Monday, July 26, 2004

Manic but up and down

Current song:  Prince and the Revolution - Darling Nikki
Current Mood:  Zoooooooooooming

This sucks.  I haven't accomplished anything at all.  E2 is down AGAIN/STILL!  It's pissing me off.  My mind is going a million miles a minute.  I can't seem to focus on anything at all.  At one point today I was trying to do so many things at once and help several people with proofreading and such that I became very overwhelmed and had to get away from the computer completely.  fortunately I was home alone and I was able to ask Harmony to call me on the phone.  I knew if I walked away from the computer I would be alone and I was urging to SI bad. It's hard for me to ask for stuff like that.  I know they don't mind but it's hard for me to ask for anything.  I think it's because how asking for anything has always resulted when it comes to my biological family.  Damnit.

Current Mood:  Tearful
Current Music:  Radiohead - Paranoid Android

I can't seem to focus on ANYTHING.  Not for long.  I haven't accomplished anything in far too long.  I spent all day trying to be productive and trying real hard not to SI.  Those never-ending phone calls with mom and grandma make it so hard.  The belittle me.  I think they enjoy making me feel like shit.  I gave in tonight.  I was already in tears because my computer was being very strange and switching windows and I thought someone was hacking it or something.  Dawggy said turn on vnc and he'll look.  So I did and he was working on it when the phone rang yet again.  MOM.  Which of course almost always ends up being mom AND grandma both having a go at me.  So I stifled my sobs because me crying just gives them fuel.  I just couldn't take anymore though.  I was just too overwhelmed with them, the inside people, the mood swings, the computer freaking out on me, my lack of productivity, e2 not working, and just everything.  I silently found a tool and began slicing my skin.  I said to myselves no more than five small ones.  But they kept on worse.  Just 5 more.  Then 5 more.  And then 5 more.  I think there are 30 total.  All small.  Barely more than scratches. 
I only bothered with bandaids because my pants are gray and the blood would be noticeable. 

Current Music:  matchbox20 - Mercy, Mercy Me (live)
Current Mood:  disgusted with self

I am not sure what to do now.  I feel so lost.  So drained, yet racing.  How do I face the future.  How do I face next year, next month, next week, tommorrow, the rest of the night, the rest of this hour, the rest of this song, the rest of this very minute?  I don't know.  I must carry on dancing though.   

Mood:  Unsure
Fades away to the tune of John Mayer - Why Georgia (Live with "I'm Portable" intro)



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