Sunday, July 30, 2006

Desperately wanting to be productive

I've been trying and will continue to try to hide how deep the depression I'm stuck in is. I have to be strong, especially with Harmony. She's going through the worst days of the year for her, the days after her son goes back to West Virginia. She's in a very very deep depression. I have to do what I can to support her. It doesn't matter how I feel. I love her like a sister.

I spend most of the day in bed. I'm not always asleep I just do not have any motivation to get up and do something. Everything is a chore, even getting on the computer, which is what keeps me going most days, feels like a chore sometimes lately. I've been missing clubhouse and SIA (though I did go this week thanks to Marcie), and I haven't been going to the gym. I feel my life is a waste. I feel like giving up completly. I'm hopeing that starting school in a couple weeks will give me a purpose and help pull me out of this hole that seems deeper and deeper with each passing day.

It doesn't help matters that I have $10 in the bank. I can't afford to live on my own. I can't even afford to live with grandma. All I pay here is $300 including utilities and most of my food. How in hell will I be able to survive on my own? I desperately want to get out of here before grandma kicks me out. But everything is so expensive. I'm afraid I'll never be able to live on my own because of money. I'm sure I could live on my own just fine besides the being in debt part. I can take care of myself. I just don't have the money to do it.
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