Friday, November 18, 2005

I've made my sister hate me

I'm sitting here crying yet again. Kylee's in the livingroom, where she sleeps, crying. She hates me for good reason. I'm rude to her all the time apparently. I really don't mean to be. I tried to apologize. I tried to give her a hug but she just wanted me to go away and leave her alone. I love her so much and I can't stand that she don't want to have anything to do with me. I can't stand seeing her so miserable. I feel so helpless. I don't know how to make it up to Kylee. I don't know what to do. I want to cut so bad but I'm afraid I'll get caught right now.

Which is most important to you--being popular, accomplishing things, being organised--and why?

Being popular is not very important to me at all. I never have been and never will be popular. I have friends, good friends, but I'm far from popular and it doesn't matter. Being organized, however, is important to me. It drives me nuts, depresses me, and makes me anxious how unorgainzed my room is. I want/need it to be organized but I just don't have the patience to get organized anymore. It sucks. Most important to me is accomplishing things. I need to accomplish something everyday, perferably more than just one or two things a day. They can be small accomplishments (i.e. showering, using my votes on e2, writing a paragraph for a node, getting some email sent, etc). I get really depressed when I don't have anything to show for my time. I feel useless, helpless, hopeless, anxiety, and a strong urge to self-injure. Today I didn't accomplish much. I plan on taking a shower after ER goes off, and everyone in the house has gone to sleep.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action. -Johann von Goethe

Lately I haven't been journaling much, in large part because I can't think what to write. Today I used Blingo and looked up journal/diary prompts. The title of this entry came from those lists.

Ignorance in action, AKA Mando (my future ex-stepfather) serving my mom divorce papers before she could get her stupid lawyer to deliver him papers. Divorces get so damned complicated. Mando is going to do everything he can to make this divorce HELL for my mom because she left him. He never thought she'd really do it, I think. He thought he could continue treating her like shit forever and she'd just take it.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

mom hates me

I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out. I want to die and I need to cut more. I already made 100 tiny cuts but its not good enough. I’m not good enough. My mom is mad and everything is my fault. Its my fault that mando is such an asshole. Its my fault for having friends I confide in. mom made me hang up the phone when she called earlier so I wouldn’t tell anybody anything she said. Now I’m supposed to go over and help her move here. She don’t want me around but grandma says I have to go. I hate being around my mom when shes in a bad mood. I just want to keep cutting, deeper, wider. I cant stop crying. I want it all to end. I hate life. I hate being miserable. They’re all moving in here so now theres no escape from my moms moods and the babies fighting and all the noise. Theres no escape. I’m stuck. I can’t stand it. Please Lord, oh please take me away from my life. Please make it all end. Please take me away so I don’t hurt, anger, upset anyone. Please let me cut deep enough finally. I don’t understand what it is I did that was so bad to make my mom hate me.

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

Got a new computer

I haven’t blogged much lately because I went a month without a computer. I now have a new, better computer. My old computer was a Dell Inspiron 1100 with a 20Gb hard drive. Now I have an Inspiron 6000 with a 60Gb hard drive, a faster processor, and a few other features my old computer didn’t have, such as a DVD burner.

Today I cut. Right before my mom and Dillon and the babies showed up here. I got blood all over my pants and had to change. I also got some blood on my sleeve from the one small area I cut on my arm. I did it because I was floaty and didn’t want to lose time. While my family was here I could feel my still bleeding leg. Blood was dripping under my dark blue sweatpants I’d put on and the pants were sticking to the blood on my leg. I think Dillon saw the blood on my pants before I had a chance to change. I hope he don’t say anything to anyone.

I’ve been sleeping more at night and less during the day and I feel exhausted all the time. I want to go back to staying up at night while everyone else in the house is sleeping, and sleeping during the day. I get more privacy that way. With mom, Kylee, Dillon, Daniel, and Hannah all moving in I’m gonna need to do so more because they’ll be even less privacy here then.

Tomorrow I have to go to the clinic and should go mail my old laptop in before they decide to charge me. I got it in the box today. I just have to seal it and put the label they gave me onto it.

It’s Tuesday today. I wonder what comes on tv tonight that I like to watch.


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