Sunday, February 17, 2008

just a vent

I get bad headaches all the time. I see a neurologist for it. (He's not really all that helpful). I also see him for my back (slipped disc). Both have been really bad lately. I also have Raynaud's and that's been acting up a lot due to weather. Last couple days EVERYTHING hurts all the time. Even after taking Lortab. I've got a bit of a cough. I think I've been running a fever but I don't have a thermometer. I am freezing one moment, burning up the next. No happy medium. Mostly freezing. My chest hurts. I jsut feel icky.

The semester strts this thursdy for me. I had to borrow money for my text books which was about $100 for just 2 classes. One of the books was used. Book prices are just ridiculous. I have $50 coming from blingo but who knows when I get that. I'll have to pay back the textbook money with it and then pay the rest later. THeres a couple things I need for school like some new pens and pencils and something to put my pens and stuff in cuz the spacesaver box I used last semester got smashed. So have evvery other pencil holder of some kind. I had to buy ink. Both b&w and color. Fortunatly I spent less on groceries than usual cuz the store was so picked over. (Lots of ramen this month). I just hope I don't over draw my account again. It's happened a few times during the past year since I've had my own apartment.

My psychiatrist is an ass and a moron. I've asked for another one but no one else at the clinic will take my case after my old one gave up on me. (I don't respond well to medications). He took me off the anxiety med. I'm really depressed. Really anxious. Having other "symptoms" too.

I have 2 teeth missing in the front and a third thats only half there. Medi-cal won't cover fixing it (they say it's cosmetic). I'm really self concious when I go out. But going outt is really rare. I go to doctor appointsments and to my moms. And about once a month I go grocery shopping. The only people I ever talk to besides my mom I talk to online. Once in a while I'll talk to Dawggy and his wife on the phone. I'll start going to school next week but I'm painfully shy and self consiouc about my teeth and such so I don't really initiate conversation or speak up in class. Just about everyone in the classes have taken the other library science classes with me but they all have their friends and do the assignments with each other but I don't have anybody. I've just got this semester and I'll get a library technician certificate but not the degree. I want the degree but I still have several general ed classes to take. I can't really work right now. I live on disability right now but hope to get a job in the future once my physical problems and mental problems are under control. (If that ever happens).

I just feel so lost and hopeless. I enter sweeps, I chat with a few people, I read these forums, I read, I watch tv, and I eat, and I sleep. Thats bout it. It's hard to get exercise because it just hurts so much to move. I'm laying on the couch right now. I often sit on the couch with lots of pillows. Until recently I was stuck at a desk because wireless was not working.



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