Tuesday, April 5, 2005

slipping between dimensions

I'm unsure of everything. Time is a mystery. I'm not even completely in this dimension. I keep slipping in and out of this frame and into others. The depression is intense. The unreality overwhelming. Nothing makes sense except death and even that is a mystery. But death would put me solidly into another dimension, another frame of existence. We are not okay right now and do not know if we ever will be.

Monday, April 4, 2005

I don't know

I don't know what to say. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what is the truth and what is lies. I keep crying. I don't know why. I wish I could just die or at least cut so I'd feel better. I'm so mean to Harmony. I hate it but I hate her for loving me. I even told her that. If only she could hate me I'd finally have a good reason to die. She wont let go of me.
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Sunday, April 3, 2005

Depressed on my birthday

Today I turned 24. I was okay all day. I sat outside Vons from about noon til about 6pm asking for donations for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society with John and Danielle. Linda (Danielle's mom) was there with us for a while and Sergio showed up for a while later. The three of us came to my house after that to try to register online for the 5k we're doing this weekend. The site wasn't working. Then we went to Pepe's for dinner with Sergio. Sergio bought me my quesidilla. He then dropped us off at Danielle's house and went to pick up a field trip. Danielle went and got Emma and the 4 of us played a game called Sequence a couple times. They then took me home. I talked to my mom, sister, and brother on the phone briefly. I talked to Dawggy and Harmony online for a couple minutes until they went to bed. Now I'm feeling terribly depressed and lonely. I don't know why. I guess I just didnt ever want to be this old. I always hoped I'd be dead before I was ever even out of high school. Why won't God just let me die?
I was such a pig today. I ate 3 pieces of pizza for lunch and a breadstick. We then shared an entire bag of cookies. Later I ate 2 corn tortilla quisidillas, a bunch of peanuts, and came home and had a piece of the mint n chip icecream/chocoalte cake my mom brought me last night. I also had a lot of soda today. I'm a big fat lazy pig and I don't want to live anymore. I wish I had a blade to cut with to make me feel better. It's been far too long since I last cut.