Thursday, February 28, 2008

The pain-body is getting what it wants

I'm going to bitch and complain now:

My car broke down. My mom is being really great and helping me alot. She got my car towed. She paid for that. She got it to the mechanic who is going to look at it today. Last time my car was there they told me to get a different car as soon as possible because there was/is something seriously wrong with my engine and it would cost so much to fix I'd be much better off if I traded it in. My mom and me agreed and wanted to trade it in while we could but grandma has the last word on everything and wouldn't let us. Now I'm screwed. I have absolutely NO money right now. Once my car payment goes through I'll have about $10 in my checking. I'll get paid on the first. Thats just a couple days from now. I need groceries. I have soup and ramen and chicken nuggeets. nothing else. After I get food, and pay all my bills I have just enough to pay for gas. I guess now I don't have to worry about that at least for a while. but i NEED a car. i need to get to school. i need to get to the clinic. i need to get to the store. i need to get to dr appts. i can't depend on my mom to drop everything everytime i have somewehre to go. she's got too much to do already. I dont know how I'm gonna manage to get another car. they'll be a down payment. the payments will probably be higher. i can barely afford the $140 i've been paying.

I'm always in pain. I just cant stand it anymore. I am so thankful for the days when grandma gives me a lortab or two. Thats the only time I get any relief at all from the physical pain. all my neuro gave me was 1/2 an ativan twice a day. It dont' do shit for the pain. I have been taking one when i get really anxious and it helps the anxiety some. i know no doctor will give me lortab or any other narcotic. they think i'll become addicted and/or abuse it. I wont. I only take it when the pain gets to intollerable levels when even hiding doesnt help. I need relief. I can't take it anymore. The only thing that's ever really helped is the hydrocodone drugs. This means mostlikely I'll spend the rest of my life in more and more pain until it either kills me or I kill myself because it's the only way that the pain will ever stop.

I never get to do anythingor go anywhere or buy anything. Everything costs money and most months I'm lucky to have enough for gas. my friends dont even bother to talk to me anymore becuase they know i cant do anything and they cant afford to pay for me and i dont expect them to. they're too busy with their own lives anyway and i'm a total downer. they ask how have you been and i actually start telling them. i can't help it. i've got a big mouth and dont know how to keep enough to myself. the only ones that keep in contact with me is people i talk to online, including marcie. and my mom. i love talking to my friends online and the couple that i talk to on the phone too. it really makes my day when i get to talk to harmony and dawggy on the phone. i dont know how i ever made it through life before them. i've only known them for 4 years, never even met them in person, prolly never will, but it feels like they've always been there and been helping me and making things ok. my mom makes things ok sometimes and grandma sometimes to. and marcie but we dont get to talk much.

My pdoc makes me feel like he thinks I'm lying to him. I tell him what i feel like and he says you say you feeel depressed and anxious and such but ACTUALLY you are doing very good because you do not appear groggy. WTF does that have to do wiht the fears and the depression and the noise and the smells and the bad man etc? I was just starting to be able to talk to my therapist and now she's found another job someplace else. the same thing happened with my last therapist. and my case manager that was great. I actually like dr bellman a lot and it sucks that she's leaving. Now they'll stick me with yet another therapist that i'll have to get used to and by the time I do they'll leave too. no one sticks around there. and the few who dont go away arent helpfull. like dr policar and dr jay. ricardo tries to be helpful at least but i'm sure it wont be long before he starts looking for another job too. all the decent ones leave.

i never accomplish anything. my whole apartment is a big mess. theres dishes in the sink stuff piled up on the counter. stuff on the floor. my trash can smells even without trash in it. i have no idea how to clean it. i dont know how to do just about anything. i'm always breaking stuff like my keyboard and my car and ice tray and lots of other thinggs. i cant get myself to exercise. i cant go walking alone even with my headphones on. grandma would get so mad if i did anyways. i cant stand it when people are mad at me. i always worry i'm going to make someone mad because it happens so often. i'm lazy. i sleep all day and sit on my ass all night in front of the tv and the computer. and i cry every day and night. i try really hard and usually succeed in not letting anyone see it. at night when i try to accomplish stuff is when it hits me the worst, when I realize how little i actually do and how it'll never change. i hope to finish this stupid intro class this semester so I can get the stupid library tech certificate. i dont know what to do then. i cant work in a library. i would have to work during the day. i would have to be somewhere everyday. i would have to function every day. i don't function every day. the headches. the backpain. the inside people. the bad man. the noise. the tears. the responsibilities. the contact with other people. my teeth. my tendency to be too honest. the fear. the worry. the dizziness. the clumsyness. the confusion.
its not that i dont want to work. i feel guilty every month when i get money other people earned then had to give to the government to give to people like me but mostly unlike me. a lot of the people that get the ss money are physically unable to work. i can walk i can talk. i can do somemstuff even tho i cant do it very well. if you look at me you would say she's fat and ugly but able bodied and must be a lazyass taking advantage of the hard working tax payers. they'd be right. i should be working. i shouldnt need thhe government and other people pay for me to live. the government pays the bills and the food and the gas. my mom and grandma pay for school stuff, my car problems, and when i spend money on stuff i shouldnt have bought like christmaas presents and dont have enough left to pay the bills. i shouldnt be taking this money. i should just die so it'd save these people the money and trouble . I'd do the job for them but I can't hurt my mom and my best friends as bad as that would hurt them. they love me very much. I've never underestood what there is to love about me but they've found something. I've been crying for at least 3 hours now. i guess i'll laaay down and cry until i fall asleep.

I'm sorry. I've been working so hard to be positive. I really really have but i just can't find much to stay positive about. i just had to get the pain and fears and unhappiness into words. I will shut up and pretend everything is good. thats what lifes really about isnt it?


Gina said...

Sweetie, you need to cut yourself a lot more slack. You need to be a lot kinder to yourself. You're OK, you're just going through a really bad time. I've been there, and I really do understand. I remember it well. It seemed like a never-ending hell and I felt entirely certain that things would never get better. I have a child, and had I not, I would have absolutely killed myself. My body is covered with huge scars from cutting myself. I was addled with psych meds. I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't stop crying.
But things DID get better. And they get better and better still. The beast is still there, but it's under control. You will get your own monsters under control, too. I know you will.
Things will get better. They will. I promise.


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