Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Broken hearted



In a matter of less than two weeks time my Debit card was used for $99.69. Half of this I didn't even know about. He used my card without my knowledge. I feel so used. So alone. So hopeless. I thought he was different. I thought he wasn't like Sergio. I guess I was wrong. Why does a single guy need $55 worth of Dominos in a space of 3 days?!



What now? Changing my bank numbers. Never letting myself fall in love again. Never being sucked into guilt trips anymore. Lots of tears. Clear and crimson.



I self-injured when I added up all that I spent for him, just during the first two weeks of this bank statement. I thought he really loved me, but now I think I'm just a pawn in his mind games.



Heartbroken.
Feeling inhuman.
Victimized?
Lost.
Scared.

Monday, June 28, 2004

Didn't get what I needed to get done, done.



I didn't sleep for a long time. Then I slept most of today away. There were phone calls I was supposed to make. I'm blessed with wonderful friends though. (And they have free long distance! W00t!) Harmony and Dawggy called and got the information for renting a laptop. The place they found is not to far from here. I am pretty sure I can find it. I know where the street is, and I think it's the only "Gladstone St." that is in Azusa so all I got to do is get on that street and head in the direction of the college and keep going until I find the place. It's going to cost me $40.99 a week and I have to rent it for a minimum of two weeks. Neither the price nor the minimum are a surprise. It's about what I was figuring. I also figure I'll need a computer for at least two weeks because I'm almost sure this has to be mailed in. Well I figure you have to give it three days for them to get it, and three days to get it back. There's a week. Then you have to give them AT LEAST a week to work on it between that time.



Dawggy and Harmony also got me the phone number for Dell, which they will remind me to call tommorow. They also told me what information that I will need off of the computer itself.



Another call I need to make is EOP&S. (Extended Opportunities Programs & Services....or something like that). It's a program the school offers. I need to make an appointment with a councellor about financial aid and my academic probationary status. I need to find whatever papers they sent me in the mail.



Mkay. Depressed. Frustrated. But I'm following a list. (With Dawggy and Harmony 's help). I don't know what I would do without them.

been a while but new template...

I haven't been blogging. I haven't been accomplisthing anything. Been icky. Computer hates me. No sleep. Anxious. Computer broked. Depressed. Frustrated.


Put new template but need to fix it, its just the template hasn't been personalized yet.

no focus

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

I dunno




I'm not feeling sick today. I am feeling achey though. Whatever.




There's lots of things I should do today. I should get dressed and go to the library. "Servant of the Bones" by Anne Rice, a book on tape, is due. I have film that should have been picked up a couple days ago from Kmart. I want to buy some stuff to drink or something but I probably won't cuz I'd end up having to grocery shop and it's only like a week until I get paid and will have to go shopping again.



Internet ($40) and car insurance ($216) went out today. *feeling poor*

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Not feeling well again...



My tummy hurts and I'm nausous. A little bit of my tea came back this morning but my dinner of popcorn mostly stayed down. I thought I was over this stomach thing. Don't know what is causing it.



Earlier this morning I got one of those blinding headaches. It has faded back to a dull ache. It was shortly after the headache became blinding that the nausea returned.



I took a shower this morning. Started to panic in the shower. The water is sometimes too much. Too heavy. I don't panic as much in the shower as I used to. The shower cd player I got last Christmas helps. Conversations I've had with Samuel help too if I focus on them right.



I made Orville Redenbacher (I'm too lazy to go check how that's supposed to be spelled) Honey Butter popcorn for dinner early this morning I guess it was. It made the house smell good.



Sometime over the last few days I must have at some point had a fever. Everytime my body temperature rises I end up getting a fever blister on my mouth. And my lips are chapped and cracked. I have been putting Chapstick on them and have even put neosporin on them. Grandma thinks neosporin ointment is a cure all.



On, ummm, Thursday, whenever it was I had that dentist appointment....I dropped two postcards in the mail. One to Harmony and Dawggy, and another to Samuel. Harmony and Dawggy got theirs I guess yesterday (time makes no sense to me). Samuel just went to the mailbox while I was writing this.

(08:01:49) sam rol ken: :-D You have messy handwriting. :)



Hmmm, is it just me or is this post getting really long?



I better go do whatever is next on the list now. buh-bye for now.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Ah choo


I keep sneezing. My tummy still kinda hurts. I've had a headache since, gawd since the dawn of time. Like Whatever!



So I got lost yesterday obviously. When don't I? So far today I have used one vote on e2: Jameson.



I thought I was going to have to take my sister to the movies today but since it's 5pm and I haven't heard from her I guess we dont have to go today. I'm in a "I don't care either way" kind of mood.



Harmony is helping us follow a list. I am unsure what to write here at the moment. Jennelle became very triggered by pictures of self-injury she saw online. She then became obsessed and began looking for more photos and wanting desperatly to cut. Sam and Harmony threatened her. Sam said he would leave for a week. Harmony said she would be very angry.
We have not injured, but the internal debate continues to rage. I am unsure who will win this battle.
-Bleuella

Kept dinner down



I had chicken noodle soup for dinner. I kept that and kool-aid down. So I got daring and ate some cheddar and sour cream chips. So far they're staying down. My tummy hurts. So does my head.



I've used a couple more votes since the last time I blogged.


grande ├ęcole
locals, the
I do my best to avoid Sleep's sticky tendrils



Well now I'm gonna go check my /msgs, and figure out what is after that on my list.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Voted on....

I've only used two of my e2 votes so far today.

Abilene
Paris of Troy

blah...



Don't feel good today at all.



Kylee and Dillon spent the night last night. When mom brought them over I got to play with the babies abit and kylee and dillon each had a turn screwing up my computer.



I hadn't really been feel all that well but Marcie talked me into going to Kareoke. (it didn't take too much. I wanted out of the house.)



Karaoke was a lot of fun. We called Harmony and Dawggy several times and let them hear us sing. Tried calling Sam too but he was just too sleepy. Danielle, John, Emma, Sergio, and Roger all showed up. That was fun. Charles did NOT show up! W00t!!!!!



When I got home I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Then threw up a few more times. It was gross. I felt like crap. I hadn't really been feeling well before that. I didn't drink much. I had 3 Shirley Temples (cherry 7-up), two bahamamamas, and a cheese quisidilla.



A few hours later I was finally able to talk to sam via AIM. I had ranted and raved to his idle IM. When he came on he explained why he didnt answer the phone when I called him from the car on the way home even though he told me to call. I felt really bad for calling him an asshole. I didnt mean it. Even right when I said it the next thing out of my mouth was "He's not really an ass he's just not feeling well."



I was supposed to take Kylee to the movies today but she didnt get mad when I told her I didn't feel up to it today. Thankfully. Maybe I'll take her tommorow. Just have to wait and see if I feel better.




Mom was here for a couple hours with the babies to take the kids home. The babies are so much fun. They're crawling and pulling them selves to standing now. They're 10 months old. They were never allowed on the floor until recently so they are just getting started on this crawling stuff.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Grandma is getting to me BAD




I cannot ever please her. I don't mean to be a terrible person. I try to do what they want. I can't. I cannot please her. I don't have the energy. I don't have the strength. With every word that comes out of her mouth it makes it that much harder not to run a blade across my pale skin.





I need her to go away just for a while. Just leave me alone. Right now even the sound of her coughing is making me need to cut more and more. I am trying so hard not to give in to these urges. It's so hard. It's so loud. Inside people make this even harder. I can't deal well with anything. My head hurts. My whole body hurts. I just want to give up. I'm still trying tho. It's so hard but I'm trying for Sam, Harmony, Dawggy, and anyone else that truly cares.

oh look...the list....



E2/not computer/computer



1. E2vote/search
2. Purple Journal
3. music
4. daylog
5. magazines
6. Gmail
7. Psych nodes
8. Bed
9. blog
10. /msgs
11. Me
12.

If I find Chiwawa piss on anything else....



I am sooooo angry right now. I was following my list. Got to "bed" so i was putting so stuff away that was sitting on it and noticed that one of my zip disk cases had a sticky yellow stuff on it. YUCK! And the disk was in the case! I dont think the disk has any on it and I used a baby wipe to clean the case.



That damn dog better stay the hell out of this room!



As I started to write this Dawggy went to bed. Harmony went to bed a few hours ago. She was exhausted. She had only gotten 3 hours of sleep the night before.



I slept most of the day. My computer has not been very cooperative today. I got frustrated with it this afternoon and shut it off and slept most of the day, in between telemarkerters that is. When I finally woke up tonight, shaking and crying from a terrible nightmare my computer would not connect to the net at all and wouldnt even let me play Spider solitaire. I eventually got it to work with Dawggy's help. I tried calling Samuel first but his phone was off. So I called Dawggy and they helped me. He even called my isp for me.



For now my computer is allowing me to get a few things done. Let's hope it stays that way.


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