Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I miss "a"

Where have I been? What have I been doing? Who am I doing? Why am I doing? How am I doing? where really, just didn’t feel like blogging. I’ve been going to the clinic, making doctor appointments, chatting, and entering sweepstakes. I ain’t doing anyone (maybe I wouldn’t’ be so depressed if I were?) I have no idea why. I’m not doing too great, honestly.

This morning (it’s 5am atm) I haven’t even tried to lay back down yet because when I tried to lay down a couple hours ago I thought I was going to throw up or pass out right then and there. The room spun. So now I’m on the couch propped up by the cushions and a few pillows. I couldn’t sit completely up anymore because my back is killing me but I’m afraid to even try to lay down. Everything I’ve eaten for the last day or two has tasted wrong, mostly nasty. I can’t help but think someone in on the plan is poisoning my food. I don’t know what the plan is but they must have a plan. My stomach hurts.

The inside people have been particularly loud lately. I’ve also been hearing other things like an alarm clock or the rain and such. I have seen the bad man in my room. I try to avoid going in there now that I’m able to have my computer in the livingroom. I’ve even been sleeping in here on the couch instead of in my bed. He’ll get us there. I keep feeling the invisible bugs and nothing tastes right. I’ve been crying a lot and VERY anxious lately. My leg is always bouncing fast and I get so scared so easily of little things. I’ve been told it’s just paranoia or delusions about the photographers and the meetings with the plan. I don’t know. I want to cut now, I want to cut all the time.

I’ve been hurting worse than usual lately. Worse headaches more often/longer lasting. My back has been bothering me more too. My hands and feet hurt from the Raynauds. I don’t know why my shoulders, arms, and legs hurt. My stomach and chest hurt sometimes too. My chest especially hurts when I’m very scared.

I am really sick of being broke all the time. I cant go anywhere or buy anything. I try to eat ramen and soup often because it’s cheaper and I don’t have to buy groceries so often. I need to get my teeth fixed but I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it because medical won’t cover a bridge and even with payment plan I don’t know how’d I do it. Some months I over draw my account as it is just by doing something like buying a birthday gift or spending too much on groceries. I hate it. And I know I’ll be poor for the rest of my life. I’ve never been rich. My mom always struggled for money but she’s always made sure we have everything we need and most of what we want. I’m just a spoiled little brat that’s just not being catered to anymore. I need to get a job but there’s just no way I could work a day job. My body’s just wired wrong. I don’t know any night jobs I can do. I can’t really do a lot because my back has gotten so bad and I’m just not responsible or good at anything. I’m a clumsy idiot. I just never get anything right. I’m always screwing up. The other night I broke the “A” key on my keyboard so now I have to type really slow because when I type normal I almost aalways miss hitting the hole just right. I have to hit it in the center now. The missing key throws my whole hands off.

Two of my best friends are sick and I can’t do anyting about it but I make it worse by complaining about all my stupid problems. No one needs to know I’m crying or scared or depressed or hurting. I need to learn to just shut up and listen.

It's after 6am and I have 2 appointments tomorrow/todaay (wednesday). Neuro at 3 and pdoc right after that. So now I'll shut up and stop complaining and cry my dumbass to sleep. I'm sorry...



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