Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Lost without you

It's just another day. Another pointless, useless day. I feel like crap. Hot. Achey. Depressed. Irritable. Lonely. Empty. Frustrated.

Harmony's computer died. Dawggy has spent the day trying to fix it. I called her earlier. We talked for a short while but she had to go help with her grandson. She said she'd call me back but I know she's not going to. Oh well. I dont have anything worth saying anyway. I never do. I hate myself. I hate life. I wish the world would end or God would just let me die.

I want to SI. I'm trying not to because everyone tells me not to. I know it only helps temporarily but it does help.

I'm sorry.....

Sunday, June 24, 2007

I ride this train

It's a little after 4am. I'm talking to nanny. I'm listening to music. The song that is playing is "I don't care" by Savage Garden. I'm chewing gum. I'm entering sweepstakes. I'm depressed. I'm hurting. I'm tired. I took a nap. I got up to take my meds a couple hours ago.

The thing I'd been looking forward to for so long, seeing Darren Hayes live, came and went. I wish I could have enjoyed it more but I was so anxious from being in a crowd that it was hard to have fun. I'm glad I went though. It had been seven years since he'd played in the US. There's no way I could have missed it. It was worth the $30 for sure.

Now I'm back to feeling hopeless and empty and unsure of what I get out of bed for. I know why I don't actually try to end my life. I don't want to hurt my family and friends. It would devistate those that loved me if I killed myself and I'd probably go to hell for doing it. So every day I get up, talk to my friends, hurt, get little if anything accomplished, and (most days) cry.

How many days am I going to regret the day? How many nights am I going to cry and pray for the world to end, for my life to end? Have I been wasting all these years, drowning in my tears? What am I going to do with my life? Is it worth going to school? It's so expensive. Will I ever work? Will I ever even graduate? If I do will it do any good? Will I be able to get a job? Will I be able to keep a job? Can I please go cut myself? Can I please bleed and bleed? I know that's not the "right" thing to do. I know it don't help in the long run. I also know it makes me feel better for the moment. Even tho I usually feel guilty afterwards, at this point I'm living one moment at a time. All that matters is right now, not the later. And right now I'm depressed and lonely and crying and wanting to change the way I'm feeling. I wish I had someone to hold me on nights like this, some one that'll hug me while I cry. Someone that won't get mad at me for saying I want to si. Someone who could somehow make me feel better. I don't have anyone tho. Never really have and never will. No one can handle me. I'm too needy.

I finally uploaded it...

I promised a few people I'd show them my final project for the library class I took a couple semesters ago, Introduction to Audio/Visual Services. My mom helped me out a lot by agreeing to do the video. It got a laugh and a decent grade. Thanks mom!

(She's gonna be embarrased I put this on the web but who really reads my blog anyways eh? lol)

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Darren Hayes at the Roxy

On friday, June 22, 2007 I saw Darren Hayes at the Roxy in Hollywood with John and Danielle.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

It was a great show. Tempo Shark opened. They're not a bad band either. Darren sang two songs that haven't been released yet, "Time Machine" and "On the Verge of Something Wonderful", which are both great songs. A couple newer songs and a few older solo songs as well as a couple SavageGarden songs.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

The crowd and the heat, especially the crowd, were really getting to me. The anxiety made it hard to enjoy the performances but I love Darren's voice and his cute little dancing so much that it was still fun. I wish my pictures had come out better.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

it's been a while

I havent blogged in almost a month. Just haven't felt like it. I haven't been doing the greatest. My back has been bothering me a lot and I've been getting a lot of headaches and I ache all over pretty often. i've been to disneyland a couple times and i got to see Darren Hayes at a club. that was exciting.

i've been depressed lately. sick and tired of feeling like shit all the time. i broke my computer by knocking it off the tv table in the livingroom. i got it fixed cheaply but i had to go without it for the weekend and can no longer use two of the usb ports.

well i guess thats it for the moment.