this is why i'm fat. i hate being fat but i hate being hungry.

Livingwell group

Today I made it to the clinic. I got there in time for Livingwell group. We had a check in group today. I talked about how hard of a time I've been having waking up in time. They suggested B vitamins.

After group I went to mom's house since I haven't talked to any of them since sunday because my phone is broken. I talked to Ricardo before I left the clinic. I have to mail in my juror summons in. He got the doctor to sign it for me so I don't have to do jury duty. He said he'd try to help me financially due to the hardship of having to pay $50 for my phone replacement. I got $60 out of the ATM so I can pay cash for my phone when I go tomorrow to Verizon after clubhouse. Then I got to go to mom's house until four pm when I have to go to the school and get help from Shirley on the two labs I missed.

I'm dreading tomorrow.

The day after Disneyland

As I do more days than not, I slept away the day. Yesterday (Sunday) we went to Disneyland (Me, mom, Hannah, Daniel, Dillon, and even Kylee). It was fun. It's so beautiful there at Christmas time. The castle is breathtakingly beautiful. Snow on the roof, a light purplish color, icicle lighting. The firework show is spectacular which I've come to expect from Disney and I haven't been disappointed so far. It was a good dayoverall except that I dropped my phone and broke it. I didn't get blisters this time because I wore expensive walking/running socks I bought for the marathon. Dillon and I stayed until about ten that night but my mom and the twins and Kylee went home right after it got dark.

Today (Monday) was not a good day. I couldn't get myself out of bed yet again. My back and legs and just all over was hurting to bad. I couldn't call the clinic because I broke my phone yesterday. I was supposed to go to clubhouse this morning at 9:30am and then see my therapist at noon. After that I was supposed to go to the mall and have my phone looked at. Then I was supposed to go to the college at 4pm to get help on the two labs I missed for cataloging class and work on them until class started at 7pm. I made it to class today but nothing before that. We learned about cults and had a test tonight. I hate true/false tests. I hate myself for not getting up. I just hurt too bad to function. I still hurt. From the top of my head to the bottom of my feet I hurt. I feel lonely. I feel depressed. I feel anxious. I feel like shit.

I want to die. I want my ashes spread at Disneyland (like that was a possiblity). I want to be buried wearing a mickey hears hat maybe. I want something Disney to be in my casket.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

7 hours and counting down

In seven hours I have to leave for school. I have to keep myself busy for seven hours. I'm watching Whose Line is it anyway. I'm following a new list that consists mostly of entering sweeps. I'm all alone. I suppose I can go into #bus. I want to eat but I don't want to gain weight. Well I guess I better move on cuz i don't know what else to say...

Friday, November 16, 2007

list all the qualities in yourself you like the least

1. my physical appearance
2. my personality
3. my attention span/concentration
4. my emotions
5. everything

raspberry oatmeal

Today I took two naps. I didn't go to sleep this morning until after 5am. I was going to stay up all night so I would be up for clubhouse but I got tired. Tonight I HAVE to stay up and make it to class. I made it to clubhouse today but just barely. Igot my meds for two weeks today. The clinic is closed next thursday and friday for thanksgiving. I slept a while when I got home and then got up and talked to Harmony and dawggy and then took another nap until like a little after seven pm. i ate ramen for dinner and raspberry oatmeal for dessert.

I'm kinda depresssed tonight. I'm worried about catching up in cataloging. I'm so lost in that class. I can't wait til its over. I hope I pass it. ANd

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The dentist, the school, the house, and the store

Today was a busy day. I had a dentist appointment at 1pm. I was a little late because I had a hard time finding it. Now that I know where it is it's like duh! He fixed my cavity and re-cemented my bridge in. They had this fancy dancy x-ray computer machine thingy. Instead of the flat little x-ray films it was a black plastic thing with a cord and the xrays showed up immediately on the computer screen. After he was done he had me make an appointment for a week from thursday to come in and have a deep cleaning.

After the dentist I went to Citrus College and straightened out my registration problem. I am now enrolled and paid up on my four upcoming classes (Speech 101 in the winter and Library 100 and 101 as well as Bio 104 in the spring).

Then with my nose and upper lip still numb I went to mom's house. I brought with me a few things...Loaned Dillon the Jay Leno autobiography which he's apparently doing a school report on...brought Kylee a copy of Darren's cds, and my mom a copy of Tim McGraw's greatest hits volume 2. I was there for a while, drank up some of their soda then went to the store. As a treat I bought mom some chips and dip, some bananas and Kylee an apple. I bought myself a bunch of groceries too. I went to Stater Bros. I dropped my families stuff off then came home.

Talked to Harmony a short while on the phone while I put my groceries away then she went to watch tv and go to bed. Then when I got my perishables put away I called my mom to let her know I got home safe and such. Then I talked to Jerry,

words (Darren Hayes)

Gimme a taste of what's to come
Give me a medicine
Teach me a lesson, maybe I deserve to know
Cut me down to size and paralyze me
With the contents of your pretty little head

Gimme somewhere else to go
Give me one thing
Tell me something I don't really need to know
I am so afraid of breaking what we made
It is delicate and lovely
But it's a weight above me

And your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen to your words

I'd like to step into your world
Show me a secret
I promise to keep it safe and sheltered from the storm
I would cross the great divide that keeps me swimming
Treading water from your shore

Now I wanna coax you from your hell
Into an alley, the hidden valley
Where the truth can surely spill
I wanna take the weight that drags you to the ground
Spare this treasure that I found

But your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen...

There's a lock, someone's stolen the key
They took it away from me
Somewhere that noone can read ya
I see a bible
I see a bible in your eyes
All those codes and hidden meanings
Full of metaphor
and something for the faithless in me

But your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide
And your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen to your words

peppermint tea.

I'm nauseated again tonight. I'm drinking peppermint tea. I took vicodin and soma tonight cuz my head and back were hurting. I then drank three or four cups of green tea. This is my second cup of peppermint tea. I need to buy a container of peppermint candies. They help better than the ttea for me.

It's almost 1am. Today I have to be up by like nooon. I have a dentist appointment in Glendora at 1pm to have my bridge put back in. Then I need to go down to Citrus College and try to get help registering because the class I need I can't register for because I've attempted it before. I need to go by grandma's house too. I got a couple things I need to take them. Then if I'm not too tired I'll go grocery shopping.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

list what you wish whenever you see a shooting star, blow out your birthday candles, or drop a coin in a fountain.

1. Death/the world ending
2. more money
3. heal sick family and friends
4. I could lose weight easily
5. meet Darren Hayes and have him sing to me. *swoon*

its wednesday

It's 1:13am. So it's wednesday. This morning I have to get up early and make it to clubhouse and alse to get my blood drawn. Then I have to get home and do a little bit of last minute straighting up because Ricardo is coming over for a home visit. I'm a little nervious about this. What if my apartment isn't clean enough? What if he snoops around and finds my blades and takes them away and sends me to the hospital? No one from the clinI ic has seen my apartment.

Last night I had trouble sleeping because the acid reflux was so bad to sleep propped up to an almost sitting up position and could feel the acid in my throat. I threw up once last night. I hate throwing up. It leaves a nasty taste in your mouth even if you brush your teeth and makes you feel shitty.

Monday, November 12, 2007

list your typical daydreams

1. being at Disneyworld with my family
2. meeting Sandye and Jerry
3. Having lots of money
4. having a party
5. having a job

this list

1. journal
2. kitchen
3. email
4. bedroom/closet
5. me
6. blog
7. OLS
8. school
9. music
10. classic heartland/blingo/winzy


My nose is running. I just finished eating a bag of "suicide popcorn" which is popcorn with so much butter on it that it's sure to clog your arteriees.

I'm watching Jon and Kate plus 8. I need to go shopping soon. I'm pretty much out of soda, oatmeal, lightbulbs, snacks etc.

flu shot

Today I did not wake up in time for clubhouse, yet again, but thanks to Dawggy I did get up in time for therapy and meds. Ricardo talked to me for a while. All I had to say was "I don't know" to him and to Dr. Bellman. I just couldnt focus enough to come up anything to say. I hate myself. I go to the clinic every week but it doesnt help cuz I dont say the right stuff. I just don't know the answers to their questions and I do not function well in the morning, period. No matter when I go to bed I still am a mess in the morning.

sore on the roof of my mouth

I don't know how it go there but there's a rough, sore spot on the roof of my mouth that is driving me up the wall. It's bery bothersome. O wello. Its not a big deal.

I've got a test a week from today/tomorrow (Its almost 2am right now) in psychology of religion. I've got all 4 books read and marked. It's an open book test. I hope I do okay on it. I plan on looking over the material a little more during the week so I'll be able to find stuff hopefully pretty easy during the test. Hopefully it's not an all true/false test this time. I always second guess myself on every true false.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

slept all day yet again

I was up a little while to talk to Harmony then went to bed again until like 8pm. Then I got up and ate some pizza. I just finished eating my last two strawberry struddles. They were good. I need to make more koolaid. Tomorrow I have to be at the clinic at 9:30am for clubhouse and meds, and then see Dr. Bellman at noon. Then I'm going to moms house because I have an appointment with my family doctor (Dr. Girgis) at 3pm. I do not have class tomorrow. I think it's Veteran's day. Next week we have a test.

list all the promises you keep making to yourself.

1. I won't cut today
2. I will get up when the alarm goes off
3. I will stay up and not go back to sleep
4. I will get to the clinic/school on itme.
5. I will exercise

Saturday, November 10, 2007

3am

I have to get up in about 3.5 hours but I'm not going to bed. I have such a hard time waking up the only way I'm sure to be up and ready for school is to spend all night up, keeping busy, and then sleep away the afternoon. Hopefully I'll be able to get my assignments done as early as possible. It's gonna be a long day cuz I have to talk to the teacher about making up a couple assignments. I really need to pass this class. I can't stand to take it again. I'd have to petition to take it again too. I HATE this class. I can't wait til its over but I wish the psychology of religion class was longer.

I'm so nausious...I knew better than to eat all that pizza especially hwen i'm out of pills. I've been drinking peppermint tea and 7up and ate a peppermint candy.

The Artist's Way

"The heart of creativity is an experience of the mystical union; the heart of the mystical usion is an experience of creativity. Those you speak in speritual terms routinely refer to God as the creator, but seldom see creator as the literal term for artist."

-Julia Cameron

Friday, November 9, 2007

Marcie, Eddie, Danielle, John, and Sergio

My friends came over tonight and we had pizza and sat around and talked. This was the first time any of us met Marcie's boyfriend. He seems really nice and she seems happy. I thought it was sweet how they held hands while we were all talking. We talked about a lot of different things but most of which I knew nothing about cuz it had to do with people from charter oak and what they did after they graduated (football players etc) and I didnt recognize a lot of the names. oh well

It was fun

didnt make it to the clinic AGAIN

I missedevery group this week. and today i was supposed to get my meds and didnt. i'm a total fuckup. I hate myself. i screw everything up. why cant i ever get myself to get out of bed in time?

Thursday, November 8, 2007

watching grey's anatomy

Dawggy just started helping me wth a new list. I finished a few things on the old list and completely rearranged what was left of the list into a new 10 item list instead of the old 15 item list.

1. journal/blog
2. kitchen
3. desk/dresser/floor/bed
4. email
5. me
6. stand like mountain
7. OLS
8. psych final/notebook
9. music
10. classic heartland/blingo/winzy

slept the day away again

I meant to stay up all night so i'd be up this morning in time to go to the DMV but i layed down early this morning with a backache and a headache and went to sleep. I slept most of the day. When I did wake up when my mom called my phone was dying so I plugged it in and went back t o sleep. by the time it was charged it was too late to go today. I"m such a fuck up.

I hate myself

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

sick and tired

I feel like shit. Headache is bad. Throat hurts. Sinuses acting up. Back killing me. Ache all over. I slept on and off all day. I had scrambled eggs for dinner with a little bit of chives in them. Then I ate some life cereal (dry of course). I feel very depressed today. I want to si. I want to die.

In the morning I have to go to the dmv and get a new drivers licence.

slept again

I screwed up again. I think I talked to my mom on the phone this morning but I'm not sure. I fell back asleep and slept til about 1pm. I hate my self. I can't do anything right. I went to bed early last night and I still couldnt wake up. I took my meds a little early too. I'm so tired. all the time. my throat hurts and i ache allover. i want to die.

list all the people you wish you hadn't trusted.

1. my first therapist
2. my second therapist
3. my first psychatrist
4. my online friend barbara
5. everyone

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

keep the faith (Michael Jackson)

Mm-hmm
If you call out loud
Will it get inside?
Through the heart of your surrender
To your alibis

And you can
Say the words
Like you understand
But the power's in believing
So give yourself a chance

Cuz you can
Climb the highest mountain
Swim the deepest sea-ee

All you need is the will to want it
And a
Little self-esteem

So keep the faith
Don't let nobody turn you round
You got to know when it's good to go
To get your dreams up off the ground

So keep the faith
Baby yeah
Because it's just a matter of time
Before your confidence will win out

Believe in yourself no matter what it's gonna take
You can be a winner but you gotta keep the faith
Gon' keep it brother
You got

And when you think of trust
Does it lead you home?
To a place that you only dream of
When you're all alone

And you can go by feel
'Stead of circumstance
But the power's in believing
So give yourself a chance

I know that you can
Sail across the water
Float across the sky-i
Any road that you take will get you there
If you only try

So keep the faith
Ow
Don't let nobody take you down brother
Just keep your eyes on the prize
Feet flat on the ground

So keep the faith
Baby yeah
Because it's just a matter of time
Before your confidence will win out

I told my brother how to do the thing right
Lift up your head and show the world you got pride
Go for what you want
Don't let them get in your way
You can be a winner but you gotta
Keep the faith
Gon' keep it brother
You got

I know that keepin the faith
Means never givin up on love
But the power that love has
Has to make it right
Makes it
Makes it right

So keep the faith
Don't let nobody turn you round brother
You got to know when it's good to go
Get your dreams up off of the ground

So keep the faith
Baby yeah
Because it's just a matter of time
Before your confidence will win out

Better stand up and act like you wanna do it right
Don't play the fool for the rest of your life
Work on it brother and you'll make it someday
Go for what you want and don't forget the faith

Look at yourself and what your doin right now
Stand back a minute just to check yourself out
Straighten up your life and how your livin each day
Get yourself together cuz you gotta keep the faith

Don't let nobody take you down brother
Just keep your eyes on the prize
Your feet flat on the ground

So keep the faith
Baby yeah
Because it's just a matter of time
Before your confidence will win out

Lift up your mind before your mind gets blown
Some things in life you're best just leave them alone
Go for what you want
Don't let it get in your way
You can make it happen but you gotta keep the faith Gon' keep it brother
You got to keep the faith
Yeah keep the faith
Gon' keep it sista
You got to keep the faith

I told my brother how to do the thing right
Lift up your head and show the world you got pride
Go for what you want
Don't let them get in your way
You can be a winner if you keep the faith

Straighten out yourself and get your mind on track
Dust off your butt and get your self-respect back
You've know me long enough to know that I don't play
Take it like you want it but you got to keep the faith
Gon'


Don't let nobody take you down
Just keep your eyes on the prize
Your feet flat on the ground

So keep the faith
Baby yeah
Because it's just a matter of time
Before your confidence will win out
But till that day
I said you gotta keep the faith

didnt wake up again

Once again I screwed up and didn't geet up. I was supposed to go to the DMV and to living well group. I didnt get up til 3pmish when my next door neighbor knocked on the door asking if I use my shed. He wants to put a lock on the gate.

I woke up feeling like shit. Throat raw. Cough. Snotty nose. Achey all over.

Well I guess I'll try to study so I a least accomplice something even though I effed up again and slept all day. I hate myself.

dropped the eggs

I went to bed around 5am lastnight/last morning/this morning. I got up late. Missed clubhouse but made it to therapy. Had to do 5 year re-evaluation today/yesterday (monday! this time thing is so confusing to me). Then I had to go to Ralph's grocery store to pick up my ibeprofen perscription. Mom asked me to pick up some eggs for her. I did. When I got to the house they fell out of the bag and made a mess on the floor. I'm so stupid I can't even hold a bag right. I played with the twins. Picked up Kylee from schoool. Ate chicken nuggets, corn on the cob (which is difficult with no front teeth), and french fries. Then I went to class. Was a smart ass in class. He talked about evil. Decorated the room with halloween stuff. then he talked about the next test which we'll have week after next. reviewed a bit for this weeks test. then we took the test. next week there is no class cuz it's veterans day.

it's 4am but I'm not ready for bed. I'm getting stuff done, able to focus and don't want to lose the opportunity to get school work done.

I have to go to the dmv by like 9am tomorrow/today so i wont be there all day. I can't find my drivers license that has not expired so I have to go get a new one. then in the afternoon i have livingwell group.

list the animals that really scare you

1. snakes
2. spiders and other bugs
3. lions
4. tigers
5. bears

Oh my!

Risks (unknonw author)

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out is to risk involvement.
To expose feelins is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams bbefore the crowd is to risk their love.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But the greatest hazard in life is to risk n othing.
The one who risks nothing does nothing and has nothing and finally is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrows,
But he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitude, he is slave; he has forfeited freedom.
Only one who risks is free!

Monday, November 5, 2007

list what usually goes through your mind just before you sleep.

1. Prayer for family and friends
2. Fear of someone breaking in
3. The emptiness in my heart
4. I hope I wake up in time
5. I hope I never wake up again

my stupid mouth (john mayer)

My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change

Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one soon

We bit our lips
She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess
with the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly
An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good,
what just slipped out
and what went wrong

Oh, the way she feels
about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one

I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me

Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now

One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

Oh, the way she feels
about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one

I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me

Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now

Sunday, November 4, 2007

list what consistently worries you everyday

1. not having enough money
2. the cause of my headaches
3. the health and safety of my family and friends
4. losing someone I love
5. getting kicked out of my apartment

hot green tea

I've lost count of how many cups of green tea I've had tonight. Probably close to a dozen, each with 2 packets of splenda in them. Some wiwth lemon.

Dawggy, sick as a dog andwith something inhis eye, is helping me keep up with a list. I'm being productive tonight.

It's hot in here. Probably because I've drank so much hot tea and have been moving around a lot tonight.

why you wanna trip on me (M. Jackson)

They Say I'm Different
They Don't Understand
But There's A Bigger Problem
That's Much More In Demand
You Got World Hunger
Not Enough To Eat
So There's Really No Time
To Be Trippin' On Me

You Got School Teachers
Who Don't Wanna Teach
You Got Grown People
Who Can't Write Or Read
You Got Strange Diseases
Ah But There's No Cure
You Got Many Doctors
That Aren't So Sure
So Tell Me

Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Stop Trippin'

We've Got More Problems
Than We'll Ever Need
You Got Gang Violence
And Bloodshed On The Street
You Got Homeless People
With No Food To Eat
With No Clothes On Their Back
And No Shoes For Their Feet

We've Got Drug Addiction
In The Minds Of The Weak
We've Got So Much Corruption
Police Brutality
We've Got Streetwalkers
Walkin' Into Darkness
Tell Me
What Are We Doin'

To Try To Stop This

Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Ooh Stop Trippin'
Yeah Stop Trippin'
Everybody Just Stop Trippin'

Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Stop Trippin'

Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Why You Wanna Trip On Me
Ooh Stop Trippin'
Yeah Stop Trippin'
Everybody Just Stop Trippin'

Stop Trippin'
Stop Trippin'
Stop Trippin'
Stop Trippin'

List what always makes you laugh

1. Babies gigling
2. Sandye and Jerry teasing each other
3. My mom trying to be funny
4. Marcie's sarcasm
5. Darren Hayes dancing

poor harmony and dawggy

They're sick. pukey sick. I wish i could make them feel better but theres nothing I can do. I miss them. harmony hasn't been on the computeer at all lately. shes been on the couch all the time. she's always sick.

I woke up with a cough and feel cold. but my mood is up a little compared to most days. i'm following a list.

i ate some jello. i made it last night. strawberry-kiwi.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

randomness

I don't really have anything to say. I just turned off my TV and turned on music. I'm currently listening to Hero by Darren Hayes. it's 12am and I'm a little hot. I feel very depressed and lonely tonight. I am disappointed in myself for not making it to class. I hate myself. I always have. I probably always will. I cut my stomach today and now I want to cut my legs. I need to bleed. I need to cry crimson.

I feel so hopeless. So empty. So alone. Even when I'm with people, talking to people I still feel lonely and lost and confused. I'm scared. I might fail cataloging and I can't deal with that. I don't know what to do anymore.

Things to do

bed
floor
desk
dresser
closet
bathroom
livingroom
hallway cabinets
kitchen
cataloging
psych notebook
psych final
psych questions
psych study
emails
classic heartland sweeps
OLS
MHF
e2
blog
journals
laundry

depressed, urgy, and lonely

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I hate myself and I want to die. I screw everything up. I am trying so hard not to cut but I just have to do it. It's either cut or OD. cutting has no permanent effects. OD would end it and I can't do that cuz I'd hurt my friends and family.

Everyone is aggravated with me. It's all my fault. I can't do anything right. I can't even make it to class.

Dear Lord,

please take me home. i love you. in Jesus name I pray.

Amen

missed class again

I wanna cut so bad. I screwed up again. I wasn't going to go to bed last night so I wouldn't miss class but stupid me layed down and went to sleep this morning. I emailed the teachers and asked if there is sometime this week that I can come in and get help with the lab. I'm so stupid. I hate myself. I can't do anything right.

words (darren hayes)

Gimme a taste of what's to come
Give me a medicine
Teach me a lesson, maybe I deserve to know
Cut me down to size and paralyze me
With the contents of your pretty little head

Gimme somewhere else to go
Give me one thing
Tell me something I don't really need to know
I am so afraid of breaking what we made
It is delicate and lovely
But it's a weight above me

And your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen to your words

I'd like to step into your world
Show me a secret
I promise to keep it safe and sheltered from the storm
I would cross the great divide that keeps me swimming
Treading water from your shore

Now I wanna coax you from your hell
Into an alley, the hidden valley
Where the truth can surely spill
I wanna take the weight that drags you to the ground
Spare this treasure that I found



But your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen...

There's a lock, someone's stolen the key
They took it away from me
Somewhere that noone can read ya
I see a bible
I see a bible in your eyes
All those codes and hidden meanings
Full of metaphor
and something for the faithless in me

But your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide
And your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen to your words

1:40am

Dawggy is helping me with a list as usual but I'm sure he'll probably go to bed soon. I don't plan on going to bed tonight so I'll be up for school and not sleep through the alarm. then i'll come home from class and go to sleep. i took a shower. i washed clothes (they're in the dryer now) i finished writing the easiest part of my psych of religion final paper (class experience). i had a thin crust red baron pizza and a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich tonight.

list how you feel when you've been lied to.

1. decieved
2. mad
3. sad
4. scared
5. upset

Friday, November 2, 2007

list your favorite talents

1. reading
2. writing essays
3. researching
4. living on my own
5. i know a lot about disneyland and darren hayes

list the situations that always make you cry

1. Whenever I upset someone that I care about
2. Whenever someone is mad at me
3. When I screw up and don't get out of bed in time to get what I need to do/get where i need to be done.
4. when my back hurts so bad that it hurts to preathe
5. When I want to cut and can't.
6. when the inside people chant
7. when I think about the past
8. when I think about the future
9. when I think about money
10. when i get frustrated

List all the things you've made or built by hand.

1. Savage Garden website
2. 3-d puzzle of Cinderlla's castle
3. The kitchen table (with help from my mom)
4. my blog
5. my e2 page

list the places you go in your mind when you want some peace and quiet

1. whereever Darren Hayes is singing
2. a deserted spot at Disneyland
3. my bedroom in my own apartmment
4. high school
5. at my computer

subway

Today I went to subway while i was waiting for my meds at the clinic. i got a foot long turkey and cheese sandwitch and a bag of baked sour cream and onion chips. i was only going to eat half of it and save the rest for dinner but i ate it all. oh well. it was expensive. nine something. i paid my rent.

list the compliments you receive on a regular basis.

1. You look young
2. Your hair is pretty
3. You're spart
4. You're honest
5. You write well

(all lies of course)

List your "Sunday" rituals.

Sunday is my free day. I'm usually exhausted from the week of doing stuff. I sleep most of the day. I eat several times. lately i spend a lot of time crying. i usually cut out of frustration over the studying i attempt to get done on sundays. i spend sundays just like every other day of the week: praying for God to take me home.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

missed an appt and got people mad at me

Jerry called me SEVERAL times this morning and I effed up big time by not getting up when I was supposed to and not only did I make someone I love upset with me but I also have to go 2 more weeks with my bridge and poligrip all day. yuck.

i saw dr. jay today. they are switching me from dr policar to dr jay. I had him a long time ago and never cared much for me. maybe it'll be different this time tho.

i have to go friday (tommorrow/today) for clubhouse and to get my meds. i hate getting up so early. i really suck at it.

i spent the last couple hours with headphones on listing to This Delicate Thing We've Made (Darren Haye's double album he just recently released). that helped me. i still want to cut but not as bad. i cut my stomach a bit earlier.

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