Confusion

Today I'm having trouble distinguishing between what is happening in my head and whats happening in the world. Sounds, conversations, actions...

I made an appointment with my family doctor to get some kind of pain medicine for my back and ask about the dizzy spells I keep having. The appointment is this wednesday at 2:45pm. I'll probably go from the clinic to grandma's house because the office is real close to her house.

I feel so tired. I think I slept all night and when I got home from the clinic I slept for like three more hours I think. It's hard to even roll over in bed.

I want to SI as a pick-me-up. I know thats wrong. I know I'm not supposed to do that and I know it only works for a little while. I still want to do it though.

Tomorrow I think moms taking me to a place to get 200 lbs of food for $20 but I may have imagined the conversation.

Acoustic #3 by the GooGoo Dolls

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming?
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you're hiding here alone
And your mother loves your father
Cuz she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
Cuz the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying?
Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
Cuz the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming?
You're not listening anyway

If you don't run your own life, somebody else will.-John Atkinson

I was asked to stay after group today with Kelly and Dr. Martin. They said I was zoning out in group a lot and that I'm not trying hard enough on the worksheets and I say "I don't know" and "I guess" too much. I said I'd try harder. The worksheets they give us are really difficult for me. I'm not sure why.

I don't know ...

hold me [plz someone?]

Hey
If we cant find a way out of these problems
Then maybe we dont need this
Standing face to face
Enemies at war we build defences
And secret hiding places

I might need you to hold me tonight
I might need you to say its alright
I might need you to make the first stand
Because tonight Im finding it hard to be your man

Hey
More than angry words I hate this silence
Its getting so loud
Well I want to scream
But bitterness has silenced these emotions
Its getting hard to breathe
So tell me isnt happiness
Worth more than a gold diamond ring
Im willing to do anything
To calm the storm in my heart
Ive never been the praying kind
But lately Ive been down upon my knees
Not looking for a miracle
Just a reason to believe

I might need you to hold me tonight
I might need you to say its alright
I might need you to make the first stand
Because tonight Im finding it hard to be your man

Do you remember not long ago
When we used to live for the nighttime
Cherish each moment
Now we dont live we exist
We just run through our lives
So alone
Thats why youve got to hold me

Hey
If we cant find a way out of these problems
Then maybe we dont need this
Standing face to face
Enemies at war we build defences
And secret hiding places

I might need you to hold me tonight
I might need you to say its alright
I might need you to make the first stand
Because tonight Im finding it hard to be your man

The day after

It's the day after Disneyland. I'm acheing all over and feel drained. It was fun but I feel guilty after I have fun, like I don't deserve it.

The twins went on Space Mountain. Hannah said it was too fast. Daniel said he'd go on it again but only one time.

going to disneyland tomorrow

My alarm is set so that I can get to the LPVMH clinic to see Kelly and my new therapist by nine am. After that appointment I'm going to skip clubhouse and go to my mom's house and from there head off to disneyland.

I don't know if Kylee is going or not but Dillon is going, the twins are going, my mom is going and so am I. I like going with my family but sometimes its nice to go when the twins aren't there so I can go on all the big rides.

No matter what I do I end up hurting after it. Cleaning my room is hard because I get lightheaded and dizzy when I stand up and my legs hurt from getting down to the floor.

no honey in my green tea

I like honey. I like green tea. I don't like honey in my green tea. Honey is for chicken nuggets and black tea.

Since I moved into my apartment I've eaten an entire box of frosted mini wheats, most of which was at night.

Not a good night

I've been crying and cutting this evening. I have felt really depressed this evening and I've got a backache and a headache. Dawggy is trying to help me with a list to get my thoughts off the inside people and cutting and onto being productive. I'm worried about money. On monday I'll call housing authority again. We may go to Disneyland monday but I've got to go to the clinic first.

September 3, 2006

It's been a while since I've written anything. I'm back in school after a few semesters as a drop out (again). This semester I am taking just 5 units. I am taking Library Science classes. Introduction to AudioVisual Services is my 3 unit class and Introduction to Children's services is my 2 unit class. I enjoy the Children's services class much more than the AV class. Some of the AV equipment we have to use is ancient. We have had to do a lot of tape splicing in the AudioVisual class. I do NOT enjoy that at all. I've been in school for about 3 weeks now. So far I'm getting A's in both classes but we haven't really done much yet in either class.

My ISP (Verizon dsl) has sucked lately. I can't stay connected, especially at night. I've ordered Time Warner Cable but that can't be installed until the sixth of September. The cable is going to cost me an extra ten bucks a month but it'll be much more stable than what I have now. I never had problems with cable. I switched when they raised my monthly rate from $24.99 to about $55.

I've got an annual pass to Disneyland. My mom and siblings also have passes and so do two of my friends. Tomorrow my friends and my 15 year old brother are going despite the fact that it's going to be very busy.

I joined a women's fitness center called Butterfly Life a few months ago. My grandma said she would pay for it but then changed her mind after a couple months when I hadn't lost enough weight. Now I'm stuck with a $39 bill every month which I cannot afford. I plan on going there on Wednesday and begging to be let out of my contract. I don't know if they'll let me but I have to try.

Congratulations Dawggy! I've never seen you as happy as you are when you talk about your daughter.

Hiccups

This is like the third time today that I've had the hiccups. I hate having them. I get them all the time and don't know what causes them.

Tomorrow is a pj day I hope, unless my mom brings some stuff she dug out of the shed for me.

Sunday will be a pj day. Monday I have to be at the clinic by 9am for therapy with Kelly and Dr. Patel. After that is clubhouse. Then I get to go home, possibly sneak a nap in there before I work on some schoolwork and cleaning/unpacking. It's spring break so tuesday I only have to go to the clinic for living well group and not go to school. On wednesday I have to be at the clinc at 9:30am then home just like monday. Thursday will be a pj day I'm hoping. Friday will be another clinic day then home. It's gonna be a failry easy week I hope.

How to be the high school drama’s house manager

When I was in high school I was the House Manager for several productions. There are many things that the house manager is expected to have under control. The high school I went to (Charter Oak in Covina, California) had a fairly large and impressive drama department. The house manager is the person who is in charge of the audience and all things related to the audience.
I enjoyed being a house manager. I learned a lot. I learned how to be in charge. I learned and taught others how to sell tickets with a seating chart. I was taught how to substitute for real security personnel. I learned how to make a profit and how to keep track of the profit made minus the costs that come before profit. Being house manager taught me how to deal with difficult audience members. And last but not least, being house manager taught me how to make decisions that affected other people as much as myself.
Before the production is seen by an audience the house manager needs to get tickets made or ordered. The tickets must then be sold. At the same time the tickets are being sold the theater’s lobby is being decorated to match the theme of the show. Also done while the production is in the rehearsal stage is getting refreshments to sell at intermission. At the high school level the refreshments commonly come from the parents of drama students involved in the production. The house manager sits down with a list of phone numbers of parents and calls them one by one asking for their donation of food and/or beverages to be sold during the intermission of the show. What doesn’t get donated gets bought with drama department funds but when I was house manager I often ended up spending some of my own money to get last minute things.
As house manager I made name badges for each member of the crew which they wore around their neck. On the back of the tag I would write what their job was for the night. There were usually three jobs per person per night. They had a pre-show time assignment, an intermission assignment, and a post-show assignment. Pre-show assignments included selling tickets, collecting tickets, one of several ushering positions, program selling, handing out extra credit sheets, etc. The intermission jobs included watching the exits, selling programs, selling refreshments, etc. And after the show 1assignments included selling programs, cleaning up the theatre, cleaning up the lobby and the area we served refreshments, and making sure no audience members sneaked backstage. Our plays usually ran from Tuesday thru Sunday. Each night of the play each crew member was given three new jobs. The reason for this is so that everyone got a chance to watch the play at least once.

October 7, 2006

I went back to college this semester. Since mid-August I've been taking two classes. Both are library technology/science classes. On Monday nights is Children's Services and on Wednesday is Audiovisual Services. The Monday class is laid back, and a pretty fun class. The Wednesday class is not so much fun.

The Children's services class has assignments of reading and reporting on ten children's/young adult books, plan a storytime, read a book to a class, and tell a story using some form of media (such as puppets or flannel board). The tell a story part is something I've been worrying about a bit because I'm very unskilled in making things and can't afford to buy stuff. Other than that I've found the class enjoyable for the most part. It's a nice break compared to AV. The AV class might be fun for some people but as for myself and Cindy and Evvette (the two women in the class I do the lab work with), it is not fun at all. Forty percent of the class grade depends on the Performance Exam. It's an approximately hour long test in which the student has to set up, hook-up, and demonstrate how to use several pieces of audiovisual equipment. Thankfully I am registered with the Disabled Students Programs and Services office at my school because I am mentally ill. Part of my special accommodations is time and a half/distraction reduced on any test. Because of this additional time I was able to complete all parts of the exam within the time and a half time I was given for each part of the test. Another ten percent of the class grade depends on the Midterm exam, which I took this Wednesday afternoon. I will update this log when I find out what I got on it. I do not feel I did very good on it. I studied as much as I could until I would lose concentration, which was difficult for me. However, I felt I had a good grasp of the information that had been given to us in the first half of the semester. When I got the test I blanked out. I couldn't remember crap. The Audiovisual class also requires three hours of lab time each week. We've covered Audio players, projectors, video recorders, camcorders, planning an instructional video, digital cameras, and Photoshop Elements so far. The second half of the semester I have PowerPoint, video editing with MovieMaker, publisher, closed captioning, and a few other things to look forward to.

How do I spend the rest of my time? Well Monday mornings I see my therapist at 9am then go to a psycho-education group until noon. On Tuesday I go to a processing group called Living Well from 2pm until 3:30pm. On Wednesday and Friday I go to the social/psycho-education groups from 9:30am-noon. All my free time is spent either sleeping, eating, or sitting at the computer chatting and studying and nodeing. I also go to Disneyland a few times a month. I have a Premium Annual Pass for the Disneyland Resort. I love going there, both with my family or with my friends. I'm going with my family again on Sunday. Last time I was there was last Sunday. The whole park is decorated for Halloween. It's pretty if you like orange and jack-o'-lanterns.
Update 10/13/06:
I got 100% on the performance exam and 94% on the midterm.

Graduating from clubhouse

I found out today that at the end of this month the clinic is having a clubhouse graduation and that I am one of several people who are graduating. Elaine and Pauline are graduating too. They are starting a new program on tuesdays and thursdays for those of us who are graduating. It'll be like the first hour of clubhouse, a time to socialize. It'll cut down the days I haveto be there from four days a week to two times a week. This is a good thing.

The other day Elaine gave me a set of towels. Christine gave me her old set of dishes she don't use anymore. Today Shirley, who I don't even really know very well asked me to take her home and go up to her apartment so she could give me a set of sheets. The sheets are pink. I truly appreciate the gifts my friends have given me. Pauline said she may come over a while on Wednesday. She'll be the first clinic friend to see my apartment. I'm both looking forward to her company and dreading it at the same time.

Call me...

Tonight's list

• childmemory
• floor
• kitchen
• livingroom
• blog
• blueteam
• dresser
• bed
• read
• budget

Jerry went to bed. I'm sticking to the list okay by myself and getting a few things done. I'm in #bus. I need to be in there right now because I feel like giving into David and SI'ing.

Push

Push is a "cast member" at Disneyland in California, and Disneyworld in Florida. He is a trash can which walks and talks. Push is a robot that is radio governed.

Push looks just like the other trashcans in the area but surprises guests by moving and talking. His name is derived from the huge word "PUSH" found on both flaps that one pushes. I have interacted with the trashcan and it looks just like all the other trashcans, including real trash in its plastic trash bag. The common steel liner and the trash bag inside the trash can hide the radio governed controls amazingly.

He made his first appearance in the Tomorrowland inside the Magic Kingdom theme park at Disney World in Orlando, Florida. Recently he has been found in the Tomorrowland of Disneyland, in Anaheim California. I have also recently seen him in Disney's California Adventure (DCA) (also in Anaheim).

From the information I found around the Web, Push was originally operated by two plain-clothed cast members. One of which controlled the movement of Push while the other did all the talking. The talking is done into a voice modulator. The trash can sounds like it has a nasally high-toned voice due to the voice modulator that fluctuates the operator's voice. Nowadays, however, one person usually controls both the movement and the voice. I have seen Push about four or five times but only once did I find the operator. It was the one time which I saw Push in DCA which I was able to find the operator among the crowd surrounding the robot. It was a guy with one hand in a duffle bag and the other hand held close to his mouth with some sort of small microphone in his hand. He appears to most people to just be another person watching the robot interact with the park guests. The operator is close enough to hear what is said to the trashcan, yet far enough from it to not make it obvious they are controlling him, usually around 10-20 feet away from it.

The wheels and tires are much like those found on the mobility scooters that can also be found in other amusement parks and grocery stores to help handicapped people or disabled people with their mobility. While the explicit method of Push's mobility system is not really knwon, it seems to be powered with the conveyance wheels and tires like those of those mobility scooters I spoke of earlier in the last sentence. The first time I met Push I saw him talking to a child who was about 8 or 9 years old, who had his face painted. The trash can asked the boy his name and then addressed the child by his name and asked the boy to give him a hug. Then he told the child how good his tiger painted face looked. He then thanked the boy for the hug and rolled away to another young guest. The second time I met him I was with a group of friends of mine (all adults). One of my friends was riding one of the mobility scooters and Push challenged her to a race. The robot moved back and forth a bit then started chanting "I won! I won!" and thanked her for the race. The next time I saw Push he was moving around in a group of kids who were taking turns peeking inside and throwing trash into it but he was not speaking. I watched him for a few minutes but he wasn't saying a word. The most recent time I saw him was the time at DCA when I noticed the operator. Push was moving around in the small area where about 20 or 30 park guests had gathered to watch and interact with Push. He was thanking people for placing trash inside him and belched.

Push is very entertaining to watch and interact with. I make it a point to look for him every time I visit the Disneyland Resort here in California.

---

Sources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Push_the_Talking_Trash_Can
http://www.hiddenmickeys.org/WDW/MagicKingdom/Secrets/TL/General.html
http://www.disneylies.com/disneyland/entertainment/streetperformers.shtml
Interaction with "Push" himself.

How to be the high school drama’s house manager

When I was in high school I was the House Manager for several productions. There are many things that the house manager is expected to have under control. The high school I went to (Charter Oak in Covina, California) had a fairly large and impressive drama department. The house manager is the person who is in charge of the audience and all things related to the audience.

I enjoyed being a house manager. I learned a lot. I learned how to be in charge. I learned and taught others how to sell tickets with a seating chart. I was taught how to substitute for real security personnel. I learned how to make a profit and how to keep track of the profit made minus the costs that come before profit. Being house manager taught me how to deal with difficult audience members. And last but not least, being house manager taught me how to make decisions that affected other people as much as myself.

Before the production is seen by an audience the house manager needs to get tickets made or ordered. The tickets must then be sold. At the same time the tickets are being sold the theater’s lobby is being decorated to match the theme of the show. Also done while the production is in the rehearsal stage is getting refreshments to sell at intermission. At the high school level the refreshments commonly come from the parents of drama students involved in the production. The house manager sits down with a list of phone numbers of parents and calls them one by one asking for their donation of food and/or beverages to be sold during the intermission of the show. What doesn’t get donated gets bought with drama department funds but when I was house manager I often ended up spending some of my own money to get last minute things.

As house manager I made name badges for each member of the crew which they wore around their neck. On the back of the tag I would write what their job was for the night. There were usually three jobs per person per night. They had a pre-show time assignment, an intermission assignment, and a post-show assignment. Pre-show assignments included selling tickets, collecting tickets, one of several ushering positions, program selling, handing out extra credit sheets, etc. The intermission jobs included watching the exits, selling programs, selling refreshments, etc. And after the show 1assignments included selling programs, cleaning up the theatre, cleaning up the lobby and the area we served refreshments, and making sure no audience members sneaked backstage. Our plays usually ran from Tuesday thru Sunday. Each night of the play each crew member was given three new jobs. The reason for this is so that everyone got a chance to watch the play at least once.

Settling in

I'm slowly getting unpacked and organized. I like living alone. It's a bit scary sometimes but I'm getting used to being alone. I'm depressed though. I keep worrying about money especially. My rent was much higher than I was expecting. I'm still learning how to budget money. I've been staying in bed a lot. I'm doing pretty good tonight though. I'm not hiding in bed, I'm following a list (with Dawggy's help) and actually getting something accomplished.

To Be A Butterfly (Author unknown)

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly, which he brought home. One day, a small opening appreared in the cocoon. He sat and watched the cocoon for several hours as the butterfly struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making progress. It appeared as if the butterfly had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further. The man decided to help the butterfly in its struggle. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon...and the butterfly emerged easily.

As the butterfly emerged, the man was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expecting that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body would contract and the butterfly would be able to fly.

But neither happened!

In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

It was never able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle were required for the butterfly to be able to fly. The butterfly must push its way through the tiny opening to force the fluid from its body and wings. Only by struggling through the opening can the butterfly's wings be ready for flight once it emerges from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.

If we were allowed to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been.

And we could never fly.