Wednesday, June 21, 2006

urgy and don't know why

Today I slept until about 4:30pm. Thats when Harmony called. I woke up very sore. Yesterday I was up at 6am. Marcie and I went to the Self Injury Anonymous meeting in Passadena. After that I dropped her off at her church. Then I went home for a while and took a 2 hour or so nap. Then I got up and got ready to leave again. I had to drop Kylee off at her girlfriend's house and then pick up Marcie and go to John's nephew's (Eddie) 6th birthday party. They had a giant water slide and most of the adults, including myself and my friends, all went on several times. We had fun. After that I ran home (taking marcie with me) and changed clothes then headed off to karaoke. We were at karaoke until about 1am then I took marcie home and went home, did a few small things, and went to bed a little after 2am (I think).

Right now I'm urgy to cut but I'm not sure why. I just feel this need to bleed. I'm not real anxious. I'm not really angry. I am a bit depressed and feel purposeless. My internet isn't working very well so I can't really keep up with the chatroom or read stuff on e2 cuz it takes forever to load. I want to bleed to feel human.

Lasted a week

I cut today. It was the first time I SI'd in a week. I want to SI more. Everyone in my house has been in a bad (angry) mood. I just couldn't stand the way I was feeling and I gave in and cut.

My mom told me today that she's looking for a place to move to and grandma said when she moves I have to move out too. I need to talk to Grace. I need out of this house sooner rather than later. I can't take much more of this life here in this house. Everyone walks on eggshells around here. Everything anyone does pisses off grandma or mom or both. I just wish I could die.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

one am

Marcie, John, Danielle, and I went to La Fiesta for karaoke. We got home like an hour ago I think, or at least half an hour. We had fun.

I still want to cut. Grandma made my mom cry earlier and I feel like it's my fault that grandma was mad.

I've got a headache. I've been having a lot of headaches lately. I think most of them are cauased by my sinuses now that I'm out of sinus medication. I should make an appointment with my family doctor and ask for something for my allergies.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Hot

It's hot today. I haven't written much lately. I went to Disneyland on tuesday with Elaine, Christine, and Robert from clubhouse. We had a good time. We went to both parks and went on several rides. We saw Fantasmic and the fireworks show. We played Uno while we waited for the shows.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

good enough - hoobastank

Artist: Hoobastank
Album: Every Man For Himself
Year: 2006
Title: Good Enough Print
Correct


I only wanted you to feel,
How I thought you deserved to feel.
The way you always said you wanted to.

You wanted all we have to be real,
And every word we say to be true.
Still after all I gave it's not enough for you.

Well, I can't give any more,
So now I'm ginving up.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

And the more I try to pour,
The less I fill your cup.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

I only wanted you to see,
That you can be who you wanted to be.
And fill the lonely void inside of you.

I gave you everything that you need,
Did what you always wanted to do.
Still after all I've done I can't get through.

Well, I can't give any more,
So now I'm ginving up.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

And the more I try to pour,
The less I fill your cup.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

Good enough!

I've wated my time!
Go find someone!

Good enough!

Well, I can't give any more,
So now I'm ginving up.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

And the more I try to pour,
The less I fill your cup.
'Cause nothing's ever good enough.

Enough, enough, enough!

Knott's Berry Farm yesterday

Me, Danielle, John, Jolie, Eddie (Jolie's John's sister and Eddie is her son) and John's cousin Julie, one of her sons and her husband, all went to Knott's yesterday. We went because Julie had a company picnic there. They let us all in with her so we had free lunch. I had a piece of chicken, two rolls with butter, and some ice cream and of course soda. I dumped one of my cups of Mt. Dew all over my lap. Besides that it was a pretty good day.

Julie had a handicap due to a car accident and rented a scooter. We didn't wait in any lines because we got to go in the handicap entrance. We went on a lot of rides including: xcelerator, Timberline Twister, Camp Bus, Lucy's Tugboat, Jaguar, Montezooma's Revenge, Dragon Swing, Hat Dance, Ghost Rider, Timber Mountain Log Ride, Silver Bullet, Big Foot Rapids, and Wilderness Scrambler(twice). We also saw Mystery Lodge.

Thursday, June 8, 2006

I can't take anymore of grandma's bitching

I'm crying. I can never do anything good enough so why should I even try to do anything in the first place, since I'm just going to do it wrong or not good enough. I hate my life. I feel guilty when I leave the house for any reason, grandma makes sure of that. I want to cut soooo bad. I'm trying to at least wait until everyone goes to bed first tho. I don't know if I can go that long. I can't stop bawling.

I don't know what to do. I just can't take it anymore. I just want to die so I never have to do anything wrong again.

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

Haven't cut since yesterday morning

It's been a pretty "normal" day today. I went to clubhouse. I saw Grace. She gave me a Vons $50 gift card. I used it. I went to the gym but was/am achey today so I only did the machines and not a video. I made dip and ate almost the entire thing. I talked to LostWarrior, Kiana, and of course, Harmony. I'm really tired today. I've got a headache. I didn't do anything particularly exciting really today and don't have any plans for tommorrow except to go to the gym.

Sunday, June 4, 2006

3am - Matchbox 20

MATCHBOX 20 LYRICS

"3 AM"

She say it's cold outside and she hands me my raincoat
She's always worried about things like that
She says it's all gonna end and it might as well be my fault
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams and her voice is straining

[chorus]

She says baby
It's 3 am I must be lonely
When she says baby
Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes
Says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it

She's got a little bit of something, God it's better than nothing
And in her color portrait world she believes that she's got it all
She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams and her voice is straining

[chorus]

She believes that life is made up of all that you're used to
And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days
She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway
But outside it's stopped raining

[chorus]

Away from the sun - 3 doors down

3 DOORS DOWN LYRICS

"Away From The Sun"

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

Oh no...
Yeah...
I'm gone...

Friday, June 2, 2006

it's hot

It was 100 degrees today. It's after midnight, I've got my fan on high and I'm still sweating.


Mom went with Kylee tonight to Kylee's banquet. She recieved her letter for choir and drama. She also became a thespian. I'm very proud of her. I didn't get to go because I had to stay home and help grandma with the twins. The twins were not on their best behavior. Grandma bitched the entire time mom was gone. I ended up cutting myself not long after mom finally got home. Dillon was at his friend's birthday party.

I can't stand being around grandma anymore. She's just so hateful. She makes me feel terrible. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to live at all, really. I hate myself and I feel totally stuck here in this house with grandma's constant bitching. I think I'd want to live if living on my own was an option.












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