Sunday, June 24, 2007

I ride this train

It's a little after 4am. I'm talking to nanny. I'm listening to music. The song that is playing is "I don't care" by Savage Garden. I'm chewing gum. I'm entering sweepstakes. I'm depressed. I'm hurting. I'm tired. I took a nap. I got up to take my meds a couple hours ago.

The thing I'd been looking forward to for so long, seeing Darren Hayes live, came and went. I wish I could have enjoyed it more but I was so anxious from being in a crowd that it was hard to have fun. I'm glad I went though. It had been seven years since he'd played in the US. There's no way I could have missed it. It was worth the $30 for sure.

Now I'm back to feeling hopeless and empty and unsure of what I get out of bed for. I know why I don't actually try to end my life. I don't want to hurt my family and friends. It would devistate those that loved me if I killed myself and I'd probably go to hell for doing it. So every day I get up, talk to my friends, hurt, get little if anything accomplished, and (most days) cry.

How many days am I going to regret the day? How many nights am I going to cry and pray for the world to end, for my life to end? Have I been wasting all these years, drowning in my tears? What am I going to do with my life? Is it worth going to school? It's so expensive. Will I ever work? Will I ever even graduate? If I do will it do any good? Will I be able to get a job? Will I be able to keep a job? Can I please go cut myself? Can I please bleed and bleed? I know that's not the "right" thing to do. I know it don't help in the long run. I also know it makes me feel better for the moment. Even tho I usually feel guilty afterwards, at this point I'm living one moment at a time. All that matters is right now, not the later. And right now I'm depressed and lonely and crying and wanting to change the way I'm feeling. I wish I had someone to hold me on nights like this, some one that'll hug me while I cry. Someone that won't get mad at me for saying I want to si. Someone who could somehow make me feel better. I don't have anyone tho. Never really have and never will. No one can handle me. I'm too needy.