Monday, January 28, 2008

kylee's birthday

We went to the Old Spaghetti Factory for kylee's birthday. her girlfriend trisha called 4 times while we were there telling kylee to hurry up. kylee rushed us all so she could get to the movies with trica. she didnt even come home and let us sing happy birthday and have cake. she don't want to do anything with her family at all. she acted aggravated that she had to spend even part of her birthday with her family. i know a lot of teenagers dont like hanging out with their family but they dont have to be downright hateful.

my therapist is coming to my house tomorrow. i still have a little bit of cleaning to do tonight and i want to finish sweeps. following a list right now.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Another day, just the same as always. How are you? I don't know. I really don't. I'm so lost. I'm so tired. Not the kind of tired that going to bed will fix. This tired is different. It's the exhaustion that comes from sharing body and mind with the inside people. The exhaustion that comes from always hurting. My back has been so bad lately. Last night was the worste. I couldnt get comfortable laying down. I couldnt get comfortable sitting up. I took a hot shower, took a baclofen I found in a box I didnt know i still had. I have 2 more. I also took tylenol. The pain goes down my right leg. It got a little better after all that but I was still in quite a bit of pain. My hands and lower arms and my feet and lower legs all always either hurt or are asleep. The headaches have not decreased despite taking elavil everynight. The doc said the longer i take it the better it'd work but i've been taking it for several months now. I see the neuro again next week. I'm going to tell him the pain is so bad I cant even function and it's true. Between it all I just can't even thrink straight a lot of the time. The raynaud's is worse this year. I think its that causing the arm/leg thing but its never done that before. always just hands and feet. my left hand is worse than right hand which sucks cuz i'm left handed. I hate living. I'm so sick of being in pain. I don't want to do it anymore.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


I just at a sorbet. It was cold. I was already cold. I didn't manage get out of bed until like 6pm. I suck. I never do anything right. I didn't wash the dishes last night and when I made chicken nuggets tonight i knocked my roll of papertowels into the pan full of water that is soaking from the mac and cheese i made last night. Ruined the whole damn roll. I never do anything right. Once again I have no meds. I left my purse at my moms house last night on accident and I didn't go get it today. I didn't do anything today. I ate. I watched tv and I chatted with marcie and dawggy. thats it. now i'm doing a list. i still need to explain to topaz about my list.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

itts hard to swallow

I've been having a hard time swallowing for the past several days. I've also been acheing all over. My back has been hurting worse than usual and sometimes the pain is in my leg too. Theres been short periods of time when it hurts so bad that I couldnt walk very well. My headaches have been pretty bad this weekend/week. I hurt all over. All weekend I've hurt bad. Today my stomach and back hurt more because I started my damn dot. I went to the clinic today but I was supposed to be there at 9:30am and I didn't get there until about 1:30pm. Gabby, the med nurse, gave me my meds for tonight , told me I didn't have to go to IOP anymore because it's not helping because I just can't get there that early in the day very well. I missed my pdoc appointment and have my next one in two weeks. I have to go to the clinic tomorrow and get a week's worth of medicine. I have to talk to ricardo tomorrow too.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

I'm F.I.N.E.

Doing a list. Pretending to be fine. So many thoughts. So much noise. It's so hard not to cut, not to make it quiet down. I'm trying though. I don't know why though. I eventually do it most of the time so why don't I just get it over with and feel some relief sooner? But that makes people mad at me. I can't stand it when people are mad at me. My head hurts. My hands hurt. My feet hurt. My arms and legs hurt. My back hurts a little. I just hurt all over. I've taken tylenol but I'm still hurting. I need something stronger. I miss having vicodin. It actually helped. Lortab helped even more. When you ask for those drugs though they don't want to give them because if you take more than you're supposed to it can be used as a recreational drug. Or sold for that purpose. I just want the pain to stop. Both the inside pain and the physical pain. Why won't it stop?

Saturday, January 19, 2008

pain and numbness

My arms and legs keep hurting and when they're not hurting they're numb. My hands and feet have always done this. That's why I was diagnosed with Raynaud's disease when I was in 7th grade. Raynaud's is onl supposed to affect the hands, feet, nose, and ears I thought. But I could be wrong. I usually am. I see the neurologist on the 30th and i'll ask him and if he ddon't know what to do i'll make an appointment with my regular doctor and talk to him about the numbenss and the pain and my equilibrium.

I broke my tree :(

A year or two ago Harmony made me this ceramic tree at clubhouse. I've kept it on my desk shelf ever since. I liked to have it where I could see it. It reminded me how giving my friends are. Well today I bumped the desk again, pretty hard. The tree came flying at me and hit the floor next to me and shattered. I just want to cry. Harmony said accidents happen and she'll make me something else when she goes back to clubhouse. I'm glad she's not mad at me. I told my mom and she said well you shouldn't have stuff like that on your shelves anyways and you shouldn't bump the desk.

I hate myself...

Friday, January 18, 2008

slept hard

Last night I set my alarm for noon. It didn't wake me up. Harmony and Dawggy tried to make as much noise on the computer as possible, which usually wakes me up. Harmony called me. Topaz called me. I slept through all of that. When Harmony called me a second time I heard it and answered and got up. That was about 1:30pm I think.

My apartment is clean, except the closet. The closets bad. I've been really bored today. I probably called my mom half a dozen times or more. I sent my mom tons of emails. Forwards I've saved in gmail for as long as two years.

We were thinking of going back to Disneyland this sunday but Dillon has a throat infection and an ear infection so we will probably wait until next week. I don't care either way.

I've been talking to topaz a lot lately. online and on the phone. she's very nice and funny. She's having a really hard time right now tho. I try to be there for her as much as possible and distract her from her inside people. She's a lot like me.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

the inspection

A lady from housing authority came about eleven this morning. She had this tiny little notebook computer with a touchscreen and a pen to touch it with. She asked a few questions, tested the smoke detector, looked at the waterheater, and sat for a few minutes doing something on her computer. She said the water heater needs a second earthquake strap. She also complained that she couldn't walk through a path from the front house driveway to my apartment, and had to drive around to the alley.

I'm glad that's over.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Sunday and monday

On sunday I got up early but not as early as I'd planned. I had set my alarm but forgot to turn it on so I didn't get up til mom called. The 6 of us went to Disneyland. Grandma got mad at us for not coming home until like 11pm. She wanted us home by dark. I lost my annual pass. We got good seats for the fireworks. They cancelled the fireworks due to mild winds.

On monday I slept. I was supposed to leave at 9am to get to the clinic. Slept right through the alarm. Mom called. I went back to sleep. Eventually it was too late to go. I had a dentist appointment at 3pm but according to the dentist it was at 2:30 but I know it was supposed to be at 3pm because when I'd made the appointment I told them I could not get there until at least 3pm. The dentist appointment was because my bridge came out and this time broke the took that held it in into pieces. That bridge cannot be put back in now. Mom called. I fell back asleep. Dentist called moms house since I wasn't there at 2:30. Mom called me, mad. I called the dentist. By then it was too late to go. They can't get me in until a week from tuesday.

Monday night I talked to Topaz and she called me. She helped me clean my room by keeping me moving and telling her what I was doing and giving me suggestions. I got quite a bit done but there is still more to do. Mom is coming in the morning while I am at the clinic. I have to leave for the clinic at 9:00am. I have IOP until 2pm. Then I have to get my meds. Then I have to go to living well group, which I will be late for because of IOP. That ends at 3:30 so I should be home by 4pm. When I get home I'll need to go get my mail and send out my car insurance bill. I have already written the check.

On wednesday housing authority is coming to inspect my apartment. Not sure what time. They gave me a large window they will come sometime during.

I have tried to be not negative in this post but I doubt I've succeeded. I'm sorry.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I am a negative person

I can't help it. I'm always negative no matter how hard I try to be positive and fine. What am I going to do about it? I'm gonna STFU. I will no longer call or instant message anyone unless it is necessary. When I do call or instant message anyone I will not talk about myself, my life, my feelings, or anything that could be considered negative. I will talk about what needs to be talked about then leave whoever it is alone. I will continue to sit in the chatrooms I live in (manicdepression, depressionchat) and will say hi to people who come in either. I will not volunteer any information about myself. I will not join channels like #bus unless I absolutely have nothing else to do and when I do go in a chatroom I will sit queitly. I'm just going to leave people alone. If you need someone to talk to, I'll listen. I'll still be longed in just like always but I will no longer IM people or call people. I'm just ignored most of the time anyway so I don't know why I even talked to anyone to begin with. I'm sorry. I'm going to shut up now before I get any more negative.


3:35am and a list

I'm listening to my ipod on my ihome and following a list. I'm trying to do each thing on the list for the length of one song. The goal is to do the things I NEED to do for AT LEAST the length of a song (things like cleaning) and the things I don't really need to do for no more than the length of a song (such as myspace and email).

I slept til about 4:20 or so at least so I have been up for about 11.5 hours now. Lately thats a long time for me. I am feeling stressed because my apartment is a mess and I've got until the 16th (it's now the less than 6 days) to get it clean because Housing Authority will be inspecting it.

The list I'm using:

1. journal
2. floor/bed/closet
3. music
4. ols
5. email
6. classicheartland/bleuteam/
7. laundry
8. me
9. kitchen
10. livingroom/bathroom/hallway
11. blog
12. winzy/blingo
13. desk/tv/dresser/nightstand
14. read
15. myspace/e2
16. pictures
17. dishes
18. journals/magazines
19. backup
20. mail/lists/school

1. paper notebook
3. mostly putting music on computer so I can put it on my ipod later
6. sweeps/emails I primarily use for sweeps
8. food/drink/potty etc
12. and (search engines that give you a chance to win a prize with every search)
14. Currently reading "Stand Like Mountain, Flow Like Water" by Brian Luke Seaward, PH.D.
15. e2 is (spending most of this time on tho)
16. sometimes scaning pictures, other times uploading pictures, sometimes finding pics online to use in myspace comments etc.
18. I have a journal that me and Marcie write back and forth in (which I need to find) and a journal I write back and forth in with Harmony. Magazines is cutting out pictures and words to paste into journals and whatever else from old magazines that pile up in my place.
19. Saving all the files on my computer that I don't want to lose either on a cd or on the web because I'm going to have to reinstal windows soon and will lose everything on my computer.

I think everything else is pretty easy to figure out. If theres anything anybody is unsure of theres a little comment button...

Well I obviously spent waaaay too much time doing this (4 or 5 songs) so it's time to move on.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

CEC and more


That's me and my mom at Chuck E. Cheese yesterday. I was laughing at my mom and at Hannah doing everything she could to mess up every picture. She'd run up and cover the camera lense right before the pic was taken. So we'd try to hold her back and she'd do everything she could to mess up the picture, trying to get away, lifting her leg way up to block the lens with her foot, etc.

I was supposed to go go the clinic today but instead I stayed in bed until after 4pm. I'm so stupid. I didn't get my stupid pills. I didn't go to IOP. I missed my therapy appointment AGAIN. I never do anything right. I cut again a little while ago. My therapist must think I'm avoiding her. I'm not. I just can't get myself out of bed. I haven't even been doing much online lately. I get cold, I get frustrated, I get bored with what I'm doing, I get lonely, or whatever, it doesn't really matter...I just go get in bed. That and cutting is my answer to everything now. And once I'm in bed I stay there for hours and hours and hours. Often from like midnight until like five pm. I don't do anything anymore. I just don't want to. I just want to die.

When asked I say I'm "ok" or at least "ok i guess". I laugh and smile while the inside people chant "die bitch die" or tell me i'm a "fucking loser" or sometimes laugh at me. Elly isn't mean, Helen isn't mean. They're just kids. They uusally just do kid things. laugh and play and be silly. lately they cry a lot. the other inside people scare them. i like some of the inside people like elly and helen but some of them like david are really mean and scary.

I'm there for my friends. I care about and love my friends. I worry about Marcie sometimes. Today I called to check on her and ask her if she or her boyfriend knows how to hook up dvd players and Wii's, but mainly to see how she's doing. Tonight an online friend came into #depressionchat and she was feeling really really bad. suicidal. i gave her all the lies and a few truths she needed to hear to make it through the night. things will get better. people love you and would be hurt if you died (true!). things can't get worse. i care about you (true). Etc. Etc. I'm almost always able to be there for everyone else. I listen. I tell them I understand. I respond to what they say. I agree with them or as gently as possible I tell them why I don't agree with them. I try to give them feedback. Mostly I just keep them company and let them know I'm listening. Nanny says I should major in psychology and help agoraphobics online or something.

Ok, well, I'm done rambling for the moment. I have less than a week before they come inspect my apartment and it's in no shape to have people look at it. I need to try to make progress on it before I go back into hiding.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

still pretending in 2008

I still hate myself just as much as ever. I still want the world to end/my life to end. I am still pretending to be fine though. I hate it. I just don't want to be a burden to anyone.

Today I was supposed to go to IOP and get my meds and talk to Ricardo about my rent. Instead I slept until 6:30pm. I just could not get myself to wake up enough to get out of bed. I'm such an idiot. So now, once again, I don't have medicine. But, honestly, I don't really care. It doesn't do shit for me anyways. I take the stupid stuff everyday and have been for a long time now and I still always feel like shit. I don't know why I bother to take it. I don't know why I bother to go to the clinic at all. I sit through the stupid groups, just waiting for the group to be over. I go to therapy, but I can't talk to my therapist. I'm too scared most of the time. The inside people don't want me to talk to her. And most of the time I just don't even know WHAT to say. I just can't get sentences to form. It's so much easier online, when I talk through my fingers, not through my mouth. But, even here, it takes me a long time to get anything down. I spend a lot of time just sitting here staring at the screen trying to get my fingers to move.

Tomorrow mom says I'm taking Kylee and Dillon to Disneyland. Kylee will be off with Tricia all day. So it will be me and Dillon. That is if we go. Grandma don't want us to go. There is a chance it will rain tomorrow night. Usually whatever grandma wants, grandma gets. So we will probably stay home. I don't really care either way. I just don't have the energy. I'm dreading if we do go, but I don't want Dillon to be disappointed if we don't go. Kylee was just there on the 28th of December for her and Tricia's one year anniversary. We ususally go every other week or so. We haven't gone since right after thanksgiving (or was it right before thanksgiving? my memory sucks). I kinda want to go but I don't really want to go. I'm usually really anxious there, more than at home or the clinic or the store, but it's also always fun there. Sigh. I don't even know what I want. If we do go mom said she wants us to come home about 6pm.


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