Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Long day yesterday

I dropped my PS2 on my toe like an hour ago and my toe still hurts pretty bad. I've been working on a list but as usual not really getting a whole lot accomplished. I never really do. Never really have. Never good enough. I wish I could go to bed but I have an eye doctor appointment today and then have to go over to mom's house since I'll be near them. Went to wal-mart yesterday with a $50 gift card I got from MyPoints and bought grandma some slippers that I have been trying to find since I returned the ones I got her she couldn't wear for Christmas. I also picked up dog food for them and shampoo for the twins. I got myself some dandruff shampoo, some hundred calorie coffee cakes, an adapter to get my Wii and DVD/VCR hooked up again now that I have Direct TV and the guy who installed it said they c an't be hooked up til i get one. blah. I also got some flavored water and some Carmex.

I had spaghetti over at grandma's house with them and helped the twins with their homework. Also took in the time warner boxes so I could get my account closed with them. It was a LONG day. Kylee drove all over in my car. Including two trips to Best Buy cuz she had to take her computer in to be fixed and didn't bring the power cord. Today will probably be almost as long. Blah.

Now playing: Phantom Planet - can't take it
via FoxyTunes

Monday, February 23, 2009

waste of space

I've been in a bad mood all night. Everything is getting on my nerves and i just want to die. i'm a waste of space and resources and the world would be better off if i didn't exist. i just want to cut and cut til i die. i can't tho. i can't do anything

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

got direct tv and a phone line

It's after eight thirty in the morning on tuesday and I'm still working on the list trying to get as much done as possible before verizon and direct tv people show up.

Its 10:30am and I have a load of laundry in the washer. My bed is covered in stuff but piled nicely. I've realized I won't get any sleep until the verizon and direct tv people come and go. I think I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow but will have to look it up in my notebook. I dont remember for sure what doctor or what time.

My doctor appointment is at 3:45 and it's with the gastroenterologist. So I'll take mom her whoppers afterwards.

Two guys showed up right at noon and installed a phone jack. They were not here very long. Maybe 20 minutes. When they left I called grandma on the house phone and talked to her for a few minutes. I was about to walk over and get my mail when the house phone rang and it was the direct tv guy. It's about ten til one now and he has looked at where the cable wires are and drilled a while behind the bookshelf in the livingroom near the hole for the cable wire and is outside now hammering on something.

The direct tv and phone work fine. Still have to learn how to use all the features on the DVR and my cordless phone as well.

Now playing: Switchfoot - Love Is The Movement
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

preparing for verizon

Saturday night was shit like every other night. Cut my leg because I'm too stupid to even get gmail to work. I screw everything up. Wish I could just cease to exist.

Slept all day Sunday. It's now sunday night and working on list. Tomorrow I need to go buy a phone. I need to finish cleaning tonight and tomorrow.

Sunday night I took a shower and worked on list.

Slept most of the day monday and then went to walmart to buy a cordless phone. Also bought some 100 calorie brownies and cinamon streussal coffee cakes. Also bought a thing of whoppers to give my mom.

It's now tuesday morning and I am working on a list as usual. Nothing really exciting happening. Getting a little done but very slowly. Need to get the area around the bedroom tv cleared as a priority.

Now playing: Savage Garden - The Animal Song remix
via FoxyTunes

Friday, February 13, 2009


It's 4:21am on friday morning. I'm working on a list. Mom has my car so she can get my 4 siblings here and there all day yesterday and today while her car is in the shop. The day before I drove everyone around and half of yesterday I did. Now I don't have to get up early to take the kids to school and pick them up etc and mom will just call me when it's time to go get her car and she'll have to come here first and then the two of us will take my car over to Toyopros to pick up her van.

The current list is:
1. Walt Disney
2. Sweeps
3. Bedroom
4. Music
5. Journal
6. Bachman
7. sweeps
8. livingroom
9. me
10. blog
11. secret language of eating disorders
12. sweeps
13. bath/hall
14. pictures
15. twitter
16. lives of dax
17. sweeps
18. clothes
19. videos
20. myspace
21. student bible
22. sweeps
23. closet
24. skybluefusion
25. facebook
26. magazines
27. sweeps
28. drawers
29. send danielle music
30. mail
31. women's bible
32. sweeps
33. bleuteam
34. kithcen
35. lists

busy week


Went to group and after waiting nearly half an hour to be called in the two of us (Mary and I) who are the only ones who still seem to attend were told that we won't be having group until March 3rd and if they don't find more members there will be no more Livingwell group.

Working on long list trying to be productive. Want apartment to be really clean before landlords show up in the morning. The bathroom is clean. Floor, toilet, sink, mirror, and tub have all been scrubbed within the last couple of days.

Sunday morning:

Grandma's sister, my great aunt Betty Jo, arrived last night from Arkansas. She has no electricity at all in her area and will not have any for a month or more. Mom and Dillon went and picked Betty Jo up from the airport while Kylee stayed home to help with the twins. Grandma didn't go because she wasnn't feeling well and it's been cold and wet for several days now with several more wet days forcasted.

Tuesday morning:

I give up on my ipod. It will not let me put anything on it. Every time I manage to get more than a few songs on it it gives an error and deletes everything off of the ipod. I need to see if we still have a warrenty on it. Mom bought one when she got it for me from Best Buy but that was Christmas of 2007. It may have only been a 1 year warrenty. I've spent trying to get my ipod to work for several days and nights now and nothing works.

Thursday Morning:

Went to pdoc on tuesday. cried between there and moms house. got gas in car, couldn't get gas cap on right. picked up dillon from school. kylee wanted to drive so she drove to ralphs and went grocery shopping with me. stupid me locked keys in trunk and had to have mom come down to ralphs and rescue us. eventually after going back to their house kylee decided to come home with me so she drove us to my house and we stayed up til after 4am. we put the groceries away, played wii fit, ate frozen french bread pizzas, played more wii fit, she had a lasagna tv dinner then we watched a jeff dunham dvd til she fell asleep on the couch and i took my computer into my bedroom. we had to get up early and go pick mom up from toyopros. the car dealer is in the same parkig lot and i showed them my gas cap and they ordered one and i came back later in the day and he put it on there and didn't charge me anything. picked dillon up from school again. went to best buy cuz of stupid ipod. they'll let me know when it's fixed. got completely lost trying to get home from there and ended up in norwalk in tears. mom stayed on the phone while i went into target and asked directions and stayed til she knew i was on the freeway the right way. i have a good mom.

i have to get dillon to school at like 8:30am and then pick the twins up at like 11:30am and who knows where kylee's gonna want/need to go. mom wont get her car back til the end of the day most likely they said. another really long day. i slept a little from like 11 to 2:30am or so and have been crying a lot before and since. working on a list now and trying not to si.

I want to give up. I want to stop living. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop being so stupid, so hopeless. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the world.

Friday morning:

I took Dillon to school in the morning then went back to their house and waited for the twins to get out of school at 11:30am. Mom drove my car and we ran to the store and then to the kids school. Eventually mom heard from the mechanic who told her that her car is taken apart and they dont have a part and won't be ready for at least another day. Eventually mom and the twins drove me home and mom cleaned my kitchen while I kept the twins occupied with the wii fit. They left when it was time to pick up Dillon from school. I did a bit more Wii fit to get my 30 minutes. Then I napped. Ate a tv dinner and the last of the cheesecake and then eventually started working on a list.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

early tues morn

It's early tuesday. I've been following a long list. Adding 5 things to the list just about every time I get through it. I have to go to sleep sometime this morning though with the alarms set and get to group. I missed last week to take Kylee and Tricia to Disneyland for Kylee's birthday.

Have done a lot. The kitchen and livingroom have noticable differences of cleanliness. So does the bathroom. I've also read a little here and there and got through some emails. Entered very few sweeps though.

Monday, February 2, 2009

long blog written over who knows how long

Went to sleep around noon on Saturday and stayed in bed all day and night. Got up around 2:30am and went and laid on the couch and dozed for another hour or so then finally got up and started to work on a list.

Ate a yogurt around 7:30am which was the first thing i'd eaten in at least 24 hours. I did not and do not really even feel hungry. I do feel depressed and achey and tired.

Ate a couple small things throughout the day but not really tasted good or was really enjoyable even tho it was stuff I usually do enjoy such as a 100 calorie pack of chocolate chip cookies. I guess I'm not worth enjoying anything anyways so that's ok.

Had a budget gourmet type of tv dinner. Swiffered (dry and wet) most of the livingroom in small sections throughout the day. Only way I seem to get anything done is in really small parts at a time.
I finished reading "Multiple Blessings" today.

Wrote the above several days ago. Later that night had a terrible thunder/lightning/hail storm that knocked out the electricity for over 4 hours. I sat on the couch with my ipod and a flashlight and some books. Took more ativan than usual because I totally do not deal well with the dark. The power went out right around midnight. Just when I was going to finish adding new sweeps and start on daily sweeps. I was so frustrated.


It is now Saturday morning. Later today me and mom are supposed to go to the movies but I don't know what we are going to see.

Mom and I saw Paul Bardt: Mall Cop. It was pretty funny. Written by Kevin James. Produced by Adamn Sandler. Was better than either of us expected. We went to the new Bob's Big Boy resturant before seeing the movie. We had a good time.

Pain got really bad though throughout the night. Lortab didn't even really help. Eventually slept and woke up in less pain but have felt exhausted all the time.


It's now monday afternoon and I'm doing a mad rush cleaning the apartment before I go pay rent. I found tons of little tiny whiteish bugs crawling all over my counter and on one of the food cabinet shelves. I took everything out of the cabinet and checked all of the food stuff and there was no bugs anywhere on or in any of it that I could find. They were just on the shelf and counter. Online I discovered that they MAY be termites but I can't really tell for sure and will need to talk to landlord about it. I want to get my place clean tho in case they come over.

Called landlord. They are coming over wednesday to spray. She said to just give them the rent check then. Going to continue working on list for as long as I can get myself to stick to it and try to get this place really clean. I have a headache that keeps getting worse. Took some excedrin a bit ago.


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