Friday, September 12, 2008

lost confused

I wish the world would end. I’m so lost. I’m so sick of crying. I’m so sick of hurting. My back hurts so bad again. Everything hurts. I have to see the psychiatrist next Tuesday. I don’t even know what today is but I know I’m dreading Tuesday. I always dread seeing him. He makes me feel so stupid, so fat, so shitty. He says I’m not depressed. Why do I cry all the time? Why do I want to die? Why do I hate everything, especially myselfs? Why do the inside people have to be so loud? I don’t know what happened tonight. I was struggling and I gave up. That was at least four hours ago. I wasn’t asleep. At some point I took a shower. I don’t remember. I’m not even sure who does. I’m scared. This can’t start happening a lot again. I can’t take it. No one understands. I can’t tell anyone. It doesn’t make sense to me how would it make sense to anyone else? I’m trying so hard not to SI again. I feel so bad though and it’s the only thing that might help me for at least a little while. I keep crying. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy like everyone says I should be? I can’t go on like this. I’m so scared. No one can help me. We’re so alone. So lost. So empty. So stupid. I stay logged into #bus all the time just so I can pretend I’m not alone. I talk a lot but no one really listens to me. They tell me I talk to much. They say I’m boring. They’re right but I can’t shut up. Most of the conversations in there are way over my head. So many of the regulars there are grad students and stuff. I’m a junior college flunk out. I feel so stupid all the time. Not just in there but whenever I talk to anyone anywhere. I’m always so confused. I hate it. My pdoc is going to tell me to lose weight, get out, and get a job. He always done. I can’t make my head or body work well enough though. I hate seeing him so much. I want to quit going to the clinic at all. I want to quit going to any doctor. I want to just quit eating. I want to quit hurting. I want to quit. I’m so messed up and no one can help me. Yes I’m lazy. Everyone tells me that too. I know it. I’ve always known it. I just don’t have the energy and I don’t know where to even start even when I manage to get up. I sleep a lot. I also space a lot. I don’t know whats going on a lot of the time. I’m lost inside my head with all the inside people arguing. Sometimes things happen and I don’t know it like taking a shower earlier. I don’t remember taking a shower buy my hair is wet and I’m in clean clothes and stuff. I feel so lost. I don’t know anything for sure anymore.