Thursday, September 30, 2004

Blogging cuz harmony said to

Current Music: None, flipping channels on the tv

Current Mood: urgy and tearful

Interesting Node:
Pierre-Paul Prud'hon

Interesting non-e2 url:
Damn Addicting games


Caption: It’s been a difficult week.

Quote: "Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and
you choose the one that will get you home by 9:00 p.m."
--Ronald Reagan

Trivia: Giants baseball catcher Roger Bresnahan introduced shin
guards in 1907.

Joke: A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her
fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to
take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her
fingernails were growing normally.

One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed
nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I
bite them instead."

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: The MARC tag for main entry is 100.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Got to class.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I’m blogging cuz Harmony told me too. Not doing very good. She’s really not either. Tried getting appointment at clinic. No luck. Lost paper I have to fill out and send to SSI. Room is a disaster area. Homework piles so high. Depressed. Almost suicidal, but not a danger to self.

Current music: none. Watching dateline or something.

Current mood: Bad thoughts

Last thoughts: Why do I bother?

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Areas of my bedroom (to help me clean and such).

1. Door
2. floor in front of door
3. very top shelf
4. top book shelf
5. second book shelf
6. stereo shelf
7. second to bottom shelf
8. bottom shelf
9. floor in front of shelves
10. on top of TV /top of TV cabinet
11. TV cabinet shelf
12. TV cabinet cabinet
13. floor in front of TV cabinet
14. floor between TV cabinet and hamper
15. hamper
16. computer stuff box
17. corner area of floor
18. floor between computer box and dresser
19. floor between dresser and bed
20. top of dresser
21. drawer 1
22. drawer 2
23. drawer 3
24. drawer 4
25. drawer 5
26. drawer 6
27. drawer 7
28. drawer 8
29. drawer 9
30. floor between dresser and corner wall
31. top of headboard
32. upper shelf of headboard by dresser
33. lower shelf of headboard by dresser
34. middle of headboard
35. upper shelf of headboard by window
36. lower shelf of headboard by window
37. bed
38. under the bed
39. lamp table
40. floor under window
41. corner TV tray table
42. top of night stand
43. night stand drawer 1
44. night stand drawer 2
45. night stand drawer 3
46. Floor between bed and night stand
47. floor in front of closet
48. closet floor
49. closet
50. Fan and missed spots.

Drawers are done top to bottom then next column top to bottom and so on. List made clockwise through room (mostly) starting at door and ending next to the door. By seperating it into really small areas cleaning isn't so overwhelming.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Current Music: Prince - Soft And Wet

Current Mood: Tired

Interesting Node: Borderline Personality

Interesting non-e2 url:


Caption: The twins first day home from the hospital, thirteen months ago.

Quote: At the end of our life, we ought to be able to look back
over it from our deathbed and know somehow the world is a
better place because we lived, we loved, we were other-
centered, other-focused.
--Joe Erhmann, Football coach

Trivia: In 1759, in the French and Indian War, the British defeated
the French near what city?

Joke: A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole." A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."
The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie. A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said. Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle." "You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle. On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win." "OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round. As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: In MARC records the code for physical description is 300.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Rescheduled CT scan for next Tuesday.

Current Music: Train - Meet Virginia

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I don’t really have many words for now, I think. I’m frustrated with homework. I feel overwhelmed with school and with life. So many things just make me want to cry. I took a Lortab a while ago, because my back hurt so much it became hard to even breathe. I could not get comfortable laying down and I need to be doing homework but sitting upright was very difficult. The pill is helping the physical pain. I’m depressed though.

Current music: Aerosmith - I don't want to miss a thing

Current mood:

Trivia answer: In 1759, in the French and Indian War, the British defeated
the French near the city of Quebec.

Last thoughts: I don’t know if medication can even really help me. Perhaps the doctors who said I was “too sick” were right. Maybe there is no hope for me.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Time to use the template thingy! um yeah.

Current Music: Sugar Ray - Anyone

Current Mood: Hyper as heck. Bouncing.

Interesting Node: Asperger's syndrome (idea) This is just one write-up in the node, if you want to read the rest click on "(all of Asperger's syndrome, there are 7 more in this node)" or here

Interesting non-e2 url: Darren Hayes Music Video for "I Miss You"


Caption: A girl named Kylie` who is a friend from #manicdepression made this for me today to cheer me up. She's cool. Kylie lives in Australia with her one year old daughter Ella.

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging:
How to register my own chatroom on mIRC, and how to make it auto-op me. I also learned (from Dawggy then looked it up for more information) that that thing I do and have seen Daniel as well as other children do where our arms wave and our body tenses up is a often a symptom of autism and asperger's syndrome called "Stimming".

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging:
Not much. Been very depressed all day until a little bit ago when I suddenly got very hyper. But I have had a few minor accomplishments:
  • Registered a room.
  • Made it auto-join and auto-op me.
  • Cleaned out clothes hamper, but can't do laundry til tommorow because grandma doesn't like me doing it at night.
  • Gotten about two paragraphs written for a node
  • Gotten thorugh about two paragraphs of public services notes.
  • Helped my sister Kylee with an algebra problem...

    A2 - B2

    When A=7, B=5, and V=5

  • Made Kool-aid
  • Made blog post template

Current Music: Def Leppard - Long, Long Way To Go

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I was supposed to go to the hospital for a CT scan at 7:30 of what is now yesterday morning. I didn't make it and when I woke up at 9am after nodding off while resting my burning eyes at about 5:30am and realized I'd screwed yet another major thing up it sent me even deeper into an already deep depression. I turned the computer off and pushed everything onto the floor that was still on the bed after rather carelessly placing the computer table on the floor. I just layed here all day, sleeping on and off, crying at times, catatonically staring at the walls, the ceiling fan, the shelves, Princess (the Angel doll that Harmony and Dawggy gave me), the floor, the door, or whatever else I could see. My head was full of thoughts that if revealed would likely get me evaluated for a 5150. The inside people were quite noisy. Eventually the stares from Princess' huge blue eyes made me think to call those that gave her to me. I saw the yellow spiral journal notebook that their phone number (and the phone card number) were in. All I had to do was reach down, it was on the floor just next to the bed. So was the phone. I tried calling once, but there was no answer. Later I tried again. They were just walking in the door. They had to bring the groceries in and asked if she could call me back. I apologized for calling, not sure what I really even called to say. She said she would call me back in a few minutes. That was enough to give me the motivation to get up out of bed and finally go to pee. I hadn't even done that since some time the previous night and it was now five or six in the evening. I then came back into my room and curled up in a ball again and cried. She called and I cried and cried but she managed not only to get me to calm down and stop crying but to actually get me to laugh some. Eventually a friend of theirs showed up and she hung up but we later talked on IRC and even Dawggy was on the computer today. He's been ill, mostly from med changes, and hasn't even been on the computer much at all recently.
I ended up cutting some which really helped me get out of the funk enough to at least sit up and try to do anything. Later Dawggy played a sort of a game with me to get me to do something, anything. It was a "you accomplish something, I will" type thing. It was really helpful. They both are very caring and very funny and love me very much and help me more than anyone.
I talked to Marcie and Harmony together on AIM. That was nice. I ate a cheese canneloni lean cuisine tv dinner.
Now everyone has gone to sleep, except me of course, and I'm pretty sure I'll be up for hours. I'm thinking of making some tea. I know I shouldn't have caffiene but whatever.

Current music: GroupX - Mario Twins

Current mood: Spazzy

Last thoughts: Um, Not really. I think I might add a few things to the template. Perhaps a Quote section and a Things to do section. Also, I might add some HTML to make each section title in bold or something. We'll see.

A template thingy!

I got like suddenly manic after being super super depressed and made a template I'll try to remember to use when I blog. Feel free to use it or whatever...

Current Music:

Current Mood:

Interesting Node:

Interesting non-e2 url:



Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging:

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging:

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:

Current music:

Current mood:

Last thoughts:

Thursday, September 9, 2004

Darren Hayes - Where You Want To Be

Hey there stranger
Do you remember?
You were a part of my life
Early December
Think I remember?
Sentiment cuts like a knife
The seasons are changing
Life's rearranging
Full of could've dones
Would've beens
It's all your fault
And where have you been
And how time goes
And now I dont even know
How to fill in the spaces
of the love you erased in my life

Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should've turned right?
Are you where you want to be?
Did you sell off all of your gold
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?

And barely symphonic
But strangely ironic
Moments contained in one glance
Oh how I adored you
But now I'm ignored by you
No evidence of romance
And now it's vaguely familiar
I think I remember sharing every single intimacy
It doesn't seem so strange to me that we barely entertained
Even the politest of phrases
But sometimes at night
I conjure you up in my mind

Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should've turned right?
Are you where you want to be?
Did you sell off all of your gold
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?

While I was busy
Perfecting the art
Of deflecting compliments
I took it too far
And I let a ripple run right through my heart
Of battle stations we're building
You and I just grew apart
We grew apart

While I decided
To make everyone else happy
I just put aside
My foolish pride
I guess I denied
My own desire
I was too busy pleasing
To ever be pleased
I forgot how to breathe
Or question anything
Or ask why?
Am I?

Am I where I want to be?
Did I get here easily?
Did I make a sacrifice?
Did I take a sharp left
When I should've turned right?
Am I where I want to be?
Can I sell off all of my gold?
Can I trade it in?
Will I wait for Love
Or settle for somebody to hold

I'd settle for somebody to hold now

You know that I've been up and I've been down
I've been picked up and spun around
I'd do it all again
If I could just have somebody to hold now
I just need somebody to hold me now
Could somebody hold me now?
I just want somebody to hold me now
I'd do it all again

I'm lonely. I'm depressed. I'm anxious. I have to get through this textbook chapter. I have to get A's in my two classes. I also have to do everything grandma and mom and everyone else want too. I can't please everyone. All I really want is someone to hold me and just let me cry onto their shoulder wheile they rub my achy back. I just want someone to hold me. I think I need someone to love me. I have Harmony and Dawggy to love me from a distance, but sometimes I just need someone to actually hold me in their arms.

Wednesday, September 1, 2004


We have decided to hide the "insanity" by acting only as "Jennelle" no matter who is in control we must answer only to Jennelle and act only as is expected of Jennelle, a 23 year old college student. When this is not possible we will go where no one can observe in any way until we are able once again to act or be Jennelle.
Depression, anxiety, any disturbance must be hidden. From now on we are "fine".
From this point on we are Jennelle and "I'm okay."


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