Screw the template

I'm depressed and barely functioning. I've decided to drop the class I wanted to take (abnormal psychology with Dr. Schaliky) because I have no dependable transportation. My car won't pass smog and is not repairable. Grandma said she'll help me get a car for my birthday but that's not until the end of the semester. I'll still have developmental psychology online and the health science class online. I'll probably go curl up in a ball now.

Restless

Current Music: none again

Current Mood: restless and tired

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: went to the psychiatrist

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I’m having trouble focusing on anything for long. I’m tired and restless. I cant sleep. I can’t focus. I went to the doc today. I start zyprexa again in the morning.



Current music: Mary did you know

Current mood: unsure how I feel

Last thoughts: whatever my mood is isn’t where I’d like to be.

TItles are hard to come up with

Current Music: Darren Hayes – So Bad

Current Mood: Kinda high on pain pills

Interesting Node: The Christmas Shoes

Interesting non-e2 url: Bubblewrap!

Picture:

Caption: This is from Don Mammen’s memorial service. I thought it was pretty so I scanned it.

Quote: “Death borders upon our birth, and our cradle stands in the grave. Our birth is nothing but our death begun.”
--Bishop Hall

Trivia: What 1978 Disney animated featurette is about the special journey of a donkey from Jerusalem to Bethlehem?

Joke: Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at Xmas

1. Did you get any under the tree? 2. I think your balls are hanging too low. 3. Check out Rudolph's honker! 4. Santa's sack is really bulging. 5. Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff. 6. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake? 7. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. 8. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real. 9. Can I interest you in some dark meat? 10. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.


Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: That talking about cutting, in any form, upsets Dawggy. I cannot stand to have him upset with me. Also, from working on school work we learned that Yoga gives a person agility and flexibility.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Was there for a friend at her father’s memorial service and after.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment: I don’t really feel like rambling right now. My eyes keep crossing. I went to Montclair Plaza with my mom and we ate in the food court then went out and found Borders and spent almost $200 on Kylee and Dillon. Then I took lortab.


Trivia answer: The Small One

Current music: John_Mayer_-_Come_Back_To_Bed_[live_on_leno_07.20.2004]

Current mood: Don’t know

Last thoughts: Lortab is my friend but my head still kinda hurts but I go to the doctor tomorrow.

Thanksgiving is over!

Current Music: Martina McBride – A Broken Wing

Current Mood: Numb

Interesting Node: A self-censored Scapegoat is a dead Scapegoat

Interesting non-e2 url: Truth in advertising

Picture:

Quote: “You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving” –Amy Carmichael

Trivia: Geyser is derived from an Icelandic word for "hot springs."

Joke: I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists'
canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two
widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: Daniel likes my car.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Um, not much.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
Thanksgiving is over and I’m glad. I haven’t been able to accomplish much lately. My concentration is practically non-existent most of the time.

I had to put up with Mando yesterday cuz it was thanksgiving. I was glad when it was time to go home.






Current music: John Mayer – Come Back To Bed

Current mood:

Last thoughts:

"You can listen as well as you hear"

Current Music: Bonnie Raitt – I can’t make you love me

Current Mood: Depressed

Interesting Node: I opened a fortune cookie for you yesterday

Interesting non-e2 url: Mother of all Excuses

Picture:

Quote: “I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination.
Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is
limited. Imagination encircles the world.”
--Albert Einstein

Trivia: In 1972, who ended a 22-year ban on U.S. travel to China?

Joke: The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map
reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and
minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me
for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45
degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess
you'd be eating alone."

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: My therapist says I’m brave, and perhaps, according to his explanation, maybe, just maybe I am.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Started going to therapy.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment: *sigh* In the same week two of my friends lost their fathers. This disturbs me greatly. I wrote a node about my own father and how I’ll never tell him how I truly feel about him. Dawggy got to tell his father. I doubt Danielle did. Dawggy’s dad is now in his finally resting place, I think Danielle’s dad’s funeral is tomorrow. I have this obsessive repetitive thought that someone dear to me will leave this world soon. Deaths for some odd reason always seem to happen in threes. I don’t know if that’s just celebrities or common people as well but it seems to me that death always comes in three. Perhaps it has something to do with the Holy creature of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. I don’t know. I’m just rambling.
I started therapy. There’s now a part time therapist at Citrus college I’ve seen last Friday and again on Monday and I go back and see him this Wednesday. His name is Abe and so far he’s a better therapist than ones I’ve had in the past, only time will tell if it’s truly helping. I’ve had to fight the tears both sessions. On Monday he talked about suicide, suicide as a creature preying on those who are hurting. He talked of the different way it manifests itself. I’d never thought about it the way he explained it, but in an odd way it made sense. He told me I should write an email or something to my sister telling her what he said and how I wouldn’t be able to deal with losing her. Just the thought of losing any of my siblings makes the tears flood to my eyes. Oh dear God please don’t take away the people I love any time soon.


Trivia answer: In 1972, the State Department ended a 22-year ban on U.S.
travel to China.

Current music: Joe Nichols – If nobody believed in you

Current mood:

Last thoughts: I’m tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of being achey. Tired of feeling so crappy. Tired of the sudden unexplained tears. Just tired.

Bedtime but blogging first

Current Music: Our Lady Peace - I'll be watching
you drown

Current Mood:           

Interesting Node:

Sad Little spiral-bound notebook diaries

Interesting non-e2 url:
http://www.blingo.com

Picture:

Caption: My first car, washed and decorated as my 19th
birthday present.  They put a radio in it for me.

Quote: "Friendship improves happiness and abates
misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief"--Marcus
Tullius Cicero

Trivia: The electric eel's shocking power is so
great that it can overtake its victims while 15 feet away.

 

Joke:

Attending a
wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the
bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is
the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then
said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

 

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: Going IP
still sucks.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Got on
an antidepressant (Lexapro) and had Zyprexa increased. 

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:

It's my bedtime.   
but I'm a
and I wanted to finish one more write-up which I still haven't finished. 
It's morning now, which for me is the end of the day.  I
know I"m weird.  I was in-patient for three days starting on November 1st. 
I'm glad it is over with.  Now I need to get an appointment with that
stupid doctor at the La Puente clinic.  Hospitals are supposed to set up an
appointment before discharging patients but they don't. 

Current music: Prince - Seven

Current mood:

Last thoughts:

"Smile," as sung by Michael Jackson

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...
La da da
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

La da da
la la la
la da da da da da
la la la la la
*whistles*

---

I'm trying very hard to smile but the tears just keep coming.

Saturday night

Current Music: None, watching 48 Hours Mystery.

Current Mood:

Interesting Node: The crazy things we do to keep ourselves sane

Interesting non-e2 url: Photobucket

Picture:

Caption: The outfits say “Double Trouble” with a smiley that’s a boy and one that’s a girl. Under the girl on hers it says “Hannah” and under the boy on his it says “Daniel”

Quote: Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real
miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense every-
thing that comes from love is miracle.
--Marianne Williamson

Trivia: In 1936, in the presidential race between Franklin D.
Roosevelt and Alf Landon, both parties used what for the
first time?

Joke: Q:How did the phone propose to his girlfriend?

A:He gave her a ring.

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: My two library teachers don’t think I should quit their classes.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Saw a psychiatrist and started Zyprexa.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:

It’s Saturday night. I’m following a list. I have quit going to school, but will start an online Health Science course soon. I’m watching Mad TV. I’m depressed. I’m tired. I got the munchies. I have eaten 1,240 calories since midnight. I suppose I could eat 60 more calories which will make it 1,300. Then perhaps have 1,200 tomorrow, and 1,100 the next day, and then 1,000 each day after that. That should help me get into my jeans that are all too tight. This is hard because the Zyprexa I started today makes me tired and hungry. The mental health clinic dashed my hopes of being helped. I’m not going to kill myself or anything, I’m just feeling blah.

Trivia Answer: In 1936, in the presidential race between Franklin D.Roosevelt and Alf Landon, both parties used radio for the
first time.
Current music: Watching Mad TV.

Current mood:

Last thoughts:

Blogging cuz harmony said to

Current Music: None, flipping channels on the tv

Current Mood: urgy and tearful

Interesting Node: Pierre-Paul Prud'hon

Interesting non-e2 url: Damn Addicting games

Picture:

Caption: It’s been a difficult week.

Quote: "Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and
you choose the one that will get you home by 9:00 p.m."
--Ronald Reagan

Trivia: Giants baseball catcher Roger Bresnahan introduced shin
guards in 1907.

Joke: A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her
fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to
take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her
fingernails were growing normally.

One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed
nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I
bite them instead."

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: The MARC tag for main entry is 100.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Got to class.

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I’m blogging cuz Harmony told me too. Not doing very good. She’s really not either. Tried getting appointment at clinic. No luck. Lost paper I have to fill out and send to SSI. Room is a disaster area. Homework piles so high. Depressed. Almost suicidal, but not a danger to self.



Current music: none. Watching dateline or something.

Current mood: Bad thoughts

Last thoughts: Why do I bother?

Areas of my bedroom (to help me clean and such).

1. Door
2. floor in front of door
3. very top shelf
4. top book shelf
5. second book shelf
6. stereo shelf
7. second to bottom shelf
8. bottom shelf
9. floor in front of shelves
10. on top of TV /top of TV cabinet
11. TV cabinet shelf
12. TV cabinet cabinet
13. floor in front of TV cabinet
14. floor between TV cabinet and hamper
15. hamper
16. computer stuff box
17. corner area of floor
18. floor between computer box and dresser
19. floor between dresser and bed
20. top of dresser
21. drawer 1
22. drawer 2
23. drawer 3
24. drawer 4
25. drawer 5
26. drawer 6
27. drawer 7
28. drawer 8
29. drawer 9
30. floor between dresser and corner wall
31. top of headboard
32. upper shelf of headboard by dresser
33. lower shelf of headboard by dresser
34. middle of headboard
35. upper shelf of headboard by window
36. lower shelf of headboard by window
37. bed
38. under the bed
39. lamp table
40. floor under window
41. corner TV tray table
42. top of night stand
43. night stand drawer 1
44. night stand drawer 2
45. night stand drawer 3
46. Floor between bed and night stand
47. floor in front of closet
48. closet floor
49. closet
50. Fan and missed spots.


Drawers are done top to bottom then next column top to bottom and so on. List made clockwise through room (mostly) starting at door and ending next to the door. By seperating it into really small areas cleaning isn't so overwhelming.

Current Music: Prince - Soft And Wet

Current Mood: Tired

Interesting Node: Borderline Personality

Interesting non-e2 url: Spellcheck.net

Picture:

Caption: The twins first day home from the hospital, thirteen months ago.

Quote: At the end of our life, we ought to be able to look back
over it from our deathbed and know somehow the world is a
better place because we lived, we loved, we were other-
centered, other-focused.
--Joe Erhmann, Football coach

Trivia: In 1759, in the French and Indian War, the British defeated
the French near what city?

Joke: A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole." A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."
The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie. A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said. Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle." "You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle. On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win." "OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round. As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging: In MARC records the code for physical description is 300.

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging: Rescheduled CT scan for next Tuesday.

Current Music: Train - Meet Virginia

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I don’t really have many words for now, I think. I’m frustrated with homework. I feel overwhelmed with school and with life. So many things just make me want to cry. I took a Lortab a while ago, because my back hurt so much it became hard to even breathe. I could not get comfortable laying down and I need to be doing homework but sitting upright was very difficult. The pill is helping the physical pain. I’m depressed though.


Current music: Aerosmith - I don't want to miss a thing

Current mood:

Trivia answer: In 1759, in the French and Indian War, the British defeated
the French near the city of Quebec.

Last thoughts: I don’t know if medication can even really help me. Perhaps the doctors who said I was “too sick” were right. Maybe there is no hope for me.

Time to use the template thingy! um yeah.

Current Music: Sugar Ray - Anyone

Current Mood: Hyper as heck. Bouncing.

Interesting Node: Asperger's syndrome (idea) This is just one write-up in the node, if you want to read the rest click on "(all of Asperger's syndrome, there are 7 more in this node)" or here

Interesting non-e2 url: Darren Hayes Music Video for "I Miss You"

Picture:

Caption: A girl named Kylie` who is a friend from #manicdepression made this for me today to cheer me up. She's cool. Kylie lives in Australia with her one year old daughter Ella.

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging:
How to register my own chatroom on mIRC, and how to make it auto-op me. I also learned (from Dawggy then looked it up for more information) that that thing I do and have seen Daniel as well as other children do where our arms wave and our body tenses up is a often a symptom of autism and asperger's syndrome called "Stimming".

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging:
Not much. Been very depressed all day until a little bit ago when I suddenly got very hyper. But I have had a few minor accomplishments:

• Registered a room.
  
• Made it auto-join and auto-op me.
  
• Cleaned out clothes hamper, but can't do laundry til tommorow because grandma doesn't like me doing it at night.
  
• Gotten about two paragraphs written for a node
  
• Gotten thorugh about two paragraphs of public services notes.
  
• Helped my sister Kylee with an algebra problem...
  

  
  A² - B²
  __________
  V³
  
  When A=7, B=5, and V=5
  
  

• Made Kool-aid
  
• Made blog post template
  

Current Music: Def Leppard - Long, Long Way To Go

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:
I was supposed to go to the hospital for a CT scan at 7:30 of what is now yesterday morning. I didn't make it and when I woke up at 9am after nodding off while resting my burning eyes at about 5:30am and realized I'd screwed yet another major thing up it sent me even deeper into an already deep depression. I turned the computer off and pushed everything onto the floor that was still on the bed after rather carelessly placing the computer table on the floor. I just layed here all day, sleeping on and off, crying at times, catatonically staring at the walls, the ceiling fan, the shelves, Princess (the Angel doll that Harmony and Dawggy gave me), the floor, the door, or whatever else I could see. My head was full of thoughts that if revealed would likely get me evaluated for a 5150. The inside people were quite noisy. Eventually the stares from Princess' huge blue eyes made me think to call those that gave her to me. I saw the yellow spiral journal notebook that their phone number (and the phone card number) were in. All I had to do was reach down, it was on the floor just next to the bed. So was the phone. I tried calling once, but there was no answer. Later I tried again. They were just walking in the door. They had to bring the groceries in and asked if she could call me back. I apologized for calling, not sure what I really even called to say. She said she would call me back in a few minutes. That was enough to give me the motivation to get up out of bed and finally go to pee. I hadn't even done that since some time the previous night and it was now five or six in the evening. I then came back into my room and curled up in a ball again and cried. She called and I cried and cried but she managed not only to get me to calm down and stop crying but to actually get me to laugh some. Eventually a friend of theirs showed up and she hung up but we later talked on IRC and even Dawggy was on the computer today. He's been ill, mostly from med changes, and hasn't even been on the computer much at all recently.
I ended up cutting some which really helped me get out of the funk enough to at least sit up and try to do anything. Later Dawggy played a sort of a game with me to get me to do something, anything. It was a "you accomplish something, I will" type thing. It was really helpful. They both are very caring and very funny and love me very much and help me more than anyone.
I talked to Marcie and Harmony together on AIM. That was nice. I ate a cheese canneloni lean cuisine tv dinner.
Now everyone has gone to sleep, except me of course, and I'm pretty sure I'll be up for hours. I'm thinking of making some tea. I know I shouldn't have caffiene but whatever.


Current music: GroupX - Mario Twins

Current mood: Spazzy

Last thoughts: Um, Not really. I think I might add a few things to the template. Perhaps a Quote section and a Things to do section. Also, I might add some HTML to make each section title in bold or something. We'll see.

A template thingy!

I got like suddenly manic after being super super depressed and made a template I'll try to remember to use when I blog. Feel free to use it or whatever...

---

Current Music:

Current Mood:

Interesting Node:

Interesting non-e2 url:

Picture:

Caption:

Thing(s) I learned since my last blogging:

Thing(s) I accomplished since my last blogging:

And now on to my ramblings of the moment:




Current music:

Current mood:

Last thoughts:

Darren Hayes - Where You Want To Be

Hey there stranger
Do you remember?
You were a part of my life
Early December
Think I remember?
Sentiment cuts like a knife
The seasons are changing
Life's rearranging
Full of could've dones
Would've beens
It's all your fault
And where have you been
And how time goes
And now I dont even know
How to fill in the spaces
of the love you erased in my life

Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should've turned right?
Are you where you want to be?
Did you sell off all of your gold
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?

And barely symphonic
But strangely ironic
Moments contained in one glance
Oh how I adored you
But now I'm ignored by you
No evidence of romance
And now it's vaguely familiar
I think I remember sharing every single intimacy
It doesn't seem so strange to me that we barely entertained
Even the politest of phrases
But sometimes at night
I conjure you up in my mind

Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should've turned right?
Are you where you want to be?
Did you sell off all of your gold
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?

While I was busy
Perfecting the art
Of deflecting compliments
I took it too far
And I let a ripple run right through my heart
Of battle stations we're building
You and I just grew apart
We grew apart

While I decided
To make everyone else happy
I just put aside
My foolish pride
I guess I denied
My own desire
I was too busy pleasing
To ever be pleased
I forgot how to breathe
Or question anything
Or ask why?
Am I?

Am I where I want to be?
Did I get here easily?
Did I make a sacrifice?
Did I take a sharp left
When I should've turned right?
Am I where I want to be?
Can I sell off all of my gold?
Can I trade it in?
Will I wait for Love
Or settle for somebody to hold

I'd settle for somebody to hold now

You know that I've been up and I've been down
I've been picked up and spun around
I'd do it all again
If I could just have somebody to hold now
I just need somebody to hold me now
Could somebody hold me now?
I just want somebody to hold me now
I'd do it all again

I'm lonely. I'm depressed. I'm anxious. I have to get through this textbook chapter. I have to get A's in my two classes. I also have to do everything grandma and mom and everyone else want too. I can't please everyone. All I really want is someone to hold me and just let me cry onto their shoulder wheile they rub my achy back. I just want someone to hold me. I think I need someone to love me. I have Harmony and Dawggy to love me from a distance, but sometimes I just need someone to actually hold me in their arms.

Decision

We have decided to hide the "insanity" by acting only as "Jennelle" no matter who is in control we must answer only to Jennelle and act only as is expected of Jennelle, a 23 year old college student. When this is not possible we will go where no one can observe in any way until we are able once again to act or be Jennelle.
Depression, anxiety, any disturbance must be hidden. From now on we are "fine".
From this point on we are Jennelle and "I'm okay."

Been a while...stuff to do

I haven't blogged in some time now. Been feeling really icky. Both physically and mentally.

Stuff to do:

• Organize LT 101 papers. (Public Services)
  
• Organize LT 201 papers. (Cataloging)
  
• Cataloging book work.
  
• Cataloging lab work.
  
• Bag of Bones Writeup
  
• actor-observer effect
  
• Flexeril
  
• Dave Petzer book w/up
  
• Floor
  
• Bed
  
• Tommorow: Fax paper
  
• Tommorow: LT 101 class 7pm
  
• Tommorow or monday: Go to Charter Oak, with observation papers
  
• Contact medical doctor about tests
  
• Try calling case manager again
  
• Give away gmail invites
  
• Check yahoo accounts
  
• Leave feedback on ebay
  
• Vote on e2
  
• Go through e2 msgs
  
• Finish node audit on [face]
  
• Use other e2 votes
  
• Read statistics book
  
• Dresser
  
• Drawers
  

Okay now I gotta go actually try to do some of this stuff...

Long sucky day

Mom and grandma sure are experts are making me feel like shit.

I bought my textbooks today. I also tried to get into a regular doctor but they don't take Medi-Cal patients unless "they come here for long, long time now" as the lady who worked there and spoke little understandable English said. Frustrating.

My textbooks were three hundred and twenty something dollars but EOPS covered $300. It was a long pain in the butt trip to the school today. Lots of back and forth. Lots of lines. Lots of staff don'tknow what the hell their doing. Whatever.

Mom, Mando, Kylee, Dillon, and the twins had family photos done today. Mom made sure to call and tell me she's glad I wasn't included in them. Thanks mom. I've been unable to keep from crying since. They make a point NOT to include me as part of anything "family" then make a point to call and tell me they excluded me. I don't have a family. No one wants me.

Harmony and Dawggy call me their little sister but thats much easier to do from the other side of the country. If they had to deal with me f2f they'd not want me either.

I'm so sick of crying...

It's not one of the best nights. It's 5:23am. I finally just ate 2 tortillas and some cheese I zapped in the microwave. I haven't made any real progress on my room or accomplished anything else either. I don't know what to do or how to do it. I'm scared. I'm depressed. I'm lost. I can't help but think death would be easier.

bad bad bad bad bad

Grandma came in early crying and said she wanted to die. I didn't know what to do so I called mom. Mom came over and they spent hours going on and on how it's all my fault. I need so bad to cut and bleed. I'm trying not to. Harmony and Dawggy are helping me follow a list. I don't even want to live. I need away from my family and this house. I need a fresh start with no one telling me everyday how bad I am.

It's been a while since I've blogged. I haven't been following a list and I haven't been doing very well. The twins 1st birthday and party came and went now. Exhausting. Glad it's over. I'll try to get back to writing here on a regular basis again.

Manic but up and down

Current song:  Prince and the Revolution - Darling Nikki
Current Mood:  Zoooooooooooming

This sucks.  I haven't accomplished anything at all.  E2 is down AGAIN/STILL!  It's pissing me off.  My mind is going a million miles a minute.  I can't seem to focus on anything at all.  At one point today I was trying to do so many things at once and help several people with proofreading and such that I became very overwhelmed and had to get away from the computer completely.  fortunately I was home alone and I was able to ask Harmony to call me on the phone.  I knew if I walked away from the computer I would be alone and I was urging to SI bad. It's hard for me to ask for stuff like that.  I know they don't mind but it's hard for me to ask for anything.  I think it's because how asking for anything has always resulted when it comes to my biological family.  Damnit.

Current Mood:  Tearful
Current Music:  Radiohead - Paranoid Android

I can't seem to focus on ANYTHING.  Not for long.  I haven't accomplished anything in far too long.  I spent all day trying to be productive and trying real hard not to SI.  Those never-ending phone calls with mom and grandma make it so hard.  The belittle me.  I think they enjoy making me feel like shit.  I gave in tonight.  I was already in tears because my computer was being very strange and switching windows and I thought someone was hacking it or something.  Dawggy said turn on vnc and he'll look.  So I did and he was working on it when the phone rang yet again.  MOM.  Which of course almost always ends up being mom AND grandma both having a go at me.  So I stifled my sobs because me crying just gives them fuel.  I just couldn't take anymore though.  I was just too overwhelmed with them, the inside people, the mood swings, the computer freaking out on me, my lack of productivity, e2 not working, and just everything.  I silently found a tool and began slicing my skin.  I said to myselves no more than five small ones.  But they kept on worse.  Just 5 more.  Then 5 more.  And then 5 more.  I think there are 30 total.  All small.  Barely more than scratches. 
I only bothered with bandaids because my pants are gray and the blood would be noticeable. 

Current Music:  matchbox20 - Mercy, Mercy Me (live)
Current Mood:  disgusted with self

I am not sure what to do now.  I feel so lost.  So drained, yet racing.  How do I face the future.  How do I face next year, next month, next week, tommorrow, the rest of the night, the rest of this hour, the rest of this song, the rest of this very minute?  I don't know.  I must carry on dancing though.   


Mood:  Unsure
Fades away to the tune of John Mayer - Why Georgia (Live with "I'm Portable" intro)

WHY is it bad?????

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY  WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

"Cutting is bad"   "Don't cut yourself!" 

EXPLAIN!
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

You tell me it's bad.  You say it's unhealthy.  That's the closest to an expliantion I've ever gotten.  Not good enough.  WHY is it bad?  I just don't understand. 
Maybe if I really understood why it's so "Bad" it'd be easier not to do it.  IT HELPS!  WHY DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND THAT?!  It relieves the pressure that builds up inside.  It makes it easier to be in control.  It slows us down when nothing else does.  It makes us alive when we're just barely existing so WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is it BAD?! 

PLEASE MAKE ME UNDERSTAND!

Just how antisocial are you?

A Loser Psycho Umm...get away, ew! How antisocial are you?

And then she cried...

I spent most of the day in fitful bouts of sleep. When I was awake I was hot and in a terrible mood. I finally logged back on tonight, and found an email from Harmony. They had gotten on a computer at the hotel but I was too busy having a tantrum so I wasn't logged on. I had a message from Dawggy on e2 as well as an ICQ page. I wasn't going to call them at the hotel but all three messages said they would be up late and it was okay to call so I did. I didn't let them know how upset I really was, I think I hid it well. They both talked to me and when she realized I hadn't eaten she told me to go make something and she'd stay on the phone while I fixed it and ate it so that I didn't have to think about eating it. I told her I'd just eat tommorow but she said to eat now that she could stay up and talk to me that much longer. So I made bagel pizza bites. I ate them. The conversation was a nice one, as it always is with them. I got to talk to both of them. They said they'll be home tommorow evening around six pm or so I think that's six pm there time which is four pm my time. I'll be glad when they are. They seem to be having a fun trip and I've very glad. They're both obsessed with e2 now which makes me laugh. Every bit of information they come across is "That could be a write up!" I'm like that too. Speaking of writeups...I'm determined to get one done by the time they get back tommorow. I have 264 now and that bugs me. Have to have 5's and 0's. So one more must be completed ASAP. Harmony has the goal of reaching level 2 by her birthday. This means writing two a day but I know she can do anything she puts her mind too.
I'm working on several writeups and am not sure which one I'm going to really get focused on and finish tonight. Maybe I can do six instead of just one since I slept like all day I prolly won't need another nap til it gets super hot again. I've been having a really hard time focusing and remembering what I am doing. I have dozens of things I want to do but no focus and no patience. I took ibeprofin while on the phone with Harmony. While I was eating. Which was not long before writing this.

Current Music: Matchbox Twenty - 3am (piano acoustic version)
Current Mood: Lonely

HOT

Sugar Ray - 10 Seconds Down
Uno

Prince - 1999
Gmail

Goo Goo Dolls - 22 Seconds
E2 search

Matchbox Twenty - 3am (piano acoustic version)
Spondylosis

John Mayer - 3x5
Floor

Tori Amos - A Case Of You
Spent several songs in the other room. Put my empty glass of Minute Maid fruit punch into the refriderator and tried to help grandma keep the dog in the sink long enough to give him a cool bath. When I woke up this afternoon after several hours of fitful sleep I was drenched in sweat and all I had been wearing was a little nighty that is so old and worn out that it is practically transparent and a pair of panties. I had had both the ceiling fan and the window fan on high the entire time. As soon as I was awake I turned the computer on and went and got some cold fruit punch while my computer booted up. Then I took my pants off and started writing. I have 264 write-ups. By the time Harmony and Dawggy return tommorow afternoon I want to have 265.

The Beatles - A Hard Day's Night
Uno

Dixie Chicks - A TRIBUTE TO HEROES
It's 6:55pm. I have 1C! and 39 votes left today. I am working on several write-ups. I feel lonely, but have not turned on any instant messangers or irc. I simply get too annoyed with people. I am trying to stay focused on writing, with a little bit of straightening my room thrown in. I am trying to ignore the sweat and the oven like temperatures.

Nirvana - About a Girl
Uno

Sugar Ray - Abracadabra
E2 vote

The Union Underground - Across The Nation (RAW)
Gmail

Blink 182 - Adam`s Song
Uno

Simple Plan - Addicted
I'm going to post this to blog now and then continue to attempt to focus on writing and ignoring the heat.