Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Today was a bad day

The day started out okay. Dawggy called around 11am and woke me up because I had asked him to. I got up without too much trouble. I ate a blueberry bagel with a little bit of cream cheese around 11:30am or noon or so. I entered some sweeps. I talked to Dawggy and another friend online but I don't remeber who it was. I think it was someone in #depressionchat but I'm not even sure of that. At about one I went and brushed my teeth and such and then came back in my room and got dressed. My back and head were hurting but it wasn't that bad. As the day went on both got worse. I made it to group in time. We talked about the feelings behind anger. I participated more than usual. But I had brought one of thoses one liter bottles of the carbonated flavored waters from costco. During group I tried to open it. It had not been dropped or shaken but the stupid thing exploded anyways, interupting group and getting my pants wet. I was/am so mad at myself. I should have opened the bottle slower. I'm such an idiot.

After group I had to see my psychiatrist, who scares me and makes me feel very small in a sense but really fat in another. I always dread seeing him and I can't wait to get out of his office when I'm there. I find that doctor rude and mean. I don't understand why people say he's such a good doctor. I feel stupid, fat, crazy, and like I'm wasting his precious time. He always makes me feel this way. My stomach was growling in his office really loud so I told him I was hungry. He told me it was making noise because I eat too much and that for someone my size I did not need to eat anything else. I told him all I had eaten today was a bagel that morning. I saw him at like 4:30pm. He told me that bagels are filling and I should not be hungry. I hate seeing him. I usually cry all the way home. I want to cut so bad tonight. I've been trying very hard to keep busy and not cut but Idon't know how much longer I can deal.

After seeing Dr. Jay I saw the med nurse and got a weeks worth of medicine. I asked him to change the welbutrin because he had me taking two pills in the morning with the invega and then another pill in the afternoon and then I also have night meds. I can't remeber to take a pill in the middle of the day. He said I could take it at night. He increased the invega from 6mg to 9mg. I've been on 9 before. Antipsychotics are pretty much useless for me. It don't kill them. I don't think any pill can. The way the bubble packs are this week due to the med change I felt confused when I took my night meds tonight. I think I took them right tho.

On the way home I had a panic attack in the car. I wanted out of the car so bad. I needed to get away from all those other cars. I was shaking and crying when I got home and it took me a long time to get over it. I wish the doctor would give me something for anxiety I can take when it gets bad. He took me off the buspar. I wish he'd give me ativan or something. I'm afraid to ask him though. It was hard enough asking for the afternoon pill changed to a different time. I am really shy I think. I can't talk to authority figures at all. Anyone that can put me in the hospital if I say the wrong thing makes me worried. I don't want to go to the hospital, it just makes everything worse. It's never helped me.

I am crying a lot lately. Most days it's several times. I don't even usually know why I'm crying. Any little thing can make me cry. I'm crying now. My nose is snotty from crying so much. My eyes hurt. My back is hurting really bad right now. I moved wrong again and it felt like someone took a big butcher in my back and twisted it. All I have is tylenol and it don't do shit. My heads been hurting all day too. And the noise of the clinic was getting to me bad. I had my ipod and was able to drown out most of the overlapping clutters of noise all around me. I know I must have looked crazy because I kept feeling someone looking at me and being right behind me so I kept turning around to look. I felt so scared. I know it must have been those people who sneak around taking pictures. I've only told one or two people about them and they just tell me there is no one there but I know there is. I see the flashes from the cameras sometimes.

I was reading the book Stand like mountain, flow like water earlier and I felt really confused because there was a story in the book that I knew I had read already so I thought I was on the wrong page but none of the rest of the part I was reading looked familiar. I found the story online and that helped knowing where I'd read it, Tara had forwarded it to me.

I'll shut up now and try to stop crying and try to keep myself busy and not cut but I think I have to cut tonight. I'm sorry.



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