Thursday, July 6, 2006

Haven't had the words

I have not journaled, blogged or done much writing of any kind lately. I just haven't been able to get words down. I've been pretty down lately but I haven't cut since either tuesday or wednesday. I've found myself hopeing for death. I want someone to smash into my car while I'm driving alone. I want to fall in a pool and drown. I want to get run over. I want to slip and fall in the shower and never wake up. I just don't want to live anymore. The thing is, suicide isn't an option for me because it would devestate the people that love me. I know there are people who love me. I sometimes wish there wasn't so I could die without guilt. But, due to having friends and family that have told me they care about me, I can't take my own life. I just have to wait for God to decide it's my time to go. All I can do is hope that time comes soon.

I worked at the library bookstore today and didn't go to the gym again. I didn't go at all last week. I had an excuse everyday, doctors visits and such. I worked at the library this monday and the gym was closed tuesday for 4th of July. I went yesterday for only half an hour and today I worked at the library and didn't make it to the gym.

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