Monday, February 12, 2007

AA and just a general blah

Tonight Marcie and I went to an AA meeting. We each had our own reason to be there. I am not an alcoholic, I only drink 3 or 4 times a year. Marcie was there to get help. I was there to take notes for a report I have to do for Psychology of Drug and Alcohol Abuse. I did not feel completely welcomed there. I don't belong there. My only addiction is SI. I've managed to go a little more than a month now without cutting but each night the desire to do it gets stronger and stronger. It's so hard to fight them off. I'm not even sure what triggered me today. I just feel lonely, lazy, stupid, down, and a waste of time and space. I feel as if I don't belong on this planet and never have. I know my family loves me. I know I have good friends who also love me and care about me. But sometimes I think its all a joke. That the only reason any one wants me around is to laugh at me.

Last night I stayed up until close to six am. I didnt get back out of bed til like 4pm. Then I didn't do anything but sit in front of the computer, mostly chatting or just staring at the screen.

Tommorrow (well today now that its almost 1am) I have to be at the clinic at 9am to see my therapist, Kelly. Then I have to go to clubhouse. I should get home around 12:30pm and then I have a dentist appointment at 3:30pm for a root canal.

My back hurts but not as bad as it did last night. Last night I took baclofen and lortab. I had one lortab put away in case i needed it while i was out somewhere like Disneyland. That helped some. I wish I knew why my back hurts so much.

I should be doing homework and cleaning my room.