Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Dropped out of school

I dropped out of school completely.
I'm sick and just can't get the project done that involves going to libraries and observing 6 seperate librarians for half an hour each and interviewing them or something. Without this project I wont pass the class so why continue to go to class? Not like the class matters any ways. What would I do with the stupid certificate? Put it in a box?

I weighed myself today. 203. This is more than 20 pounds less than it was like a month or so ago. When I eat my stomach hurts worse and the nausea gets so bad and the food often refuses to stay in my stomach. I'm miserable. I don't know how much more of this I can take. The gastroentorologist cannot see me until April 21st. I've been counting down the days in hope for some kind of relief. I'm supposed to have an ultrasound. They are booked but were finally able to get back to me with a cancellation for April 29th. I keep track of my calories on but I am not trying to lose weight. There has been a day here and there when I ate as many as 900 calories in a single day but these are far and few between and just because I ate that many calories doesn't mean that all of them actually got absorbed. I am NOT making myself sick on purpose. I HATE throwing up. Many days I manage to consume about 300. Many days less.

I'm so sick of this. I cry all the time. I'm lonely. I can't go anywhere. I hurt all over. My back is killing me and my stomach always hurts now. I turned down going to Disneyland twice now because of my stomach! I didn't go to CEC. I had a chance to go to Laughlin with John and Danielle. The room was paid for and danielle even offered to pay for one or two of my meals but I couldn't go. I'm sick. I don't know whats wrong. Many mornings I can't get to sleep at all because I cannot lay down due to the nausea.

And I've got a bad attitude and I'm always screwing things up. No one wants to talk to me at all anymore. My ipod is messed up. My computer blue screens all the time. It's all my fault. I can't do anything right.

Don't talk to me about my stupid blog. "Pity party" ya ya ya. shut up and leave me alone