I wish everyone would give up on me

Why do people have to CARE about me? Why can't everyone give up and leave me alone? If everyone would give up on me and stop being my friends I could kill myself without so much guilt. I don't want friends. I want everyone I care about to go away so I wouldn't hurt anyone when I ended my misery. But NO all you damn people that care about me make it impossible for me to end the misery. I have to ACT fine and shit. I'm so tired of feeling shitty. I'm so tired of being a useless flunky. But I can't end it because of stupid people caring about me. WHY DO PEOPLE CARE ABOUT ME? I'M USELESS! A waste of space, time, caring, etc etc...

GIVE UP ON ME DAMNIT!

slipping between dimensions

I'm unsure of everything. Time is a mystery. I'm not even completely in this dimension. I keep slipping in and out of this frame and into others. The depression is intense. The unreality overwhelming. Nothing makes sense except death and even that is a mystery. But death would put me solidly into another dimension, another frame of existence. We are not okay right now and do not know if we ever will be.

I don't know

I don't know what to say. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what is the truth and what is lies. I keep crying. I don't know why. I wish I could just die or at least cut so I'd feel better. I'm so mean to Harmony. I hate it but I hate her for loving me. I even told her that. If only she could hate me I'd finally have a good reason to die. She wont let go of me.

Depressed on my birthday

Today I turned 24. I was okay all day. I sat outside Vons from about noon til about 6pm asking for donations for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society with John and Danielle. Linda (Danielle's mom) was there with us for a while and Sergio showed up for a while later. The three of us came to my house after that to try to register online for the 5k we're doing this weekend. The site wasn't working. Then we went to Pepe's for dinner with Sergio. Sergio bought me my quesidilla. He then dropped us off at Danielle's house and went to pick up a field trip. Danielle went and got Emma and the 4 of us played a game called Sequence a couple times. They then took me home. I talked to my mom, sister, and brother on the phone briefly. I talked to Dawggy and Harmony online for a couple minutes until they went to bed. Now I'm feeling terribly depressed and lonely. I don't know why. I guess I just didnt ever want to be this old. I always hoped I'd be dead before I was ever even out of high school. Why won't God just let me die?
I was such a pig today. I ate 3 pieces of pizza for lunch and a breadstick. We then shared an entire bag of cookies. Later I ate 2 corn tortilla quisidillas, a bunch of peanuts, and came home and had a piece of the mint n chip icecream/chocoalte cake my mom brought me last night. I also had a lot of soda today. I'm a big fat lazy pig and I don't want to live anymore. I wish I had a blade to cut with to make me feel better. It's been far too long since I last cut.

Wishing life would end

Current Music: 10,000 Maniacs - Everyday is like sunday

Current Mood:

Interesting Node: February 21, 2002. (The first thing I ever chinged).

Interesting non-e2 url: My donation page, please help.

Picture:

Caption: I really did see a pink elephant!

Quote: Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day;
live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have.
It is later than you think.
--Horace

Trivia: In 1493, who returned to Spain after his first voyage to
the New World?

Joke: I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only
about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing
out a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving
a gal a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-dicked Nazi. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I
called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about
20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a shit. My car was parked around the corner. I
try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: I’m a fool when it comes to money matters, among other things.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: I can’t think of anything.

Current music: I want you to want me

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I’ve been very depressed. Tried pulling away from my friends but they just won’t let me do it. I scratched up my arm pretty good with a kitchen knife. That’s the most I’ve done in like two months. My room is a disaster, worse than it’s ever been. My abnormal psychology reading is coming along much slower than it should. Danielle’s birthday was yesterday and I haven’t even copied the CDs she wants yet. No idea where the CDs even are or the blank ones. I wish I could just die really, really soon. I need to really cut, not just scratches. I need to see the blood drip down my leg and arm. There are times I hate my bestest friends for talking me into getting rid of all my blades. Right now is one of those times.
My aunt Robin has moved in with us. I cannot stand this woman. She is very narcissistic. She finally got a job at Rubio’s (a Mexican restaurant of some sort) yesterday. So of course she had to celebrate by drinking again. She’s an alcoholic and has abused drugs for as long as I can remember. Grandma is letting her stay here rent-free and giving her gas money while I have to pay $300 a month to stay here. I wish Robin would go away. Every time she starts talking I feel an irresistible urge to self-injure, which lately has mainly been pulling my hair while she talks or banging my head while I hear her rambling on in the other room. I hate life and I wish my friends would let go so life could end. I’m sorry.

Current music: Darren Hayes - I like the way

Trivia answer: In 1493, Christopher Columbus returned to Spain after his
first voyage to the New World.

Current mood:

Last thoughts: It’s only 1:20pm and I’m wishing the day would end, just as I do everyday all day and all night. I hate life. I hate just about everything.

Depression taking over

Today started with a THUD as I fell off the bed as I reached for the phone. After assuring Marcie I would be ready by 9:30am I unwedged myself from the small area between the bed and the desk chair. As I began to get ready for my therapist appointment the phone rang again and it was my mother. I then had to get ready while on the phone with my mother the entire time, going to the bathroom, brushing my hair and teeth, etc, all while holding the cordless phone while mom and grandma rambled on about all the usual stuff. I wasn’t quite ready when Marcie got there and was still on the phone with mom and grandma. Marcie patiently stood there and waited while I rushed around to finish getting ready. Her mom was driving. They dropped me off as close as possible to where my appointment with Abe was. As I started the short hike to the health center they found a parking place. While I sat in a small room with Abe they went to the fitness center and worked out. I told Abe I was dropping one of my three classes and that I was depressed and often wish I were dead. He told me how fortunate I was to have Harmony, Dawggy, Marcie, John, Danielle, and Sergio. He went on about me being addicted to depression and needing to find the achievements of daily life even if it’s as small as I survived the day. I came home and turned on music and began reading some of the abnormal psychology textbook and as I studied I can feel the depression begin to press harder and harder on me until I start thinking of death once again. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing makes me happy like it used to. I’ve been exercising every day and I’ve been told so many times that exercise is supposed to make you less depressed but it’s not helping me. Every day feels worse than the day before no matter how much exercise I do. I’m so tired of feeling like shit. I just want to give up and find a way to die that no one can stop it from happening. I’m sorry.

Living healthier

I've been sticking (somewhat) to Weight watcher points and starting yesterday, walking everyday and training for a marathon. Yes, Blue is training for a marathon. And she needs every body's help. We need sponsers. I don't know if I can finish the entire 26.2 miles but I'm going to walk as much as I can and I'm going to raise as much money as I can. Today I walked a mile in about 25 minutes. Tommorows goal is 2 miles. Every other day is 20 minutes, 2 miles, 20 minutes, 2 miles....and eventually longer times and distances. Wish me luck and please help me raise money. I'm open to any ideas! Thanks!

I'm trying to stick to a diet but I've cheated tonight. After I took a shower, it was about 1:20am and I was hungry so I made myself a quesidilla. I drank a glass of OJ and then ate a 100 calorie pack.
Now I'm drinking a flavored water I was going to save for our trip to Disneyland. Hopefully I can get to wal-mart before next friday. We were going to go this friday but it rained all day.


It's 3am. I should be but I don't feel sleepy. I'll try soon though.

Screw the template

I'm depressed and barely functioning. I've decided to drop the class I wanted to take (abnormal psychology with Dr. Schaliky) because I have no dependable transportation. My car won't pass smog and is not repairable. Grandma said she'll help me get a car for my birthday but that's not until the end of the semester. I'll still have developmental psychology online and the health science class online. I'll probably go curl up in a ball now.

Restless

Current Music: none again

Current Mood: restless and tired

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: went to the psychiatrist

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I’m having trouble focusing on anything for long. I’m tired and restless. I cant sleep. I can’t focus. I went to the doc today. I start zyprexa again in the morning.



Current music: Mary did you know

Current mood: unsure how I feel

Last thoughts: whatever my mood is isn’t where I’d like to be.

TItles are hard to come up with

Current Music: Darren Hayes – So Bad

Current Mood: Kinda high on pain pills

Interesting Node: The Christmas Shoes

Interesting non-e2 url: Bubblewrap!

Picture:

Caption: This is from Don Mammen’s memorial service. I thought it was pretty so I scanned it.

Quote: “Death borders upon our birth, and our cradle stands in the grave. Our birth is nothing but our death begun.”
--Bishop Hall

Trivia: What 1978 Disney animated featurette is about the special journey of a donkey from Jerusalem to Bethlehem?

Joke: Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at Xmas

1. Did you get any under the tree? 2. I think your balls are hanging too low. 3. Check out Rudolph's honker! 4. Santa's sack is really bulging. 5. Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff. 6. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake? 7. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. 8. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real. 9. Can I interest you in some dark meat? 10. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.


Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: That talking about cutting, in any form, upsets Dawggy. I cannot stand to have him upset with me. Also, from working on school work we learned that Yoga gives a person agility and flexibility.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Was there for a friend at her father’s memorial service and after.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment: I don’t really feel like rambling right now. My eyes keep crossing. I went to Montclair Plaza with my mom and we ate in the food court then went out and found Borders and spent almost $200 on Kylee and Dillon. Then I took lortab.


Trivia answer: The Small One

Current music: John_Mayer_-_Come_Back_To_Bed_[live_on_leno_07.20.2004]

Current mood: Don’t know

Last thoughts: Lortab is my friend but my head still kinda hurts but I go to the doctor tomorrow.

Thanksgiving is over!

Current Music: Martina McBride – A Broken Wing

Current Mood: Numb

Interesting Node: A self-censored Scapegoat is a dead Scapegoat

Interesting non-e2 url: Truth in advertising

Picture:

Quote: “You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving” –Amy Carmichael

Trivia: Geyser is derived from an Icelandic word for "hot springs."

Joke: I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists'
canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two
widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: Daniel likes my car.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Um, not much.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
Thanksgiving is over and I’m glad. I haven’t been able to accomplish much lately. My concentration is practically non-existent most of the time.

I had to put up with Mando yesterday cuz it was thanksgiving. I was glad when it was time to go home.






Current music: John Mayer – Come Back To Bed

Current mood:

Last thoughts:

"You can listen as well as you hear"

Current Music: Bonnie Raitt – I can’t make you love me

Current Mood: Depressed

Interesting Node: I opened a fortune cookie for you yesterday

Interesting non-e2 url: Mother of all Excuses

Picture:

Quote: “I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination.
Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is
limited. Imagination encircles the world.”
--Albert Einstein

Trivia: In 1972, who ended a 22-year ban on U.S. travel to China?

Joke: The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map
reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and
minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me
for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45
degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess
you'd be eating alone."

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: My therapist says I’m brave, and perhaps, according to his explanation, maybe, just maybe I am.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Started going to therapy.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment: *sigh* In the same week two of my friends lost their fathers. This disturbs me greatly. I wrote a node about my own father and how I’ll never tell him how I truly feel about him. Dawggy got to tell his father. I doubt Danielle did. Dawggy’s dad is now in his finally resting place, I think Danielle’s dad’s funeral is tomorrow. I have this obsessive repetitive thought that someone dear to me will leave this world soon. Deaths for some odd reason always seem to happen in threes. I don’t know if that’s just celebrities or common people as well but it seems to me that death always comes in three. Perhaps it has something to do with the Holy creature of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. I don’t know. I’m just rambling.
I started therapy. There’s now a part time therapist at Citrus college I’ve seen last Friday and again on Monday and I go back and see him this Wednesday. His name is Abe and so far he’s a better therapist than ones I’ve had in the past, only time will tell if it’s truly helping. I’ve had to fight the tears both sessions. On Monday he talked about suicide, suicide as a creature preying on those who are hurting. He talked of the different way it manifests itself. I’d never thought about it the way he explained it, but in an odd way it made sense. He told me I should write an email or something to my sister telling her what he said and how I wouldn’t be able to deal with losing her. Just the thought of losing any of my siblings makes the tears flood to my eyes. Oh dear God please don’t take away the people I love any time soon.


Trivia answer: In 1972, the State Department ended a 22-year ban on U.S.
travel to China.

Current music: Joe Nichols – If nobody believed in you

Current mood:

Last thoughts: I’m tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of being achey. Tired of feeling so crappy. Tired of the sudden unexplained tears. Just tired.

Bedtime but blogging first

Current Music: Our Lady Peace - I'll be watching
you drown

Current Mood:           

Interesting Node:

Sad Little spiral-bound notebook diaries

Interesting non-e2 url:
http://www.blingo.com

Picture:

Caption: My first car, washed and decorated as my 19th
birthday present.  They put a radio in it for me.

Quote: "Friendship improves happiness and abates
misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief"--Marcus
Tullius Cicero

Trivia: The electric eel's shocking power is so
great that it can overtake its victims while 15 feet away.

 

Joke:

Attending a
wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the
bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is
the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then
said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

 

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: Going IP
still sucks.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Got on
an antidepressant (Lexapro) and had Zyprexa increased. 

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:

It's my bedtime.   
but I'm a
and I wanted to finish one more write-up which I still haven't finished. 
It's morning now, which for me is the end of the day.  I
know I"m weird.  I was in-patient for three days starting on November 1st. 
I'm glad it is over with.  Now I need to get an appointment with that
stupid doctor at the La Puente clinic.  Hospitals are supposed to set up an
appointment before discharging patients but they don't. 

Current music: Prince - Seven

Current mood:

Last thoughts:

"Smile," as sung by Michael Jackson

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...
La da da
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

La da da
la la la
la da da da da da
la la la la la
*whistles*

---

I'm trying very hard to smile but the tears just keep coming.

Saturday night

Current Music: None, watching 48 Hours Mystery.

Current Mood:

Interesting Node: The crazy things we do to keep ourselves sane

Interesting non-e2 url: Photobucket

Picture:

Caption: The outfits say “Double Trouble” with a smiley that’s a boy and one that’s a girl. Under the girl on hers it says “Hannah” and under the boy on his it says “Daniel”

Quote: Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real
miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense every-
thing that comes from love is miracle.
--Marianne Williamson

Trivia: In 1936, in the presidential race between Franklin D.
Roosevelt and Alf Landon, both parties used what for the
first time?

Joke: Q:How did the phone propose to his girlfriend?

A:He gave her a ring.

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: My two library teachers don’t think I should quit their classes.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Saw a psychiatrist and started Zyprexa.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:

It’s Saturday night. I’m following a list. I have quit going to school, but will start an online Health Science course soon. I’m watching Mad TV. I’m depressed. I’m tired. I got the munchies. I have eaten 1,240 calories since midnight. I suppose I could eat 60 more calories which will make it 1,300. Then perhaps have 1,200 tomorrow, and 1,100 the next day, and then 1,000 each day after that. That should help me get into my jeans that are all too tight. This is hard because the Zyprexa I started today makes me tired and hungry. The mental health clinic dashed my hopes of being helped. I’m not going to kill myself or anything, I’m just feeling blah.

Trivia Answer: In 1936, in the presidential race between Franklin D.Roosevelt and Alf Landon, both parties used radio for the
first time.
Current music: Watching Mad TV.

Current mood:

Last thoughts:

Blogging cuz harmony said to

Current Music: None, flipping channels on the tv

Current Mood: urgy and tearful

Interesting Node: Pierre-Paul Prud'hon

Interesting non-e2 url: Damn Addicting games

Picture:

Caption: It’s been a difficult week.

Quote: "Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and
you choose the one that will get you home by 9:00 p.m."
--Ronald Reagan

Trivia: Giants baseball catcher Roger Bresnahan introduced shin
guards in 1907.

Joke: A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her
fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to
take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her
fingernails were growing normally.

One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed
nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I
bite them instead."

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: The MARC tag for main entry is 100.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Got to class.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I’m blogging cuz Harmony told me too. Not doing very good. She’s really not either. Tried getting appointment at clinic. No luck. Lost paper I have to fill out and send to SSI. Room is a disaster area. Homework piles so high. Depressed. Almost suicidal, but not a danger to self.



Current music: none. Watching dateline or something.

Current mood: Bad thoughts

Last thoughts: Why do I bother?

Areas of my bedroom (to help me clean and such).

1. Door
2. floor in front of door
3. very top shelf
4. top book shelf
5. second book shelf
6. stereo shelf
7. second to bottom shelf
8. bottom shelf
9. floor in front of shelves
10. on top of TV /top of TV cabinet
11. TV cabinet shelf
12. TV cabinet cabinet
13. floor in front of TV cabinet
14. floor between TV cabinet and hamper
15. hamper
16. computer stuff box
17. corner area of floor
18. floor between computer box and dresser
19. floor between dresser and bed
20. top of dresser
21. drawer 1
22. drawer 2
23. drawer 3
24. drawer 4
25. drawer 5
26. drawer 6
27. drawer 7
28. drawer 8
29. drawer 9
30. floor between dresser and corner wall
31. top of headboard
32. upper shelf of headboard by dresser
33. lower shelf of headboard by dresser
34. middle of headboard
35. upper shelf of headboard by window
36. lower shelf of headboard by window
37. bed
38. under the bed
39. lamp table
40. floor under window
41. corner TV tray table
42. top of night stand
43. night stand drawer 1
44. night stand drawer 2
45. night stand drawer 3
46. Floor between bed and night stand
47. floor in front of closet
48. closet floor
49. closet
50. Fan and missed spots.


Drawers are done top to bottom then next column top to bottom and so on. List made clockwise through room (mostly) starting at door and ending next to the door. By seperating it into really small areas cleaning isn't so overwhelming.

Current Music: Prince - Soft And Wet

Current Mood: Tired

Interesting Node: Borderline Personality

Interesting non-e2 url: Spellcheck.net

Picture:

Caption: The twins first day home from the hospital, thirteen months ago.

Quote: At the end of our life, we ought to be able to look back
over it from our deathbed and know somehow the world is a
better place because we lived, we loved, we were other-
centered, other-focused.
--Joe Erhmann, Football coach

Trivia: In 1759, in the French and Indian War, the British defeated
the French near what city?

Joke: A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole." A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."
The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie. A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said. Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle." "You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle. On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win." "OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round. As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: In MARC records the code for physical description is 300.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Rescheduled CT scan for next Tuesday.

Current Music: Train - Meet Virginia

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I don’t really have many words for now, I think. I’m frustrated with homework. I feel overwhelmed with school and with life. So many things just make me want to cry. I took a Lortab a while ago, because my back hurt so much it became hard to even breathe. I could not get comfortable laying down and I need to be doing homework but sitting upright was very difficult. The pill is helping the physical pain. I’m depressed though.


Current music: Aerosmith - I don't want to miss a thing

Current mood:

Trivia answer: In 1759, in the French and Indian War, the British defeated
the French near the city of Quebec.

Last thoughts: I don’t know if medication can even really help me. Perhaps the doctors who said I was “too sick” were right. Maybe there is no hope for me.

Time to use the template thingy! um yeah.

Current Music: Sugar Ray - Anyone

Current Mood: Hyper as heck. Bouncing.

Interesting Node: Asperger's syndrome (idea) This is just one write-up in the node, if you want to read the rest click on "(all of Asperger's syndrome, there are 7 more in this node)" or here

Interesting non-e2 url: Darren Hayes Music Video for "I Miss You"

Picture:

Caption: A girl named Kylie` who is a friend from #manicdepression made this for me today to cheer me up. She's cool. Kylie lives in Australia with her one year old daughter Ella.

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging:
How to register my own chatroom on mIRC, and how to make it auto-op me. I also learned (from Dawggy then looked it up for more information) that that thing I do and have seen Daniel as well as other children do where our arms wave and our body tenses up is a often a symptom of autism and asperger's syndrome called "Stimming".

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging:
Not much. Been very depressed all day until a little bit ago when I suddenly got very hyper. But I have had a few minor accomplishments:

• Registered a room.
  
• Made it auto-join and auto-op me.
  
• Cleaned out clothes hamper, but can't do laundry til tommorow because grandma doesn't like me doing it at night.
  
• Gotten about two paragraphs written for a node
  
• Gotten thorugh about two paragraphs of public services notes.
  
• Helped my sister Kylee with an algebra problem...
  

  
  A² - B²
  __________
  V³
  
  When A=7, B=5, and V=5
  
  

• Made Kool-aid
  
• Made blog post template
  

Current Music: Def Leppard - Long, Long Way To Go

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I was supposed to go to the hospital for a CT scan at 7:30 of what is now yesterday morning. I didn't make it and when I woke up at 9am after nodding off while resting my burning eyes at about 5:30am and realized I'd screwed yet another major thing up it sent me even deeper into an already deep depression. I turned the computer off and pushed everything onto the floor that was still on the bed after rather carelessly placing the computer table on the floor. I just layed here all day, sleeping on and off, crying at times, catatonically staring at the walls, the ceiling fan, the shelves, Princess (the Angel doll that Harmony and Dawggy gave me), the floor, the door, or whatever else I could see. My head was full of thoughts that if revealed would likely get me evaluated for a 5150. The inside people were quite noisy. Eventually the stares from Princess' huge blue eyes made me think to call those that gave her to me. I saw the yellow spiral journal notebook that their phone number (and the phone card number) were in. All I had to do was reach down, it was on the floor just next to the bed. So was the phone. I tried calling once, but there was no answer. Later I tried again. They were just walking in the door. They had to bring the groceries in and asked if she could call me back. I apologized for calling, not sure what I really even called to say. She said she would call me back in a few minutes. That was enough to give me the motivation to get up out of bed and finally go to pee. I hadn't even done that since some time the previous night and it was now five or six in the evening. I then came back into my room and curled up in a ball again and cried. She called and I cried and cried but she managed not only to get me to calm down and stop crying but to actually get me to laugh some. Eventually a friend of theirs showed up and she hung up but we later talked on IRC and even Dawggy was on the computer today. He's been ill, mostly from med changes, and hasn't even been on the computer much at all recently.
I ended up cutting some which really helped me get out of the funk enough to at least sit up and try to do anything. Later Dawggy played a sort of a game with me to get me to do something, anything. It was a "you accomplish something, I will" type thing. It was really helpful. They both are very caring and very funny and love me very much and help me more than anyone.
I talked to Marcie and Harmony together on AIM. That was nice. I ate a cheese canneloni lean cuisine tv dinner.
Now everyone has gone to sleep, except me of course, and I'm pretty sure I'll be up for hours. I'm thinking of making some tea. I know I shouldn't have caffiene but whatever.


Current music: GroupX - Mario Twins

Current mood: Spazzy

Last thoughts: Um, Not really. I think I might add a few things to the template. Perhaps a Quote section and a Things to do section. Also, I might add some HTML to make each section title in bold or something. We'll see.

A template thingy!

I got like suddenly manic after being super super depressed and made a template I'll try to remember to use when I blog. Feel free to use it or whatever...

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Current Music:

Current Mood:

Interesting Node:

Interesting non-e2 url:

Picture:

Caption:

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging:

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging:

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:




Current music:

Current mood:

Last thoughts:

Darren Hayes - Where You Want To Be

Hey there stranger
Do you remember?
You were a part of my life
Early December
Think I remember?
Sentiment cuts like a knife
The seasons are changing
Life's rearranging
Full of could've dones
Would've beens
It's all your fault
And where have you been
And how time goes
And now I dont even know
How to fill in the spaces
of the love you erased in my life

Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should've turned right?
Are you where you want to be?
Did you sell off all of your gold
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?

And barely symphonic
But strangely ironic
Moments contained in one glance
Oh how I adored you
But now I'm ignored by you
No evidence of romance
And now it's vaguely familiar
I think I remember sharing every single intimacy
It doesn't seem so strange to me that we barely entertained
Even the politest of phrases
But sometimes at night
I conjure you up in my mind

Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should've turned right?
Are you where you want to be?
Did you sell off all of your gold
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?

While I was busy
Perfecting the art
Of deflecting compliments
I took it too far
And I let a ripple run right through my heart
Of battle stations we're building
You and I just grew apart
We grew apart

While I decided
To make everyone else happy
I just put aside
My foolish pride
I guess I denied
My own desire
I was too busy pleasing
To ever be pleased
I forgot how to breathe
Or question anything
Or ask why?
Am I?

Am I where I want to be?
Did I get here easily?
Did I make a sacrifice?
Did I take a sharp left
When I should've turned right?
Am I where I want to be?
Can I sell off all of my gold?
Can I trade it in?
Will I wait for Love
Or settle for somebody to hold

I'd settle for somebody to hold now

You know that I've been up and I've been down
I've been picked up and spun around
I'd do it all again
If I could just have somebody to hold now
I just need somebody to hold me now
Could somebody hold me now?
I just want somebody to hold me now
I'd do it all again

I'm lonely. I'm depressed. I'm anxious. I have to get through this textbook chapter. I have to get A's in my two classes. I also have to do everything grandma and mom and everyone else want too. I can't please everyone. All I really want is someone to hold me and just let me cry onto their shoulder wheile they rub my achy back. I just want someone to hold me. I think I need someone to love me. I have Harmony and Dawggy to love me from a distance, but sometimes I just need someone to actually hold me in their arms.

Decision

We have decided to hide the "insanity" by acting only as "Jennelle" no matter who is in control we must answer only to Jennelle and act only as is expected of Jennelle, a 23 year old college student. When this is not possible we will go where no one can observe in any way until we are able once again to act or be Jennelle.
Depression, anxiety, any disturbance must be hidden. From now on we are "fine".
From this point on we are Jennelle and "I'm okay."

Been a while...stuff to do

I haven't blogged in some time now. Been feeling really icky. Both physically and mentally.

Stuff to do:

• Organize LT 101 papers. (Public Services)
  
• Organize LT 201 papers. (Cataloging)
  
• Cataloging book work.
  
• Cataloging lab work.
  
• Bag of Bones Writeup
  
• actor-observer effect
  
• Flexeril
  
• Dave Petzer book w/up
  
• Floor
  
• Bed
  
• Tommorow: Fax paper
  
• Tommorow: LT 101 class 7pm
  
• Tommorow or monday: Go to Charter Oak, with observation papers
  
• Contact medical doctor about tests
  
• Try calling case manager again
  
• Give away gmail invites
  
• Check yahoo accounts
  
• Leave feedback on ebay
  
• Vote on e2
  
• Go through e2 msgs
  
• Finish node audit on [face]
  
• Use other e2 votes
  
• Read statistics book
  
• Dresser
  
• Drawers
  

Okay now I gotta go actually try to do some of this stuff...

Long sucky day

Mom and grandma sure are experts are making me feel like shit.

I bought my textbooks today. I also tried to get into a regular doctor but they don't take Medi-Cal patients unless "they come here for long, long time now" as the lady who worked there and spoke little understandable English said. Frustrating.

My textbooks were three hundred and twenty something dollars but EOPS covered $300. It was a long pain in the butt trip to the school today. Lots of back and forth. Lots of lines. Lots of staff don'tknow what the hell their doing. Whatever.

Mom, Mando, Kylee, Dillon, and the twins had family photos done today. Mom made sure to call and tell me she's glad I wasn't included in them. Thanks mom. I've been unable to keep from crying since. They make a point NOT to include me as part of anything "family" then make a point to call and tell me they excluded me. I don't have a family. No one wants me.

Harmony and Dawggy call me their little sister but thats much easier to do from the other side of the country. If they had to deal with me f2f they'd not want me either.

I'm so sick of crying...