Disney LOVES ME!

general stuff

I'm always hungry lately. I'm gonna have a hard time keepin my weight down if this continues. My weight has come back down a couple pounds since my halloween candy pig-outs though. I'm 172 or so now I think.

I'm so sick of the pain. Every so often it'll hit really bad all at once. EVERYTHING hurts with my back, stomach, and chest being the worst. I have a hard time breathing when this happens. Tears roll down my face and I grope around and take some pain meds and then do whatever I can to try to get a little relief. Half an hour or 45 minutes later the pain will start to lift a bit.

I'm thirsty all the time too. Like ten minutes after having something to drink I feel like I haven't had a drink in many many hours. My mouth is always so dry. Not sure why. Maybe it's from meds but I don't know which one(s).

I have been slowly cleaning and organizing my apartment. Very slowly but it's getting better little by little. I've also been reading a lot. I have several bibles I read, some are more devotionals than bibles though. I've been reading The Dead Zone by Stephen King. I've also been reading a book called Asylums which is a collection of essays on total institutions that focuses mostly on mental hospitals. I've also been going through old magazines and reading any interesting bits before I throw them out.

Mom came over monday morning right after taking the twins to school. She helped me clean my kitchen and bathroom real good and would have stayed and helped more but the twins had minimum day and got out at 11:30am and she just didn't have any more time.

I finished reading the Stephen King book, The Dead Zone, on Tuesday morning. I then started reading the nearest book I saw which happened to be a "Heartwarming inspirational romance" that was a "free gift" and says so on the cover. The book is "Rainbow's End" by Irene Hannon.

I keep getting itchy. Everything will itch and no matter what I do I can't make it stop. My nose and eyes drive me nuts, my back will drive me crazy, and everything else itches too all at the same time til I wish I could just scream or die!

preparing for inspection

This coming wednesday an inspector from the housing authority will be coming for the annual inspection of my apartment. Been working on cleaning it. Mom is supposed to come over one day this weekend because I tried to open the middle drawer of my nightstand and the whole front of the drawer just came off and she's going to try to fix it for me. She'll have the twins with her though.

I get really easily frustrated and really easily distracted so never really get much accomplished.

mail then sleep!

I'm trying to stick to a list. Trying to keep occupied and not give in to the desire/need to SI. I'm having a hard time not thinking about SI.

I'm washing clothes right now and listening to music.

The sun is up and I am thinking of brushing my teeth and hair and getting dressed and walking to the mailbox. I hate going outside but I haven't picked up my mail in quite some time and it gets dark early nowadays so I don't have much daylight left once I wake up in the afternoons.

___________

It's about 10am and I've brushed my teeth and gotten dressed. I'm going out to get the mail and then coming back and going to bed. I will set an alarm and try to go grocery shopping today.

Lost the day

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday but missed it along with the rest of the day. My computer is kinda stupid and my G key is sticking and I'm really frustrated but workin on a list to keep busy. I cannot chat. Computer will not work well enough. I'll be tryin to back up my files so I can do somethin about this. The current list is:

1 Dead Zone
2 Stretch/exercise
3 Email
4 Livinroom
5 Bedroom
6 Bath/hall
7 Kitchen
8 Me
9 OLS
10 Student Bible
11 Floor
12 One Minute Bible
13 Music
14 Household Tips
15 Drawers
16 KJV
17 Xmas
18 Journals/Letters/Mail
19 Desk
20 Holy Bible
21 backup computer
22 Clothes
23 Women's Bible
24 Spark
25 Closet
26 Shopping
27 Asylums
28 Blog
29 Myspace/Facebook
30 Quotes
31 Surveys/Free/confusedalot
32 Journal
33 Sweeps

another multi-day post

Working on a list. A long list now. It varies a bit from run through to run through but the current list looks like this:

Pet Sematary
sweeps
livingroom
kitchen
bedroom
bathroom/hallway
me
email
student bible
magazines
one minute bible
clothes
king james version bible
spark
women's bible
myspace
blog
sweeps
holy bible
floor
closet
desk
pics
xmas
facebook
spam
music
journal




Mom came over after dropping kids off at school on Wednesday morning to help straighten things up before Danielle and Karen showed up. She hadn't left yet when Danielle and Karen got here but left right after they did. They sat and talked for just a few minutes and then we went for a walk. I hate the sun.

Spent Halloween doing not much. Watched a bunch of veggietales videos on youtube. I got dressed so that if any trick or treaters came to the door I was wearing something not stained etc and brushed my hair and stuff. Not a single person came to my door though. Lots of candy that I will have to eat all by myself now! I've had tons already. Bought 2 big bags of mixed candies at Ralphs on thursday evening and have already ate way too much of it.

I am almost constantly itchy and don't know why. Itchy everywhere. From the bottom of my feet to the top of my head and every where in between including my eyes, inside my ears, etc. I must be allergic to myself.

At 8:45am on saturday morning I am only on page 53 of 74 pages of Daily Sweeps. Not going to be able to do them all it seems.

I did not finish the sweeps saturday morning and as of 4amish sunday am on page 37 of 77 and that's with a spare hour due to the time change. Have been too easily distracted lately.

home visit tomorrow gah!

It's another hot day. I missed group. Felt and stil feel shitty. Could not get up and get down there in time. Called in and told them that my stomach was a mess (which is true) and I was not going to be there. She tried to talk me into coming anyways but I couldn't.

Got a call from Karen from the clinic saying her and the other livingwell group leader, Danielle, will be coming over around 10:30am tomorrow morning for a home visit. Blah. I'll have to get my apartment clean tonight and shower. I was washing dishes when she called.

Going to spend the night doing a list and trying to get apartment clean enough. Probably won't get to do daily sweeps tonight. :(

summer over yet?

It's been really hot today. Even turned the air conditioner on for a little while because I was so hot. It's supposed to be fall. Summer is supposed to be over.

On Thursday me and mom may be going out to Cal Worthington to look for me a car. Mine has endless problems and more than one mechanic has told me several times to get rid of it.

I'm entering daily sweeps and doing a list. Hopefully I'll manage to get through all the daily sweeps today.

a week to write this...

I went to the doctor's monday. I got a flu shot and a referral to a different

neurologist because the guy I have seen in the past just would never do anything for me.

I went to mom's house after that. I helped the twins finish their homework and then read

some books to them until they got too wound up and I got too aggravated to continue. Mom

got us all KFC. I had 5 chicken little sandwhiches (they are the size of white castle

hamburgers) and then some of the corn that mom made.

When I got home I watched tv, chatted, and did a lot of nothing for a long time. Talked

to a new person in #bus who was having a hard time for a while and started working on a

list I started a few days ago and is now quite long.

The current list:
Read
Livingroom
Email
Kitchen
Me
Bedroom
Mail
Bath/Hall
Sweeps
Clothes
MoodGym
Closet
Blog
Boxes
Bible
Magazines
Sparkpeople
Lists
Christmas
Floor
One Minute Bible
Dust
Journal
Woman's Bible
Music

The book I am currently reading is "From a Buick 8" by Stephen King.

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au MoodGym is a website that like helps you work out stuff dealing

with depression etc. The Bible I'm reading is The Student Bible NIV. I'm currently

reading some of the psalms. I have a ton of magazines sitting around that I need to get

rid of. The Woman's Bible has devotional readings that I'm reading, not just a regular

bible.

On tuesday I went to group. Loraine, who is a big Disneyland fan and a member of the

group I've known for a few years now brought me 2 pairs of pants and 3 disney t-shirts.

After group I went to mom's house I think. The twins were not home, they were with their

dad.

On wednesday I saw the gastroenterologist. He told me to have blood work done and then

an ultrasound and I have an appointment to see him again in a month. I didn't get up

until about 5pm or so on thursday so only paid my rent and didn't go get bloodwork done

or call the new neurologist. On friday I didn't get up until after 6pm so did nothing

yet again.

I finished the Book "From A Buick 8" a couple days ago and Saturday morning I finished

another Stephen King book "Doloros Claiborne". I have started reading yet another

Stephen King book. This one is called "Night Shift" and is a collection of short

stories.

I have not been feeling well at all lately. Been getting dizzy and lightheaded a lot.

Just a blah feeling in general and nausea is back at times. I'm acheyier than usual I

think too. I've also felt really depressed and anxious and my head has been loud. The

Bad Man has visited me in my sleep again. It's not as bad as it has been in the past

though fortunatly.

I've been writing this blog post since I think monday. It is now sunday. Early sunday.

lost confused

I wish the world would end. I’m so lost. I’m so sick of crying. I’m so sick of hurting. My back hurts so bad again. Everything hurts. I have to see the psychiatrist next Tuesday. I don’t even know what today is but I know I’m dreading Tuesday. I always dread seeing him. He makes me feel so stupid, so fat, so shitty. He says I’m not depressed. Why do I cry all the time? Why do I want to die? Why do I hate everything, especially myselfs? Why do the inside people have to be so loud? I don’t know what happened tonight. I was struggling and I gave up. That was at least four hours ago. I wasn’t asleep. At some point I took a shower. I don’t remember. I’m not even sure who does. I’m scared. This can’t start happening a lot again. I can’t take it. No one understands. I can’t tell anyone. It doesn’t make sense to me how would it make sense to anyone else? I’m trying so hard not to SI again. I feel so bad though and it’s the only thing that might help me for at least a little while. I keep crying. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy like everyone says I should be? I can’t go on like this. I’m so scared. No one can help me. We’re so alone. So lost. So empty. So stupid. I stay logged into #bus all the time just so I can pretend I’m not alone. I talk a lot but no one really listens to me. They tell me I talk to much. They say I’m boring. They’re right but I can’t shut up. Most of the conversations in there are way over my head. So many of the regulars there are grad students and stuff. I’m a junior college flunk out. I feel so stupid all the time. Not just in there but whenever I talk to anyone anywhere. I’m always so confused. I hate it. My pdoc is going to tell me to lose weight, get out, and get a job. He always done. I can’t make my head or body work well enough though. I hate seeing him so much. I want to quit going to the clinic at all. I want to quit going to any doctor. I want to just quit eating. I want to quit hurting. I want to quit. I’m so messed up and no one can help me. Yes I’m lazy. Everyone tells me that too. I know it. I’ve always known it. I just don’t have the energy and I don’t know where to even start even when I manage to get up. I sleep a lot. I also space a lot. I don’t know whats going on a lot of the time. I’m lost inside my head with all the inside people arguing. Sometimes things happen and I don’t know it like taking a shower earlier. I don’t remember taking a shower buy my hair is wet and I’m in clean clothes and stuff. I feel so lost. I don’t know anything for sure anymore.

A productive morning

I started a list around a quarter til 5am and worked on it all morning, well past time I should have gone to sleep. It's 10:30am now and I should really give up and go sleep soon since I have to make phone calls today. I got my bed cleared off, sheets and all as well as the kitchen table. I also got a lot of the stuff from the box separated and sorted and some clothes put away. I've also added a bunch of music to itunes.
I got 10 tickets to the Dodger game this sunday and emailed my friends. My sister and brother got jobs at a Halloween store and won't find out til saturday if they have to work sunday or not. Well I better clean off the couch and sleep a while.



"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."-Fred Allen

I'm being productive for a change

I've gotten into a funk again lately. Happens a lot. Tonight I've managed to be productive though. I've been meaning to write a blog post for a while now but I haven't done anything lately but sit and lay on the couch and babble in #bus. I haven't done sweeps all week. My apartment is a total disaster area but I have been following a list tonight and getting a little bit done finally. I'm having a little trouble breathing now and should probably use my inhalor. I guess the heat, movement, and dust from some of the stuff I've been going through is getting to me.

I don't think I've blogged anything at all anywhere all month if not longer and there were a few exciting things in August. On August 2 John and Danielle came over. We ran to tacobell/pizza hug and got dinner then came back here to eat. After that we went and found the local starbucks. Me and Danielle both had gift cards. I'd had mine a long time. I had three, at least one of which was from this past Christmas. Another one was older than that I think. We played some Uno and then we played a game they got me for Christmas called Last Word (i think that's the title) for the first time. It was a lot of fun but after 8 games Danielle had won every single time and it was after midnight so they went home. I didn't sleep that day at all because I was taking Dillon to Disneyland early the next morning. The alarm was set for like 6am or so and I never got to sleep. I haven't been going to sleep until dawn.

We had a good time on that trip, we always do though. We got there right after it opened and did a few things there, got fastpasses, then headed over to DCA right after it opened, probably at 10am. We were meeting people in the picnic area at 11:30am from micechat.com. That was a bit awkward because most of them knew each other and neither me and Dillon had met anyone before and are not active on the site. They have a meet-up every sunday at noon. This particular week they were having cupcakes first though to celebrate a few birthdays. Most of them went to lunch after a while and we weren't hungry so went off to use our fastpasses and such. Throughout the day we passed many of the micechatters and waved.

The twins' birthday was this month as well. We had planned to get a jumper but plans changed at the last minute and the jumper was canceled and we used some of the money I won from a sweepstakes to stay 2 nights at the Plaza Inn Hotel and Suites across the street from the Disneyland main pedestrian entrance...well down a bit, more across from DCA. We got there late in the day on the 6th and had dinner at IHOP then went over to DL for a few hours. The next day were were back there by 10am and had hoped to do a character breakfast but it was $30 a piece for that and IHOP had come up to a ridiculous $90 or so the night before. We did have breakfast on main street though, just not the chracter one. The twins were pretty cranky that day from getting to bed late and up early. We all still had fun though.

We got home late on the third day and then the following night Kylee's girlfriend came over and I went over and grandma made spaghetti and we had cake. The twins finally got to open their presents. They had a pretty good birthday this year.

On August 17th Sergio, Dillon, and I went to Warped Tour in Carson. Dillon had been dieing to go to this all day concert. There were like 8 stages and around 30 bands I think. Katy Perry and Angels and Airwaves were the only ones I really knew. Some of the other bands were pretty good too though. I had won 2 tickets in a sweepstakes and Sergio agreed to go with us so I wouldn't have to drive so I bought his ticket and mom gave him gas money. I got really sunburned and so did Dillon. I had put lots of sunblock on that morning but I should have reapplied, and wore a hat.

I was sick too. When we got home from DLR I had a sore throat that got worse and wouldn't go away. I went to the doctor and was given an antibiotic and she did a throat swab to test for strep. The antibiotic was a 5 day one and the doctor's office called me the day I had finished it to tell me it was strep and I wasn't any better by then so they called in a second, different, antibiotic. By the time I finished it I was fine. The concert was when I was still taking the first one or had just started the second one though so I was pretty miserable. The sun burn did not help things. Sergio was also miserable. He has gallstones and has surgery scheduled for late september because he can't get off work before that.

Thanks to Labor Day I got my check on friday and was able to go grocery shopping saturday. I spent a lot more than usual but at least I have plenty of food for a while. Which reminds me...There are oranges in my fridge. I may have one in a little while.

It's almost 4:30am and I would like to get some more done before I sleep. I did not sleep well at all yesterday. Had reflux and couldn't lay down. Around 10am I finally managed to get comfortable propped up and slept about 2 hours. I got up and went to the bathroom but after a short while was able to get back to sleep. I had nightmares the rest of the day though. Waking up on and off. I didn't actually get up and on the computer until after 6 though. I was really tired and slept from 9pmish until almost 11. I've been doing a list since about 2am I think. I should get back to it now...

A cool giveaway

Check out acowboyswife's blog and enter her giveaways! Very cool!

http://mywoodenspoon.com/2008/07/27/3mth-giveaways-come-to-an-end-with-a-bang/

Cadaver calculator

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Check out the letsgogreen giveaway!

I found a giveaway for biodegradable trashbags. So check out the blog called The Ramblings of a Woman and read the post that is linked in the title of my blog post. We should all try to do more for the environment.

TOY STORY MIDWAY MANIA!

On Thursday, July 3rd I drove Kylee, Trisha and their a-hole friend Travis (or was it Trevor? Who knows...we'll call him "jerk"). The first thing I wanted to do when we got there was go on Toy Story Mania which I've been wanting to do since I first heard the ride was being built! If you don't know what TSMM is please go look it up! Better yet, go to DCA and ride it! I can't wait to ride it again (and again and again...)! I loved it.

Me and Kylee in line


I was yellow, Tricia was green.


Riding TSMM was the best part of the day by far. Kylee and her friends treated me like crap all day. Oh well. I got to ride TSMM. I won't be going to DL with Kylee and her friends again though. I won't be spending any time with jerk or doing any favors for him at all. Kylee did apologize to me after mom talked to her the following day. The fact that Kylee treats me (and most people) like crap on a regular basis and apologized just before asking for help with something from me makes me not appreciate her apology as much as I've tried to. She tried to apologize tho.

The night after getting home from DLR I sat down and cried longer and harder than I had in quite a while. It was my worst trip to DL ever. I can't wait to go again (WITH DILLON! OR MOM AND THE TWINS AND DILLON!) to forget about this trip and return happiness to my DL memories.

I couldn't get anyone to go on Toy Story a second time or explore the new Dream House inside Innoventions which I really wanted to see. Hopefully me and Dillon can go see it soon. Mom and Dillon had gone to DL the Sunday before and rode TSMM twice and had lots of fun but the dream house was closed at the time. I wish I could have gone with them but I'm glad the two of them were able to spend quality time together just the two of them. Dillon don't get enough attention. With the twins always keeping mom busy and all Kylee's graduation stuff recently he kind of got lost in the crowd.




I've been pretty depressed lately. The treatment by Kylee and her friends really didn't help. The fourth I just stayed home. Was tired, achey, depressed, and just didn't want to deal with crowds and such. Kylee don't like fireworks so just mom and Dillon went and watched fireworks at the same place we go every year. Mom said it was the same show as the last 2 years, same music, same fireworks choreography. There was some famous singer tho that sang one song. I can't remember who it was though. Someone I'd heard of that has been around for many years. Mom said she was a friend of someone involved in planning the fireworks performance and sang one of her popular songs than was driven off in the van they drove her out to the stage in. Mom's not sure it was her but it pretty sure.

Sunday mom took me and Dillon to the cheap theatre and we saw Wall-E. It was cute. Mom fell asleep tho and when she woke up started playing tetris on her phone so I guess she didn't really get into it. Mom ALWAYS falls asleep though no matter how good the movie is. It's too bad we couldn't have taken the twins but they're with their father and he has already taken them to it. Mando did let my mom have her visit with the twins the last 2 wednesday nights but we think he's off this week so he'll probably have plans and she wont get to see the babies. I believe his 4 weeks are over on the twentieth of this month.



Oh recently I won a $100 visa giftcard doing sweeps. Also won a 6-month premium membership for OLS.

Well I have a dentist appointment at 1pm today and it's 6am now. I had a nap but I should try to get a couple hours of sleep.

Give me a 10 for 6pm.com's Best Best Friend

Give me a 10 for 6pm.com's Best Best Friend

Check out MomReviews

I found this on OLS and thought I'd share this one (I"ll be doing this occassionally with various sites).

MomReviews

I wish I could win the Suave products!

GooGoo Dolls Acoustic #3 lyrics

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screamin'
You're not listening anyway

My sister graduated!

Well it's been a little while since I've actually written anything anywhere. My sister Kylee has had a very eventful couple of weeks. Last night she graduated high school at 8pm. All my friends were there, and of course most of my family was there. It was disappointing that grandma decided not to go but our sister, Amber, came and even our father, Rick, showed up. My family got to meet my best friend's boyfriend for the first time. Amber got to meet all my friends for the first time. It was great seeing Amber again after so long.
I got over to my moms house yesterday around 2:30 or 3pm I think. I visited with the twins and grandma and all for a while where Kylee got ready. Then me and Kylee headed off to the college I've gone to all these years because she had an appointment with a counselor there. The two of them worked on a student educational plan (SEP) for Kylee and answered a few questions Kylee had and then I took Kylee to the main office to pick up some papers that show what classes are needed for each major but most of the ones she wanted to see were not there. They need to refill the slots where they go. I took Kylee to the financial aid office where she spoke briefly with someone there that told her to make sure she's got her FAFSA done and such. Then I showed Kylee where the food was and bought her a soda and pointed out the bookstore and the library and what buildings were which in that area. Then we headed over to the district field where her graduation was. When we got there the other high school that used that same field that same day for their graduation was just starting to leave. So the area was a mess of people and we parked a street over and walked over to the field and waited for our family and friends.
Marcie and her boyfriend Eddie were the first of our group to show up. Shortly after that John, Danielle, Sergio, and Brianna showed up. We then waited, talking to my mom a few times on the phone, for Amber to arrive at the house so mom and Dillon and the twins as well as Amber could come over there. Rick arrived shortly before the gates opened. Most of my friends went in and got us seats while me and Marcie waited with Rick outside because mom had his ticket. Eventually we all got in and sat in the bleachers and waited. Boy were our butts sore at the end of the ceremony. Bleachers are not a comfortable place to sit. It's a killer on my back too.
It took a good fifteen or more minutes for the graduating class of approximately 250 to march into the field and file into their seats. Then there were several speeches and then the calling of the names in a mostly alphabetical order. Kylee was fairly easy to spot because she was the only one with the blue and gold honor cords like the ones me and Marcie wore. They are for honor thespian. Something not easy to earn but Kylee more than earned with all her involvement in the drama department at school and all the stuff she's done outside of school productions. After the ceremony ended everyone rushed the field to meet up with their graduate. It took a while to find Kylee in that mess and then her and Dillon both lost themselves in the crowd saying congrats and bye to all their friends. Eventually Kylee picked up her diploma and we found her near the exit taking pictures with her girlfriend and friends. Dillon took quite a while longer to get over there. Once we finally got them rounded up we drove over to Denny's where everyone else was waiting for us.
At Denny's we had the banquet room which mom had reserved. It was very nice. Mom had brought in quite a bit of decorations in earlier in the day and the staff there decorated with the stuff she brought in. Most was black and gold because that is the school colors and some even said the school name on it.
Most of us ate. Me and Danielle shared a grand slam and it was good. Rick left before we ate but he did at least come by there. He gave Kylee $50. Kylee kind of felt gypped because at my grad he had given me $100. Most of my friends gave her gift cards for various things. Amber got her a big basket of snack foods that Kylee loved but didn't see until she got home because Amber rode with mom to the grad and then to Denny's and the basket was in her car. Poor Amber was so exhausted but couldn't leave until someone took her back to our house and we'd forgotten she was stuck there and when we realized it I ran her by the house (a 2 minute drive tops) so she could go home. She gave me the basket and I went in and sat it on the couch as she went home. I then found Kylee some flip-flops and took them back to Denny's because her feet were killing her from wearing the nice shoes she had on. By the time I got back my friends were all walking out and I spoke to them a minute or two in the parking lot before going back into the restaurant and helping clean up. I then drove Kylee's friend Andrew (I think that was his name...real nice guy) home and took Kylee back to the house and visited a while before going home around 2:30am.
I ordered Kylee an 8gb memory card with a usb card reader to go with it. It'll be a few more days still before she gets it, however. I did tell her about it yesterday though.
I think everyone had a pretty good time last night. The twins were exhausted though. They had gone to Universal Studios with their dad the day before and were obviously up fairly late last night compared to their usual bedtime around 8pm or so. They had to get up early today to see their asshole of a father who kept them late day before yesterday but had a tantrum when mom told him today that they were going to be late today because they were tired and hard to get up this morning. The twins did NOT want to go visit today. They wanted to stay home and relax but mom had no choice but to make them go. I think it's the 20th of this month they go with him for an entire month. My mom is going to go nuts and the twins are going to miss her and their home terribly.
Kylee's grad night was last week and they went to Disneyland. She said the park was packed full of too many schools and all the lines were horrendous. Today she has been on the computer trying to get stuff backed up so I can attempt to fix their computer. Secure sites (email, bank, school registration site, etc etc) do not work at all on their computer now. The isp troubleshot with us a couple times for a few hours and eventually told us to reformat and start over. I haven't done it yet because Kylee hasn't backed up her stuff yet and Dillon is ALWAYS on it. (Myspace still works). Dillon starts summer school monday. He doesn't not need to go but is getting a class or two out of the way. He got pretty good grades. They both did. I was trying on my computer to get into the school website for her but we can't get logged in. we have to call the school Monday and find out why her ID and password are not working.
I am very proud of Kylee this week (and always)! Here are a few pictures I took yesterday:

This blur is Kylee as she graduated:



A proud mom kissing her daughter:



Kylee with many of my friends:



Daniel loved Amber immediatly:



Sister and father who hadn't seen each other in 8 years:




Kylee and our father:



The cake (I think those were real flowers but we weren't sure):



Hannah and Dillon doing some kind of secret handshake:



My friends:



And finally...a piture taken before we left for the graduation- "When Hannah attacks!" lol:


Congratulations little sis! I love you!

last night

Last night John and Danielle came over. We had a good time. We talked. We ate pizza. We played Life Twists and Turns board game (I won!). We messed around on the computer. Looked at old yearbooks and looked up people on myspace. We just hung out. I’m glad they came over. It’s good to have friends like that. Marcie was invited but it was all last minute and she already had plans with her boyfriend…a football game or something. I don’t remember exactly.

I’ve been looking at Disneyland videos on youtube. I find them very interesting and I really want to go to the park again. It’s been way too long. Last time I went was the first week of January! Unfortunately I just haven’t felt physically up to going somewhere like that. My family has been a few times. I can’t even go to the grocery store without feeling like I’m going to collapse. I then go home and lay down and don’t move because I feel so tired, weak, and achey. I hate this.

I went like 2 full days without ending up throwing up. Yesterday afternoon I threw up but I managed to eat pizza without getting sick and today I had stuffed shells pasta and have not thrown up, but my stomach hurts. My ankles have really been bothering me last couple days. I have lots of other pain too which is keeping me from getting to sleep. My doctor don’t want me taking any pills because we don’t know what is wrong with my stomach.

On May 28th I have an appointment to have an endoscopy. I am so dreading this. My mom is taking me. I just hope it lets them figure out what’s wrong and then fix it. I’m so sick of feeling like shit everyday!

purity test

You Are 76% Pure

You're pretty pure, and you have no plans on changing that. You do have a devilish side though... and it will probably get the better of you.

The 100 Question Purity Test

A true friend

My definition of a “true friend” has been questioned.

A true friend is someone that sticks with you through thick and thin, NO MATTER WHAT.

A true friend is there for you when you need them most, without cursing you for needing them and without complaint.

A true friend would never threaten you in any way and does NOT continuously remind you that you “owe” them for all the things they’ve ever done for you.

A true friend doesn’t run from your problems but asks you to talk about them.

A true friend doesn’t lie to you and call you the liar.

A true friend supports you in any decision you make.

A true friend doesn’t remind you of every mistake you’ve ever made, but reminds you of the good things you’ve done.

A true friend really means it when they say they love and care about you, and show it!

A true friend can be told anything without making you feel bad.

A true friend remembers the things you did for them and the times you were there for them, not just what they did for you.

An untrue friend will say they don’t want you in their life and then continue to contact you to put you down and threaten you, reading all the stuff you post.

So now we know my definition of a true friend! I have true friends, most notably is Marcie. She has always been there, no matter what. And I hope I’ve always been there for her, no matter what. She fulfills all the things I mentioned above and then some. I hope she realizes how much I appreciate her.

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sick

It has been a while since I’ve written anything. I’ve been sick. A couple weeks ago I went to the er on a Thursday night and they took my gallbladder out that Saturday. I was very sore from the surgery but the soreness has mostly gone away now but I’m still just as sick as I was before going into the hospital. Most of what I eat does not stay down. I’m always either constipated or have diarrhea. A couple times I had blood in my stool. My stomach almost always hurts and whenever I eat anything or even drink too much it hurts worse. I get heartburn and acid reflux pretty bad most of the time. I’ve got an appointment with a gastroenterologist May 8. Hopefully they can help me. The doctor who wrote the referral said they will probably want to do a colonoscopy. I’ve heard the 2 days before that procedure are very miserable. I just wish I could die and not have to go through any thing else. Last night I had chicken noodle soup and it came back up before I could even put my bowl in the sink. I still need to wash the dishes. I haven’t gone and gotten my mail like all week. I’m feeling really terrible at the moment though and don’t feel like walking right now, for I might throw up again if I move around too much at the moment.

I don’t do much of anything now. I dropped out of school weeks ago. I haven’t been going to group at the clinic. I go to doctors appointments and on the days I have doctor appointments I go to my moms house. Other than that I pretty much stay on my couch and try not to throw up. I’ve come to discover who my true friends are and there aren’t as many of them as I once thought. I pretty much keep to myself now online. I used too many minutes on my phone this past month since I was in the hospital for part of the time and now most of my friends talk to me on the phone instead of those who I used to talk to online.

Dropped out of school

I dropped out of school completely.
I'm sick and just can't get the project done that involves going to libraries and observing 6 seperate librarians for half an hour each and interviewing them or something. Without this project I wont pass the class so why continue to go to class? Not like the class matters any ways. What would I do with the stupid certificate? Put it in a box?

I weighed myself today. 203. This is more than 20 pounds less than it was like a month or so ago. When I eat my stomach hurts worse and the nausea gets so bad and the food often refuses to stay in my stomach. I'm miserable. I don't know how much more of this I can take. The gastroentorologist cannot see me until April 21st. I've been counting down the days in hope for some kind of relief. I'm supposed to have an ultrasound. They are booked but were finally able to get back to me with a cancellation for April 29th. I keep track of my calories on sparkpeople.com but I am not trying to lose weight. There has been a day here and there when I ate as many as 900 calories in a single day but these are far and few between and just because I ate that many calories doesn't mean that all of them actually got absorbed. I am NOT making myself sick on purpose. I HATE throwing up. Many days I manage to consume about 300. Many days less.

I'm so sick of this. I cry all the time. I'm lonely. I can't go anywhere. I hurt all over. My back is killing me and my stomach always hurts now. I turned down going to Disneyland twice now because of my stomach! I didn't go to CEC. I had a chance to go to Laughlin with John and Danielle. The room was paid for and danielle even offered to pay for one or two of my meals but I couldn't go. I'm sick. I don't know whats wrong. Many mornings I can't get to sleep at all because I cannot lay down due to the nausea.

And I've got a bad attitude and I'm always screwing things up. No one wants to talk to me at all anymore. My ipod is messed up. My computer blue screens all the time. It's all my fault. I can't do anything right.

Don't talk to me about my stupid blog. "Pity party" ya ya ya. shut up and leave me alone