home visit tomorrow gah!

It's another hot day. I missed group. Felt and stil feel shitty. Could not get up and get down there in time. Called in and told them that my stomach was a mess (which is true) and I was not going to be there. She tried to talk me into coming anyways but I couldn't.

Got a call from Karen from the clinic saying her and the other livingwell group leader, Danielle, will be coming over around 10:30am tomorrow morning for a home visit. Blah. I'll have to get my apartment clean tonight and shower. I was washing dishes when she called.

Going to spend the night doing a list and trying to get apartment clean enough. Probably won't get to do daily sweeps tonight. :(

summer over yet?

It's been really hot today. Even turned the air conditioner on for a little while because I was so hot. It's supposed to be fall. Summer is supposed to be over.

On Thursday me and mom may be going out to Cal Worthington to look for me a car. Mine has endless problems and more than one mechanic has told me several times to get rid of it.

I'm entering daily sweeps and doing a list. Hopefully I'll manage to get through all the daily sweeps today.

a week to write this...

I went to the doctor's monday. I got a flu shot and a referral to a different

neurologist because the guy I have seen in the past just would never do anything for me.

I went to mom's house after that. I helped the twins finish their homework and then read

some books to them until they got too wound up and I got too aggravated to continue. Mom

got us all KFC. I had 5 chicken little sandwhiches (they are the size of white castle

hamburgers) and then some of the corn that mom made.

When I got home I watched tv, chatted, and did a lot of nothing for a long time. Talked

to a new person in #bus who was having a hard time for a while and started working on a

list I started a few days ago and is now quite long.

The current list:
Read
Livingroom
Email
Kitchen
Me
Bedroom
Mail
Bath/Hall
Sweeps
Clothes
MoodGym
Closet
Blog
Boxes
Bible
Magazines
Sparkpeople
Lists
Christmas
Floor
One Minute Bible
Dust
Journal
Woman's Bible
Music

The book I am currently reading is "From a Buick 8" by Stephen King.

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au MoodGym is a website that like helps you work out stuff dealing

with depression etc. The Bible I'm reading is The Student Bible NIV. I'm currently

reading some of the psalms. I have a ton of magazines sitting around that I need to get

rid of. The Woman's Bible has devotional readings that I'm reading, not just a regular

bible.

On tuesday I went to group. Loraine, who is a big Disneyland fan and a member of the

group I've known for a few years now brought me 2 pairs of pants and 3 disney t-shirts.

After group I went to mom's house I think. The twins were not home, they were with their

dad.

On wednesday I saw the gastroenterologist. He told me to have blood work done and then

an ultrasound and I have an appointment to see him again in a month. I didn't get up

until about 5pm or so on thursday so only paid my rent and didn't go get bloodwork done

or call the new neurologist. On friday I didn't get up until after 6pm so did nothing

yet again.

I finished the Book "From A Buick 8" a couple days ago and Saturday morning I finished

another Stephen King book "Doloros Claiborne". I have started reading yet another

Stephen King book. This one is called "Night Shift" and is a collection of short

stories.

I have not been feeling well at all lately. Been getting dizzy and lightheaded a lot.

Just a blah feeling in general and nausea is back at times. I'm acheyier than usual I

think too. I've also felt really depressed and anxious and my head has been loud. The

Bad Man has visited me in my sleep again. It's not as bad as it has been in the past

though fortunatly.

I've been writing this blog post since I think monday. It is now sunday. Early sunday.

lost confused

I wish the world would end. I’m so lost. I’m so sick of crying. I’m so sick of hurting. My back hurts so bad again. Everything hurts. I have to see the psychiatrist next Tuesday. I don’t even know what today is but I know I’m dreading Tuesday. I always dread seeing him. He makes me feel so stupid, so fat, so shitty. He says I’m not depressed. Why do I cry all the time? Why do I want to die? Why do I hate everything, especially myselfs? Why do the inside people have to be so loud? I don’t know what happened tonight. I was struggling and I gave up. That was at least four hours ago. I wasn’t asleep. At some point I took a shower. I don’t remember. I’m not even sure who does. I’m scared. This can’t start happening a lot again. I can’t take it. No one understands. I can’t tell anyone. It doesn’t make sense to me how would it make sense to anyone else? I’m trying so hard not to SI again. I feel so bad though and it’s the only thing that might help me for at least a little while. I keep crying. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy like everyone says I should be? I can’t go on like this. I’m so scared. No one can help me. We’re so alone. So lost. So empty. So stupid. I stay logged into #bus all the time just so I can pretend I’m not alone. I talk a lot but no one really listens to me. They tell me I talk to much. They say I’m boring. They’re right but I can’t shut up. Most of the conversations in there are way over my head. So many of the regulars there are grad students and stuff. I’m a junior college flunk out. I feel so stupid all the time. Not just in there but whenever I talk to anyone anywhere. I’m always so confused. I hate it. My pdoc is going to tell me to lose weight, get out, and get a job. He always done. I can’t make my head or body work well enough though. I hate seeing him so much. I want to quit going to the clinic at all. I want to quit going to any doctor. I want to just quit eating. I want to quit hurting. I want to quit. I’m so messed up and no one can help me. Yes I’m lazy. Everyone tells me that too. I know it. I’ve always known it. I just don’t have the energy and I don’t know where to even start even when I manage to get up. I sleep a lot. I also space a lot. I don’t know whats going on a lot of the time. I’m lost inside my head with all the inside people arguing. Sometimes things happen and I don’t know it like taking a shower earlier. I don’t remember taking a shower buy my hair is wet and I’m in clean clothes and stuff. I feel so lost. I don’t know anything for sure anymore.

A productive morning

I started a list around a quarter til 5am and worked on it all morning, well past time I should have gone to sleep. It's 10:30am now and I should really give up and go sleep soon since I have to make phone calls today. I got my bed cleared off, sheets and all as well as the kitchen table. I also got a lot of the stuff from the box separated and sorted and some clothes put away. I've also added a bunch of music to itunes.
I got 10 tickets to the Dodger game this sunday and emailed my friends. My sister and brother got jobs at a Halloween store and won't find out til saturday if they have to work sunday or not. Well I better clean off the couch and sleep a while.



"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."-Fred Allen

I'm being productive for a change

I've gotten into a funk again lately. Happens a lot. Tonight I've managed to be productive though. I've been meaning to write a blog post for a while now but I haven't done anything lately but sit and lay on the couch and babble in #bus. I haven't done sweeps all week. My apartment is a total disaster area but I have been following a list tonight and getting a little bit done finally. I'm having a little trouble breathing now and should probably use my inhalor. I guess the heat, movement, and dust from some of the stuff I've been going through is getting to me.

I don't think I've blogged anything at all anywhere all month if not longer and there were a few exciting things in August. On August 2 John and Danielle came over. We ran to tacobell/pizza hug and got dinner then came back here to eat. After that we went and found the local starbucks. Me and Danielle both had gift cards. I'd had mine a long time. I had three, at least one of which was from this past Christmas. Another one was older than that I think. We played some Uno and then we played a game they got me for Christmas called Last Word (i think that's the title) for the first time. It was a lot of fun but after 8 games Danielle had won every single time and it was after midnight so they went home. I didn't sleep that day at all because I was taking Dillon to Disneyland early the next morning. The alarm was set for like 6am or so and I never got to sleep. I haven't been going to sleep until dawn.

We had a good time on that trip, we always do though. We got there right after it opened and did a few things there, got fastpasses, then headed over to DCA right after it opened, probably at 10am. We were meeting people in the picnic area at 11:30am from micechat.com. That was a bit awkward because most of them knew each other and neither me and Dillon had met anyone before and are not active on the site. They have a meet-up every sunday at noon. This particular week they were having cupcakes first though to celebrate a few birthdays. Most of them went to lunch after a while and we weren't hungry so went off to use our fastpasses and such. Throughout the day we passed many of the micechatters and waved.

The twins' birthday was this month as well. We had planned to get a jumper but plans changed at the last minute and the jumper was canceled and we used some of the money I won from a sweepstakes to stay 2 nights at the Plaza Inn Hotel and Suites across the street from the Disneyland main pedestrian entrance...well down a bit, more across from DCA. We got there late in the day on the 6th and had dinner at IHOP then went over to DL for a few hours. The next day were were back there by 10am and had hoped to do a character breakfast but it was $30 a piece for that and IHOP had come up to a ridiculous $90 or so the night before. We did have breakfast on main street though, just not the chracter one. The twins were pretty cranky that day from getting to bed late and up early. We all still had fun though.

We got home late on the third day and then the following night Kylee's girlfriend came over and I went over and grandma made spaghetti and we had cake. The twins finally got to open their presents. They had a pretty good birthday this year.

On August 17th Sergio, Dillon, and I went to Warped Tour in Carson. Dillon had been dieing to go to this all day concert. There were like 8 stages and around 30 bands I think. Katy Perry and Angels and Airwaves were the only ones I really knew. Some of the other bands were pretty good too though. I had won 2 tickets in a sweepstakes and Sergio agreed to go with us so I wouldn't have to drive so I bought his ticket and mom gave him gas money. I got really sunburned and so did Dillon. I had put lots of sunblock on that morning but I should have reapplied, and wore a hat.

I was sick too. When we got home from DLR I had a sore throat that got worse and wouldn't go away. I went to the doctor and was given an antibiotic and she did a throat swab to test for strep. The antibiotic was a 5 day one and the doctor's office called me the day I had finished it to tell me it was strep and I wasn't any better by then so they called in a second, different, antibiotic. By the time I finished it I was fine. The concert was when I was still taking the first one or had just started the second one though so I was pretty miserable. The sun burn did not help things. Sergio was also miserable. He has gallstones and has surgery scheduled for late september because he can't get off work before that.

Thanks to Labor Day I got my check on friday and was able to go grocery shopping saturday. I spent a lot more than usual but at least I have plenty of food for a while. Which reminds me...There are oranges in my fridge. I may have one in a little while.

It's almost 4:30am and I would like to get some more done before I sleep. I did not sleep well at all yesterday. Had reflux and couldn't lay down. Around 10am I finally managed to get comfortable propped up and slept about 2 hours. I got up and went to the bathroom but after a short while was able to get back to sleep. I had nightmares the rest of the day though. Waking up on and off. I didn't actually get up and on the computer until after 6 though. I was really tired and slept from 9pmish until almost 11. I've been doing a list since about 2am I think. I should get back to it now...

A cool giveaway

Check out acowboyswife's blog and enter her giveaways! Very cool!

http://mywoodenspoon.com/2008/07/27/3mth-giveaways-come-to-an-end-with-a-bang/

Cadaver calculator

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Check out the letsgogreen giveaway!

I found a giveaway for biodegradable trashbags. So check out the blog called The Ramblings of a Woman and read the post that is linked in the title of my blog post. We should all try to do more for the environment.

TOY STORY MIDWAY MANIA!

On Thursday, July 3rd I drove Kylee, Trisha and their a-hole friend Travis (or was it Trevor? Who knows...we'll call him "jerk"). The first thing I wanted to do when we got there was go on Toy Story Mania which I've been wanting to do since I first heard the ride was being built! If you don't know what TSMM is please go look it up! Better yet, go to DCA and ride it! I can't wait to ride it again (and again and again...)! I loved it.

Me and Kylee in line


I was yellow, Tricia was green.


Riding TSMM was the best part of the day by far. Kylee and her friends treated me like crap all day. Oh well. I got to ride TSMM. I won't be going to DL with Kylee and her friends again though. I won't be spending any time with jerk or doing any favors for him at all. Kylee did apologize to me after mom talked to her the following day. The fact that Kylee treats me (and most people) like crap on a regular basis and apologized just before asking for help with something from me makes me not appreciate her apology as much as I've tried to. She tried to apologize tho.

The night after getting home from DLR I sat down and cried longer and harder than I had in quite a while. It was my worst trip to DL ever. I can't wait to go again (WITH DILLON! OR MOM AND THE TWINS AND DILLON!) to forget about this trip and return happiness to my DL memories.

I couldn't get anyone to go on Toy Story a second time or explore the new Dream House inside Innoventions which I really wanted to see. Hopefully me and Dillon can go see it soon. Mom and Dillon had gone to DL the Sunday before and rode TSMM twice and had lots of fun but the dream house was closed at the time. I wish I could have gone with them but I'm glad the two of them were able to spend quality time together just the two of them. Dillon don't get enough attention. With the twins always keeping mom busy and all Kylee's graduation stuff recently he kind of got lost in the crowd.




I've been pretty depressed lately. The treatment by Kylee and her friends really didn't help. The fourth I just stayed home. Was tired, achey, depressed, and just didn't want to deal with crowds and such. Kylee don't like fireworks so just mom and Dillon went and watched fireworks at the same place we go every year. Mom said it was the same show as the last 2 years, same music, same fireworks choreography. There was some famous singer tho that sang one song. I can't remember who it was though. Someone I'd heard of that has been around for many years. Mom said she was a friend of someone involved in planning the fireworks performance and sang one of her popular songs than was driven off in the van they drove her out to the stage in. Mom's not sure it was her but it pretty sure.

Sunday mom took me and Dillon to the cheap theatre and we saw Wall-E. It was cute. Mom fell asleep tho and when she woke up started playing tetris on her phone so I guess she didn't really get into it. Mom ALWAYS falls asleep though no matter how good the movie is. It's too bad we couldn't have taken the twins but they're with their father and he has already taken them to it. Mando did let my mom have her visit with the twins the last 2 wednesday nights but we think he's off this week so he'll probably have plans and she wont get to see the babies. I believe his 4 weeks are over on the twentieth of this month.



Oh recently I won a $100 visa giftcard doing sweeps. Also won a 6-month premium membership for OLS.

Well I have a dentist appointment at 1pm today and it's 6am now. I had a nap but I should try to get a couple hours of sleep.

Give me a 10 for 6pm.com's Best Best Friend

Give me a 10 for 6pm.com's Best Best Friend

Check out MomReviews

I found this on OLS and thought I'd share this one (I"ll be doing this occassionally with various sites).

MomReviews

I wish I could win the Suave products!

GooGoo Dolls Acoustic #3 lyrics

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screamin'
You're not listening anyway

My sister graduated!

Well it's been a little while since I've actually written anything anywhere. My sister Kylee has had a very eventful couple of weeks. Last night she graduated high school at 8pm. All my friends were there, and of course most of my family was there. It was disappointing that grandma decided not to go but our sister, Amber, came and even our father, Rick, showed up. My family got to meet my best friend's boyfriend for the first time. Amber got to meet all my friends for the first time. It was great seeing Amber again after so long.
I got over to my moms house yesterday around 2:30 or 3pm I think. I visited with the twins and grandma and all for a while where Kylee got ready. Then me and Kylee headed off to the college I've gone to all these years because she had an appointment with a counselor there. The two of them worked on a student educational plan (SEP) for Kylee and answered a few questions Kylee had and then I took Kylee to the main office to pick up some papers that show what classes are needed for each major but most of the ones she wanted to see were not there. They need to refill the slots where they go. I took Kylee to the financial aid office where she spoke briefly with someone there that told her to make sure she's got her FAFSA done and such. Then I showed Kylee where the food was and bought her a soda and pointed out the bookstore and the library and what buildings were which in that area. Then we headed over to the district field where her graduation was. When we got there the other high school that used that same field that same day for their graduation was just starting to leave. So the area was a mess of people and we parked a street over and walked over to the field and waited for our family and friends.
Marcie and her boyfriend Eddie were the first of our group to show up. Shortly after that John, Danielle, Sergio, and Brianna showed up. We then waited, talking to my mom a few times on the phone, for Amber to arrive at the house so mom and Dillon and the twins as well as Amber could come over there. Rick arrived shortly before the gates opened. Most of my friends went in and got us seats while me and Marcie waited with Rick outside because mom had his ticket. Eventually we all got in and sat in the bleachers and waited. Boy were our butts sore at the end of the ceremony. Bleachers are not a comfortable place to sit. It's a killer on my back too.
It took a good fifteen or more minutes for the graduating class of approximately 250 to march into the field and file into their seats. Then there were several speeches and then the calling of the names in a mostly alphabetical order. Kylee was fairly easy to spot because she was the only one with the blue and gold honor cords like the ones me and Marcie wore. They are for honor thespian. Something not easy to earn but Kylee more than earned with all her involvement in the drama department at school and all the stuff she's done outside of school productions. After the ceremony ended everyone rushed the field to meet up with their graduate. It took a while to find Kylee in that mess and then her and Dillon both lost themselves in the crowd saying congrats and bye to all their friends. Eventually Kylee picked up her diploma and we found her near the exit taking pictures with her girlfriend and friends. Dillon took quite a while longer to get over there. Once we finally got them rounded up we drove over to Denny's where everyone else was waiting for us.
At Denny's we had the banquet room which mom had reserved. It was very nice. Mom had brought in quite a bit of decorations in earlier in the day and the staff there decorated with the stuff she brought in. Most was black and gold because that is the school colors and some even said the school name on it.
Most of us ate. Me and Danielle shared a grand slam and it was good. Rick left before we ate but he did at least come by there. He gave Kylee $50. Kylee kind of felt gypped because at my grad he had given me $100. Most of my friends gave her gift cards for various things. Amber got her a big basket of snack foods that Kylee loved but didn't see until she got home because Amber rode with mom to the grad and then to Denny's and the basket was in her car. Poor Amber was so exhausted but couldn't leave until someone took her back to our house and we'd forgotten she was stuck there and when we realized it I ran her by the house (a 2 minute drive tops) so she could go home. She gave me the basket and I went in and sat it on the couch as she went home. I then found Kylee some flip-flops and took them back to Denny's because her feet were killing her from wearing the nice shoes she had on. By the time I got back my friends were all walking out and I spoke to them a minute or two in the parking lot before going back into the restaurant and helping clean up. I then drove Kylee's friend Andrew (I think that was his name...real nice guy) home and took Kylee back to the house and visited a while before going home around 2:30am.
I ordered Kylee an 8gb memory card with a usb card reader to go with it. It'll be a few more days still before she gets it, however. I did tell her about it yesterday though.
I think everyone had a pretty good time last night. The twins were exhausted though. They had gone to Universal Studios with their dad the day before and were obviously up fairly late last night compared to their usual bedtime around 8pm or so. They had to get up early today to see their asshole of a father who kept them late day before yesterday but had a tantrum when mom told him today that they were going to be late today because they were tired and hard to get up this morning. The twins did NOT want to go visit today. They wanted to stay home and relax but mom had no choice but to make them go. I think it's the 20th of this month they go with him for an entire month. My mom is going to go nuts and the twins are going to miss her and their home terribly.
Kylee's grad night was last week and they went to Disneyland. She said the park was packed full of too many schools and all the lines were horrendous. Today she has been on the computer trying to get stuff backed up so I can attempt to fix their computer. Secure sites (email, bank, school registration site, etc etc) do not work at all on their computer now. The isp troubleshot with us a couple times for a few hours and eventually told us to reformat and start over. I haven't done it yet because Kylee hasn't backed up her stuff yet and Dillon is ALWAYS on it. (Myspace still works). Dillon starts summer school monday. He doesn't not need to go but is getting a class or two out of the way. He got pretty good grades. They both did. I was trying on my computer to get into the school website for her but we can't get logged in. we have to call the school Monday and find out why her ID and password are not working.
I am very proud of Kylee this week (and always)! Here are a few pictures I took yesterday:

This blur is Kylee as she graduated:



A proud mom kissing her daughter:



Kylee with many of my friends:



Daniel loved Amber immediatly:



Sister and father who hadn't seen each other in 8 years:




Kylee and our father:



The cake (I think those were real flowers but we weren't sure):



Hannah and Dillon doing some kind of secret handshake:



My friends:



And finally...a piture taken before we left for the graduation- "When Hannah attacks!" lol:


Congratulations little sis! I love you!

last night

Last night John and Danielle came over. We had a good time. We talked. We ate pizza. We played Life Twists and Turns board game (I won!). We messed around on the computer. Looked at old yearbooks and looked up people on myspace. We just hung out. I’m glad they came over. It’s good to have friends like that. Marcie was invited but it was all last minute and she already had plans with her boyfriend…a football game or something. I don’t remember exactly.

I’ve been looking at Disneyland videos on youtube. I find them very interesting and I really want to go to the park again. It’s been way too long. Last time I went was the first week of January! Unfortunately I just haven’t felt physically up to going somewhere like that. My family has been a few times. I can’t even go to the grocery store without feeling like I’m going to collapse. I then go home and lay down and don’t move because I feel so tired, weak, and achey. I hate this.

I went like 2 full days without ending up throwing up. Yesterday afternoon I threw up but I managed to eat pizza without getting sick and today I had stuffed shells pasta and have not thrown up, but my stomach hurts. My ankles have really been bothering me last couple days. I have lots of other pain too which is keeping me from getting to sleep. My doctor don’t want me taking any pills because we don’t know what is wrong with my stomach.

On May 28th I have an appointment to have an endoscopy. I am so dreading this. My mom is taking me. I just hope it lets them figure out what’s wrong and then fix it. I’m so sick of feeling like shit everyday!

purity test

You Are 76% Pure

You're pretty pure, and you have no plans on changing that. You do have a devilish side though... and it will probably get the better of you.

The 100 Question Purity Test

A true friend

My definition of a “true friend” has been questioned.

A true friend is someone that sticks with you through thick and thin, NO MATTER WHAT.

A true friend is there for you when you need them most, without cursing you for needing them and without complaint.

A true friend would never threaten you in any way and does NOT continuously remind you that you “owe” them for all the things they’ve ever done for you.

A true friend doesn’t run from your problems but asks you to talk about them.

A true friend doesn’t lie to you and call you the liar.

A true friend supports you in any decision you make.

A true friend doesn’t remind you of every mistake you’ve ever made, but reminds you of the good things you’ve done.

A true friend really means it when they say they love and care about you, and show it!

A true friend can be told anything without making you feel bad.

A true friend remembers the things you did for them and the times you were there for them, not just what they did for you.

An untrue friend will say they don’t want you in their life and then continue to contact you to put you down and threaten you, reading all the stuff you post.

So now we know my definition of a true friend! I have true friends, most notably is Marcie. She has always been there, no matter what. And I hope I’ve always been there for her, no matter what. She fulfills all the things I mentioned above and then some. I hope she realizes how much I appreciate her.

---

sick

It has been a while since I’ve written anything. I’ve been sick. A couple weeks ago I went to the er on a Thursday night and they took my gallbladder out that Saturday. I was very sore from the surgery but the soreness has mostly gone away now but I’m still just as sick as I was before going into the hospital. Most of what I eat does not stay down. I’m always either constipated or have diarrhea. A couple times I had blood in my stool. My stomach almost always hurts and whenever I eat anything or even drink too much it hurts worse. I get heartburn and acid reflux pretty bad most of the time. I’ve got an appointment with a gastroenterologist May 8. Hopefully they can help me. The doctor who wrote the referral said they will probably want to do a colonoscopy. I’ve heard the 2 days before that procedure are very miserable. I just wish I could die and not have to go through any thing else. Last night I had chicken noodle soup and it came back up before I could even put my bowl in the sink. I still need to wash the dishes. I haven’t gone and gotten my mail like all week. I’m feeling really terrible at the moment though and don’t feel like walking right now, for I might throw up again if I move around too much at the moment.

I don’t do much of anything now. I dropped out of school weeks ago. I haven’t been going to group at the clinic. I go to doctors appointments and on the days I have doctor appointments I go to my moms house. Other than that I pretty much stay on my couch and try not to throw up. I’ve come to discover who my true friends are and there aren’t as many of them as I once thought. I pretty much keep to myself now online. I used too many minutes on my phone this past month since I was in the hospital for part of the time and now most of my friends talk to me on the phone instead of those who I used to talk to online.

Dropped out of school

I dropped out of school completely.
I'm sick and just can't get the project done that involves going to libraries and observing 6 seperate librarians for half an hour each and interviewing them or something. Without this project I wont pass the class so why continue to go to class? Not like the class matters any ways. What would I do with the stupid certificate? Put it in a box?

I weighed myself today. 203. This is more than 20 pounds less than it was like a month or so ago. When I eat my stomach hurts worse and the nausea gets so bad and the food often refuses to stay in my stomach. I'm miserable. I don't know how much more of this I can take. The gastroentorologist cannot see me until April 21st. I've been counting down the days in hope for some kind of relief. I'm supposed to have an ultrasound. They are booked but were finally able to get back to me with a cancellation for April 29th. I keep track of my calories on sparkpeople.com but I am not trying to lose weight. There has been a day here and there when I ate as many as 900 calories in a single day but these are far and few between and just because I ate that many calories doesn't mean that all of them actually got absorbed. I am NOT making myself sick on purpose. I HATE throwing up. Many days I manage to consume about 300. Many days less.

I'm so sick of this. I cry all the time. I'm lonely. I can't go anywhere. I hurt all over. My back is killing me and my stomach always hurts now. I turned down going to Disneyland twice now because of my stomach! I didn't go to CEC. I had a chance to go to Laughlin with John and Danielle. The room was paid for and danielle even offered to pay for one or two of my meals but I couldn't go. I'm sick. I don't know whats wrong. Many mornings I can't get to sleep at all because I cannot lay down due to the nausea.

And I've got a bad attitude and I'm always screwing things up. No one wants to talk to me at all anymore. My ipod is messed up. My computer blue screens all the time. It's all my fault. I can't do anything right.

Don't talk to me about my stupid blog. "Pity party" ya ya ya. shut up and leave me alone

I don't need you to help me me like shit!

It seems like everyone I talk to anymore can't wait to tell me I'm not doing good enough. I KNOW THIS ALREADY! Ok?

I DO try! I HAVE tried! I DO listen to you but I'm not good enough. I'm not as strong as you. I'm not as convincing as you. I'm not as good as you. I just can't do it.

I know you try to help me. I DO appreciate it. The help I need is someone to make the pain stop. You just can't do that through a keyboard. I'm sorry. I need pain meds or something.

I know I complain too much. I know its feeding the ego and all that shit. I just can't seem to stop myself though. I know everyones tired of hearing it but so am I. I know that means I should stop complaining but its not that easy. I try all the time not to complain and yet I still complain constantly.

If you think I like being miserable your wrong.

Everyone blames this on me going off psych meds but I was just as miserable while I was on the stupid pills. Yes I'm depressed. I'm broke all the time and I am feeling like shit physically all the time. I can't get doctors to help me. It don't seem like it matters what I do or don't do someone is always upset with me. So how can I NOT be depressed?

I feel shitty. I don't need anyone telling me I'm not trying not hard enough. I don't need anyone telling me I'm being negative. I don't need anyone telling me I'm lying. I don't need someone telling me everything I say is bullshit. ok?

curious savage

Me and Dillon went and saw Kylee in her las high school play, Curious Savage. I think Kylee's character's name was Mrs Paddy or something like that. It's a good show. It takes place in a mental institution. This was their first play at the new covina theatre. it used to be called the covina playhouse. i think its called the covina performing arts center now. i'm not sure. its nice. really small. always has been small. i was there once before. marcie worked on a show there once a few years ago before it had been redone. mom paid for it. it was $12 for me and $10 for Dillon. She gave us enough money to go out to eat afterward. I had mcdonald's and he had taco bell. I ate too much. I had a fish sandwhich and four chicken nuggets and shared my fries with dillon. i just couldnt decide which i wanted. i didnt throw up but I got really nausous.grandma gave me her gas card to fill up my tank since i had been running errands for them this week. i really appreciate it. money is really tight. i got a call from time warner saying my cable bill was over due. i never got the bill. again. this is the second or third month in a row i had to pay by phone because i didnt get the bill. i talked to the operator and told her i hadn't been getting the bill and asked her to make sure i would receive the next bill.

i threw up when i got up again today. i've been throwing up pretty much every day but i haven't had diahrea in a while. most days i dont have much of an appetite. i'm usually in so much pain that eating just dont sound good at all. and i'm nausious so often. i'm nausous right now.

everyone is fed up with me cuz all i do is bitch and complain and i really dont mean to but i am just so miserable i cant think of anything else. i really am thankful for the stuff people do and try to do for me. i'm thankful for things like this computer even tho it dont seem like it. i'm just so sick of crying. i'm so sick of hurting. i'm so sick of feeling like shit. like right now i cant stop crying cuz my back is hurting so bad. it hurts to sit up even propped up with pillows. it hurts to lay down. when i lay down my legs hurt worse even when i prop them up or lay on my side. and it hurts to stand or walk. i tried to just go to sleep but i cant get comfortable and its worse just laying there not doing anything. if i can keep busy its a little easy. i dont have to listen to the thoughts and the inside people and just think about the pain. i just cant take this anymore and i dont know how to actually get anyone to actually help me. i've tried telling the doctors what i say online and they just completely ignore me. my neurologist said that we have to get the headaches under control before he can work on anything else but what good does getting the headaches under control do if i still cant function at all? i just cant get anyone to listen to me. i need someone that will make someone listen to me.

Goodbye Dr. Bellman, hello teeth

I saw Dr. Bellman for the last time. She was a good therapist I think. I hope she has a good life. She's very nice.

So I'm not longer in therapy. No longer on antidepressants or mood stabilizers. No longer on antipsychotics. Sounds like that means I'm doing good but it doesn't. I'm depressed. Anxious as hell (despite the highest dose of buspar the dr can give me) and the inside people are kind of loud tonight. Most of the depression is because i'm so tired of hurting. I'm always in pain. I have lortab in me right now which eased the pain enough to allow me to fix and then actually eat a can of soup but I'm still hurting. It's mainly my back but everything hurts. I don't feel good at all. I havne't felt "good" in a long long time. I hurt all over. My stomach hurts. My dinner isn't sitting well. I'm shaking. I just feel icky.

I spent over four hours at the dentist today but at least now I have front teeth. It's a temporary bridge. He told me to be very careful with it and he also told me I don't take good care of my teeth and that I need to be still. I can't help it but my leg is always shaking. Its the anxiety. I try so hard to control it but i can't keep still. Everyone is always scolding me for it. It's embarrrassing and frustrating. I hate it. I dont know how to make it stop.

I need everything to stop

idk

I missed Livingwell group yet again because I had a migraine so bad I could not see well enough to drive. Most of the day I have had to only look at the computer, tv, or book for short periods of time cuz my head hurts so bad.

Dr. Martin called and told me today was her last group so I will never see her again. There is a new therapist taking over the livingwell group that I have no met yet. I feel really bad about missing group again.

I feel like shit in general. The inhalor the pulmonologist gave me doesn't really doesn't do any good. I started topamax for migranes yesterday but it'll take at least a month to know if it'll even help. my stomach has been out of whack again. i'm depressed. i think thats mainly from being tired of feeling like shit. the inside people are pretty loud but no more than usual. i havent cut ina long time but its really really hard.

today i have to take the kids to school, mail dawggy my computer, and go to the dentist.

well i gotta do a couple things then try to catch a bit of sleep.

I'm finally back!

My motherboard quit on my laptop a couple weeks ago. I had to get a new computer. A REALLY good friend helped me get a really good computer from a friend of his. It’s used but in great shape. The friend got a new one through his work. It’s an IBM ThinkPad. It’s smaller than my Dell Inspiron 6000 and that will take some getting used to but this is actually a better computer than the one I had so I’m not complaining.

I’ve been going nuts the last couple weeks. I cleaned out my closet and read a lot. My room is more of a disaster than ever now though, since my closet floor is now clean. I’m behind on school work but I am doing a list with Dawggy and school is right at the very top of the list. I’ve been calling Dawggy and Harmony, and my mom and grandma SEVERAL times every day since I didn’t have a computer. Everyone is glad I have a computer again. Dawggy set most of the stuff up on the computer for me so there’s just a few tweaks that need to be done as I go. Things like getting roboform things set up and settings on programs. Nothing big.

It’s so nice to be back. I was VERY lonely.

Shitty

I've felt like shit for like a couple weeks now. I'm weak and shakey and hurt all over. So much phlegm. It's hard to swallow. Nothing tastes good. Not hungry. Wake up every hour or two hurting or having trouble breathing.

My mom came over the beginning of the week or the weekend or last week I don't remember. She brought hannah and spent quite a bit of time cleaning. My car broke down last tuesday so it was in the shop for a little over a week. Mom paid the $600 for the timing chain or whatever it was called.

Mom and all the kids came over today to pick me up to take me to get my car. Mom was furious cuz my livingroom is scattered and I have a few dishes in the sink and I never got rid of the rug she ruined by putting in the wash machine. it shreaded all over the place. it didnt help that both her and grandma were already md at me. I slept through the first phone call today from my mom. They got a thing from the dmv today saying it was a delinguency notice that I never sent in the registration for my car. Grandma swears I went and had my car smogged when she gave me the bill and i said i'd send it in. that never happened. that was a year ago when my car was smogged. it only gets smogged every other year. i don't remember getting the bill for the tags at all this year. Now I've got $110 bill for the tags that I have no idea how i'm going to pay. after i pay all my bills, and buy groceries i have barely enough for gas throughout the month...sometimes I don't even have that. I guess I can skip tv dinners and snacks for the month and live on ramen, soup, and occassionally mac and cheese? maybe the clinic can help me with groceries. i hope so cuz other wise i'm scrwed.

i have school tomorrow night (thursday) and a doctors appt the following morning. It's going to be really hard to get there by 10am. i hope i don't get sleepy driving.

I think Dawggy is mad at me but I'm not sure exactly what I did. He hasn't talked to me in several days. it feels like everyone is upset with me and i just don't know how to fix it.

i don't feel good. i need to get my kitchen and livingroom straightened up but I get so weak and dizzy when I try to clean. i know its just an excuse. i've always got an excuse and i need to stop complaining and get off my lazy ass and do all the stuff thats expected of me no matter how much i hurt.