Been a while...stuff to do

I haven't blogged in some time now. Been feeling really icky. Both physically and mentally.

Stuff to do:

• Organize LT 101 papers. (Public Services)
  
• Organize LT 201 papers. (Cataloging)
  
• Cataloging book work.
  
• Cataloging lab work.
  
• Bag of Bones Writeup
  
• actor-observer effect
  
• Flexeril
  
• Dave Petzer book w/up
  
• Floor
  
• Bed
  
• Tommorow: Fax paper
  
• Tommorow: LT 101 class 7pm
  
• Tommorow or monday: Go to Charter Oak, with observation papers
  
• Contact medical doctor about tests
  
• Try calling case manager again
  
• Give away gmail invites
  
• Check yahoo accounts
  
• Leave feedback on ebay
  
• Vote on e2
  
• Go through e2 msgs
  
• Finish node audit on [face]
  
• Use other e2 votes
  
• Read statistics book
  
• Dresser
  
• Drawers
  

Okay now I gotta go actually try to do some of this stuff...

Long sucky day

Mom and grandma sure are experts are making me feel like shit.

I bought my textbooks today. I also tried to get into a regular doctor but they don't take Medi-Cal patients unless "they come here for long, long time now" as the lady who worked there and spoke little understandable English said. Frustrating.

My textbooks were three hundred and twenty something dollars but EOPS covered $300. It was a long pain in the butt trip to the school today. Lots of back and forth. Lots of lines. Lots of staff don'tknow what the hell their doing. Whatever.

Mom, Mando, Kylee, Dillon, and the twins had family photos done today. Mom made sure to call and tell me she's glad I wasn't included in them. Thanks mom. I've been unable to keep from crying since. They make a point NOT to include me as part of anything "family" then make a point to call and tell me they excluded me. I don't have a family. No one wants me.

Harmony and Dawggy call me their little sister but thats much easier to do from the other side of the country. If they had to deal with me f2f they'd not want me either.

I'm so sick of crying...

It's not one of the best nights. It's 5:23am. I finally just ate 2 tortillas and some cheese I zapped in the microwave. I haven't made any real progress on my room or accomplished anything else either. I don't know what to do or how to do it. I'm scared. I'm depressed. I'm lost. I can't help but think death would be easier.

bad bad bad bad bad

Grandma came in early crying and said she wanted to die. I didn't know what to do so I called mom. Mom came over and they spent hours going on and on how it's all my fault. I need so bad to cut and bleed. I'm trying not to. Harmony and Dawggy are helping me follow a list. I don't even want to live. I need away from my family and this house. I need a fresh start with no one telling me everyday how bad I am.

It's been a while since I've blogged. I haven't been following a list and I haven't been doing very well. The twins 1st birthday and party came and went now. Exhausting. Glad it's over. I'll try to get back to writing here on a regular basis again.