Monday, February 12, 2007

AA and just a general blah

Tonight Marcie and I went to an AA meeting. We each had our own reason to be there. I am not an alcoholic, I only drink 3 or 4 times a year. Marcie was there to get help. I was there to take notes for a report I have to do for Psychology of Drug and Alcohol Abuse. I did not feel completely welcomed there. I don't belong there. My only addiction is SI. I've managed to go a little more than a month now without cutting but each night the desire to do it gets stronger and stronger. It's so hard to fight them off. I'm not even sure what triggered me today. I just feel lonely, lazy, stupid, down, and a waste of time and space. I feel as if I don't belong on this planet and never have. I know my family loves me. I know I have good friends who also love me and care about me. But sometimes I think its all a joke. That the only reason any one wants me around is to laugh at me.

Last night I stayed up until close to six am. I didnt get back out of bed til like 4pm. Then I didn't do anything but sit in front of the computer, mostly chatting or just staring at the screen.

Tommorrow (well today now that its almost 1am) I have to be at the clinic at 9am to see my therapist, Kelly. Then I have to go to clubhouse. I should get home around 12:30pm and then I have a dentist appointment at 3:30pm for a root canal.

My back hurts but not as bad as it did last night. Last night I took baclofen and lortab. I had one lortab put away in case i needed it while i was out somewhere like Disneyland. That helped some. I wish I knew why my back hurts so much.

I should be doing homework and cleaning my room.

Friday, February 2, 2007

It's been awhile...

I haven't written a blog in quite some time. I got my section 8 voucher a couple of weeks ago. My mom found an apartment in Monrovia that she took me to look at. Grace helped me put a deposit on the place and now we are just waiting for the Section 8 people to inspect it so I can move in.

I've been doing pretty good lately. Today I woke up with a cold and my mood has steadily gone to shit tonight. Right now I feel like shit and want to SI for no apparent reason, just to change the way I'm feeling. Nothing has really triggered this mood that I can put my finger on. I am in the #bus chatroom, have been all day. Dawggy and Harmony seem to have gone to bed hours ago too. They didn't say good night so they prolly fell asleep watching tv or something. I feel really lonely this evening. I feel really depressed tonight too. I wish life could just end...