Monday, February 14, 2005

Depression taking over

Today started with a THUD as I fell off the bed as I reached for the phone. After assuring Marcie I would be ready by 9:30am I unwedged myself from the small area between the bed and the desk chair. As I began to get ready for my therapist appointment the phone rang again and it was my mother. I then had to get ready while on the phone with my mother the entire time, going to the bathroom, brushing my hair and teeth, etc, all while holding the cordless phone while mom and grandma rambled on about all the usual stuff. I wasn’t quite ready when Marcie got there and was still on the phone with mom and grandma. Marcie patiently stood there and waited while I rushed around to finish getting ready. Her mom was driving. They dropped me off as close as possible to where my appointment with Abe was. As I started the short hike to the health center they found a parking place. While I sat in a small room with Abe they went to the fitness center and worked out. I told Abe I was dropping one of my three classes and that I was depressed and often wish I were dead. He told me how fortunate I was to have Harmony, Dawggy, Marcie, John, Danielle, and Sergio. He went on about me being addicted to depression and needing to find the achievements of daily life even if it’s as small as I survived the day. I came home and turned on music and began reading some of the abnormal psychology textbook and as I studied I can feel the depression begin to press harder and harder on me until I start thinking of death once again. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing makes me happy like it used to. I’ve been exercising every day and I’ve been told so many times that exercise is supposed to make you less depressed but it’s not helping me. Every day feels worse than the day before no matter how much exercise I do. I’m so tired of feeling like shit. I just want to give up and find a way to die that no one can stop it from happening. I’m sorry.