A dog in class

Today I got up at 1pm, two hours after I had intended to get up, rushed around getting my laundry and school stuff together, and went to LivingWell Group. I talked in group today. It was suggested that my nausea and headaches are due to anxiety or sodium allergy. So tonight I didnt eat dinner. I ate some toast with butter a little bit ago.

After groupI went to grandma's house and started my laundry and ate some chocolate. then I went to school. One guy in the class brought his boston terrier. The teacher thought it was cool. I think it was a bit of a distraction. But not enough so that I would complain. The dog was cute. After a few minutes of oohing and awwing over the dog the guy put the dog in his lap and class went on.

the headache, the backache and the nasea

Yup, I feel like shit and don't want to do anything. I'm trying to follow a list. Dawggy's keeping me on track with that. I just want to give up and go hide from the world forever. Why do I always feel like shit at night anymore? This just ain't fair. It makes getting school work done difficult and my apartment is getting messyfrom my lazyness. I'm lazy cuz I feel like shit.

yet another stupid blog entry

I am writing here because it's on my list. The thing is, I don't know what to say. I'm watching a special Dateline on tv about the massacre at Virginia Tech today. It's sad that so many people had to die from one guy that must have had a lot of hate in him and didn't want to live anymore. I understand why someone wouldn't want to live anymore but not the desire to hurt and kill other people.

left over ravioli

I'm eating left over ravioli from olive garden. It's not nearly as good as it was fresh. I had ramen for dinner a few hours ago and corn after that. The ramen left over was just a little bit and the nausea is not very bad yet. I forgot to get my medicine from the pharmacy.

Igot a letter from financialaid at citrus college to give section 8. I also got my password reset for my voice mail. I bought the babies each a hotdog at the mall because mom didnt have enough money and they were hungry. I had $20 from Marcie's mom that was part of my birthday present. I bought myself a drink at orange julious so i only have a few dollars left now. oh well.

I wish my space bar wasn't messed up. Sergio and Danielle both tried to fix it but got no better tha I had. At least it works now as long as you hit it just right.

I'm a bit nausious. Not as bad as I was the other night but not feeling well. I need to go to the pharmacy tomorrow and get my refill of prevacid. It helps to keep me from getting nauseated.

Olive Garden

Goofio took John, Danielle, and me to Olive Garden for our birthdays. I had three samples of different wines. I had a mozerella triangle, several breadsticks and the best Cheese Ravioli. It was marinera sauce with three types of Italian cheeses melted on top. I brought some home.

Afterward Danielle and Sergio tried to fix my space bar but couldnt. That was dissappointing. I think it's going to be broke forever.

Hungry or bored?

I feel hungry a bit but I think its just something to do not a real hunger. I had a hungryman tv dinner (chicken parmasan) and some jello after that. I donn't need food but I want to eat. but then again i dont want to eat cuz i want to lose weight. what shall i do?

My back hurts

The medicine the doctor gave me for my back might be helping some but not tonight. My back hurts again tonight and I wish I had some vicodin or lortab. It's hard to concentrateonanything when I'm in pain. It's hard to concentrate even when I'm nnot in pain.

I'll make a wish, send it to heaven, and make you want to cry

What would you wish for if you had just one wish? What if you had three wishes? Would you wish for world piece? Would you wish for money? Love? Or simple things like a day without pain? A week or a month without a headache? I don't know what I would wish for. Perhaps to be free from backpain and/or headaches. Perhaps a lot of money for myself and my family (including Harmony and Dawggy). Maybe I would just wish for peace of mind or for my prayers to come true. I would probably wish for the world to end. I want to die but I don't want to hurt anyone when I die so I want the world to come to an end. Then there would be nobody left to miss me.

space bar

I kinda broke my space bar. it's working for now but its not really attached to the keyboard. I'm gonna ask Goofio to try to fix it tomorrow. It's been really frustrating trying to get it back on there. I cried a lot. I wanted and still want to si but I'm not going to.

*sigh*

I spend every day pretending to be fine. I hide the depression from almost everyone. I get so tired sometimes. It takes a lot to be "happy". It takes a lot to even get out of bed. The only thing that seems to keep me out of bed is talking to Harmony and Dawggy. I try to get to the clinic all 4 times a week that I'm supposed to be there but it is so hard to get and stay out of bed that early in the day and for that long. I just want to hide from the world. I want to hide so that I don't have to pretend to be fine and laugh at all the jokes. I am sorry I'm not what you want me to be...

Today

Well it was a pretty boring day. I slept on and off most of the day. I talked to the financial aid director at Citrus and she told me I have to fill out a form for them to be able to release information. So I'll go down there after clubhouse on monday. I walked around the block to check my mail. I got nothing. It was a wasted trip. Oh well, I guess it's exercise. I talked to Marcie online for a while. Of course I talked to Harmony and Dawggy too online. I haven't got much accomplished today. I'm feeling depressed. I just want to go hide from the world. Hide from everyone and everything. I don't like life. I feel like such a waste of space and time.

What's the point in ever trying? Nothing's changing anyways

I made jello. Sugar free strawberry kiwi. I'll get to eat it tomorrow after class, after dinner.

I'm itchy. I don't know why. I can't wait for this semester to be over but then again I like my english class. Psychology is okay too. I just hate the typing class. The directions make me feel confusedalot.

I'm following a list, Dawggy is keeping me going on it. I don't know how I ever got anything done before I knew Dawggy and Harmony. Psych is on the list twice cuz i'm studying for a test. Typing is on there somewhere too. Blog is obviously there too.


Well I guess I better move on...

ow

I accidentally sat down with my foot some how got under the chair leg. It hurted. It's dinner time soon. I just finished a cup of decaffinated green tea. did i mention my foot hurts?


..............................

I ate a thin and crispy red baron personal pizza for dinner. It was good.

Tommorrow I have to go to school and before that I have to go to the pharmacy and get the medicine for my ears.

too many lifesavers

My tongue is icky because I ate too many lifesavers today.

I talked to Grace about the housing and she said that she can't help me. I have to go back to the housing authority office in sante fe springs and appeal. My current rent is $414 but my income is only $856 plus a couple hundred a year for financial aide for school. I can't afford the rent now. Grandma and mom cannot afford to keep paying for some of my bills. I'm very thankful that they have been helping me with my car insurance and groceries this month.

I tried calling section 8 housing but all u get are machines. i left a message and if they don't call back today (which they won't cuz it's after 6pm now) and don't call back by tomorrow afternoon i'll call them again.

Feel like shit

My head is pounding. My back is acheing. The light is too bright. I ache all over. The world is too loud. I just want to go get under the blanket and hide from it all but I have shit I gotta get done for school. I should go take a shower too. I hate myself and I wish I were dead. I'm not having a very good night. I can't think straight which makes school work really really hard.

my back hurts

Nothing new. I've taken my meds for my back but they don't reallly help much. I want to go hide in bed but I know I need to get my typing homework done, study for psychology, clean, and work on English.

I hate life. I don't want to do anything but hide.

Easter

My mom called me around eight am this morning. I got up and went over there before the twins woke up. We each had a basket, all five of us. They all had some candy in them and there was a bowl of candy too. I got 4 twelve packs of diet soda. I left one of them over there and brought the other three home with me.

After I got home Marcie and her mom came over. They brought me housewarming and birthday gifts. They got me a cheese slicer, electric can opener, tea, some garfield stuff, headphones, windshield wipers, $20, a case for my flash drive, 2 cds, and a couple other things.

I ate ziti parmasana for dinner, then ate the left over dip and now I'm eating a can of corn. My electric can opener works good. I've been eating candy all day.

Diet Dr Pepper Berries and cream

That's what I'm drinking tonight. I don't have much to say right now. I'm following a list with Dawggy's help. I hope to stay up a while tonight and work on some home work and some cleaning. I just realized its midnight. It's Easter.

“I can't wait to figure out what wrong with me, so I can say this is the way that I used to be”

-John Mayer

Today hasn't been a bad day like most days lately. I got to clubhouse on time. We had food. I had a blueberry muffin and a piece of my birthday cake. It was chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and strawberries on top. It was good. Lorraine gave me an extra large Tinker Bell mug that is white with a picture of tink on both sides and says TINK and the inside is green I think. It's cute. Shirly send me some large kitchen towels through Christine.

After clubhouse Christine took Pauline and Maggie home then met me at grandma's house. She helped me move a book case here. I gave her $5 for gas money. I wish I could give her more.

I called grandma to let her know that I was safely home and got a dog treat in the mail and to see if today was the day my mom and I were going to go grocery shopping but mom is still gone buying easter stuff and drain-o and who knows what. Me and grandma talked awhile, mostly about how stupid Mando is and how he treats my mom and the twins.

Now I'm following a list...


english
bedroom
kitchen/LR/bath
blog
sbf@g
myspace
sweeps
bleuteam
me
typing

Another lazy day

I didn't get out of bed until about 4:30pm. I then got up and rushed around to get to school on time. I made it but just barely. Class went ok. I've got a couple of papers to do. I then went and got some of my clothes from there and played Nintendo with mom and Dillon.

Sizzler

Today I went to clubhouse in the morning. Annette gave me my meds early because she won't be there friday.

No cake.

After clubhouse and talking to Annette I went to grandma's house. I took grandma to get her almost dead car and followed her back to the house. A few minutes later I left to get to my 2:45pm doctor appointment. I went to get some pain meds for my back and to find out why I keep getting dizzy and my ears ring. The doctor gave me Naproxen and samples of a muscle relaxer called skelaxin that's not covered by Medi-cal. He looked at my ears and said they were inflamed which didn't surprise me cuz they hurt and the ringing. Dizzyness can be caused by a problem with your ears.

I went back to grandma's and after a while we went to sizzler. Grandma gave mom $60 for us to eat and give me the change. So I've got about $5 and some change now from that. I paid my $3 dues today at clubhouse so I have two five dollar bills now and some change. I'm trying not to spend any money unless I really have to.

Paranoia

I'm scared. I just know someone is waiting to hurt me. They follow me on the streets. They make the radio talk to me. They lurk everywhere I go. They hide in the corners in my apartment at night. I don't know what to do with myself.

“And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.”

-Abraham Lincoln


Nothing matters. No need for a cake. No need for candles. No need for gifts. No reason to celebrate. No reason to cry any more tears. No "happy birthday" needed. It's just another miserable day.

Technically my birthday ended an hour ago. But mom's taking me out to dinner tomorrow for my birthday and this weekend Marcie may come over and bring me a gift. I want to get my birthday behind me and forget about it for the rest of the year. I want to die and can't.

My birthday

Today is April 3, 2007, my 26th birthday. A reminder that I have to live yet another year. I have always hoped to be dead before I got any older. I wish I could just die but suicide is not an option and that leaves me here miserable. I shouldnt be miserable. i've got friends and stuff. i even have my own apartment but i cant afford it.