Monday, March 31, 2008

I don't need you to help me me like shit!

It seems like everyone I talk to anymore can't wait to tell me I'm not doing good enough. I KNOW THIS ALREADY! Ok?

I DO try! I HAVE tried! I DO listen to you but I'm not good enough. I'm not as strong as you. I'm not as convincing as you. I'm not as good as you. I just can't do it.

I know you try to help me. I DO appreciate it. The help I need is someone to make the pain stop. You just can't do that through a keyboard. I'm sorry. I need pain meds or something.

I know I complain too much. I know its feeding the ego and all that shit. I just can't seem to stop myself though. I know everyones tired of hearing it but so am I. I know that means I should stop complaining but its not that easy. I try all the time not to complain and yet I still complain constantly.

If you think I like being miserable your wrong.

Everyone blames this on me going off psych meds but I was just as miserable while I was on the stupid pills. Yes I'm depressed. I'm broke all the time and I am feeling like shit physically all the time. I can't get doctors to help me. It don't seem like it matters what I do or don't do someone is always upset with me. So how can I NOT be depressed?

I feel shitty. I don't need anyone telling me I'm not trying not hard enough. I don't need anyone telling me I'm being negative. I don't need anyone telling me I'm lying. I don't need someone telling me everything I say is bullshit. ok?

Sunday, March 30, 2008

curious savage

Me and Dillon went and saw Kylee in her las high school play, Curious Savage. I think Kylee's character's name was Mrs Paddy or something like that. It's a good show. It takes place in a mental institution. This was their first play at the new covina theatre. it used to be called the covina playhouse. i think its called the covina performing arts center now. i'm not sure. its nice. really small. always has been small. i was there once before. marcie worked on a show there once a few years ago before it had been redone. mom paid for it. it was $12 for me and $10 for Dillon. She gave us enough money to go out to eat afterward. I had mcdonald's and he had taco bell. I ate too much. I had a fish sandwhich and four chicken nuggets and shared my fries with dillon. i just couldnt decide which i wanted. i didnt throw up but I got really nausous.grandma gave me her gas card to fill up my tank since i had been running errands for them this week. i really appreciate it. money is really tight. i got a call from time warner saying my cable bill was over due. i never got the bill. again. this is the second or third month in a row i had to pay by phone because i didnt get the bill. i talked to the operator and told her i hadn't been getting the bill and asked her to make sure i would receive the next bill.

i threw up when i got up again today. i've been throwing up pretty much every day but i haven't had diahrea in a while. most days i dont have much of an appetite. i'm usually in so much pain that eating just dont sound good at all. and i'm nausious so often. i'm nausous right now.

everyone is fed up with me cuz all i do is bitch and complain and i really dont mean to but i am just so miserable i cant think of anything else. i really am thankful for the stuff people do and try to do for me. i'm thankful for things like this computer even tho it dont seem like it. i'm just so sick of crying. i'm so sick of hurting. i'm so sick of feeling like shit. like right now i cant stop crying cuz my back is hurting so bad. it hurts to sit up even propped up with pillows. it hurts to lay down. when i lay down my legs hurt worse even when i prop them up or lay on my side. and it hurts to stand or walk. i tried to just go to sleep but i cant get comfortable and its worse just laying there not doing anything. if i can keep busy its a little easy. i dont have to listen to the thoughts and the inside people and just think about the pain. i just cant take this anymore and i dont know how to actually get anyone to actually help me. i've tried telling the doctors what i say online and they just completely ignore me. my neurologist said that we have to get the headaches under control before he can work on anything else but what good does getting the headaches under control do if i still cant function at all? i just cant get anyone to listen to me. i need someone that will make someone listen to me.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Goodbye Dr. Bellman, hello teeth

I saw Dr. Bellman for the last time. She was a good therapist I think. I hope she has a good life. She's very nice.

So I'm not longer in therapy. No longer on antidepressants or mood stabilizers. No longer on antipsychotics. Sounds like that means I'm doing good but it doesn't. I'm depressed. Anxious as hell (despite the highest dose of buspar the dr can give me) and the inside people are kind of loud tonight. Most of the depression is because i'm so tired of hurting. I'm always in pain. I have lortab in me right now which eased the pain enough to allow me to fix and then actually eat a can of soup but I'm still hurting. It's mainly my back but everything hurts. I don't feel good at all. I havne't felt "good" in a long long time. I hurt all over. My stomach hurts. My dinner isn't sitting well. I'm shaking. I just feel icky.

I spent over four hours at the dentist today but at least now I have front teeth. It's a temporary bridge. He told me to be very careful with it and he also told me I don't take good care of my teeth and that I need to be still. I can't help it but my leg is always shaking. Its the anxiety. I try so hard to control it but i can't keep still. Everyone is always scolding me for it. It's embarrrassing and frustrating. I hate it. I dont know how to make it stop.

I need everything to stop

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


I missed Livingwell group yet again because I had a migraine so bad I could not see well enough to drive. Most of the day I have had to only look at the computer, tv, or book for short periods of time cuz my head hurts so bad.

Dr. Martin called and told me today was her last group so I will never see her again. There is a new therapist taking over the livingwell group that I have no met yet. I feel really bad about missing group again.

I feel like shit in general. The inhalor the pulmonologist gave me doesn't really doesn't do any good. I started topamax for migranes yesterday but it'll take at least a month to know if it'll even help. my stomach has been out of whack again. i'm depressed. i think thats mainly from being tired of feeling like shit. the inside people are pretty loud but no more than usual. i havent cut ina long time but its really really hard.

today i have to take the kids to school, mail dawggy my computer, and go to the dentist.

well i gotta do a couple things then try to catch a bit of sleep.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I'm finally back!

My motherboard quit on my laptop a couple weeks ago. I had to get a new computer. A REALLY good friend helped me get a really good computer from a friend of his. It’s used but in great shape. The friend got a new one through his work. It’s an IBM ThinkPad. It’s smaller than my Dell Inspiron 6000 and that will take some getting used to but this is actually a better computer than the one I had so I’m not complaining.

I’ve been going nuts the last couple weeks. I cleaned out my closet and read a lot. My room is more of a disaster than ever now though, since my closet floor is now clean. I’m behind on school work but I am doing a list with Dawggy and school is right at the very top of the list. I’ve been calling Dawggy and Harmony, and my mom and grandma SEVERAL times every day since I didn’t have a computer. Everyone is glad I have a computer again. Dawggy set most of the stuff up on the computer for me so there’s just a few tweaks that need to be done as I go. Things like getting roboform things set up and settings on programs. Nothing big.

It’s so nice to be back. I was VERY lonely.

Thursday, March 6, 2008


I've felt like shit for like a couple weeks now. I'm weak and shakey and hurt all over. So much phlegm. It's hard to swallow. Nothing tastes good. Not hungry. Wake up every hour or two hurting or having trouble breathing.

My mom came over the beginning of the week or the weekend or last week I don't remember. She brought hannah and spent quite a bit of time cleaning. My car broke down last tuesday so it was in the shop for a little over a week. Mom paid the $600 for the timing chain or whatever it was called.

Mom and all the kids came over today to pick me up to take me to get my car. Mom was furious cuz my livingroom is scattered and I have a few dishes in the sink and I never got rid of the rug she ruined by putting in the wash machine. it shreaded all over the place. it didnt help that both her and grandma were already md at me. I slept through the first phone call today from my mom. They got a thing from the dmv today saying it was a delinguency notice that I never sent in the registration for my car. Grandma swears I went and had my car smogged when she gave me the bill and i said i'd send it in. that never happened. that was a year ago when my car was smogged. it only gets smogged every other year. i don't remember getting the bill for the tags at all this year. Now I've got $110 bill for the tags that I have no idea how i'm going to pay. after i pay all my bills, and buy groceries i have barely enough for gas throughout the month...sometimes I don't even have that. I guess I can skip tv dinners and snacks for the month and live on ramen, soup, and occassionally mac and cheese? maybe the clinic can help me with groceries. i hope so cuz other wise i'm scrwed.

i have school tomorrow night (thursday) and a doctors appt the following morning. It's going to be really hard to get there by 10am. i hope i don't get sleepy driving.

I think Dawggy is mad at me but I'm not sure exactly what I did. He hasn't talked to me in several days. it feels like everyone is upset with me and i just don't know how to fix it.

i don't feel good. i need to get my kitchen and livingroom straightened up but I get so weak and dizzy when I try to clean. i know its just an excuse. i've always got an excuse and i need to stop complaining and get off my lazy ass and do all the stuff thats expected of me no matter how much i hurt.


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