Sunday, March 30, 2008

curious savage

Me and Dillon went and saw Kylee in her las high school play, Curious Savage. I think Kylee's character's name was Mrs Paddy or something like that. It's a good show. It takes place in a mental institution. This was their first play at the new covina theatre. it used to be called the covina playhouse. i think its called the covina performing arts center now. i'm not sure. its nice. really small. always has been small. i was there once before. marcie worked on a show there once a few years ago before it had been redone. mom paid for it. it was $12 for me and $10 for Dillon. She gave us enough money to go out to eat afterward. I had mcdonald's and he had taco bell. I ate too much. I had a fish sandwhich and four chicken nuggets and shared my fries with dillon. i just couldnt decide which i wanted. i didnt throw up but I got really nausous.grandma gave me her gas card to fill up my tank since i had been running errands for them this week. i really appreciate it. money is really tight. i got a call from time warner saying my cable bill was over due. i never got the bill. again. this is the second or third month in a row i had to pay by phone because i didnt get the bill. i talked to the operator and told her i hadn't been getting the bill and asked her to make sure i would receive the next bill.

i threw up when i got up again today. i've been throwing up pretty much every day but i haven't had diahrea in a while. most days i dont have much of an appetite. i'm usually in so much pain that eating just dont sound good at all. and i'm nausious so often. i'm nausous right now.

everyone is fed up with me cuz all i do is bitch and complain and i really dont mean to but i am just so miserable i cant think of anything else. i really am thankful for the stuff people do and try to do for me. i'm thankful for things like this computer even tho it dont seem like it. i'm just so sick of crying. i'm so sick of hurting. i'm so sick of feeling like shit. like right now i cant stop crying cuz my back is hurting so bad. it hurts to sit up even propped up with pillows. it hurts to lay down. when i lay down my legs hurt worse even when i prop them up or lay on my side. and it hurts to stand or walk. i tried to just go to sleep but i cant get comfortable and its worse just laying there not doing anything. if i can keep busy its a little easy. i dont have to listen to the thoughts and the inside people and just think about the pain. i just cant take this anymore and i dont know how to actually get anyone to actually help me. i've tried telling the doctors what i say online and they just completely ignore me. my neurologist said that we have to get the headaches under control before he can work on anything else but what good does getting the headaches under control do if i still cant function at all? i just cant get anyone to listen to me. i need someone that will make someone listen to me.

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