Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Kylee's taking over my room

I'm feeling really aggravated right now. Every time I stop using the computer for a few seconds, such as to look at my tv, (which, by the way, Kylee has now taken over) Kylee says things like "Can I use the computer since you're not using it?" I am using it damnit. This is MY room and MY computer. I paid for the computer and I pay rent every month to keep this room. I know Kylee doesn't have a room of her own but that's mom's fault, not mine. I just want to be left alone. I don't like her sitting behind me. I don't like being pressured to either use or get off my computer. It's MINE! not Kylee's or anyone elses. I can't ask her or tell her to go away. She'll get mad and go pout or cry, then grandma will be mad at me.

I want everyone in this house to just leave me alone and I want Harmony to get her butt off the couch and come talk to me. She went to take a nap like right before I got home from picking Kylee and Dillon up from school.

I'm hungry and I'm cranky. I'm fat and I have no energy. I want to be left alone and Kylee is taking over my personal space.

I just told Kylee "Why don't you go in grandma's room, there's nobody in there" and she slammed my remote control down on my printer and stormed out of the room. Now I feel guilty but I'm not going to go apologize to her. That'd just make things worse. I'm sorry I'm such a selfish bitch.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals

I haven't been getting much done lately. I was going to take Kylee and Dillon with me to turn in the cans and bottles. Kylee decided to go to the movies with her friends. Every time there's a bit of time to get something done she runs off with her friends. Can't say I blame her, but it's frustrating for me. I want to get these cans and bottles turned in before mom and grandma throw them out.

I feel a bit down and lonely today. Harmony and Dawggy haven't really been online today, and they usually get on by now.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


Today grandma called a plumber because when Kylee and Dillon took a shower the kitchen flooded. I need to take a shower but who knows if this guy is going to be done today.

Under my desk is wet. At first I thought a dog had peed but there's too much water there for that so it must be the shower causing it.

Monday, January 16, 2006

A quiet, cold day

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The school and the clinic were closed for Martin Luther King Jr's today so we were all home. Everybody just kinda did their own thing. I spent most of the day in bed but not sleeping. I was very cold and down today.

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I can't get the sound or internet working on Kylee and Dillon's new computer. The internet problem will be fixed but mom had to order cable internet (I have DSL) to get it to work. They're coming out Thursday, I think, to hook it up.

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Sunday, January 15, 2006

Dillon's birthday

Today was Dillon's 15th birthday. We went to Sizzler for dinner. Mom ordered him an ice cream cake from Baskin Robins yesterday and we picked it up on our way home. It's white cake and strawberry ice cream.

I cut myself again. I feel so useless. I can't even get Kylee and Dillon's brand new computer online. It may be the wireless adapter that's the problem, but it appeared to work fine on my computer but it may have been the internal wireless thingy that connected me and not the adapter.

I'm cold and not in a very good mood. I have things to do on the computer and my room is a mess but I'll probably spend most of the night staring at the tv from under my blanket on the bed.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Kylee's recital and other things

I'm sitting here listening to Darren Hayes' album, The Tension and The Spark. We (mom, Dillon, the twins, and myself) to Best Buy today and bought a computer for Dillon and Kylee. It came up to $1054 I think. That means I don't have to let them use mine all the time, so this is a good thing.

Last night we went to Kylee's musical theatre recital. Kylee did really good on her song, "Everything's coming up roses" even tho she hates that song. John and Danielle came to see it with us. Dillon went to a friend's house instead. After the show John, Danielle, myself, and Kylee went to Denny's. We laughed a lot. I'm down to almost nothing on my spending money for the month.

I cut today. Just 50 scratches really, on my upper legs. Stings a little. I want to cut deeper, I want a sharper blade. I need to cut more.

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Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Just another night

I didn't do much of anything today. I picked Kylee and Dillon up from school, layed on the bed a lot, used some of my votes, and caught up on LifeSIGNS email. I ate spaghetti for dinner and some fruit cocktail and a piece of chocolate for dessert. I haven't taken a shower yet, but someone else did, I think Kylee, and hasn't come out yet.

Tommorrow I have to be at the clinic at 9:30am for clubhouse and then stay there til 2:30. Between 12 and 1 I just sit and wait for the Living Well group to start. I hope I'm not as tired and achey as I am today. I get so stiff when I stay in one position for too long (which isn't very long). It's harder to do things like pick up one of the twins, or pick something up from the floor. It's not as bad as yesterday though.

Monday, January 9, 2006

i'm acheing and exhausted

Yesterday Danielle and John and I went hiking. It was supposed to be a fairly simple 6 mile hike, 3 miles to the waterfall, 3 miles back. Danielle had gone hiking there a few years ago, while she was in high school still. At that time there was a road up the mountain to the trails. Well a couple years ago they closed that road to the public and never reopened it. That road is a steep uphill 3 mile climb. That was exhausting but we kept on going. We found a trail that led to the waterfall. It was a 4 mile hike there and 4 miles back. Then there's the 3 miles down the mountain. 14 miles total. We had to cross creaks several times. I, of course, have problems with balance so I slipped off of the rocks and soaked my shoes, socks, and lower legs. If JOhn wasn't so great about helping me I'd have fallen on my butt several times or gone face first down steep hills. John always goes much slower than he can go to help me try to keep up. Danielle stops as well and lets me catch up. John is a gentleman out on the trails, always holding my hand and guiding me through the difficult parts of a hike. I did fall to my knee at one point crossing the creak but I would have fallen several times without his help. On the way back up from the waterfall both patiently waited for me while I stopped many times out of pure exhaustion. My back and legs hurt so bad I just couldnt' walk anymore but stopping every few minutes with their constant support helped me get up that long hill. Once we were heading down the long road toward the car I was ok.

We walked and walked until we got to a pretty, natural waterfall. Once there we sat down on some rocks near the waterfall and ate the subway sandwhiches they had bought that morning (I gave Danielle the money for mine at dinner). We put them in my backpack and John and Danielle took turns carrying the backpack with the sandwhiches and several bottles of water. I offered to carry it some of the way but they knew my back hurt and didn't let me. I am thankful for that.

After the hike we went to Daneille's house for a little while before going to Burger King for dinner. I ordered a soda and some onion rings and ate the other half of my subway (cheese only) sandwhich. After that the three of us went to Starbucks because John's mom had given us each a $10 gift certificate for there for Chrismas. I got a medium (grande?) hot caramel apple cider.

When I got home I went to bed before being home very long. Probably 630 or 7pmish. I woke up at midnight, ate something, and took a shower. I then stayed up and took care of some things on the computer and watched some tv and went back to sleep around 3:30am.

Today I had to go to the mental health clinic, as I do every monday, wednesday, and friday. I was late getting there becuase I got ready this morning and layed down for "just a minute" and fell back asleep. So I left the house about 10 minutes later than I shoudld have. If my mom hadn't of woke me back up I wouldn't have gone at all. I saw Kelly, my therapist. She's the best therapist I've ever had. She always dresses uniquely. Today she had extensions in her hair. She encouraged me to blog more so that's why I'm writing this entry today. She could tell I was exhausted and in pain. I should be smart and not go hiking because I know the next day I feel like a big piece of elephant poop. I hurt all over. It even hurts to breathe. my legs and the bottom part of my butt hurt the worst, my upper and lower legs hurt too and of course my back hurts. It takes a lot of effort to sit or stand up. I tried to take a nap when I got home but didnt get to sleep long. I spent most of the afternoon and early evening in bed trying to sleep. Just about every time I'd just get comfortable and sleepy someone would come in my room. I hate days like that, which is most days.

Well I've been sitting in one spot as long as I can so I'm going to go lay down for a bit after I get something to drink. I'll have to get back up in a while to finish my votes on e2 and try to play catch-up with LifeSIGNS.

Friday, January 6, 2006

Am I tired or lazy or what?

I haven't felt like doing anything lately. It's a challenge just to get on the computer. I do very little of anything anymore. I lay in bed as much as I can. I flip channels on the tv (we've got cable now so there's more channels to flip through) or try to sleep. There are things on the computer I feel obligated to do (use my votes on e2, keep up with the LifeSIGNS board and email since I'm a Director, check my emails, write for e2, etc). I've only been doing some of those things.

I hate myself. I want to cut. I haven't been cutting lately but the urges are just building up worse and worse. I don't want to live anymore because I have no purpose or usefulness.


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