Lately...

I haven't posted much recently. I'm halfway through the semester and am doing fine in both of my classes. I'm getting an A or B in both classes as far as I know (and hope). Next week I have to meet with Vince from DSP&S about a priority registration appointment for next semester. I plan on taking three classes (English 100, Typing Fundamentals, and a psychology class). If I feel too overwhelmed I may have to drop one of the classes, but I'm hopeing to be able to complete all three. The psycholoogy class is online and the typing class is partially online.

Mom has decided to not buy any more soda because we drink it too fast. I can't wait until I move out. Section 8 called me yesterday to tell me they need a few more papers from me. They're sending me a letter stating everything else they need. The hard part is going to be finding some place close that accepts Section 8.

I wish my back would stop hurting. I took a naproxen in class and an ibeprofin a few hours later. Neither has helped. Oh well. I can live with it.

I don't know what to say...

Dawggy said "blog" cuz it's on my list. Well umm what to say? I went to the dentist and had a rootcanal. Before that mom and me went to subway. For dinner I had a pasta trio tv dinner.

Back not hurting as much

Last few nights have been really bad for me physically. Today howver my back isn't spazzing as much and is only a mild ache. My hands hurt some but thats because i had a code red mt dew at school.

Jerry's helping me with a list. He's keeping me going. He knows I'm trying not to SI or give in to the physical pain and give up. He takes care of me.

Wednesday and thursday

It's wednesday now. I should go to clubhouse this morning but I prolly won't . On thursday I have to have a root canal. If I feel up to it after that I may go to the fair with my friends.

I'm starting to get tired so as soon as I get my bed cleaned off I'll prolly go to bed but I'm doing the bed a little at a time so it may take a while.

Back hurts

My back is killing me tonight. I took some Lortab which is helping some but my back still hurts. I decided to take Lortab (the strongest pain medication in the house) when the tears from pain began to leak from my eyes. I don't know why my back is so bad tonight, I didn't do anything strenuous today. In group today I had a hard time concentrating because of the pain. I'll prolly sleep in tomorrow and skip clubhouse. I just don't feel like getting up so early.

Following a list

Blog is on my list and we're at that point once again in the list. I don't really know what to say. I'm depressed. I want to cut myself oh so deep, but I'm working hard not to. Dawggy is helping me. Poor Harmony is sick as a dog. I never understood that phrase. Dogs aren't usually sick. Maybe when dogs do get sick its usually really bad? I don't know. Oh well. If anyone that reads this prays please pray for them to have a safe trip to see Dawggy's daughter and well health for the trip.

Another "down" day

I've been really depressed lately. I only get out of bed to talk to Dawggy and Harmony. I've been skipping the gym most days. I do study. Dawggy has been helping me with a list so I get stuff done. I have to get my room clean by wednesday so mom lets the cable guy come in and install cable internet in my room cuz Verizon DSL sucks.

to the moon and back - savage garden

Shes taking her time making up
The reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smile
And the look in their eyes
Everyones got a theory about the
Bitter one
Theyre saying mamma never loved
Her much
And daddy never keeps in touch
Thats why she shies away from
Human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now shes waiting for the right
Kind of pilot to come
And shell say to him
Shes saying

Chorus

I would fly to the moon and back if
Youll be
If youll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we
Belong
So would you be my baby

She cant remember a time when she
Felt needed
If love was red then she was colour
Blind
All her friends theyve been tried for
Treason
And crimes that were never defined
Shes saying love is like a barren
Place
And reaching out for human faith is
Is like a journey I just dont have a
Map for
So babys gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that shes hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
Just saying

Chorus

Hold on hold on

Mamma never loved her much
And daddy never keeps in touch
Thats why she shies away from
Human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now shes waiting for the right
Kind of pilot to come
And shell say to him
Just saying

Chorus twice

I'm not having one of my better nights but i've managed to hold back the tears tonight. i really want to cut my leg but i'm trying not to. i should go to bed soon cuz i gotta get up at 8 and its a quarter to 4. dawggy is helping me follow a list. i dont know what i'd do without him.

Second week of class

Today was the second class for Children's services. We got some handouts on how to do the reading assignment and the other major assignments in the class. Before class, at 4pm, I met Cindy and we did the lab work together. Tomorrow or wednesday I need to go take the quiz. The lab for AV that we did today was hard. We had to splice audio tape. Cut it, and tape it back together. It was very frustrating. My hands shake and my hand eye coordination has never been very good. We also had to record our name, the date and about 15 seconds of the third song on a cd. That part wasn't hard but I hate the sound of my voice on tape. After we finished the lab work Cindy and I went to McDonald's for dinner. We both had fish sandwhiches and fries.

not having a great night

I feel depressed and urgy but I shouldn't. There's no reason for me to feel so shitty. I just want to cut and make myself feel better. I havent cut in a long time, weeks. School went ok this first week. I've been studying. My room is a mess which is frustrating becuase I just don't know what to do with it. I don't know where to put stuff. I want to put my stuff in my own place but that's probably never happen.

*cries without knowing why*

my throat hurts

I have a sore throat and a bit of a cough. I think it's just post nasal drip. I hope its just pnd and not something else that'll last longer. I started school yesterday. The Children's Services class don't look too frightening. The other class, Audio/Visual, starts tomorrow night (well it's after midnight so technically it starts tonight). That one feels scary. We'll find out soon enough how bad that one is.

just hold on

BOYZ II MEN LYRICS

"Just Hold On"

I know you've been going through some things
The pain you hold inside's written on your face
I know you're 'bout tired of the rain
Well, baby, so am I, but I know things can change
Well, you can die, you can sigh, you can cry, to your midnight blue
But that's not you, no, no
Cause I know you're stronger
It's apparent to me so do you

[Chorus:]
If you just hold on
I swear everything'll be okay
I know you're nervous
I know, but baby, give it some time
Things will go your way, my love
If you just hold on
I swear everything'll be okay
I know that you're nervous
Baby, give it some time
Things will go your way

I know it's been heavy on your mind
Baby, give him up, he's not worth your time
Where is it that says you need a guy
Well, you don't need his love to justify your life
So, he can go, let him go, make him go
You should want him to
So can you
I know that you're stronger
It's getting clearer to me
So do you

[Chorus]

So, don't let your defenses down
I know that somehow you'll work it out
I know
You should just believe in yourself, yourself

[Chorus]

I know
I know
[Fade out]

Narcolepsy- Ben Folds

I should warn you
I go to sleep
I know you don't
Know what i mean
Yet
I get upset or happy
I go to sleep
Nothing hurts when I go to sleep
But I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I know it seems that I don't care
But something in me does I Swear
I don't remember all last year
I left you awake to cry the tears
While i was dreaming
Oh I'm drowning
Save Me
Wake Me Up
I should warn you
I go to sleep
You won't know when
I go to sleep
Cause I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I just sleep

Why Georgia

Artist: John mayer
Song: Why Georgia
Album: Room For Squares


I am driving up 85 in the
Kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom
4 more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul

Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still "everything happens for a reason"
Is no reason not to ask myself

If I am living it right
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

Desperately wanting to be productive

I've been trying and will continue to try to hide how deep the depression I'm stuck in is. I have to be strong, especially with Harmony. She's going through the worst days of the year for her, the days after her son goes back to West Virginia. She's in a very very deep depression. I have to do what I can to support her. It doesn't matter how I feel. I love her like a sister.

I spend most of the day in bed. I'm not always asleep I just do not have any motivation to get up and do something. Everything is a chore, even getting on the computer, which is what keeps me going most days, feels like a chore sometimes lately. I've been missing clubhouse and SIA (though I did go this week thanks to Marcie), and I haven't been going to the gym. I feel my life is a waste. I feel like giving up completly. I'm hopeing that starting school in a couple weeks will give me a purpose and help pull me out of this hole that seems deeper and deeper with each passing day.

It doesn't help matters that I have $10 in the bank. I can't afford to live on my own. I can't even afford to live with grandma. All I pay here is $300 including utilities and most of my food. How in hell will I be able to survive on my own? I desperately want to get out of here before grandma kicks me out. But everything is so expensive. I'm afraid I'll never be able to live on my own because of money. I'm sure I could live on my own just fine besides the being in debt part. I can take care of myself. I just don't have the money to do it.

two worlds

Two Worlds Lyrics
Put your faith in what you most believe in
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lies we see

A paradise untouched by man
Within this worlds blessed with love
A simple life, they live in peace

Softly tread the sand below your feed now
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see

Beneath the shelter of the trees
Only love can enter here
A simple life, they live in peace

Raise your head up
Lift high the load
Take strength from those that need you
Build high the walls
Build strong the beams
A new life is waiting
But danger's no stranger here

No words describe a mother's tears
No words can heal a broken heart
A dream is gone, but where there's hope

Somewhere something is calling for you
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
Tu guide these lives we see

Where You Want To Be

This video made me want to cry. I miss the Savage Garden days and the friend's that I met through the online community of SG fans.

missed clubhouse

I couldn't get myself out of bed this morning so I had to go down to the clinic in the afternoon to pick up my medicine. I should have went to the gym while I was out but I didn't. I wish I could just go to bed and never get up again. I'm tired of struggling through each long day.

It's too hot

The last several days it's been over 100 degrees Fahrenheit, it was only about 102 today (only?! haha) but yesterday it was over 110. I'm so hot that I barely move. I'm hot, depressed, tired, thirsty, and lazy. My room is about as messy as it has ever been and mom and grandma are bitching about it but I just can't get myself to do anything. Even getting on the computer is a chore lately. I hate myself. I cut today. Nothing bad, just a few scratches. I've wanted to do more all evening but am too hot to put on dark clothing in case I get blood on my clothing.

I've got my headphones and am listening to Savage Garden rather loudly and singing along with it. Fortunatly when I do that I can't hear my self sing if I turn the headphones up high enough. This is a good thing because I'm a terrible singer.

I havne't been able to quench my thirst today...sodas, kool-aid, oj, flavored water...still thirsty. We don't have any cold bottled water and I hate warm water and I hate tap water.

Both of our refriderators are on the brink so nothing is kept very cold. It sucks and we don't have enough money between the three of us (mom, grandma, myself) to go buy one new fridge, let alone two. I've got like $13 in the bank. I don't know what I spent all my money on.

.gifs

I cut again today

Mom went off yelling at everyone again today and I cut myself because I couldn't please her. It's my fault, not hers. Everything is my fault. I'm such a loser.

Today I registered for school. Let's hope I don't drop or flunk out again. I went to the financial aid office and turned in a paper they sent me in the mail. I was in line there for like half an hour.

I went to the gym for half an hour

That's pretty much all I did today. The hot sun gave me a headache.

Spiders

I hate spiders. I found a big one crawling between my toes and a small white one on my arm within a few minutes of each other. I know they were real. I've been seeing spiders all over my room and feel them crawling on me.

My mom had a melt down today because we don't help her enough. I went in my room and cut myself. I still want to cut more. I want to cut the spiders away. I want to cut the feelings away. I want to make the world go away, even if it's just for a short while.

I'm supposed to register online tommorrow (well today now that its almost 12:30am) for Citrus. I'm also supposed to see my therapist at nine am. I don't know if I should skip therapy and register or just register later. I'll let it depend on what time I get woke up in the morning. Sandye and a busser both said I should skip therapy and register at nine so I'm sure to get my classes. I don't know what to do.

Haven't had the words

I have not journaled, blogged or done much writing of any kind lately. I just haven't been able to get words down. I've been pretty down lately but I haven't cut since either tuesday or wednesday. I've found myself hopeing for death. I want someone to smash into my car while I'm driving alone. I want to fall in a pool and drown. I want to get run over. I want to slip and fall in the shower and never wake up. I just don't want to live anymore. The thing is, suicide isn't an option for me because it would devestate the people that love me. I know there are people who love me. I sometimes wish there wasn't so I could die without guilt. But, due to having friends and family that have told me they care about me, I can't take my own life. I just have to wait for God to decide it's my time to go. All I can do is hope that time comes soon.

I worked at the library bookstore today and didn't go to the gym again. I didn't go at all last week. I had an excuse everyday, doctors visits and such. I worked at the library this monday and the gym was closed tuesday for 4th of July. I went yesterday for only half an hour and today I worked at the library and didn't make it to the gym.

urgy and don't know why

Today I slept until about 4:30pm. Thats when Harmony called. I woke up very sore. Yesterday I was up at 6am. Marcie and I went to the Self Injury Anonymous meeting in Passadena. After that I dropped her off at her church. Then I went home for a while and took a 2 hour or so nap. Then I got up and got ready to leave again. I had to drop Kylee off at her girlfriend's house and then pick up Marcie and go to John's nephew's (Eddie) 6th birthday party. They had a giant water slide and most of the adults, including myself and my friends, all went on several times. We had fun. After that I ran home (taking marcie with me) and changed clothes then headed off to karaoke. We were at karaoke until about 1am then I took marcie home and went home, did a few small things, and went to bed a little after 2am (I think).

Right now I'm urgy to cut but I'm not sure why. I just feel this need to bleed. I'm not real anxious. I'm not really angry. I am a bit depressed and feel purposeless. My internet isn't working very well so I can't really keep up with the chatroom or read stuff on e2 cuz it takes forever to load. I want to bleed to feel human.