Saturday, May 1, 2010

Hopelessness

I am unable to deal. I can't face the world. I have stepped away from facebook as it was my connection to the world. I just can't read about people's happy fun times now. I just can't pretend to care. I sit here alone and cry. I cannot be a friend. I cannot take the disappointment. I cannot smile and nod. I just can't be who I'm expected to be. I'm not okay. I never really was. I never will be.

I'm alone. I'll always be alone. It has to be that way. I am not good for anyone. People occassionally talk to me but only when they have no other options. I am the pity case. I'm tired of being invited just because they feel sorry for me. I'm tired of people only calling me because they have a dozen missed calls from me and just want me to stop calling. I'm tired of feeling left out. I'm tired of being alone even among a group. I'm tired of being the outcast.

I am useless. I am a waste. There is no help. I'm beyond any kind of help, beyond hope.

I thought I was going to be a bridesmaid in John and Danielle's wedding but I am stepping away. I do not belong in their wedding. I do not belong in their pictures. I cannot become that person they expect. I cannot be the happy and dressed up friend with dyed hair. How do I tell them tho?

I just dont know what to do anymore. I've searched the internet for help in every way I can think of and am left even more hopeless than ever. I'm tired of going through the motions but i'm tired of laying here staring at the wall, the ceiling, the tv, my eyelids, etc. I really wish I could end it but I know I can't. I've failed before and that'll just lead to being locked up and making things even worse.


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