Sunday, September 27, 2009

its been hectic

Been hectic lately. Sergio's dad passed away. I spent one day at the apartment sergio and brianna were living in helpiong them clean up and prepare for the guests who would be coming from as far as Nebraska and el salvador. I went to the viewing and then the funeral. John, Danielle, Emma, Goofio, Brianna and I all went to red robin afterwards. I've started taking the twins to school a few days a week while mom is at work. Housing Authority sent out an inspector on wednesday for my annual inspection. Thursday was a wal-mart trip. Friday was a long day at Disneyland resort. It was the first day of Halloween time. They have a really neat halloween fireworks show this year and changed space mountain to "space mountain ghost galaxy" which is neat. Uses projects of mummy like ghosts that follow you through the ride and a creepy soundtrack.

On monday I will be going to another funeral. Danielle's grandma passed away. She was a very nice woman. On wednesday the gas company is coming out to light the pilot in my heater so that I can get some kind of documentation from them to fax to housing authority saying the heater is in working order.

Today I spent most of the day asleep because the headache was so bad and my entire body hurt really bad. It'll take a few days to recover from Disneyland. I was already sore and achey before the trip.

well i'll try to write more soon. cant think well enough at the moment.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

who knows

On friday me and Dillon went to Disneyland with the main purpose/goal of seeing "Murphy" in Fantasmic! We ended up lost on the way there cuz I'm an idiot. We finally go t there tho and the park was not very busy and we were able to do quite a few attractions in both parks.

Fantasmic! was AWESOME. The dragon performed perfectly. The whole show went off really well with only a couple very very minor technical glitches that went mostly unoticed. Kylee, her girlfriend Shay, and that girls mom and brother all met us there and watched Fantasmic! with us.

On sunday Marcie and Eddie came over for a few hours bringing with them Burger King. It's always fun hanging out with them. Anyone who thinks I talk a lot has never spent much time with Eddie.

The sink is full of dishes because I'm too nausious to get them washed lately. I am so sick of feeling so shitty. Feel weak all over and nausious and tired and achey and on the verge of tears like all the damn time.

I just want to die. I don't want to face anymore pain or anymore frustration or anymore blech.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Sometimes I just sit here on the couch and don't even know why I'm crying. By sometimes I mean everyday. I wish no one loved me. I wish no one cared about me. Then I'd have no reason to have to keep going day after day. It could be over.

I am so sick of feeling like shit. I am no good for anyone or anything. I really hate it. I hate what I am. I hate when people who I knew years ago ask me what I've been up to. I hate when people ask what I do for a living. I hate when people ask what do you do with your time. I hate listening to people talk about how great things are. I'm jealous. I look at facebook and see all these people I went to school with. They all seem so happy. So successful. I haven't seen any of these people for 9 years. What have I accomplished in the last year? College? No. Work experience? No. Love? No. Sucess? No.

How do I answer the "what have you been up to?" question. I'm ashamed of the fact that I sit home all day playing stupid games on facebook or just staring at the tv while the governemt sends me money each month and then I have the gall to complain that I don't have enough money. Last week John and Danielle invited me to come to karaoke with them but I didn't have enough money to even buy myself a soda and not enough gas in my car to go anywhere. They changed their plans so that instead of going to the place they wanted to they went to a place near my house and picked me up on the way and then paid for my shirley temple. I don't understand why I'm worth bothering with? I know the answer though. They feel sorry for me. My friends are friends only out of pity. They will deny this but inside I know it's true.

I never ever shut up. I ramble on and on anytime and any place there is. Chatrooms, phone calls to my mom and grandma, in email replies, etc. Yet I never really say anything. I ramble on and on about Disneyland or Darren Hayes. Randomly typing lyrics into #bus etc even though I know I'm just annoying people and they mostly just ignore me anyways. I'm sorry. This is just how I manage to pass the time. I just can't seem to actually do anything useful or productive at all. I fear that this will never end because I was a terrible person and now this is hell. Then I fear that this is NOT hell and how much worse it will be when I really do get there.

I know my mom and my grandma love me very much and will do just about anything for me, and do. And honestly I wish they wouldn't. I do not deserve it. I wish I could do many things for my family. But I have nothing to give even though they deserve it. My mom has made so many sacrifices my entire life and no one knows how much my heart hurts when I think about what she don't have.